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Just like that day, when she held me and took me to that place. That night, where she freed me once, of all those evil clutches of bad past, bad memories - when I became a changed man, a man who was saved by her, a man who can smile again with no fake faces.
She was here again, Her words today. A piece of paper. Her determined voice. Her raging and steely gaze. Just like that day, I saw HER in her today, when she was with me, for me.
I kept looking at her, unable to comprehend what she was on about. I wouldn't believe her? Why? Why she said that? Just like that day, when I called that game childish. So vain of me.
That piece of paper. It was just a piece of paper! Much like when I thought that day "this is just a balloon!"
It was in my hands. My eyes witnessing all that I was, all that I thought he was, through that paper in my hands.
My hands started trembling, old memories washing me over again, it still hurts and ache.
Too stunned to see anything. She made me hear her once again. She got my diary, where I had written all my sufferings, confessed everything in that, she read that!! *Sigh*
What an irony? I wrote down everything on a piece of paper - confession. A piece of paper was the only medium to transform my burden of guilt and remorse to - freedom.
"When you were locked in that room till 7 am, then how could you go out and kill your Abbu at 5 am, Aahil?? How?!"
My head started spinning, I just kept looking at that paper, that news, so many years ago. I didn't know, how to believe, what to believe, although I wanted to believe, maybe because SHE was saying, more than that paper, I wanted to believe her words. I wanted to believe her, I knew I caled her game childish before, but this time, It was a news, a proof of, of..I am not a murderer!
I AM NOT A MURDERER! I DIDN'T KILL MY FATHER! I DIDN'T!! Oh the relief...
I wanted to yell out, I wanted to tell the whole world, I am not a murderer! The same way I was confessing earlier, my crime, The same way I wanted to tell everyone I am not! The time, the place, it was like, it was meant to be!
I didn't know when the guilt and burden in my heart, took the form of tears and my eyes started welling up, as the realisation dawned upon me, as I started to sink in the feeling, of my biggest crime, my biggest fear, my biggest guilt, I cried! I cried it all out today! I cried all my fears, in that moment, I cried as I looked at my Allah up there. "Ya Allahhh!!"
"I didn't kill my Abbu.!" The feeling. The relief. The realisation. The FREEDOM. I felt like I was free!! Once again..By HER.
As I looked back at her, She mirrored my feelings, in her eyes, her tear brimmed eyes. She was feeling the same pain, the hurt, which I was feeling. She was feeling the same freedom of guilt, mirroring mine. Her eyes were my reflection, her eyes were speaking thousand words, which I probably was feeling too!
I couldn't help but held her in my embrace. I held her so close, that I felt like she was the only one I can hold on to right now. I leaned more in her embrace as I turned my head towards her, breathing in her scent, as I cried my heart out holding on to her, "I din't kill my Abbu Sanam, I din't kill my..." I couldn't complete the sentence..as I closed my eyes.
I pulled back and looked at her again, her hands holding mine, my hands holding hers. But.
If I din't kill my father, who kept that gun in my hands. who did that?!!!
"It was all a conspiracy Aahil, you have to find out who did that, To you, your Ammi, who went jail for 20 years. You have to find that murderer Aahil, you have to!"
She was right. She was always right. She always says all the right things. She just freed me from the burden, now she is motivating me too! Sanam! Only she can do that, only she would do that, only she has the right to do that to me!
I looked at her for one last fleeting moment, I didn't thank her, I din't show how grateful I am to her. Yes, I said about her ehsaan. I couldn't thank her enough, even If I keep thanking her for what she did to me, I couldn't tell how free I was feeling today, till I looked at her.
She looked at me, still with those teary eyes. I couldn't help but smile at her, just a little way to express what this meant to me. What SHE means to me.
My Sanam. My savior. For life.
:'))
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Bindi
