The Ballad of Prince Baz & The Lady of the Sky - Page 4

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return_to_hades thumbnail
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Posted: 15 years ago
#31

Originally posted by: Mister.K.

You have received a lot of bouquets. It's time you received a couple of brickbats. It will help you in the long run.

1. Proof reading an article before publishing it is a good idea. Run a spell checker in order to avoid errors and typos like "undettered", "velverty " and "saphhire". Use a word processor to avoid fragmented sentences.

2. Your introductory chapter is high on adjectives and superlatives when talking of your main character. The rest of your story would feel pressurized to live up to the readers' expectations. Allow the readers to be the judges instead of deciding for them whether Prince Baz has a heart of gold or not.

3. I personally would have preferred to read about the main character later on in the story when the time is "right" (a damsel in distress, good guys suffering at the hands of evil, someone is in peril etc) but it's a personal choice.

4. I would avoid repetitious verbiage. Torrid, sweltering, unusually warm etc all indicate pretty much the same thing.

5. Avoid obvious comparisons that would eventually be made. Looking at the titles of your chapters, I was reminded of the Harry Potter series instantaneously.

6. A little bit of dialogue somewhere in the first chapter would help people relate to the story in a better way instead of being monotonous. It also establishes how the character speaks to his audience instead of you speaking to your audience directly.

7. I felt let down by what the mare ate at the end of a grueling day. The description could have been richer than just "water and corn".

Good luck!



Thanks for the feedback. Every once in a while it takes some tough criticism to improve.

Careless spelling errors are my nemesis, and I admit I did not really run a spell or grammar check at all. I've been criticized for comma splices and fragments for ages not, but its one thing that does not seem to go away. I'm not sure why I am overcompensating with useless verbs, I'll make a mental note of that because now that you point it out - it sounds really terrible.

Well the main character is built up more than usual and early, simply because the main character is a member of the forum. Unfortunately, I'm not going to get rid of the overall cheesiness. Its going to be somewhat intentionally Meyeresque or Rowlingesque.

One thing I do promise no characters will sparkle.
413342 thumbnail
Posted: 15 years ago
#32

Originally posted by: return_to_hades

Thanks for the feedback. Every once in a while it takes some tough criticism to improve.

That's a very commendable attitude. Not everybody can take criticism and that includes me. I am sure you also handle praise with equal aplomb.
I will make myself scarce now. Good luck once again.
return_to_hades thumbnail
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Posted: 15 years ago
#33
Without much ado. I present the next chapter.


Chapter 3: The Dark Ones

Slowly the shadows began to take shape as Prince Baz and the Grand Wizard drew closer to the group. There was a thin wispy mist that seemed to envelop the beings from the dark worlds. Prince Baz felt as if his heart had literally stopped beating when he set his eyes on the first few of them.

They were thin sallow beings, who almost appeared to glide as they walked amidst themselves. Their faces were ashen white, skin so pale that it was almost translucent displaying the bluish hued blood within. They had eyes unlike he had ever seen before, shades like deep scarlet, cerulean, amethyst or darkest ebony, so listless, hollow and deep like an endless pit. Each one of them had hair that would have been the envy of all fair maidens, silky jet black with tresses that carelessly flew over their shoulder. Their faces were frightful, yet so perfectly beautiful, faces one could fall in love with in a glance. And the most seductively beautiful part of their bodies were their flawlessly shaped deep red lips, with a mesmerizing smile that could almost have you ignore the sharp fangs within.

"Vampires" Prince Baz gasped

"Oh Yes" cackled the Grand Wizard "But that's not all. We also have…."

"Spare the fright fest my good man" A voice interrupted "You give us a terrible reputation. Of course our lot may not be the kind guests you want to invite home for a lovely quiet dinner. However, we definitely are not as frightfully evil as some of would make us out to be"

"Of course my Lord" the Grand Wizard bowed apologetically and took a step backward

"Lord Hades, at your service" the voice held out a hand towards the prince. The Prince glanced around hesitantly before shaking it.

"That's my boy" laughed the voice "Just a human hand you see. Hope it was not a downer. The Grand Wizard likes to make people think that its some skeletal corpse or covered in festering boils or dripping in venom. Its just human. Although it ought to be a lot lighter and longer I think. I've always thought my hands were stubby"

"So you are Lord Hades" Prince Baz mentioned in mixed sense of awe and puzzlement "You are the dark overlord of the underworld. The one and only Hades that the Greeks of east revere and fear"

"That's me. Although you make it sound like I have a terrible job"

"Pardon me for my ignorance. But all the stories" Prince Baz explained himself

"I know, I know. They keep telling you about Tartarus and the vats of boiling lava that we tortured souls in. They leave out the part about the Elysian Fields, which by the way have won the awards for most beautiful place in the whole entire universe for ten centuries in a row now. Enough about me though. Let me introduce you to my lovely friends before my friend the Grand Wizard here feeds you with all the gibberish lore about us."

"Be my guest" the Grand Wizard said dryly as he left Prince Baz alone with Lord Hades and the denizens of the dark worlds.

"These here are the vampires, as you must have noticed" Hades pointed to the beautiful gliding men and women "Yes, unfortunately they do drink blood, and human blood too. Fortunately, we at Hades literally have hundreds of gushing rivers of blood. So rest assured you all are safe, they are well satiated. The tall mighty one up there is the leader of this coven Lord BoomBoom"

"Make sure to tell him we do not sparkle" the tallest of them spoke up. Not only was his form towering above the others, but his voice boomed thunderously across the room.

"Yes, they do sparkle. Apparently some little girls somewhere are spreading the rumor that vampires sparkle in the sunshine. That's definitely not true. Trust me, a vampire in sunlight is not a pretty picture even for the bravest of mortal eyes. Quiet horrendous actually. I myself almost yelp in fear when that happens"

Prince Baz and Hades soon walked into a group of young very beautiful women. They wore dark capes and tall hats drawn low over their dark kohl lined eyes. Each of them carried a cauldron and a broomstick.

"Witches" Prince Baz exclaimed in wonder at the lethal and most elegant of the dark beings.

"Right on. Let's see. They do brew potions and they do ride broomsticks. They have a repertoire of some of the most frightfully powerful spells in the universe that you hope you may never have to hear off. Although I do not see what's terrible or dark about that. You just make darn sure you never cross one. Being that they are such lovely dears its almost impossible to do so"

Lord Hades then gestured Baz towards the petite witch who sat on a wooden bench telling an animated tale to her sisters. "This here is the leader of this coven. Her origins are a mystery. She is said to have known great witches like Elphaba and Glinda. Her coven sisters say she is most fearless of them all. Hence, we know her as Fearless Witch"

"Hello Deario" the witch paused her narration to greet Baz "I was just telling the coven sisters the story of the first book of Shadows"

"Well those are the denizens of the dark world that are allying with your King Gur" explained Lord Hades "The King wanted to make sure that his best knight was introduced to all of them. There are more allies, whom you will know in time to come"

"Hmm" Prince Baz said skeptically "And why is the great Dark Lord Hades allying himself with our King"

"There is threat of the barbarian hordes from the East attacking the Great Isles anytime. The King needs as many powerful allies if war is to break out"

"That explains the King's needs" Baz paused before continuing carefully "But that does not explain why you choose to ally with the King. What's in it for you? What ends do you wish to achieve?"

"You are wise and thoughtful, just like your King said you would be" Hades laughed

"You are a stranger. Not just any stranger, but a powerful being from the dark worlds. How are we to trust you? Why should we trust you as our ally? It makes no sense. There is no reason why you and your powerful friends would ally with a feeble mortal kingdom. You have a hidden motive that I plan to find out" the Prince replied defiantly, hoping that his loyalty and desire to protect his kingdom would not cause him doom.

_DrEaM_ thumbnail
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Posted: 15 years ago
#34
Another wonderful chapter there RTH!! so those were vampires and witches, will there be any other creatures from hades? Lord of Hades finally appears! It's interesing now...and I think prince baz is so right about the plan behind alliance!!

Waiting for the plan and mysterious journey of Prince Baz!!

RTH what i like is...this story is not only concentrating on finding a girl for Baz but much more beyond that so even knowing this is a romantic story we are finding it like a suspense story which is much more fun to read as upcoming chapters are always unexpected which is always required in a good writing.

Keep it up and hats off👏
baz786 thumbnail
16th Anniversary Thumbnail Sparkler Thumbnail + 2
Posted: 15 years ago
#35
Another Awesome well written chapter RTH 👏

i liked the entire concept of the chapter esp the vampires n witches
Summer3 thumbnail
17th Anniversary Thumbnail Trailblazer Thumbnail + 2
Posted: 15 years ago
#36
Nice one RTH I can only imagine PB ( Prince Baz) n Deario 😆
366774 thumbnail
Posted: 15 years ago
#37
My my my RTH you are a great writer gosh it was awsome cannt wait to read the other chapters have read the two only! GREAT JOB👍🏼👏

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