OS: For better, or for Worse? - Page 2

Originally posted by: What_the

Hi white-lies,

I liked how you described what is running through both their heads in alternate stanzas.

Your writing style is new and refreshing and i would love to read more from you...may be a piece of fiction, like as OS?

Welcome to the forum - we are all quite mad here about paro and rudra - and welcome you to join the madness!

Cheers

What_the

Originally posted by: napstermonster

White Lies:

I will tell you something as a senior, pompous member of the forum. I claim to be your senior per my 1000 posts. Yes that's right. I'm totally internet-bullying you. You need to flesh this out. And you need to actually go ahead and write every damn thing that comes to you, on this, and on anything else, too. Please--create something out of this free flow of images, of beautiful lines that you have strung together here. Because? well, this is incredible.

This is however, also teasing, Baisa. For those of us who love to read, and enjoy "new" talent when they come to the forum, its pure hell to see such promise hide its light underneath a bush. I found the flow brilliant, like a game almost, one image following the next. Each building off of the previous concept.

Honestly, I cannot imagine what brilliance you'll use to move this into a story format, because as it is right now, it feels stream of consciousness like, as if two people are emoting, standing very close to each other. I almost think, should it just be like this? A perfect few moments of feeling? But then I'm greedy. I say, no. I'm sure, when you penned this down, you had a glimpse of a body within which you'd be able to inject this heart. The heart is beautiful, moving and evocative, Baisa. Abb body bhi deh doh!

Thank you for this. Welcome.
Navin

Originally posted by: chotidesi

Resing.

Unres:

I must start with a major criticism: You used a sans serif font. 😆 Serif fonts, at least for me, are easier to read- would you mind using one next time? It will never deter me from reading though 😆

For someone who says this is their first attempt at writing, I will have to bow down to you. And then smack you for being so awesome. This was amazing- the double perspective, the contrast in their viewpoints- everything was just so well done. I love the innocence you give Paro, and the ruthlessness Rudra has.

I really liked this line: He calls me beautiful. He is strange- why does he slap me with that "praise"? It hurts. Always. This is not how it was supposed to be.

I've always wondered what her reaction to his "khoobsurat" insult would be- mainly because it's usually a compliment. I would be incredibly confused if I was her- and that's something you've embodied beautifully. I am definitely stalking this- you're a fabulous writer, and I completely mean that.

Oh, and welcome to the forum- I'm glad to have writers like you here!

Originally posted by: Suni

This was brilliant!

Originally posted by: niyoti

That was truly beautiful. The image that filtered into my mind was of a moon lit room with Paro and Rudra both trying to sleep. I could imagine them tossing and turning with these thoughts as they wound down for the day. Love the alternate stanzas for Him and Her, and how they seem to be interlinked. Also the humorous note it ending about the rats.

Welcome to the forum! Absolutely delighted that we have such an amazing talent pool. Keep writing.