OS : naughty night.:p

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diya

@Fun_Reloading

Sparkler

+ 5

Posted: 12 years ago

#11

Originally posted by: akap
Very nice..beautifully written.

awww thanks alot...😳

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diya

@Fun_Reloading

Sparkler

+ 5

Posted: 12 years ago

#12

Originally posted by: aniiee
Awesme! Made my day😃

thanks dear... I m glad that u liked it😳

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friendsall

@friendsall

Voyager

+ 2

Posted: 12 years ago

#13

Nice one!!

Pl continue! loved asya talks

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diya

@Fun_Reloading

Sparkler

+ 5

Posted: 12 years ago

#14

Originally posted by: Gudduluvs
Nice..cute one..

thanksss...😳

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diya

@Fun_Reloading

Sparkler

+ 5

Posted: 12 years ago

#15

Originally posted by: stellababes
Good one !

thanksss...😊

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diya

@Fun_Reloading

Sparkler

+ 5

Posted: 12 years ago

#16

Originally posted by: crazy4KASH_AR

Diya
This OS was awesome.
I liked the way Zoe confessed her love to Asad on the wedding night.
Mr. Khan is simply hopeless.😆
You write very well dear
Keep up the good work!!
I loved this OS to the core.

awww thanks alot dear🤗 you loved my os and i loved your commnet... Sure i will pm you my QH works...thanks again😳

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diya

@Fun_Reloading

Sparkler

+ 5

Posted: 12 years ago

#17

Originally posted by: princeegoyal
hey diya...tht ws really nice., wanna read more...so ...pls continue...& do Pm ...

pari

awww thanks... Pari sure i will send you my works...😳

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-.-Mariam-.-

@-.-Mariam-.-

Voyager

Posted: 12 years ago

#18

Awesome OS.

PM me if u continue.

Mariam..

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Laila Banu

@Laila2009

Rocker

+ 3

Posted: 12 years ago

#19

Good first attempt...here are some suggestions...

When presenting dialogue, leave a space after each dialogue and be clear as to WHO is doing the talking. It was very confusing in areas. Also if you are going to do dialogue only...then you can do what some people do

Asad: Aap ne...

Asad then grabbed Zoya and kissed her...

Zoya (flustered): Mr Khan, yeh app kiya kare hain

This way the reader has an easier time following your story.

Content: Always keep in character - you did a good job here to a degree. Bheegi is one of my favorite writers because she always keeps in character and this adds to the richness of your story.

Also, don't rush the ending. Too many writers rush the ending...they rush to have Zoya and Asad say "I love you' and 'kiss' - we've had an endless number of stories with this ending. You do not have to offer us x-rated suhaag raat scenes but give us their feelings at learning how the other feels.

I also found it strange to see Zoya hug Asad back afterwards - it seemed very out of character. if she was going to seduce Asad - a few flirty jokes would be enough...I could not picture her hugging him - it is just did not fit with he personality.

BTW way do not forget we have a OS competition with the TKF - we have this on sticky on the front page - do check into it.