Scene opens. Ayaan has bumped into Zoya and she has fallen into his arms.
BG - Mitwaaa... Ghatiyapanti ki haddd nahiii...
Zoya and Ayaan separate immediately, and start dusting off the haldi.
Zoya: Hum pe yeh kisne... Peela rang hai daalaaa...!
Ayaan: Idiocy se Gul ne humein... Maar daala... Allah maar daalaaa...!
Zoya: Ayaan shush! We are not supposed to bash Gul, remember?
Ayaan: Aur nahi toh kya karoon? Logic ki maa- behen karke rakh diya hai usne! Bhabhi ko gharwaali aur gharwaali ko saali bana diya hai!!
Zoya: Oye! Saali bhi aadhi gharwaali hi hoti hai...
Ayaan: Baat toh yeh bhi sahi hai... Thanks Mona!
Zoya: Chup kar be Khajur, Zoo se bhaage hue Langur, abe Sade hue Kele ke Chhilke,
Chuse hue Aam, Circus ke Retired Bander, Saale Chidiya ke ghosle! Apne aap ko kuch zyaada hi oversmart samajhta hai?! Ek kaam bhi toh tujhse theek se hota hai nahi! Khud ko sambhal nahi sakte, chale suicidal gadhi behen ke liye sacrifice karne! Football bankar reh gayi tum dono mahaan bhraataon ke beech mein!
Shireen: Oho! Ayaan, aap football bhi khelte hain? Humein toh kabhi pata hi nahi chala... Sab kismet ki luck hai, ismein kya shaq hai?
Badi Bee: Shireen! Yeh kya kismet ki baat leke baith gayi? Sab muqaddar ka khel hai, aur isiliye toh Zoya iss ghar ki bahu bani hai! Aur muqaddar ke wajah se hi Ayaan Zoya se takraya aur haldi unpe gir gayi! Isi mauke pe dono ki haldi bhi ho gayi!
Zoya: Pata nahi meri kya mati maari gayi thi ki maine aapko bacha liya tha... Lagta hai aapko phir se paralyse karke cupboard ke andar ghusana hoga... Bheja fry kar chuki hai meri already! "Bahu" yeh, "bahu" woh... samajh ke kya rakha apne aap ko budhiya! Daadi kya bol diya toh sar pe chadh ke naagin dance karne lagi! Jaa rahi hoon main!
And Zoya walks off with a huff.
Badi bee: Par Muqaddar ne jo khel khela hai...
Razia: Chup kar Budhiya! Olympics chal raha hai kya jo ye khel- khel ka ratt laga rahi hai? Kab se Muqaddar ka dhindora peete jaa rahi hai! Muqaddar ne tere ko apna spokesperson banaya hai kya? Umar zyada hai to kya Pir baba ban chuki hai ki kab se bhavishyavaani kar rahi hai! Apnne aapko bohot zyada holy samajhti hain! Bataoon sabko teri kaali kartoot! Waise bhi jab se yeh tamasha shuru hua hai tab se leke aaj tak minimum 100 baar hum "Muqaddar" kehke viewers ka kaan pakaa chuke hain!
Badi bee: Tum jo bhi bolo Razzy, muqaddar ke khel ke hi wajah se hi sab ho raha hai. Muqaddar ne hi Zoya aur Ayaan ka nikaah karwaya hai aur muqaddar hi un dono ka suhagraat karwayega!
Shireen : 101, 102, 103, 104, 105, 106...
Razia: Shireen! Yeh kya kar rahi ho?
Shireen: Haaye bhabhi! Aap ko itna bhi samajh mein nahi aaya? Aap hi ne toh abhi kaha ki hum viewers ko 100 baar wohi word suna chuke hain! Isiliye main uske baad ka gin rahi hoon...
Razia: Ginti bhul gayi thi? KG class mein bhej doon phirse tujhe! Tere jungle jaise baalon ke weight se tera brain ka size bhi chhota ho chuka hai, gadhi kahiki!
Badi Bee: Zoya aur Ayaan ka suhagraat... Haayyee!
Razia: Chup kar be horny budhiya! Mujhe pata hai ki tujhe live action dekhna bohot pasand hai. Mujhe aur mere Gaffy ko woh karte huye tune hi dekha tha, mujhe pata hai. Bed ke neeche pata nahi kyun rakh diya tha tujhe! Koi privacy hi nahi rahi! Aur maine tujhe Rashid aur Shireen ke kamre ke darwaze par bhi taaka jhaaki karte huye dekha hai. Wahan tujhe success nahi mila toh ab tu Ayaan aur Zoya ke peeche bhi padh gayi?!
Badi Bee: Kya karoon Raz... Bohot dino se kucch naya nahi dekha hai na, isiliye. Badtameez dil, badtameez dil, maane na!
Shireen: Bhabhi, aapne ammi ko "horny" kyun bulaya? Mujhe toh unke seengh nazar nahi aa rahe hain...
Razia: Sar phod doon teri?! Saas ban chuki hai... abhi bhi paanch saal ke bachhon jaise baat karti hai! Tubelight kahiki!
Badi bee: Par tum jo bhi bolo meri Razia, dushman muqaddar ke khel ke wajah se hum apne muqaddar par shaque karne lage hain... Log mujhe itni gaaliyaan dete hain ki mujhe lagta hain mujhe phir se bed ke neeche sona padega... kitne machhar kaat te hain mujhe... Koi mere liye All Out bhi nahi jalata... Raz tum toh Gaffy ke toing toing 😉 karne mein mashroof rehti ho... koi mere baare mein nahi sochta... haye mera muqaddar... Ayaan ke muqaddar mein ek ghar waali aur ek bhaiwaali aur mere kismat mein sirf machchar??? Woh bhi dengue wale??
Razia: Abey machchar ki chatti aulad chup kar... Tera advertisement municipal corporation ko jaake sunana... shakal dekhi hai apni?? Mera Gaffy jaisa sexy insaan koi resist kar sakta hain?? Sunny Leone bhi uski fan hai... mujhe phone karke uske baare mein poochti hain!
Shireen: Oho bhabhi Sunny Deol ne apna surname change kar liya hain?? Dharam ji ne kuch kaha nahi?? Ajkal ke bachche! Mera Ayaan inn sab maamlo mein bahut achcha hain... like a cute puppy... hayye mera raja beta!!
Meanwhile Humeira enters and hears the conversation.
Humeira: Abey chidiya ke ghosle ki melodramatic maa! Chup kar nautanki! Apne aulad ko cute mat bol! Woh cute nahii bhoot hain. Jab shave nahi kiya hota hain aur baal leke mujhe peeche se pakad ta hain mujhe lagta hain main 1970's ki koi horror movie 3D main dekh rahi hoon... Haaye Raam!!! *in Rajni style*
Shirin-all: Oho beta... Sab kismat ki luck hain issmein kya shaque hain? Apko aisa nahi bolna chahiye... Horror movie main bhi toh comedy hota hain... hain na?? Maine dekha ek horror movie... pata hain kya?? "Jab devar bhi kabhi kutta bana..." Ya Allah darr gayyi thi main!!
All (in chorus): Abey woh movie nahi reality hain behuda aurat! Saali andhi kahiki!!
Meanwhile, Nikhat goes into depression mode. Again.
Nikhat: No matter how stupid it seems mujhe phir se feeling aa rahi hai...
Humeira: Kya feeling aa rahi hai baaji?
Nikhat: Haath kaatne ki feeling... phir se...
Humeira: Don't you dare Nikhat baaji! Don't you dare try to win this game! We are at a tie, remember?
Nikhat: Par mujhe jeetna hai Humeira! Aur mujhe abhi phir se feeling aa raha hai, main jeet ke rahungi!
Nuzhat: Um... baaji? Yeh aap dono kaunsi game ki baat kar rahi ho? Kuchh samjhi nahi...
Humeira: Haath kaatne ki game Nuzhat! Baaji aur main 1-1 par hain! Agar woh phir se haath kaatengi toh woh jeet jayengi!!!
Nikhat: Nuzhat blade do jaldi! I have to win!
Nuzhat: Aap pagal ho gaye ho kya?! Ek drop B positive khoon ki keemat, aap kya jaano Nikhat baaji!
Nikhat: Par mera blood group toh B negative hai na?
Nuzhat: Oops! Main toh bhool gayi thi! Woh toh mera group hai...
Nikhat: Nahi, tumhara B talkative hai... abhi mujhe bas jeetna hai toh jeetna hai!
Humeira: Baaji, yehi teri dosti, yehi tera pyaar, beech mein aa gaya challenge ka deewar?
Nikhat: Theek hai behna! Nahi kaatungi, chal galey milte hain...
And they hug. The best sismance hug ever.
Scene shifts to Haseena Bee's house:
Asad and Dilshad have reached, as usual with a huge bunch of gifts.
Haseena: Taufa taufa taufa taufa!
Asad: Laya laya laya laya!
Haseena: Haaye in sab ki kya zarurat thi? Aap sabne aane ki taqleef kyun ki? Bas taufe hi bhej dete!
Asad: Kya karein Haseena bee, jab se meri behen intelligent graduate se TV serial ki bahu bani hai tab se uske liye mujhe kya kuchh nahi karna pada hai... Ab teri khatirdaari bhi sehna padega. Warna mera bas chalta toh main tujhe Zoo ke rare species section mein daal deta aur signboard lagata "Here lives the hybrid cross between a buffalo, elephant and a bee", all- in- one kahinki!
Haseena starts hogging over the gifts and takes out a metal box.
Haseena: Hawww!! Pehli baar chaandi ka tha! Isbaar zarur sone ka hoga, nahi?
Dilshad: Ha haan! Uske baad wala heere ka hoga, phir platinum ka... mere bete ko Kuber samajh ke rakha hai kya?! Bhains kahinki! Sirf khaati hai aur gifts leti rehti hai, laalchi besharam aurat! Mere bete ke jaga main hoti toh pata hai tujhe kya deti?
Haseena(excited): Kya? Kya??
Dilshad: Baba jee ka Thullu!!!
Haseena: Uh... Main chai naashta laati hoon!
Dilshad: Rehne de... Tu agar chai banyegi to kya pata, teen baar use kiye hue chai patti se na bana dein? Kanjoos makhichoos! Najma, tum le aao.
Najma: Ammi... chabbi?
Asad: Haila! Chaabi kis liye?
Najma: Woh... actually...
Asad: Ey! Kuch dinon se maine apna copyrighted dialogue use nahi kiya toh iska matlab ye nahi ki tu usey chura le, samjhi! Pata nahi tujhe ho kya gaya hai... jabse tujhko loveria hua hai tab se meri zindagi ki band baji hui hai! Pata nahi tu apne zubaan kahan phenk kar aayi hai! Iske liye itna padhaya likhaya tha tujhe? Aankhon se Ganga- Jamuna nikalne ke liye aur permanently dumb hone ke liye?! Naak katwa di tune meri!
Najma: Bhaijaan agar main nikaah karke us ghar se nahi nikalti toh aap mere liye rishta dhoondte... Agar koi mujhe dekhne aata aur aapko pasand karke le jaata toh! Waise bhi jab se aap ne Shakuntala aur Rapunzel se inspiration liye hai tab se aap bhi aurat se kam nahi lagte ho!
Asad: Uh... Baat mat ghuma! Yeh baat chaabi kis liye? Yeh bhains saari cheezein almaari mein band karke chaabi lagake rakhti hai kya? (To Haseena) Kyun theek kaha na maine?
Haseena: Sab kuchh... ek almaari mein bandh ho... aur chaabi kho jaye...
Asad: Abey o Saand ki chatti aulaad! Tu toh pehli hi gala phaad phaad ke chillake dimaag kharab kar chuki hai! Ab kya gaana gana bhi start kar diya hai! Chup kar! Jaa ke chai le aa! Thoda kaam kar legi toh teri wazan kam nahi ho jayegi! Lagta toh hai ki meri behen jabse yahan aayi tab se tu ne ek glass paani bhi khud se nahi piya hoga!
Haseena: Laati hoon...
Haseena brings tea and Dilshad drinks it.
Dilshad: Cheeni kam hai, cheeni kam ha thodi thodi tujh mein kam, kam kam...
Haseena: Dhire dhire haule haule dur dur hogee problem, Humdum o humdum...Ayaan: Oh! Toh ab Ayaan beta?! Besharam aurat! Raasta chhod! Pura entrance block karke rakh diya hai! Humare peeche line pad gayi hai logon ki! Andar aane de!
Haseena: Haan haan!
Ayaan and Zoya enter, and they both notice Asad standing at the corner. Ayaan and Asad have an eye lock.
BG- Mitwaaa... Bromance pe zor naahiii...
Some pigeons fly in out of somewhere and one sits on Asad's head while two sit on Ayaan's head.
Zoya (to herself): Haiinnn? Ab yeh kya ho gaya? Eye-lock toh mera aur Jahapanah ka hone wala tha! Beech mein yeh bromance kaahe ko shuru ho gaya?! Aur ye kabuttar kahan se aa gaye?! Samajh aaya. Kitne dinon se dono bhai ko kehbrahi hoon ki baal kaat ljiye, par nahi! Ab bhukto! Ab pigeons mein bhi status difference create kar diye inhone! Ek ko mere Jahapanah ke shampooed and conditioned smooth ghosla pasand aa gaya aur baaki do ko Ayaan ka jungle ghosla bha gaya! Allah Miyan! Kahin yeh dono bhai mere peet peeche in kabuttaron se chitthiyan bhejke communicate toh nahi karte! Abhi batati hoon inhe! (to Ayaan) Ey Raabert! Hatt yahan se! Kitne din ho gaye maine apne Majnu Ahmed Khan ko nahi dekha! Ja yahan se aur humein apna Mitwa moment share karne de! Kitne din ho gaye humne viewers ko koi romance nahi dikhaya! Bechaare kitne depressed ho gaye hain aur humein gaali bhi de rahe hain!
Zoya pushes Ayaan away and shares an eye lock with Asad.
BG - Mitwaaa... Ishq pe zor naaahhiii... *banshee-like female version*
But Asad's phone starts ringing and the eye sex is interrupted. Guess who was calling...
Asad: Saali Billi! Ek minute bhi chain se jeene nahi deti! Kitni mushkil se isse apne zindagi se BPL maarke nikaala tha! Kameeni phir se peeche pad gayi!
Zoya gets irritated and goes away while Asad runs to a corner and takes the call.
Asad: Bol, ab kaunsa naya tareeqa nikala hai mujhe blackmail karne ka?
Tanveer: Aree re re Jammy! Ap phir se gussa ho gaye? Waise aap jab gussa hote ho na to Mashallah, kya lagte ho!
Asad: Tune phir se mereko Jammy bola! Paaltu kutta samajh ke rakha hai? Ek aankh wali billi kahinki! Third grade horror film ki chudail! Lens utaarti hai to female Cyclops lagti hai! Chali hai mujhse flirt karne?! Chehra dekha nahi apni?! Chehra chhod daant dekhe hain apne?! Lagta hai jaise ek hafte se brush nahi kiya!
Tanveer: Jammy galat baat! Ek hafta nahi Jammy, sirf paanch din huye hai brush nahi kiya! Humaari nikaah hone baad aapko bhi aadat ho jayegi Jammy...
Asad: Baukhla gayi hai kya Billi?! Main nikaah karoon... woh bhi tujhse?! Tera toh dimaag kharab hai hi... mujhe bhi pagal samajh ke rakha hai? Kapde ki dukaan mooh bandh rakh apni samjhi!
Tanveer: Chhodiye na woh sab... Waise aaj aapki Zoya bhabhi badi khoobsurat lag rahi hai. Yeh libaaz unhe bada suit karta hai!
Asad: Woh toh hai... Ey! Ek minute, tereko kaise maalum pada re? Ey! Saali psycho tune mujhe yahan tak bhi follow kiya?! Ek second bhi mujhe chain se rehne dene mein tujhe taqleef hoti hai kya? Sab jagah pohunch jaati hai! Aur bhabhi kisko bulati hai?! Zoya bhabhi hogi teri! Aur tu na, mujhe ab se phone bhi mat kiya kar... jab bhi tu baat karti hai peeche se 100-200 billiyan meow- meow karti rehti hai!
Tanveer: Mere BG score ke baare mein kuch nahi kehna samjhe! Meri bafadaar billiyan mujhe iss TV serial world ki sabse unique vamp BG deti hain! Aur rahi baat ki main kahan hoon, Jammy aap toh mere bachpan ke dost reh chuke hain! Apko nahi pata, ki mujhe Apparition aata hai! Main jab chahe jahan chahe ek chutki bajaye pohonch jaati hoon! Saare important conversations kisi ko sunai de ya na de, mujhe sunai deti hain! Aur agar mujhe Apparition nahi bhi aati toh koi problem nahi hoti kyunki Khan Villa aur Sidddiqui mansion mein security guards nahi hain! Aur agar wahan nahi hongi toh kya iss kanjoos ke ghar pe hongi?! Dhoondna hai mujhe toh dhoond lijiye... Oh haan, maine aapke Zoya ke bag mein ek pyaara sa zehrila se bichhoo rakh diya hai. Usey bata dijiyega.
Tanveer cuts the call and gets up from amongst the veiled singing women and hides behind a pillar while Asad tries to look for Zoya. Haseena notices her leaving and catches her from behind.
Haseena (screeching): Kahan bhaag rahi hai?! 25-paise per ghanta ka rate fix huya tha! Us hisaab se 4 ghante ke gaane ke fees 1 rupiya hota hai! Tere 2 ghante ab bhi baaki hain! Main fokat mein 50-paise nahi luta sakti!
Tanveer: Chup kar chidiyaghar se bhaagi hui pagal haathi! Bhaad mein gaye tere 50-paise! Chullu bhar paani mein jaake doob marr! 10 crore kanjoos marte hain toh tujh jaise ek paida hoti hai! Pata nahi tu Imran ki ma kaise ban gayi... wahan woh mujhpe paise lutata hai aur tu!
Haseena: Mera beta bada accha hai! Apni ammi ki sab baat manta hai! Uske baare mein ulta seedha mat bol!
Tanveer: Haan isiliye toh woh spinally challenged hai...
Tanveer walks off, leaving a confused open- mouthed Haseena behind. Meanwhile, Chaand bi comes.
Chaand bi: Yeh kya baaji, muh khule kyun khade ho? Makkhi ghus gayi toh!
Haseena: Makhhi! Yum yum! Main toh makhhi khaati hoon! Sab ko lagta hai ki mujh mein sirf bee, haathi aur bhains hai... par unhe yeh nahi pata ki mujh mein mendhak bhi hai!
Chaand bi: Arre baaji yeh toh sirf mujhe pata hai! Kisi aur ko nahi! Main aaj ke function mein jitni bhi makhiyan aayi hain unhe jar mein pakad ke rakhoongi aap baad mein khaa lijiyega! Theek hai?
Haseena: Tumhare bina mein kya karti Chaand!
Chaand bi goes away with a satisfied smile on her face. In the meantime, Asad spots Zoya and runs upto her pulls her purse off and engulfs her in a hug.
BG- Mitwaaa... Ishq pe zor Naahiii...
Zoya is shocked first but then hugs Asad back and both are having a mental orgasm...
BG- Mitwaaa... Hornyness pe zor Naahiii...
YA ALLAH! YE KYA HO RAHA HAI!
Asad and Zoya's romance is interrupted by the horrible scream. Courtesy Haseena.
Asad: Chup kar nautanki ki dukaan! Ek toh Gul mujhe aur Zoya ko ek hone nahi deti, to suhagraat manana dur ki baat hai... aur jab mushkil se ek achha wala hug mil gaya toh humara mental suhagraat rokne ke liye Billi ya Bhains ko bhej deti hai! Bohot badi na insaafi hai yeh!
Zoya: Jab tum dono bhai ka intense passionate hug hota hai tab toh hoi bhains ya billi interrupt karne nahi aati, jab hum dono ki aati hai tab kyun?! Main apne blog pe likhungi! Main Human Rights ke paas jaungi!
Haseena: Yeh kya behudgi hai! Yeh sab kya ho raha hai!
Asad: Chup kar! Ek lagaunga kaan ke neechey! Itna gaali de raha hoon tujhe tab se phir bhi sharam nahi aati! Achha khaasa moment kharab kar diya chillakey! Koi behudgi nahi hai! Behuda tu aur tere do bete hain! Main kitne pyaar se gale laga raha tha apni Zoya ko...
Zoya: Haan! Kyun re... tere life mein romance nahi raha toh mere life ki bachi- kuchi romance ke peeche kahe ko pad gayi?!
Asad: Waise bhi Zoya ke bag mein bichhoo tha, isiliye maine aisa kiya!
Haseena picks up the purse but doesn't find anything in it.
Haseena: Kuchh nahi hai ismein!
Asad: Bichhoo tujhse darr ke bhaag gayi hogi! Agar hoti aur tujhe kaat leti toh mazaa aajata!
Zoya: Arre yeh toh haathi hain! Inhe bichhoo kaatega toh inhe sirf gudgudi hi lagegi... koi feeling nahi aayega!
Asad: Baat toh yeh bhi sahi hai...
Haseena: Ayaan Zoya aap sab ko taufe baant do...
Asad: Phir se taufe?! Saali tu baaz nahi aayegi na?! Laalchi kahiki!
Ayaan and Zoya give out the gifts.
Haseena: Zoya beta apne Jeth ko shawl do!
Zoya: Chup kar! Jeth honge woh kisi aur ke! Mere toh Majnu hain... ek aur baar unhe mera jeth kaha na toh daant tod doongi tere! Phir daant bahar nikaal ke khi khi karti rehna! Over- dramatic kahiki! Aur shawl doon?! Budhe buzurg hain woh mere jo main shawl doon?! Behuda aurat aisi baat tune sochi bhi kaise?! Kas ke chamaat lagaun tujhe?! Chal tu bahar, Delhi le jaakar Qutb Minar se neeche phenkungi tujhe!
And the episode comes to an end with Bhaiseena's shocked face... 🤣
_________________________________
*Ducks from a few rotten tomatoes* So! Nikaal di maine apne dil ki saari bhadaas!!! 🤣
Naan-sense hai, pehle hi warn kiya tha maine sab ko... 🤣
So if you still like this piece of crap that my brain has given out, and if I have been able to make anyone laugh, if at all, kindly let me know... Please!! 😃
Thoda toh pyaar barsa do yaar... and pyaar means Likes and Comments 😆
Silent Readers - plleeejjj break your precious golden silence!!! Pleaajjj!! Silence is golden but appreciating people is platinum... Trust me 😆
Oh yes, A very happy Navratri to all celebrating!! Subho Maha Navamir onek Subhechha o bhalobasha!! 🤗
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