"Since when did we start having Mumbai style traffic jams here in Allahabad?" I asked myself. I banged on the steering wheel and unintentionally sounded the horn. "Since I promised to take Suhani out..." I answered my own question, a bit late.
So that was the big issue. I'd promised to go out with Suhani tonight but for that to happen, I needed to get home first. I had to get some work done on my car and it took a bit longer than I had anticipated. I promised Suhani I would be home at 8. It was already well past that. She hadn't called yet, so I just assumed she wasn't too put off by my tardiness, just yet. That was like an hour ago, and she still hadn't called and I finally picked the phone up like the idiot I am, and saw that it was off. I tried to turn it on and it wouldn't.
"That's just perfect!" I shouted. "My phone decided to die at the most inopportune of times...while I'm stuck with in the biggest traffic I'll ever be stuck in." I rolled my eyes in frustration. What was the use of having the most expensive phone ever when it would die on you like this? "Piece of shit, I'm going to sue Apple!" I was furious. The traffic continued to move only inches and it turned out there was a huge pile up way ahead and I was destined to spend the rest of my life here, stuck in traffic.
Suhani would be worried. I knew by now she must have been calling me frantically. In fact I was sure everyone must have been calling. I clenched my fists in anger. This blockade wasn't going to end. It was now 10PM and I was on the verge of just running home. I felt anxious just thinking about how worried she would be. It felt so wrong that I'd promised her an evening together and now I was a no-show. All she wanted was to spend some time. I wanted to take her out to dinner and then for a long drive or something in my way-too-expensive and useless in midst of endless traffic car, but now I was of no use myself.
"She'll be so disappointed. It's getting so late...even if I get home now, we won't be able to do much. She basically got stood up." I talked to myself. My frustration reached its peak. I tried again and again to get my phone to turn on somehow but it was totally dead. Why didn't I charge it before leaving? I was so focused on getting the car issues resolved and coming home.
At long last, around midnight, after driving as fast as I could without violating the speed limit, I made it home. I parked the stupid useless thing which was no use tonight while I stood my wife up and probably made my family sick with worry, and hurried up the steps. I had the keys so I opened the door and entered. The lights were mostly off. I called out Suhani's name.
"Suhani, I know you're there..." I said. "I'm sorry!" I shouted. Someone poked me on my shoulder. It was Sharad.
"God, bro...where have you been?" He looked worried out of his mind. "Anuj and Saurabh Bhaiyya just left to look for you."
"Are you serious? Oh God...Sharad, I was stuck in this unreal traffic jam and my phone died."
"Why do you do that? Why are you so careless? Everyone's been worried as hell." I stopped listening to him and looked up when the lights went on, everyone was there except Suhani.
"Where's Suhani?" I asked aloud. I heard Menka Bhabhi giggling. "Sorry guys, I know you all must have been scared to death. My phone died and well...you don't want to know the rest. I'm really sorry."
Mom smiled. "I'm just so glad you're home...and..." She didn't complete her sentence because hers and everyone else's attention turned towards one corner of the room. I looked there as well and saw the person I'd been waiting to see all night. She looked tired, and like she'd been holding her breath all night. Mostly, she just looked like she was on the verge of tears. Seeing her like this tore me apart and I took a step towards her and stopped.
"I'm sorry." I said. I didn't know what else to say at the moment because I was being watched. I heard some more giggling and Sharad also mumbled something. I turned to look at him for a second and saw that Dadi had woken up too. I looked back at Suhani and gave her another pathetic, guilt stricken look, and hope it would be enough. Within a second she pretty much flew from one corner of the room straight into my arms and rammed into my chest. It happened so quickly that I staggered on my feet for a second to restore my balance. Then I hugged her back as tight as I could and said how sorry I was a bunch of times. She didn't make a sound but we were pressed tightly together, and having my family there made me feel like I had just been cheated out of a very private moment with my wife.
She let go at last and we slowly parted. I saw her tear stained face and felt worse. Most of my family was slowly taking leave. Sharad smiled and I nodded at him. Dadi told me to eat and stop worrying so much about how Suhani was feeling but that wasn't going to work on me tonight. She was all I could think about right now. I took her hand and we walked back to our room. Once we were inside, we stood face to face.
"Suhani, that wasn't meant to happen. I'm so sorry. I ruined your evening. I'll make it up to you, I promise..."
She shook her head. "I don't care about the fact that we didn't go out. I must have called you about a hundred times..." She said. Her voice broke off. "I was so..."
"Scared?" I asked.
She nodded.
"I know...it's this useless phone." I threw it on the floor in anger. It came apart. "Ok, let's go out tomorrow and you can pick out a new phone for me. My choice sucks, obviously. Pick one with better battery life..." I tried lightening up the mood. I was dying to see the smile back on her face.
She still looked upset.
"Ok, well...your evening stunk and mine wasn't any better. I was stuck in this really unreal traffic jam...like...how does traffic just NOT move? Oh and there was this dude behind me in this little red car and every time the traffic moved like an inch, he would blow his horn and tell me to move. I actually got out of the car and showed him that it was just ONE INCH. Did he really expect me to move it one inch further? So in three hours straight, the traffic moved a total of 3 inches...and this dude acted like it moved miles...and I was like in his way...or something." I mumbled whatever nonsense came to me and saw a slight smile on the corner of her lips.
"There you go..." I said. "There's my wife's pretty smile..."
"You don't know how much you scared me tonight." She said.
"Don't say that...I do have feelings, you know?" I said.
"You weren't at home, feeling helpless, and like your husband went missing..." She shot back.
"Whoa...ok, look...I was stuck I traffic for hours...like around four hours...and please don't think for a second that I didn't use that time wisely. I tried to picture myself in your shoes many times...and I even came to a conclusion." I said.
"What conclusion?"
"You're never going to drive. I'm never letting you drive." I said.
"What? Why?"
"Because I probably would've gone half mad if I was in your shoes tonight...and you were out there somewhere and I had no idea if you were safe or not, and if I couldn't reach you I would've ...lost it." I said. I realized that my voice was heavy with emotion. She looked at me in awe.
"Really?"
"Yes. Suhani, you're brave...I'm not. I have fears...and also, you're extremely patient. I'm not. I don't think I would ever be able to take what happened tonight..." Well, I guess I was in an exceptionally honest mood tonight. Everything was just pouring out and I couldn't filter it.
She had this look on her face like she couldn't believe that I was being so open. I grabbed her by her shoulders and brought her closer. I bent down so that we were face to face.
"Look at my face...you see my nose? It's still long and ugly...just the way you like it. Not a scratch anywhere...c'mon, inspect it closely...see for yourself." I said. She giggled at last. Mission accomplished, I thought. She pulled on my nose. She looked so innocent and adorable. I couldn't help myself anymore. Our hug had felt incomplete in front of everyone. I needed one I could appreciate. I grabbed her wrists and pulled her into my arms and held her tightly against my chest.
"I'll never do this to you again...I promise." I whispered into her ear. I felt her warmth. I loved the way she just melted into my arms and fit there so perfectly and properly, as if she was made only for me. She let go and looked into my eyes. Tears welled up in hers and one escaped and fell down her cheek. I wiped it away. She touched my face and bit her lip. For the first time ever, I held her face in between my hands and kissed her forehead. Then our eyes locked. My heart was about to start beating out of my chest.
I held her shoulders and my hands slowly dropped to her back and down to her waist. I held her tightly and she inched closer to me. Desire crept up slowly from the tips of my toes all the way to the tips of my fingers. I watched as a number of expressions appeared on her face from surprise, to love, to hope, and finally to fear. I knew what she was afraid of. She was scared I would pull away. With the way I was feeling right now, it would have been if I'd withdrawn immediately. She sensed the sudden reluctance in me when my grip on her waist loosened. She gripped my collar and stopped me.
"Yuvraj..." She said in a pleading tone. I moved back and she let me go. I felt rotten and frustrated. She was so innocent. I was so confused and trapped. I was petrified of giving her the happiness she craved and in return experiencing a kind of happiness myself, which perhaps may be lost within minutes, if the truth came out. These were my fears, my qualms, and they kept me away from her.
She pulled herself together and smiled. "I'm just really glad you're home. Just don't let this happen again." She said. She was far too patient. She turned around and I held her arm and stopped her. I turned her around and pulled her closer. I cupped her face and noticed that she was trembling. My own hands were shaking too. Both of us appeared breathless. She closed her eyes. Her lips were slightly parted and I touched them. At last, I kissed her. It was soft and not nearly as long as I needed it to be. I stopped for a second and kissed her again and she kissed me back. Her hands were on my chest. Mine were on my waist. We kissed again with more intensity, and I pressed her against my body. The taste of her quenched my thirst but only aroused even more hunger in me. In the back of my mind I knew where this was going if I didn't stop soon but I still continued to kiss her over and over. The way she sighed, the way she pulled on my jacket, the way she ran her fingers through the hair on the back of my head just gave me a glimpse of the pleasure I could have, if only I could have her.
I realized my nails were digging into her waist and I was feeling an overwhelming desire to rip her clothes off, so it was time to stop. I stopped immediately. I was impressed by my self-control. She was blushing. She straightened up and tugged her hair behind her ears. I was staring at her and she saw.
"I think we should sleep now." I said. I smiled. She nodded and smiled back. We went to bed and I fell asleep while thinking about this extraordinary day, which ended with a moment I couldn't stop replaying in my head for days.
Anupamaa
