funny shayri & jokes - Page 87

At a Bar, a NUN preaches: Drinking is Bad.

Man: Have you tried it?

Nun: No, Never.

Man: Ok, you try once, if you don't like it, I'll giv up Drinking.

Nun: Ok, but bring it in Teacup, I don't want people seeing me drinking.

Man goes to the bartender and says: Giv me two Shots of Rum in Tea-Cups.

Bartender- IS THAT NUN HERE Again? 🤓 🤣🤣🤣🤣

When her late husband's will was read, a widow learnt he had left the bulk of his fortune to another woman.

Enraged, she rushed to change the inscription on her spouse's tombstone.

"Sorry, lady," said the stone cutter. "I inscribed 'Rest in Peace' on your orders. I can't change it now."

"Very well," she said grimly. "Just add, 'Until We Meet Again'." 🤣

A wife goes to the local market to buy some organic vegetables for her husbands. She came back rather upset.

When her husband asked her what was wrong, she said, "I don't think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for organic vegetables and I couldn't find any. So I asked him, 'Where the organic Vegetables were?' He didn't know what I was talking about so I said, 'These vegetables are for my husbands. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?

And he said, 'No, ma'am. You'll have to do that yourself'." 🤣

A taxi driver driving a Mercedes-Benz picked up a rather simple looking fellow at the airport one day.

When the gentleman got in and they started on their way he enquired what the three pinned emblem on the front is for.

The driver replied, "Why it's for lining it up at people so you can run them down".

"Ah I see", said the man.

With this the taxi driver starts heading straight for an elderly woman but at the last second swerves away and hears a loud bang, he looks curiously over at the passenger who is hanging out of the car with the door wide open: "I thought you were going to miss there for a minute!" 🤣

It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

"Ames"
"Here!"
"Jenson"
"Here!"
"Jones"
"Here!"
"Magersky"
"Here!"
"Seeback"
No answer.
"Seeback!"
No answer was heard again.
"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side. 🤣🤣🤣

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on top of his desk and wrote on the board:

"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

A week later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?" 🤣

"Mommy, my turtle is dead," the little boy, Johnny, sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.

The mother kissed him on the head, then said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet."

"Ice cream?" the little boy said, wiping his tears and smiling, "Oh! Boy!"

His mother said, "I don't want you..."

Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move, "Johnny, you're turtle is not dead after all."

"Oh," the disappointed boy said. "Can I kill it?" 😳 🤣

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team.

"Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman.

He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman hesitated for a few seconds, "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it." 🤔 🤣

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.

They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two are, I figured I'd better run too!" 🤣