bound in love - preeto SS -updated.. - Page 4

Through an accidental crack in the curtain...rajbeer saw the eight o'clock light change from charcoal to a faint gassy blue...the morning had a thick fog capturing the rays of sun...everything still like a water tank...wherein nothing flows...all is bone...telling its tale of how hard the night had been. The night that he had spent mostly awake & had finally closing his eyes on d sight of preeto huddled in d corner of d room, in d wee hours of d morning. She was cold he knew...but all his attempts to reach her were futile...as d wheelchair had been charging battery. As preeto lay cold so did Rajbeer's body...as he had pushed d covers off him. His heart...now just flesh and blood...a mindless chill had settled in it...heavy as a great stone bird...its wings that had stretched with d breeze of love...was now stiff. Rajbeer had missed Preeto's rising up and now his glacial stare was focussed on d window dat offered a peep into d open sky...& his body ached with longings. d window felt like a cage which shivered all d desperate desires of his heart.

d sound of footsteps alerted rajbeer and he closed his still sleepy eyes...he simply had no energy for another face off with preeto. As Preeto walked in with small silent steps...she felt relieved seeing rajbeer asleep. Slowly she got to her chores...tidying d room and wondering about d day she had given him up...d day she had seen him burn with desire as she had refuted his claim on her. She silently made her way to rajbeer's bed and sat with d pile of clothes for him...fondly looking at his face...How safe it was for him to hate her...bcoz his love wud have never let him marry her in dis condition of his...She knew dat rajbeer wud have never agreed. His hate had brought dem together. Preeto had no conscious awareness wen her hands had on dere own accord wandered across his face...& she tried to rack her brains wen she had seen d last smile die out from his face... in d darkest hours of her life she had seen it disappearing...how much it had let her down...how she had wanted to push out everyone from d despair she was undergoing...But rajbeer lived in her soul...& how can he not be affected by her pain. Preeto shook herself & stood up to get d wheel d chair near his bed. d four wheels on which now her once a proud Air force officer on his own legs depended on. She slid her hands on d arm rest and sat down on d floor as she touched d footstool. Nobody knew what it's like to die on the inside...She knew...bcoz d one person she wanted to save from every misery...was now in a living hell. Yet today as her first day as Mrs Preeto Rajbeer Singh...she felt strangely alive.

Rajbeer heard his heart beat...after a long time... as he stared at Preeto unaware of his awakened state. She touched around things in his room as if to feel dem..to b a part of dem...as if appealing dem to accept her too. But still, in d heart of hearts, where the love should have burned, there was a blank. He felt her pain and even would have taken the pain himself, if he could...but still somewhere far away inside him, he felt indifferent to her and to her suffering. & dats wat hurt him most of all, his failure to feel for her... even when she roused so strong emotions...was she no longer his to love?

Preeto settled herself in front of d mirror and slowly adorned herself with all d symbolisms of marital bliss...d sindoor...choora...& in her own world didn't notice now widely awake rajbeer. It was as if he were looking at two images through the same lens, at two images superimposed one on the other with one showing through the other. These two images showing through each other were telling him that everything was in the girl, that her soul was terrifyingly amorphous, that it held faithfulness and unfaithfulness, treachery and innocence. This disorderly jumble frustrated him. Was the girl he loved just a creation of his desire...his thoughts...and his faith? Why did d real girl in front of him seem hopelessly other...hopelessly alien...hopelessly ambiguous. Rajbeer sighed as he closed his eyes once again...he knew...he could never hate Preeto...ever...

Rajbeer was now all wide awake and attempting to make for d wheelchair wen d table being wheeled in by preeto caught his eye. he cudn't believe his eyes and looked deep into her eyes...a sadistic expression spreading on his normally ever-calm face. He almost hissed when he spoke. "You got food in my room?" utter disgust becoming evident as he continued... "Are everyone else eating in dere room?" The silence stretched as preeto fumbled for a quiet "No". His voice became darker and vindictive... "Except me of course?" A voice used to mock and scare... "I can no longer eat with walking normal beings right?" A voice he had not dared to use for many a century, "Leave d table here and go"...that struck a nerve... "It might be beneath you to sit with a disabled dependant like me"...and it struck it pretty damn hard. Anger that had been bubbling and stewing within him spewed over the edge and with a sudden movement he overturned d entire table.

Preeto was left alone with d sprayed contents of d table...and she smiled... "I think I'd rather be hated than ignored. Apathy is worse than hatred." Rajbeer at d table cudn't eat. his ears alert for d sound of her footsteps "had she already eaten?" "Will she eat later?"... He stared at his room. He had expected to feel some satisfaction from his action. But he felt no glory, no satisfaction, no warmth. Instead, he felt empty...alone...cold. As rajbeer dug at his morsels half heartedly he realized dat one night...& he already was craving for her company. He hated being alone...bcoz it made everything so much more cold...so much more frigid than winter.

bound in love - preeto SS

My heart is broken, I'm beside myself and yet it's my fault. I can't change the past but the past has certainly changed me. I did the unthinkable. I'm a mother; mothers don't leave their children, fathers do. And for some ungodly reason people tend to expect it when a man walks out on his family. But a mother? Mothers don't leave their families. But I did. Praneeti faked a sudden bout of cough to disguise the sudden wetness in her eyes. This was becoming more common now as the years of hardening on her heart were slowly thawing in the warmth of the sight of her son and husband. So many years apart had finally taught Devjeet to read his wife's eyes. He had refused to see the angst when they had first met for the marriage proposal...refused to read it when even their son couldn't make them truly one...& finally had closed his eyes to the sight of her tears as she had pleaded him to take her back. Rajbeer felt disgusted as he shared the same table with the woman his father had married. He still hadn't cared to ask him why she had suddenly appeared back in their lives. His dad was a great dad, that is, he made a lot of money and had always given him more than he ever needed. Rajbeer believed that he was doing more of a favour to himself. Yes he had known that the love was somewhere there, but had eventually accepted that his father no longer had the courage to give it to anyone anymore. "Juice" asked Rajbeer and immediately Praneeti poured a glassful and passed it. A sudden bitterness spread on Rajbeer's face as he stared back at d juice with anger. Devjeet slowly pulled the glass towards him and poured his son another. Rajbeer looked up astonished. "Had he already forgiven his wife? So easily?" Praneeti's eyes softened as her eyes met her husband and they asked the same question that was creating a ruckus in her son's mind. But for Devjeet, the truth was not about forgiving his wife but forgiving himself for being scared of being a failure in the role of a father, just like he had failed as a husband. It was so difficult now after being nonexistent in his son's life for so many years, that he felt like an outsider. He had forgotten how to be a father; more importantly, he didn't feel it was right to walk back into his life and start telling him what to do and what not, it just didn't feel right to be his father again. The family caught in their own world of pain, denial and guilt silently continued the breakfast.

The feelings were of great disappointment. Preeto's journey had been an emotional roller coaster ride. However, it seemed that her husband was facing more disappointment...his distress seemed more. She could feel it through his voice...His tone had told her that his frustration was double. Preeto gave up collecting d shards and just squatted on the floor. She had so much disillusionment in the last few months that she had thought that she would be immune to disappointment. But she wasn't...she couldn't...because hope lived in her. If hope were absent things just wouldn't matter; therefore, discontent wouldn't even exist.

"Preeto?" Ishu's voice cracked the silence of d room. As Ishu's eyes searched for her sister and finally traced her...she just wanted to run to her...hug her...hold her as tight as she could...and take her back home with herself. "Why did you let all this happen?" she said within her mind but not to her. At that moment, her sister looked up...& ishu was reminded dat she still was her younger sibling. All of her insides screamed "it's all because of me". But pulling strength from somewhere to hold the tears back Ishu knelt down beside Preeto. "Why did you hide the truth? Why did you let her take advantage of your fears? Why did you fight my wars?"

Rajbeer sat with his head in his hands with his mind repeatedly telling him, "Don't cry, don't cry". Of course the shackles on his heart had broken apart but not before finishing off ripping his heart apart. "Somebody help me"!!!! His interiors were crushed severely and were falling apart and his exterior failed to deceive his best and oldest friend. Dhruv knew he had to be strong for him. He felt bad enough that he was somewhere responsible for all this. "I am..." Rajbeer interrupted him "No. I am sorry. She gave me her heart and that's all she could give me. People disappoint you. I get that. I kind of expect that, but what if you wake up one day and realize that you're the disappointment?" Rajbeer looked up with such a heart wrenching loss written all over his face that Dhruv wanted to strangle himself for whatever his mom had brought upon his dearest friend. The truth that his mother had come out with after he and Ishu had confronted her had broken his heart...& he had wanted to cry hard...loud, but instead the pressure of guilt had caused it to break in a million little pieces. After the initial shock, pain and heartbreak, Dhruv and Ishu had decided to face facts with the two people whose future, love and life they had ruined.

Freedom originates from the heart. When Preeto had first given in to Neelam aunty's demands she had imprisoned herself...and somewhere even Rajbeer, without either of them even being aware of it until it was time for them to come out. There were tons of unexpected emotions that were happening at the moment in her heart. Throughout these days, she had occupied a small little corner within the walls of that prison. A small voice in her spoke to her...dat d time is here...d time to come out. A light was shining inside her as she finally stepped forward from the silhouette dat she had been hiding in. Joy unspeakable! She felt as if she had finally reached the finish line...waiting for the green light, waiting to fly off unbounded into the sky of love.

Severe fear set in rajbeer as he realized that his heart was still glued to his body. The fear of the choice dat lay in him now...to accept Preeto...love her back...release every emotion he had locked in himself. But how could he come out with all his feelings when his condition still bound him? The fear intensified and Rajbeer began to cry uncontrollably. "I can't love her; I can't bind her to my useless self!" "All past events are just that, past events Rajbeer. They don't mean anything anymore." Dhruv tried desperately to calm his friend. But the pain of d havoc dat he had created in Rajbeer's life settled in his eyes and he knew dat d truth might have just made things all the more difficult.

As Preeto waited in her room a mixture of emotions starting from joy to gladness to anticipation to fear to being elated to just plain crazy erupted inside her. Dhruv and Ishu had just left. They knew the truth...he knew the truth. He knew that she had been there for him every minute, everyday, even on d day she had rebuked him...refused him. "He will feel sorry. But I won't let him. Apologies...anger... no longer have any place in our relationship. I will tell him...how much...how long..." Preeto filled up with emotions so strong dat she wondered whether any words could ever explain or capture that moment in her heart. She just gave up on trying to describe the feeling and simply resorted to "just happy". Every minute of wait for Rajbeer felt so special to her and knew it wud b just d same for him.