*::.~FF Dostana~.::* OLD CHAP PUT UP AGAIN - Page 105

Khanak opened her eyes slowly, her head pounded and she felt dazed, as the events of last night came back to her. She recalled the flood of happiness and relief she had felt when she had seen Shaan on her door. A soft smile formed on her lips and she recalled the drinking and the revelations about Aditya. She turned on her back, and found herself in Shaan's arms as she remembered what she had decided on doing before he had come. A chill ran up her smile as she thought about her mother's letter, her eyes became moist, as she pulled herself up and got out of bed.

She stood in front of her closet, and stared at the door, for a few seconds before she took a deep breath and opened the doors, and retrieved the box that contained her mother's letter. She shut the door and looked back at Shaan, for a second, before walking out of the room

~*~*~*~

Shantanu woke up with the hope of seeing Khanak sleep peacefully beside him, but he woke up to an empty bed. He sat up and looked around a bit, then stood up and walked out where he saw Khanak, on the sofa, sitting holding her legs to her chest, her face buried in her lap. She looked distant and sad. Shaan patted Coco, who had ran to him, as he had gotten out of the bedroom, wagging her tail, he then went and sat next to Khanak. He sat there still, not knowing what to say, if to say anything or not. He looked at the table, where last night's vodka bottles and glasses still lay; He noticed an unfamiliar object, a box. He tore his eyes away from the box as he heard a sob escape Khanak's lips. He immediately got up from the sofa and sat on his knees to look directly at Khanak as he touched her hands, 'Hey... Kya hua? Aditya?'

Khanak looked at him, her eyes were full of tears, as she shook her head, motioning his guess was wrong, she took a deep breath as she lifted her head, and then after wiping her face with the back of her hand she finally spoke.

'No, he just... I love him Shantanu, I think I do, but I am not crying because of him, I –' she stopped for a second, 'I am crying, because he – made me- he made me,' a tear rolled down her cheek, 'He made me see, what I refused to see, for so long.'

'kya?'

'That I am a fortress; I never share my feelings...'

'Yeh saach nahi hai...'

'Hai! Woh, saach kehta hai, hamesha, main hamesha se hi. Kabhi apni feelings kissi ke saath share nahi karti, Tashu ke saath bhi, thodi si karti thi, but most of the time I used to keep it all locked in.'

'But you say things to me.'

'You are different, I don't know how, but you are...'

'Khanak, everyone is secretive to a certain extent.'

'No!' she took a deep breath, 'It's no ordinary secretive thing that I have, it's... much more complicated, and,' her voice broke, 'I- can't- can't keep it within me anymore, I feel like I am bursting!'

'Khanak...' he sat next to her and hugged her, 'what is it? You know you can tell me, anything.'

She nodded, and then looked into his eyes, while she held his hand for support, 'You know why, why I have been a little distant, a little lost... this past month?'

Shantanu, 'No, but I guessed you will tell me when you are ready to...'

She pointed at the box that Shaan had noticed earlier, 'dad gave it to me, when I went to meet him last month.'

'What is it?' Shantanu asked as he sat next to her.

Khanak turned to him, 'My mother's letter, she wrote it to me, before she died- killed herself. My father kept it from me, for so many years and he wasn't going to give it to me! Suman made him.'

'He must have been trying to protect you, or thought you...'

'Yes I know! But he had no right!'

'Khanak...'

'No Shaan! I had a right to know what my mother had to say! What did she want me to know... I had a right of knowing why I lost my mother, why she saw it fit to kill herself. Why I slept one night and the next day found my mother dead! Why...' tears rolled down her eyes as she grasped Shaan's hand and continued speaking, in spite of the growing knot in her throat, 'why I couldn't cry on my mother's dead body, because dad was distraught and I felt the responsibility of being the brave one, of supporting him. You know,' she turned to him, 'I cried on the bathroom floor, with my hands on my mouth, so no one would hear me...' she looked at him, but her eyes had a distant look in them, 'I remember, school functions were the worst, I used to look at my friends, who would hug their mothers and their parent would come congratulate them, and I remember thinking to myself, "why don't I have a mother?" but I had no one who I could ask this question…'

He rubbed her hand to comfort her, 'did you read it?' he asked her in a faint whisper.

She looked into his eyes, 'No.'

'Why?'

'when I was seven,' he took a deep breath, as she garnered the strength, to tell him what she hadn't told a soul in her entire life, something that had clawed her, hurt her in unspeakable ways since she was a child, a tear escaped her eyes, as she thought about that night, one of the worst of her life...

Shantanu sat closer to her, and held her hand tighter, squeezing it a little, as if to assure her that he was there for her, and he will always be there.

'Nani, had come to our place. My mom had just come back from the rehab, she had had another one of her spells… and Ah… my nani, she was furious. They- my mom, nani and dad, thought I was asleep, but I wasn't, I had snuck out to get a chocolate… I heard them say… heard my nani say…' tears swelled in her eyes, 'that they should have never had me… that mom should have never had me… that it was because of her love for my dad, that she went against the doctors advise and had me. Nani told my mother, that she had lost the sense of what is right for her, because of her love for my dad. That it is because of her having me, that she is suffering so much today… Mama, had gotten pretty fine, before she had me, and after me, she, her progress had declined…' he looked at him as she cried, 'It is because of me, that she was in such a condition…it was my fault Shaan…'

'Khanak your Nani, she couldn't have meant that, she was just, I don't know concerned…'

'no she was right, she was right, my mother had to go off her medicines, for nine months when she had me, that is a very long time, for not being on your medicines Shaan, I read that in a book.'

'you should read her letter.'

'I am scared.'

'why?'

'I have lived with the burden of wondering, if I weren't born, my mother would have been alive. That if she wouldn't have loved dad so much, she would been alive… and I am scared, that she would say the same, that she regretted having me or loving my father…'

'Khanak…'

'can you read it to me?'

'what?'

'I tried, but I couldn't … I won't be able to Shaan, please do this for me.'

Shantanu nodded, and took the small box in his hand, Khanak snuggled to him as he opened the box and took out the letter. He looked at her, 'you ready?'

She smiled faintly, as she took his hand and held it, 'I am now, with you here…'

He took a deep breath as he started to read it out, 'Dear Khanak…'

~*~*~*~

Dear Khanak,

Your father wanted to name you Shonali, that's why he calls you Shona. But I refused to name you that! No Khanak suited you more, because of your smile, your laughter; it always reminded me of- bangles, the sound they make always got a smile to my face, just the way laughter did...

I don't know how old you will be when your father decides to give you this letter. I know him all too well; he might think it's better to give this to you later, though I hope he doesn't do that, but if he does, forgive him, you know he loves you...

I don't know what you expect me to say. Do you want boy related advice? Marriage? work? child? I don't know... And this makes me realize how much will I miss, how you will achieve all these milestones in your life and I won't be there to hold your hand, and support you, or smile with pride and joy ... How I am going to deny you from having your mother with you.

You might think I was weak, god knows my mother thinks that! But I wasn't, I fought my whole life Khanak, I never gave up on the never ending battle with myself.

My mother of course would have liked a "normal" daughter, less embarrassment, when I went off in her dinner parties. She always found a way to make me feel inadequate. She is an infuriating woman, and if she does the same to you, you have the permission to tell her to bugger off.

Anyway, before I met your father, I always felt cursed, trapped, and incompetent, like I was the worst thing put on this earth. But when I met him, it was like someone had switched on the lights in my life!

I remember, the day I saw him, that was the day I fell in love! He was one of the best looking guys I had met, but also, the kindest, self-less gentleman ever.

With him smiling beside me, life ceased to be so much of a struggle, I was happy, for the first time in my life, I felt like I could do anything, fly even, if I wanted to. That is important Khanak, feeling happy with a man; happiness is something we all overlook in front of the heady romance, the lust, and the rush of being in a relationship. But happiness is the most important; everything else fades away, happiness, true happiness remains. Even when I was in pain, when I was in one of those moods, your father, the sight of him could make me smile. His holding me, made me feel complete, in a way I can never understand.

My mother didn't disapprove of your father; I really believe marrying him was the only decision of mine that she didn't look down upon.

My life started after I married him, I was happy and in control of myself, for the first time in my life…

I can do anything for your father, he gave me strength to fight, he gave me motivation to be myself, something I had forgotten to do being with my mother; you know he made me start writing? He told me to pen down my ideas, he was my first fan, and he always read everything I ever wrote.

We had a happy marriage, we were in love, and happy, young and accomplished in our respective fields (I had published two successful novels and your father had finally gotten his business up and running). But something was missing; we both were ready to have a family. But it wasn't easy…

I still remember when the doctors told me and your father that we shouldn't have a child, because I would have to go off my medicines, and for nine months in my condition it could be difficult. My doctors feared that I would never be able to get back the success I had achieved with my treatment. They feared that, it would become like before (when I was younger, even in spite of taking medicines I would have relapses, and then I would start disposing of with my medicines, making the condition worse).

I was so disheartened. Your father was ready to live without children, but me- I wanted you so much. It took a lot of convincing, but I convinced your father and we took the risk, 9 months- no medicines. Those nine months were the toughest... I had to battle from myself; it was so hard, especially on your father. But then the first time I held you in my arms, that was, and still is the happiest moment of my life! It made it all worth it; you made it all worth it.

I know what my mother thinks Khanak, I know you heard my mother say (even though your father believes you didn't)- my relapse was mine and your father's fault, that if we would have listened to the doctor's and not had a child, we would have never faced any problems.

I could see the sadness in your eyes that day... And I fear that you might live under the assumption that that's true, that it was your fault, that you had something to do with my death, but it's not.

You my love are my biggest treasure, you are my everything, and I can never regret having you Khanak, never! You are the best thing that happened to me, it is not your fault Khanak, it can never be...

I just lost, I lost the battle and I don't want you and your father to become casualties! I want you to have a normal life! Without a mother who is crazy and unpredictable. It's a child's right to have stability, to have a mother who is there for them, and I will not be able to give you either. I will be too hyper or too depressed, you and your father deserve better.

Your father will never let me go Khanak, and I will never let you go, and I find this to be the only way… with me gone you both can finally live happily, live a normal life!

I know you would feel I don't have a right to decide this for you, but… Khanak I was about to slap you once, in a fit of mania I was about to harm you! Thank god your father came that day, but what if he wouldn't have?! What if I would have injured you severely in my bout of mania! These questions haunt me day and night. I can't control myself anymore and I know it will only get worse, and I can't let that happen, I would rather be a dead mother that the one who harms her child.

I promised you when you were put in my arms for the first time, that I will always protect you, and that includes protecting you from me too. Your father, the optimistic, thinks I can get okay, but I know I can't, I know how difficult it was the first time around and I don't think I have the fight in me anymore, as I said, I fought but sadly I lost.

I am not scared of what awaits me, but I am scared for you, I fear, that if you do remember my mother's words, you might blame yourself; I fear that you might be scarred. That's why I wrote this letter, to tell you, that you brought nothing but happiness in my life, and having you was the best decision I made. You and your father are the two most important people in my life, and being with the two of you, was when I was the happiest. I feel privileged, to have loved the two of you and have that love in return, for however short amount of time that was. I feel happy, to know that I am going to live in both your memories. I am happy Khanak, and I want you to be too.

I know you will need me, there will be times when you want me around but I won't be there. So before bidding good bye, as your mother I want to give you a little piece of advice, something I learnt the hard way, something I want you to know – don't ever be afraid of anything sweetheart. I made the best decisions in my life when I wasn't afraid! I was always afraid most of my life, but when it mattered most I wasn't. I wasn't afraid when I decided to have drinks with your father, and I wasn't afraid when I told the doctor to shove his science in the dustbin, when he told me not to have you.

I was scared to run away with your father though, I felt he deserved better, that he should be in love with someone better, someone who was normal- I was afraid, that he would realize this too. I feared he would walk out on me, and when I told this to your father, he erupted into a huge laugh! He then held my face, and told me that I was crazy to think he would ever let go. I still remember his words, "Naina, I will never let you go, I will never leave you, ever! You are my everything…"

I guess what I want to say, but am being inarticulate about it, is that don't be afraid to do anything! Especially don't be afraid to love, as I was. When we are afraid, we deny ourselves happiness, especially when we are afraid to love. And today, looking back- I agree with your father, if I would have been scared and would have not gone with your father, I would have never own what happiness truly is. Because sometimes love is sitting right next to us (the first time your father and I met, it was in a dinner party and he had sat next to me), and we are too afraid to look it in the eye and acknowledge the depth of our feelings. We rationalize it, think of ways of suppressing the feelings, but feelings are things to swim in and not burry!

I would have rationalized that going with him, was wrong, that I would ruin his life, or that he would leave me. And if your father would not have gotten some sense into me, I would have denied myself, out of fear, ten years of happiness and love that I had with your father and you…

Anyway, just remember to be fearless Khanak and always remember that I love you, and where ever I might be I will always think about you.

Love you always,

Your mother.

~*~*~

Shantanu and Khanak sat there still, as statues as silent tears trickled down Khanak's eyes. Shantanu held her tight, and let her cry; holding his hand, he didn't know how much time had passed, when she finally spoke.

'I remember her very clearly...'

'Of course you do.'

'hmm... she would always do these crazy things,' she said with a weak smile, 'once, when we were in Manali, I was about six. We lived there for about a years, when dad was trying to get a hotel up and running, Um... I had a maths test, and I was scared that I would fail, and I told her so, when she was putting me to bed. And she laughed and said, not to worry, and went out the room, and I fell asleep.' She looked at Shantanu, who had been looking down at her, and smiled, 'she came to my room, and woke me up, it was five in the morning, and she made me wear my shoes and sweater and... and we drove, I kept asking her "mom hum kahan jaa rahe hai", but she just smiled and said, it was a surprise.'

'what about your dad?'

'dad, had gone to some place for a meeting for two-three days, he was about to come back in the evening.'

'so where did she take you?'

'On a hill, we stopped, and it was about 5:45, she got me out, and got out this picnic basket, with breakfast in it. And we sat on the bonnet of the car and saw the sun rise,' she looked at him again, 'she had been up all night making, my favourite things, pan cakes, jelly, and a cake, and well, we had a picnic and then, we spent the whole day together, in the bazaar, just having fun and playing around in the arcade and buying things, she told me, "my daughter doesn't have to do anything she is afraid of," when I asked about the maths test.'

He smiled, 'it must have been a fun day...'

'yup, it was, still is the best memory I have with her, but then...'

'What?'

'We went back home, and dad was furious, I don't think I have ever seen him that angry. The teacher had called his secretary, when no one at home had picked up, to ask about me. She asked why I had missed the test and whether I was ill, he had come home to receive his secretary's phone. He was furious at maa, for taking me out like that, for having me miss my maths test, being irresponsible. I was in my room, crying, while they fought outside. Mom had gotten furious and she took off, she didn't come home for a day. Dad, he came in my room and kissed me good night, and said sorry, he thought I was asleep.'

He held her hand tighter, 'she would do that sometimes, just take off, and not return, you know when she was not well,' she continued speaking, 'And sometimes, she would cry in her room and not get out of bed, or eat anything until dad would come and talk to her, get her out of bed, and clean her up. But when she was writing, then she was the happiest, and calm.'

'it must have been difficult.'

'Yes, it was. You know something?'

'what?'

'I have all my life, tried to be not like her. I have tried so hard at being anything but her. I write, and I am pretty good at it, but I don't write novels, because...'

'She was a novelist.'

She nodded as a tear rolled down her cheek, 'and I have never read a book by her, never, I don't know why, but I just could never... and now thanks to Aditya I realised that- I am afraid of falling in love, because I always thought, felt that if she wouldn't have loved my father so damn much and wouldn't have given me birth, she would have been alive. I know it is stupid...'

'It's not.'

She broke into sobs, 'I have always, always been like this, I never let anyone in, and now I am incapable of falling in love!'

'You are not Kapoor... you- hey! Listen to me,' he took her face in his hands, 'you are one of the most loving people I know.'

'Liar!'

'No, you are, you just haven't found the right person to fall in love with yet.'

Khanak looked into his eyes with a longing he hadn't seen in them ever, like she was torn between choices, but she looked away soon, for him to be sure of what he had seen.

'Well, it is never too soon, to try and improve yourself, is it now?' she said with a smile, 'and she wanted me to be not afraid right?'

'Yes, and I have the perfect way, for you break out and do things you are afraid from, or have just not done yet.'

'what do you mean?'

'wait here,' he stood up and walked out of the apartment.

'Khandelwal!' she called out for him, after a minute passed.

He came in holding the same silver paper wrapped present he had gotten her.

'Khandelwal, I didn't mean I would change my rules.'

'Khanak, you need to open this, trust me and this is more to do with what you said right now, than you stupid rules, trust me, open it.'

He kept the wrapped book in her lap, as he sat next to her.

She looked at him, 'this better be good.'

'It'll be.'

She eyed him for a second, before she started un-wrapping the book.

'Oh my god!'

'Told you.'

'You said it was a classic!'

'Well, I told you I love her, and well, I think she is better than Charles dickens so...'

Khanak smiled as she held the third and last book her mother had written, the cover was a little faded, but her mother's name still shone, 'the mother I am, by Naina. K. Kapoor' she read the title.

'It is beautiful, still makes me want to go and hug my mother, every time I read it.' Shantanu said with a smile, 'when you told me your mother's name in that ball, I figured, perhaps a part the story, was her message to you. And then when I was in London, in a book store I saw the book, and well, checked the first page, for any dedication, and then I knew I was right. Open it, read the dedication.' He urged her.

Khanak opened the book and read it; her eyes swelled with tears as she said it out loud, 'to my daughter, hopefully I- I can explain how much I love you...'

'You know the story?'

'No, I never asked anyone and never opened any book by her to know anything.'

'It is a story of a mother's decision to leave her daughter, because she felt that was the way she can save her daughter, give her happiness... but of course the mother and daughter meet in the end, make amend. The reason she left her daughter was different and she doesn't kill herself.'

Khanak wrapped her arms around Shaan's neck and cried into his chest, he held her tight. He kissed her head, and told her to take deep breaths.

'I have another happy memory of her and me' she said.

'what is that?'

'We used to dance, just you know, dance like we are crazy and without a care in the world... jump around the house, it used to be beautiful...'

'that is really a fantastic idea!'

'for what?'

'for...' he got up and turned on the CD player.

'No, Shaan I am not in a mood, please...'

'Oh come on Kapoor! Don't be a spoil sport! He extended his arm, 'come on, you know this is your favourite song,' he took a step toward her, 'you know you can't resist it, you love dancing...'

'No, I am too busy sulking, and crying and being miserable, to get off my ass and dance.'

Shantanu ran to her and picked her up in his arms, 'no problem, I will do the honours of getting you off your ass!'

'Shantanu Khandelwal put me down!'

'Khanak Kapoor, I will only if you promise you will dance!'

'Fine!' she said laughing.

Shantanu gently put her down on her feet and they both danced like crazy, jumping around the room.

Khanak hugged him as a slow song began; they swayed together, before Khanak finally spoke.

'Thanks Khandelwal, for being here for me.'

'I am here, and always will be...' he whispered to Khanak, as he buried his face in her hair.

'I know Khandelwal, and I love you for this, for everything...' she whispered to him, as she hugged him tighter.

Shantanu felt her breath on his neck, a tingling sensation went up his spine, as he held her tighter, he smiled, as he answered her in his mind- I love you too Khanak, I love you more than life...

He was lost in his thoughts, when Khanak asked him.

'Khandelwal have I ever told you something?'

'what?' he asked, as he looked down at her.

'that you are best.'

'you might have mentioned it a few times.'

'well I actually do mean it this time.'

'so you didn't before?'

'that is for me to know, and you to figure out,' she said with a wink.

'are you flirting with me Kapoor?'

'I might be.'

He smiled, 'well, you know what goes best with flirting ?'

'what?'

'scotch. Want some?'

Khanak smiled, 'pour away Khandelwal!'

They both hugged again, before Shantanu went to his place to get the scotch.

Khanak sat on the sofa and looked at her mother's letter, she picked it up with a smile, 'love you maa.'