"Zoya's mother died in a fire, and Zoya was a witness to this. Those flames have long ago been extinguished... but the heat from those flames and their burns haunt my Zoya to this day. Now they're only nightmares, which come only when she sees fire. She doesn't remember anything about that horrible ordeal. But still, her nights are haunted by her fear. And as a result she's terrified of fire."
Aapi's words echoed in his ears. He felt his hands turn into fists. His heart felt like a giant anvil was sitting on it, cutting off his circulation. He had hurt her. Again. And this time, with the one thing that was the very reason for her suffering. His eyes brimmed with unshed tears. Tears of guilt, for hurting her again. Tears of pain: her pain, which he felt as if it was his own. But that's how it is when you love someone, isn't it? Their scars become your scars. Their pain becomes yours, and you shed their tears. You would rather die a million times over, than see them in the slightest bit of pain. And finally, tears of anger. At himself.
His pain was doubled, as he was currently the cause for the pain in which he couldn't see her going through. He didn't trust her. Hell! He didn't even give her a chance to explain herself. How... how could he forget that she was afraid of fire... Their conversation in the garden that night and how she had opened up to him, with something that she had never shared with anyone else, flashed before his eyes. He had not only forgotten that, but also added salt to her already open wounds.
Ya Allah, mein kab sikhunga?, Asad cursed himself. He wanted to crawl in a hole and have the world swallow him whole. He wanted to get down on his knees and beg for her forgiveness. To do whatever it would take for her to say she forgave him, for her to break into a her nonsensical shayari, for her to flash him with her beautiful dimpled smile, while repeating her trademark line.
He stood in the middle of the hallway linking their two rooms together, for what seemed like eons. His gaze slowly turned to face her room. He looked down at his shoes, and lifted his gaze again. He closed his eyes, as he worked up the courage to face her, and slowly took few steps toward Zoya's room. He lightly knocked on her door, but noticed it wasn't completely shut. Giving it a gentle push, he opened the door to find a sleeping Zoya.
He slowly made his way to her side, his thoughts of what she must have felt driving him insane. When he reached her feet, he saw that she was deep in slumber, breathing evenly, with one arm extended beyond the bed's edge. He took one long stride, and knelt down, now right at her waist. He watched her intently, and noticed a few stray hairs on her face. He hesitantly lifted his arm up to move them, but decided to let his emotions take over. Slowly he pushed her fringes behind her ear, and gently caressed her cheek with his thumb, trying to make the tear stains on it disappear. He noticed her lips curve into the faintest smile, and slowly withdrew his hand, not once taking his eyes off her smiling lips.
"I'm sorry, Zoya," managed Asad. His unshed tears threatened to spill out as he poured his heart out to her. "I'm so sorry. What... what's wrong with me? Why do I... keep hurting you? How can I... How can I feel so much for you.. and still hurt you? I'm sorry, Zoya... I'm so sorry."
As he said these words, he noticed the smile on her face fade, and her brows furrow. Suddenly, she started stirring and her dangling hand grabbed on to his arm. Asad was startled by her sudden movements. She held on to him as if her life depended on it.
"Asad!" Zoya screamed. Asad froze upon hearing his name from her lips. She's dreaming about me??
"Asad! Aag! Asad! Please... don't go in the fire! Please! Someone help! Aag! Fire!" continued a crying and sweating Zoya.
Asad's heart broke into more pieces, if that was even possible. He immediately rose just enough to sit on the bed next to her, facing her clouded wallpaper. He let his arm hang limply, as she continued to tighten her grip on it. Asad's tears, which he'd been controlling, were now streaming effortlessly down his chiseled cheeks. He couldn't stand to see her in pain. Why is she imagining me in a fire... Oh no... Zoya... that's why you didn't move... you thought I would get hurt...
His heart swelled for a millisecond as it dawned on him that she was afraid for him, when she'd frozen at the sight of fire the night before. But that swelling was immediately replaced with pain and concern, as he tried to figure out how to calm her down. She has to wake up. That worked in the past. She woke up and didn't have the nightmare the rest of the night.
Asad scanned her room and his eyes landed on her bedside table. He spotted the jug of water and with his free reached for it to pour some water into the glass next to it. Zoya's grip on his other arm tightening, he had to stretch quite a bit, but somehow managed. He took the glass and transferred it to the hand that Zoya had in her grip. With his free hand, he dipped his fingers into the glass and slowly sprinkled droplets of water onto her face.
She winced but wouldn't wake. Zoya continued to stir and her grip on Asad's arm became so strong, that her nails started to dig into his skin. There's no use. She's too frightened to even open her eyes. Realizing this, he felt his heart constrict with even more guilt. He tried to free his arm from her grip so he could move beside her, but she wouldn't relent.
"Ammi! Asad! Aag! Bachao! Koi bachao! Aag!" Zoya continued her screaming. "Allah miya pehle ammi ab Asad! Nahin, unne bachao!" Asad's tears resurfaced, but he let them flow freely. He cried for her, for her agony, her fear and her strength. As his tears fell on her hands, she loosened her grip a little, and Asad took the opening. He withdrew his arm from her hands, stood up and quickly made his way to the other side of her bed.
He sat on the bed, his back to the headboard, and cradled her in his arms. She immediately radiated to the warmth and familiarity of his chest and his strong arms, and threw one arm around his waist, while the other found his fingers. Asad entwined their fingers together, and with his other hand, held her face protectively, caressing her tears away, breaking a little more inside with each and every one of the Zoya's shrieks and sobs.
"Shhh. Zoya mein yahan hoon. Mujhe kuch nahin hua, tum fikar mat karo. Mein bilkul theek hoon. Shaant ho jao. Tumhare Asad ko kuch nahin hua... shhh..." he whispered to her, hoping this would calm her down a little. He wasn't sure she could hear him, but something in heart told him that she might.
And he was right. Zoya slowly calmed down. "Asad... please don't leave me... everyone I love leaves me... Please! Not you too! I... I can't lose you too!" Her pleas continued, as her voice dropped to a whimper, then a whisper and soon she went back to sleep peacefully, snuggling up to him. She burried herself into his chest as her breathing evened.
Asad's ears were ringing with Zoya's words.
"Everyone I love leaves me... Please! Not you too!"
She, she loves me. His eyes glistened with fresh tears, as he realized that this pure hearted beauty actually felt the same way about him, as he did about her. She loves him. Him. The man who had inadvertently hurt her so many times. She was afraid of losing him. Just as he was afraid of losing her. Of hurting her. Never in his wildest dreams did he imagine that pushing her away would hurt her the way he was afraid to hurt her. He thought it was his taunts that hurt her, his words. But no. She was afraid he wanted her out of his life.
"Zoya... Mein tumhe kaise samjhao, kaise bataoon, ki mein tumse...", he hesitated. Come on, Asad, he told himself. You can't even tell her when she's asleep? He sighed. "Mein tumse... be imtehaan mohabbat karta hoon... I... I love you. I was only trying to protect you. I'm sorry, Zoya. I'm so sorry. I will never leave you. I promise. Tumhara Asad tumhe chorkar kahin nahin jayega. Kabhi nahi."
He looked down at Zoya's face and felt his heart swell a hundred times over, as a peaceful and serene smile graced her lips. As if she heard his words and was content with his promise. He tightened his embrace on her, and she responded by doing the same. Before he knew it, he began to fall asleep with her in his arms.
Two spectators to this heart wrenching scene, were smiling, their eyes moist with tears of happiness. From then on there would be no questions. Asad would tell her his feelings that next morning, and their wedding will happen. For real.
THE END
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