Posted:
Why do so many people spend their time at stage doors and sending out requests for signatures? Those who have collected thousands of autographs explain the thrill
Bigg Boss 19 - Daily Discusdion Topic - 2nd Nov 2025 - WKV
Bigg Boss 19: Daily Discussion Thread- 3rd Nov 2025.
🏏ICC Women's World Cup 2025: South Africa W vs India W, FINAL🏏
Yeh Rishta Kya Kehlata Hai - 03 Nov 2025 EDT
GOLGUPPA PARTY 3.11
🏏India tour of Australia, 2025: AUS vs IND,3rd T20I, Oval🏏
Hahahahahahaha: New nicknames for Gen 4 lead couple.
Favourite couple : Nov.1, 2025.Best epi. HD Clip. 😆😆
Did SRK copy Brad Pitt’s F1 look and style for King?
Aishwarya Rai at fault for ruining Salman's life?
Anupamaa 02 Nov 2025 Written Update & Daily Discussions Thread
Mihir Is Such An
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2 - Banner Contest
Why is Bigg Boss Hellbent on Saving Kunika?
Song out now 'Usey Kehna' - Tere Ishq Mein.
📚Book Talk Forum, October 2025 Reading Challenge Results📚
Kartik Aryan's TMMTMTTR will clash with Agastya's Ikkis
Why do so many people spend their time at stage doors and sending out requests for signatures? Those who have collected thousands of autographs explain the thrill
The Best Savings Tips For Every Money Personality
ஜப்பானியர்கள் ஏன் இந்தியர்களை தங்கள் வீடுகளுக்கு வழக்கமாக அழைப்பதில்லை..?
ஒரு வருடத்திற்கும் மேலாக ஜப்பானில் வசித்து வந்த ஒரு இந்தியர் விசித்திரமான ஒன்றைக் கவனித்தார்: அவரது ஜப்பானிய நண்பர்கள் கண்ணியமாகவும் உதவிகரமாகவும் இருந்தனர், ஆனால் அவர்களில் யாரும் அவரை தங்கள் வீட்டிற்கு அழைத்ததில்லை, ஒரு கோப்பை தேநீர் கூட குடிக்க வீட்டிற்கு அழைக்கவில்லை.
குழப்பமாகவும் வேதனையுடனும், இறுதியாக ஒரு ஜப்பானிய நண்பரிடம் இது ஏன் என்று கேட்டார். நீண்ட மௌனத்திற்குப் பிறகு, நண்பர் பதிலளித்தார், "எங்களுக்கு இந்திய வரலாறு கற்பிக்கப்படுகிறது... உத்வேகத்திற்காக அல்ல, ஆனால் ஒரு எச்சரிக்கையாக."
இந்தியர் ஆச்சரியப்பட்டு, "ஒரு எச்சரிக்கையா? இந்திய வரலாறு ஒரு எச்சரிக்கையாக கற்பிக்கப்படுகிறது? தயவுசெய்து ஏன் என்று விளக்குங்கள்" என்று கேட்டார்.
ஜப்பானிய நண்பர், "எத்தனை ஆங்கிலேயர்கள் இந்தியாவை ஆண்டார்கள்?" என்று கேட்டார்.
இந்தியர், "ஒருவேளை... சுமார் 10,000 பேர்?" என்று பதிலளித்தார்.
ஜப்பானியர் தீவிரமாக தலையசைத்து, "அந்த நேரத்தில், 300 மில்லியனுக்கும் அதிகமான இந்தியர்கள் இல்லையா?" என்று கேட்டார்.
"அப்படியானால் உங்கள் மக்கள் மீது யார் அட்டூழியங்களைச் செய்தார்கள்? அவர்களை சவுக்கடி, சித்திரவதை மற்றும் சுட உத்தரவுகளைப் பின்பற்றியது யார்?"
"ஜாலியன் வாலாபாக்கில் துப்பாக்கிச் சூடு நடத்த ஜெனரல் டயர் உத்தரவிட்டபோது, யார் துப்பாக்கிச் சூடு நடத்தினார்கள்? ஆங்கில வீரர்களா? இல்லை, அது இந்தியர்கள்தான்" என்று அவர் அழுத்தமாகக் கேட்டார்.
"ஜெனரல் டையரை நோக்கி யாரும் துப்பாக்கியை நீட்டவில்லை, ஒரு நபர் கூட இல்லை?" அவர் தொடர்ந்தார், "நீங்கள் பேசும் அடிமைத்தனம் - இது உங்கள் உண்மையான அடிமைத்தனம். உடலின் அல்ல, ஆன்மாவின்."*
இந்தியர் அசையாமல், அமைதியாக, வெட்கத்துடன் நின்றார்.
ஜப்பானிய நண்பர் தொடர்ந்தார், "மத்திய ஆசியாவிலிருந்து எத்தனை முகலாயர்கள் வந்தார்கள்? ஒருவேளை சில ஆயிரம் பேர் இருக்கலாம்? ஆனாலும் அவர்கள் உங்களை பல நூற்றாண்டுகளாக ஆட்சி செய்தனர்."
"முகலாயர்கள் தங்கள் எண்ணிக்கையின் மூலம் இந்தியாவை ஆளவில்லை; அவர்களுக்கு வணங்கியது, அவர்களுக்குக் கீழ்ப்படிந்தது, தங்கள் சொந்தத்தை காட்டிக் கொடுத்தது, முகலாயர்களுக்கு விசுவாசத்தைக் காட்டியது உங்கள் சொந்த மக்களே. உயிர்வாழ்வதற்காகவோ அல்லது வெள்ளி நாணயங்களுக்காகவோ."
"உங்கள் சொந்த மக்களே மதங்களை மாற்றினர். அவர்கள் தங்கள் சகோதரிகளையும், மகள்களையும் முகலாயர்களுக்கு திருமணத்தில் கொடுத்தனர்."
"உங்கள் சொந்த மக்களே உங்கள் ஹீரோக்களை ஆங்கிலேயர்களுக்குக் காட்டிக் கொடுத்தார்கள். சந்திரசேகர் ஆசாத்தை யார் காட்டிக் கொடுத்தார்கள்? ஆல்ஃபிரட் பார்க்கில் அவர் மறைந்திருக்கும் இடம் பற்றி ஆங்கிலேயர்களுக்கு யார் தகவல் கொடுத்தார்கள்?"
"பக்தசிங்கை தேசபக்தர்கள் என்று அழைத்துக் கொண்டவர்களின் (காந்தி-நேரு) அனுமதியின்றி பகத்சிங் எளிதாக தூக்கிலிடப்பட்டார்."
"இந்தியர்களாகிய உங்களுக்கு வெளிநாட்டு எதிரிகள் தேவையில்லை. உங்கள் சொந்த மக்கள் அதிகாரம், பதவி மற்றும் தனிப்பட்ட ஆதாயத்திற்காக உங்களைத் தொடர்ந்து காட்டிக் கொடுக்கிறார்கள். அதனால்தான் நாங்கள் இந்தியர்களிடமிருந்து விலகி இருக்கிறோம்."
"ஆங்கிலேயர்கள் ஹாங்காங் மற்றும் சிங்கப்பூருக்கு வந்தபோது, ஒரு உள்ளூர்வாசி கூட அவர்களின் படையில் சேரவில்லை. ஆனால் இந்தியாவில், நீங்கள் எதிரியின் படையில் மட்டும் சேரவில்லை - நீங்கள் அவர்களுக்கு சேவை செய்தீர்கள். நீங்கள் அவர்களை வணங்கினீர்கள். அவர்களை மகிழ்விக்க உங்கள் சொந்த மக்களைக் கொன்றீர்கள்."
"இன்றும் கூட, நீங்கள் மாறவில்லை. வரலாற்றிலிருந்து நீங்கள் எந்தப் பாடத்தையும் கற்றுக்கொள்ளவில்லை. கொஞ்சம் இலவச மின்சாரம், ஒரு பாட்டில் மது அல்லது ஒரு போர்வைக்காக கூட - நீங்கள் உங்கள் வாக்கு, உங்கள் மனசாட்சி மற்றும் உங்கள் குரலை சிந்திக்காமல் விற்கிறீர்கள்."
"நீங்கள் கோஷங்களை உச்சரிக்கிறீர்கள், எதிர்ப்பு தெரிவிக்கிறீர்கள், ஆனால் நாட்டிற்கு உங்கள் தியாகம் தேவைப்படும்போது, நீங்கள் எங்கே இருக்கிறீர்கள்? உங்கள் முதல் விசுவாசம் இன்னும் உங்கள் வீடு, குடும்பம், மனைவி, குழந்தைகள் மற்றும் செல்வத்திற்குத்தான். மீதமுள்ளவை - நாடு மற்றும் மதம் - நரகத்திற்குச் செல்லலாம்."
இதைச் சொல்லிவிட்டு, ஜப்பானியர்கள் வெளியேறினர், அந்த இந்தியர் அங்கேயே தலை குனிந்து, வெட்கத்தில் உறைந்து நின்றார். நாமும் ஒரு இந்தியரே
-தாய் பிரபு
நன்றி ...பாவல்
படித்து பகிர்ந்து
#தினமும்ஒருவரிதத்துவம்
@தினமும்ஒருவரிதத்துவம்
Work out while you work? Ten strength-building office exercises you can do in everyday clothes
Searching for the “Real” Butter Chicken
Across the country, Indian restaurants are grappling with whether the popular tomato-cream stew is something to reject or redeem. How did such a “basic” dish get so complicated?
By Jaya Saxena
In her review last year of the chic new Indian restaurant Bungalow in Manhattan, interim New York Times food critic Priya Krishna hopefully asked, “Are we done with the butter-chicken era of Indian restaurants?” It is the opening sentence, the seam from which the rest of the review drapes. Bungalow earned three stars for what it is (beautiful, playful, technically dazzling) but also for what it isn’t, which is a restaurant that serves butter chicken. The lack of butter chicken means it is “by South Asians, for South Asians.” Butter chicken is the symbol, the synecdoche, of everything wrong with Indian food.
It has seemed lately that to be a successful Indian restaurant is to reject the dish, a spiced stew of chicken and tomato and cream that until very recently had been ubiquitous on most Indian restaurant menus. When restaurants like Passerine and Dhamaka opened in New York, or Shor Bazaar in L.A., they emphasized more specific, regional cuisines that were less common in the U.S., and reviewers were quick to note that meant no butter chicken. In an Instagram video, Navi New Indian in Germany invites diners to taste “real India,” which to them means “No butter chicken. No glowing sauces.” In a partnership with an A.I. company, Canadian comedian Pushpek Sidhu half jokes, half rants about white people refusing to eat anything but butter chicken, saying “almost nobody in India eats it,” and begging people to learn more about Indian food (the result being that A.I. can help make an app that will help them find other food. Sure.).
But in the midst of the rejection, there are also those who think butter chicken can be redeemed. Chicago’s Roop, which serves an eight-course Indian tasting menu and more experimental dishes like sweet potato chaat with spinach tempura, has butter chicken on the menu, and offers an extra side of its sauce. Íla, also in Chicago, has butter chicken empanadas. Adda, run by the same team behind Dhamaka, has a “Butter Chicken experience,” a customizable, riotously fun tableside presentation where guests can choose from three infused butters to serve as the base of the sauce. And INDN, a new Manhattan cocktail bar, offers a butter chicken cocktail, made with mezcal and spiced with fenugreek and garam masala.
These offerings, however, are pitched as the “real” butter chicken. Or a more experimental version. Or just not what you get in a takeout curry shop, the thing Indian restaurateurs seem to still have to define themselves against. Butter chicken’s widespread popularity has made it, as Indian YouTuber Shuchir Suri puts it, a “culinary diplomat”—a role many South Asians didn’t ask it to have. This has bred resentment and reaction; no matter what these chefs do, the specter of butter chicken is always hovering. What would it take to banish it? Or should that even be the goal?
It should be noted that Sidhu is wrong about who eats butter chicken. The dish is incredibly popular in India, specifically around Delhi, where it was invented (though its exact origins are currently being disputed in the Delhi High Court). This is because butter chicken is really good. It’s rich and comforting and its dominant flavors can be found in just about every cuisine around the world. But it’s true that, in many Western preparations, any Indian flairs like fenugreek or garam masala are typically muted under all that cream. In an interview with NPR, Indian food writer Pushpesh Pant says this adds up to “the lowest common denominator for a non-Indian palate.”
Mostly, when restaurants distance themselves from butter chicken, it’s because they want to do something else, whether that’s highlight the specifics of different culinary traditions in South Asia, or just try something less familiar. “I’m not against butter chicken. I just want to do much more than that,” says chef Chetan Shetty of Passerine, which serves dishes like scallion uttapam with comte cheese, and classic Lucknow beef nihari. These are dishes that, until recently, just have not been found on the majority of Indian menus in the U.S., which tended to focus on northern Indian and Punjabi curries. Slowly, new restaurants have educated the non-Indian public about the breadth of Indian cuisine.
Shetty also notes that at around $40 an entree, or $140 for the restaurant’s tasting menu, your standard curry-house butter chicken just doesn’t make sense on the menu. “Why would you come so far and take so much effort to eat butter chicken at the end of the day?” he says.
“Butter chicken can be home-delivered, and it will be as good as it was in the restaurant.”
But even the most confident chefs tend to qualify the existence—or even the future possibility—of butter chicken in their kitchens. Shetty emphasizes that he likes “good butter chicken,” and that eventually he will put his take on his menu, though it won’t look like what you find at the takeout place. And on its website, Adda has a whole FAQ about its “Butter Chicken Experience.” “Butter chicken has become somewhat of a punchline, stripped of its nuance and reduced to an afterthought,” they write, calling it popular but “misunderstood.” By using ingredients like heritage chicken, house-churned butter, and organic tomatoes, “we’re reclaiming it,” says Adda, “returning depth, elegance, and spice to a dish that deserves a place at the table.”
Who does butter chicken need to be reclaimed from, such that it can be “good” or “real”? The unspoken enemy is white people, non-Indians, anyone who equates butter chicken and garlic naan with the entirety of Indian cuisine. But for Nakul Mahendro of Badmaash in L.A., Indians rejecting butter chicken because of its popularity is “like an Italian being upset at marinara sauce.”
Mahendro and his brother, Arjun, opened Badmaash 12 years ago, at a time when, he admits, a lot of the butter chicken he found in the city was made with sugar and ketchup. They were one of the first places to start positioning Indian food toward a younger, cooler generation of the diaspora, with a mashup of fusion offerings like Chicken Tikka Poutine and fried chicken with paprika masala, and classics like saag paneer and butter chicken, made consciously but not pretentiously. They also make butter chicken samosas, and sell their butter chicken sauce by the jar. “We want to make Indian food a once-a-week cuisine. You have Taco Tuesday, you have Samosa Sundays.”
For Mahendro, butter chicken’s culinary diplomacy is a good thing. After all, if it’s popular with Indians and non-Indians alike, what’s the problem? Why shy away from something so beloved? “You are a chef, you have your own voice,” he says. “But I think the best chefs, the best restaurateurs, really understand that their gift and their product is not for them. It’s for the world.”
This is the tension inherent in any restaurant: art vs. service. How do you balance executing your singular creative vision and making the people happy? How do you make what you want and also something people want to eat (and pay for)? One is not inherently better than the other, just as Philip Glass is not inherently better than Sabrina Carpenter. But you balked at Sabrina Carpenter, didn’t you? One of those people you probably considered more deserving of respect, more “real,” even if you’re not sitting down to Koyaanisqatsi every night. Perhaps butter chicken is the pop music of Indian food, then, derided precisely because it’s so enjoyed.Mahendro asked what I thought of butter chicken. I admitted I loved it with embarrassment, that I often shied away from ordering it or making it not because I didn’t like it, but because as an Indian American, I wanted to seem more advanced than that. It just felt so basic. “But how is it basic?” he asked, before giving me a pep talk about the beauty of being an ambassador to our heritage, and of using butter chicken as a gateway to other parts of the culture. “It’s not something to be ashamed about. It’s something to be proud about.”
I sat with that message, wondering if my, or any, identity must exist in reaction to something. If there always had to be a “them” to the “us,” a butter chicken to deride in favor of something more “true.” In this new wave of restaurants, butter chicken exists as something to determinedly reject or defiantly reclaim. But I hope we’re getting closer to a time when butter chicken needn’t be a gateway, or albatross, or something to explain anymore. Maybe it can just be.
This Was the Last Mosquito-Free Nation on the Planet. Then the Bloodsuckers Arrived.
How to overcome a fear of fear
When you become afraid of your own reaction to perceived threats, it creates a vicious cycle. Here’s how to break free
by Nick Wignall
One of my therapy clients – let’s call him ‘Andrew’ – was the kind of person everyone saw as confident and charismatic. As the chief revenue officer for a fast-growing startup, he spent most of his time pitching big ideas, negotiating deals and doing media appearances. But like many outwardly successful people, Andrew had a secret: anxiety – and, especially, his fear of it. If you, like Andrew, find fear and anxiety especially uncomfortable, this Guide is for you.
While he projected calm and confidence, under the surface, Andrew got anxious anytime he had to perform: his mind would start racing with worries, and he’d get knots in his stomach and start sweating. And despite travelling frequently for work, he got anxious and panicky anytime he had to fly.
Over the years, he’d developed a collection of tricks to hide or escape the anxiety: he wore black shirts to mask sweating, meticulously memorised routes to the nearest bathroom for emergencies, and most importantly, always carried Xanax or Propranolol (a betablocker that slows heart rate). While Andrew continued to be successful in his work, he came to see me because, as he put it: ‘I’m tired of running away from all this anxiety and want to deal with it instead of masking it.’
How a fear of fear perpetuates anxiety
We all feel afraid from time to time. Often it’s a reasonable or helpful fear, like feeling scared when you hear sudden footsteps behind you late at night. Sometimes it’s unreasonable or unhelpful, like being afraid of flying despite statistics showing travelling by plane is safer than by car. Either way, most of the time these fears come and go without giving us too much trouble. But for some people like Andrew – and perhaps you too – everyday fears morph into more intense forms of chronic anxiety. Very often this has nothing to do with childhood traumas or faulty brain chemistry, and instead, it has everything to do with a lesson you’ve unintentionally taught your brain – to fear fear itself.
When you encounter something potentially dangerous and you experience fear, your brain tells your adrenal glands to release a little adrenaline to help you cope with that danger. This surge of adrenaline might not feel good, but it’s a mental and physical performance enhancer. So far, so good, but what most people don’t realise about the brain’s fear centre is that it can learn to be afraid of anything – including its own mental and physiological response to fear. If you treat something as dangerous by repeatedly trying to escape or eliminate it, that teaches your fear centre to classify it as a threat. That applies as much to your own fear response as it does to external threats, creating a vicious cycle.
Consider how this plays out in the context of Andrew’s performance anxiety. Like everyone, Andrew gets a little anxious or nervous in high-stakes situations. But then he also starts worrying about his anxiety – that it will get so intense he has a panic attack, for instance, or that other people will notice he’s anxious and think he’s incompetent. So he immediately tries to get rid of it by, for example, taking a Xanax. Even though the Xanax relieves his anxiety in the moment, this habit reinforces his belief that feeling afraid and anxious is itself dangerous. This means the next time he’s about to go into an important meeting, his brain will be more sensitive to early signs of anxiety and then release even more adrenaline as a result, thus fuelling his fear and discomfort.
Fear of fear not only makes ordinary anxieties much more intense in the moment, it can also make you a more fearful person in general. I’m going to share a simple three-step process you can use to overcome this vicious cycle.
Key points
Fear of fear can perpetuate anxiety. By fighting or avoiding your experience of fear, you inadvertently teach your brain that fear itself is something to be feared. This can exacerbate your existing fears and anxieties, and make you a more fearful person.
Use the AVA Method to undo your fear of fear. It stands for acknowledging your anxiety clearly, validating it compassionately, and acting on your values courageously. Over time it will teach your brain that your anxieties are safe.
Acknowledge your anxiety. The next time you are faced with a nerve-wracking situation, don’t try to bury or avoid the feelings of anxiety. Instead, pause and acknowledge them – simply labelling your feelings can help with this.
Validate your anxiety. Criticising yourself for your fearful reaction further teaches your brain that anxiety is something to be afraid of. Instead, remind yourself that the way you are feeling is natural and understandable – and not an inherently bad thing.
Act on your values. Finally, remind yourself why you are doing this challenging thing and how your priority is to act in line with your values, not to simply feel comfortable in the moment.
Use the AVA Method to undo your fear of fear
You may have heard psychologists say things like ‘Just sit with your anxiety’ or ‘Just allow it to be’. As nice as those sentiments sound in theory, putting them into practice is not easy – I’m in the middle of a panic attack here and you’re telling me to just let it be?! These therapy-speak platitudes are not wrong, just incomplete. To undo your fear of fear, you have to be willing to experience anxiety. But you also need the skill of actually doing it. You need practice.
Over the years, I’ve developed a simple framework called the AVA Method to practise accepting anxiety instead of avoiding it. AVA stands for the three main steps: acknowledge your anxiety clearly, validate it compassionately, and act on your values courageously. Over time this teaches your brain that your anxieties are safe, which leads to confidence in the face of anxiety instead of anxiety about anxiety.
Let’s walk through each of the steps as I used them with my client, Andrew, and his fear of anxiety around performance and flying. Keep in mind that like any new skill, accepting your fears takes practice and patience. While many people feel benefits immediately, it often takes consistent practice for several weeks before your brain really starts to trust that anxiety is safe.
Acknowledge your anxiety
When you first notice feeling anxious, your natural instinct will likely be to avoid it or try and get rid of it – perhaps by taking some anti-anxiety medication like Andrew or using a distraction technique you read about. While you should always consult with your doctor about medication-use changes, consider trying this instead: hit the pause button on this avoidance reaction by simply acknowledging how you feel. You can do this by labelling your feelings with plain emotion words: OK, I’m feeling anxious right now. Or, I’m starting to feel nervous. You may have heard the phrase name it to tame it, which is about how labelling your emotions can decrease their intensity. By acknowledging your anxiety, you’re signalling to your brain that it’s safe, even if uncomfortable. Over time, this safety learning will result in confidence in the face of anxiety rather than fear.
Validate your anxiety
Besides avoiding our fears, we also have a tendency to get judgmental with them and criticise ourselves. For example, after feeling a surge of anxiety as he walked onto a plane, Andrew would often say things to himself like: Don’t be such a baby – why can’t you handle this like a normal person? The trouble is that when you criticise yourself for your anxiety, your brain interprets this as a ‘fight’ response and continues to register the anxiety as a threat. Instead of doing this, try validating your anxiety, which means reminding yourself that however uncomfortable, it is valid and understandable, not bad. For example, you might say: I don’t like getting anxious on planes, but it’s normal to get a little nervous especially since I have a history of anxiety while flying. Or: Just because I feel anxious doesn’t mean anything is wrong. Similar to acknowledging your anxiety, when you validate your anxiety compassionately, you teach your brain that, however uncomfortable, it’s safe. What’s more, you also stop yourself from adding a second layer of anger or guilt on top of the anxiety, which makes the initial anxiety easier to handle.
Act on your values
The final step is to remind yourself of your values and act on those, not on how you want to feel. One of the insights that helped Andrew finally overcome his fear of anxiety was when he realised how much of his behaviour in life was motivated by the desire to avoid anxiety. By taking anxiety medications any time he started feeling anxious, he was depriving himself of the opportunity to teach his brain that anxiety was safe and build the confidence to make decisions based on what he really wanted (his values). So, before going into big meetings, Andrew made it a point to remind himself that authenticity was a core value for him and that he wanted to show up as his full self in his work life even if that meant being nervous. Or, when he started feeling nervous before getting a flight, he reminded himself that ambition was an important value for him, and his work required a lot of travel. Our values are powerful sources of internal motivation. By taking a moment to remind yourself of your values, it will help you take action despite feeling afraid.
Final notes
While fear of fear can exacerbate existing anxieties and even make you more generally fearful, one of the most tragic consequences is what it prevents you from doing. All the time and energy you put into avoiding your anxiety is time and energy you’re not putting into pursuing meaningful and exciting challenges and opportunities. By practising using the AVA method to accept your fears rather than trying to avoid them, you will generate a greater sense of agency over your life and future. As my client Andrew told me in our final session together:
‘I was so focused on how uncomfortable my anxiety was that I lost sight of something much more important: how narrow my life had become because of all the anxiety avoidance. But now that I have a better relationship with my fears, I feel more confident trying new things and taking on new challenges and I can feel my life opening back up.’
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPDNh7h2ISw
Ajith Kumar on Racing, Life Philosophy & 33 Years of Cinema | Cover Star | THR India
How to decide whether to step back from a difficult relationship — or stick it out
By Marielle Segarra, ClareClare Marie Schneider, Malaka Gharib
You have a strained relationship with your father, but he recently developed health issues and needs someone to care for him. You don't feel emotionally fulfilled in your marriage, but you've been with your partner for 10 years. You've made a new friend who's nice most of the time, but is mean when she's angry.
Should you step back from these relationships or stick them out?
These are the kinds of dilemmas that therapist KC Davis tackles in her book published earlier this year, Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen or End Any Relationship. It offers practical advice on how to move forward when relationships with family members, romantic partners or friends become difficult.
The book features a flowchart that Davis calls "The Relationship Decision Tree." It consists of questions that Davis asks clients when their loved ones are behaving in a way that bothers them. It helps them "make decisions about whether to lean into this relationship or disengage," she says.
Why is this behavior objectionable to you?
This question can help you pinpoint exactly what's "bothering you about a person you love," Davis says, because often there are many reasons. Parsing through the "why" can help you decide how to proceed.
Let's say your roommate isn't doing their chores. Ask yourself what annoys you specifically about that behavior, Davis says. Is it just something you don't like, or is it actually hurtful or harmful?
Are they willing to change?
Once you start digging deeper, you might find that those dirty dishes in the sink "actually directly impact me negatively," Davis says. Maybe they're starting to attract bugs.
Your next move is to have a conversation with your roommate. Are they willing to change their behavior? They may not do things exactly your way, so work on a solution together. Maybe you strike a deal where they cook and you clean, or they commit to doing the dishes before the end of the night.
Does staying in this relationship violate my values?
Your most important values are your physical safety, your psychological safety and the physical and psychological safety of minor children, Davis says. "If I cannot meet those responsibilities, then it's against my values to continue in this relationship."
You may have other core values as well, like the safety of a dependent parent or sibling, or the keeping of your sobriety.
Would leaving this relationship violate my values?
What happens if staying in the relationship doesn't violate your values, but you still don't want to maintain the relationship?
"This is where it gets really unique to you and the relationship," Davis says. Think about what you feel you owe the relationship and consider your history. How long have you known the person? What are your obligations and responsibilities to them?
"If I was stood up by a first date, I'm not obligated to give that person a second chance," Davis says. "But if my mom stood me up for lunch, it would probably be against my values to say, 'that's it, I'm never speaking to you again.'"
If I want to disengage, what could that look like?
Let's say it doesn't go against your values to leave the relationship. And so you end up deciding to disengage. How do you do that, exactly?
Davis says every scenario will be different, so take a moment to think about how you want to handle the situation in ways that protect your values.
Disengaging from a marriage, for example, might mean getting a divorce — but it could also mean being platonic co-parents living in the same house.
Disengaging from your parents might mean cutting them off and never talking to them again — but it could also mean only seeing them on holidays, she says.
Disengaging from a friend might mean you stop talking to them all together. It could also mean that you stop making one-on-one plans with them, but stay in the same social circle, she says.
Whatever you decide, give yourself permission to step back from the relationship. And remember, this doesn't have to be a permanent decision. It can be something you do temporarily as you tend to your wellbeing, Davis says.
If I want to maintain the relationship, how could I do so with boundaries?
ou might decide to stay in a relationship without disengaging because you feel like you have a responsibility to that person. Or, you might decide you're fulfilled by the relationship in certain ways and it's meaningful to you to maintain it.
In that case, it will be important to create boundaries, or rules you set up for yourself to protect your physical and psychological wellbeing, Davis says.
Let's say your dad, who has dementia, is verbally abusive, she says. Your boundary might be to visit him once a week, then call a person whom you love and trust to debrief with you after the visit.
Or maybe you're fed up with your partner who goes cycling for six hours every Saturday and isn't doing his fair share of the housework, she says. Your boundary might be to limit doing his chores for him by hiring a housekeeper.
The idea here is to "not try to get them to change, but learn how to take care of yourself on the backend," she says.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P806uwxNffA
broken bridge and dunes
The sun was a crescent red disc when I began walking towards the bridge. The beach sand was powdery and gave way beneath my feet, making walking a chore, a bore, but I forged on. I avoid walking close to the beach, where sea meets lands and where waves froth away in the wet sands. The reason for me avoiding my favourite sea, and its waves is because the ooroorkuppam inhabitants, are at that time, busy offering themselves to the sea, with the wind on their.....I think, a hundred years from now, you should not be surprising, to find these inhabitants, still polluting the very sea, that is their sole provider.
Only after I have passed the village, do I venture out of the sands, and step closer to the beach, that never ceases to threaten me with their quicksand, that is at best, a foot deep.
The sky was gray, the sun disc was orange and the beach was bare. I stood staring at the empty beach that is more often than not, filled with boats of all sizes, flying flags of various political afflictions ( read affiliations).
Sing, said the beach, pen me a poem you so called writer screamed the sea and I did.
The beach lay bare, empty, like a barren home
bereft of its squealing and howling children
The beach lay bare of its boats and floating logs
for all of them were now on the sea
like children who rush off to school
leaving the house and the hearts of their mothers
empty and aching.
Like children in school playgrounds, boats lay on the seas hither and thither
while their mothers and the shore waited for them to come home
to land and to open arms.
I looked around, and whispered, ' Will that do? Can I go now?'
' You may, and the reason you may is not because of your poetry skills, but rather the lack of it ' a voice replied.
I walked, walked and stopped to watch scores of tiny sandpipers, playing " tag me and catch if you can " with the waves, and I stood wondering, how such tiny creatures dared to do that with waves that towered over them and constantly threatening to drown them.
I stopped seeing three mint condition boats, marooned on the sand and nearly, fifty feet from the waters edge. The boats were in army camouflage green and lay among the green lawns of the weeds that had taken roots in the lifeless powdery sands.
I raised my phone to click a few photos, and a voice angrily snarled, ' Photo edukkatheenga ' and jumping out of my shoes in fear, I turned around to see, a forest department officer, coming out of the cabin of the boat behind me.
I apologised and told him sorry, and then recognising me, he began apologising to me and begged me to take as many pics I wanted to take. On one condition. No prizes for guessing. So, I posed for several selfies with him and went on my way towards the days destination. The broken bridge.
Huge machines were hard at work, desilting the mouth of the Adyar estuary, or rather the ar..hole of the water body, for it is through that, all crap floats from the city into the Bengal sea.
So, I am right in calling it that, instead of mouth. Not that it makes much difference, when it comes to humans, for their mouths and their thoughts are worse than crap.
The bridge stood still and still broken, separated and I thought, ' Is one part, us humans, while the other, larger part, Nature and other lives. Has our species, having broken the sacred covenant between right and wrong, good and bad, drifting permanently away from the very mother that gave us everything, and now kicking and spitting on the very breast that fed us?'
Feeling, rather than hearing, someone call out to me, I turned around and saw my friend, the red bun of a sun, rising out from the sand dunes.
Udaya Suriyan. Rising sun. Sometimes, I wonder, if you are the setting sun. You were baptised in 1958, and you are 67 years old. You came to power in 1967, and you are in power now, Today. But, like your party logo, you are still, or setting. But not risen.
The red sun glared at me and I daringly glared back at it. The dunes towered over me, and the sun towered over everything, and like them desert dwellers, Bedouins, I stood paying solace, to the sun, and in its heat, I came alive once again.
