OS : Raina beeti jaaye

Hey all I'm back with another snapshot, this time from a Naina perspective.

Today's episode was excellent...I use my work travel time to ponder and write about these two !! What a special couple with such a precious relationship.

With this I'm trying to introspect Naina's reaction to the conversation and Karan in general. As always, comments are supremely welcome and criticism much appreciated. This is writtten on the go, so not proofread.

Title is inspired by another favourite track if mine,,,signifying Nainas musings as the night goes by.

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She lay looking at the rotating fan spin endlessly. What a simple life it has she thought...rotate,stop,rotate some more. She sometimes wished reality was that uni dimensional and simple. She turned her head ever so slightly to face the 'chhaata' ..one of her two bed mates. The chhata and the soul just inches behind it.

Karan Chauhan.

Six months ago, if someone told her she'd be married she'd have laughed...if someone had told her she'd be married to Karan Chauhan she'd have had them tested for delirium. She probably held the record for moving from bridesmaid to bride in the shortest time ever. From an operational point she often joked how lean and optimal the entire thing was. In true consultant speak this would be combining synergies. Her father in law maybe was trying to streamline the whole thing Naina often told herself. Humour was her constant friend of what had been a largely lonely existence in the house. Of course she had di and she loved her times with her sister but otherwise it was quite easy for her to spill into a spiral of self pity if she didn't keep herself and her brain occupied.

Naina had never wanted a prince for herself. Being the daughter of her mum and her fiercely independent sister, she was desired a relationship that was based on trust and mutual respect. Of course she wanted love, but she was sure that it would be a piece of cake to fall in love with someone would respect her, her ideas and her family. Love for her was a slow burn, like sunlight that worked its way from dawn to fill every crevice nook and cranny with its power...it was not the trip fall and catch variety that was staple of what was considered the whirlwind romance. Little did she know that a whirlwind wedding awaited her.

Karan was nothing short of a tornado that entered her life. They had gotten off to the wrong start with small tiffs during the shaadi prep. She didn understand his prickly

Personality and how someone could be so aloof and indifferent for their brother's wedding. On the sly she did notice when he deviated from his standard behaviour and revealed a more thoughtful side, but on the whole their skirmishes were the mark of their interactions. Perhaps that's how far the bride's sister and the groom's brother got to. She attributed it to the baggage that came with the saali dewar dynamic etched in societies.

When the wedding drama had ensued, she had been numb, but the sight of her mum's condition and the impending future for di made her snap out of it and agree to the relationship. She knew her uber liberal di hated the arrangement and was livid that she and ma had not thought of a way around. She knew her di would prefer being separated than agree, but she also knew that she..Naina would never subject her sister to that. The way she saw it, wasn't a regressive move. It was a practical decision taken for the best. The one error she recognised she made was taking the decision alone. She never considered that her practicality wouldn't be accepted by Karan, she never considered that he might have wanted her to say no, or that her saying yes would put him under immense pressure to acquiesce to something he wasn't really ready for.

She regrettted not having that conversation, and it hit her hard when he opened that gatbandhan basically making it clear that he wanted no part of the farce. While she promised her mum that she'd be true to the relationship, she suddenly realised that she was going to be a forced entry into someone's life. She didn't know if Karan loved someone else, she didn't know anything. She had potentially hurled them both into an unescapable black hole.

If there was one thing that was a stellar quality in Naina, it was her resilience. Her analytical brain automatically charted all the possibilities of how she could make the relationship a more pleasant one. The first few days and months were trying. Karan was angry and he thwarted all her attempts at forging a friendship. He slept in a derilict store room that was a definite fire hazard. She had tried everything from asking him politely, pleading with him or ordering him about. She even considered reporting the whole Chauhan house to health and safety but resisted at the thought of all the paperwork. Finally she gave him a taste of his own medicine. She had adopted the dungeon as her camp. She hadn't envisioned them sharing a bed, but assumed they'd have some alternate share the bed arrangement. Thankfully shortly after moving into the death trap, Karan had relented. That was the first glimpse she got into his innate goodness. As they began sharing the room and surprisingly the bed with the wall of pillows and his ever present sidekick chhata, Naina began to see the Karan that was below the surface. She learnt to read his face, his mood and realised he was not a grump, just someone who was yearning so much for his family. She realised that Karan had these self imposed restrictions and barriers that prevented him from being part of the Chauhan household. Even for her mild and good temperament, her father in law was a callous personality. But the rest of the family adored Karan. There was just something that held both sides back.

When she learnt of his condition all the pennies started dropping into place. That was a real breakthrough for their relationship. Karans anger and aloofness was not that he loved someone else, it was because he believed he wasn't worthy of the love of anyone. It was like she had managed to find a crack in the dam. Even if ranting at her, Karan unknowingly began sharing his true feelings and insecurities. Naina wasn't one to bolt at adversity. She genuinely didn't understand why this condition was such a big deal. After stealthily acquiring his reports, She had spoken to Vishal bhaiyya and a few other doctor friends and all had told her it was definitely curable. She faced massive backlash when she tried to broach the subject of trying alternate treatment. She was quick to realise she hadn't instilled enough confidence in others to make her voice heard. She'd have to cross that hurdle thoughtfully.

In the meantime she turned to the one thing that was possibly in her control. Letting Karan know that there was more to him that being defined by the illness. That underneath that skin was a thoughtful, sensitive, brave person who deserved better than to be cooped up. That his identity was not this but what he chose to make it.

Counting the rings on the still rotating fan, Naina relived the conversation from this afternoon. Worthy, who was worthy of whom. One look at her hostel singing videos and he'd bolt to China, did that make her less worthy? The ache from his speech reverberated in her mind. She saw that he dreamt of a normal life, of having a partner of feeling love, of physical intimacy. He yearned for it all but had decided he was not deserving of any. She had tried to ease some of that fear, but it hadn't worked. Years of isolation bravely fought her calming words. But she'd persevere, she was Naina Chauhan after all. As she glanced sideways, she saw that Watson had shifted and she could peer at the sleeping form of her husband who she needed to make her friend. Slightly pushing away the obstruction, she lulled herself back to sleep..a smile on her lips and a thousand plans in her mind.