FF: Dasht-e-Tanhai mein...UPDATED-Page 3

(In the desert of solitude,

Oh love of my life, quiver

The shadows of your voice,

The mirage of your lips.)

Shaan shut his laptop and massaged his temples.It had been a hectic day.He had come home late from work, warmed up last night's pizza and had eaten it while starting work on the report for their new project.The report was due in a week's time but he liked to be one step ahead at all times.

It was past 2 at night.He had to be at the office at 7 in the morning for an early meeting and the drive to work took him more than half an hour. His friends had told him to find an apartment closer to work but he wanted to stay here.NEEDED to stay here.It was his private hell.Or heaven.Depending on which of his memories decided to appear.He could never summon specific ones at will.They had a life and mind of their own.Just like Khanak.

He rubbed his hands over his face and sighed.He wondered how long it would be before his past released its stranglehold upon him.He didn't want to forget anything, he just craved relief from the maelstorm it dragged him into. He wanted to be able to sleep at night as soon as he lay down instead of tossing and turning for hours, he wanted escape from the dreams that haunted him even when he did manage to fall asleep, he didn't want to hear her voice whenever the wind changed direction, or breathe in her scent whenever it rained.

He wanted to be able to go places without fearing that the khanak of a stray bangle would remind him of a certain name and a certain person who loved that sound...whether it came from her bangles or was uttered by his lips.He pondered upon the contrary nature of humans.He prayed for oblivion when her thoughts dominated his mind but at the same time he derived what little pleasure he had left in life by thinking of her, remembering her, re-living every second spent with her.

The window banged shut as the wind changed directions and gained momentum.As he locked the window, the wind raged outside. 'Shaantanu!' was the name it carried.

The sound of her laughter echoed in his dream, a tear made its way down the sleeping Shaan's cheek.

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Khanak kept aside the pile of papers and banged her fist against her forehead in an effort to shake loose the headache that seemed to have lodged itself there the past few hours. She had finally finished correcting the mid-term papers of her O-levels English Literature class. She loved teaching the kids who were genuinely interested in literature. Who wanted to know the what, how and why of each story, play and poem. Their eager eyes and quick minds made up for all the nights she stayed up late, preparing interesting lessons. She was older than her students in both age and experience but she was frequently surprised by the things they managed to come up with. She didn't remember being this mature at such an early age.In fact, she had been a kid even after her marriage...

The headache suddenly seemed like a mere pinprick compared to the hurt that consumed her body and soul. Her marriage had been the best and worst thing that had ever happened in her life. The memories were her constant companions, beloved friends and hateful enemies. They were not biddable. They would all come at once, uninvited, and flood her senses. Just like Shantanu.

The more she wished she could move on, the more they kept her rooted in the past. Sometimes it seemed as if she was living someone else's life now. Her own life she had lived with Shantanu. If she were ever to write an account of her life, it would start and end with him. His name, his memories. His laughter and joy. His smell. The scent of his aftershave. His madness that was his love for her. She remembered each detail, no matter how small it was. The way he said her name, the way he liked to watch her sleep. Waking up in the middle of the night to find herself coccooned in his embrace. The way he loved to tease her and the way he put his fingers on his ears to apologize. How he would come up behind her and hold her tight in his arms, especially when she was angry at him. The way he rubbed his unshaved cheek against hers, loving her irritation. She also remembered the other things. The things that had finally driven them apart. The things that had shattered her life and his. These were the memories that told her that it was time to move on. To start enjoying what she had, what she was. To stop letting mere memories dictate her actions.

Unfortunately she had no say in the matter. She was destined to live in the shadows of the few years of her life that had been spent with him.

Khanak turned in her sleep, seeking someone she always needed. Her hands met empty space.

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