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When someone asks you: what was the worst moment of your life, you might have to think for a while, but for me right now is the worst moment of my life. I do not know what words exist to express the agony and heartache I feel right now; but if darkness had enveloped my life and all the purpose sucked out of me - this time would come close.
I stared out of the airport window into a dark and lifeless night. In a few painfully long hours a British Airways plane would take me to London. From there, a connector flight would transport me back to New York. Then, a short car ride and an hour later, back to the life I had left several months ago. I tried my hardest to think of all the good things that I could look forward to - my room, my friends, a job, but it was pointless as nothing could console me or seemed even the remote bit inviting. I had cried for several hours since leaving his house - his life. I had shed enough tears to flood the Sahara Desert. My heart felt heavy; I sighed and fought to hold back tears trying not to sob anymore. I tried multiple times to pull myself together, to be strong, but I could not fathom the courage or the gumption to do it. I was broken and I wondered if I would ever be complete again - would I ever be able to bear even a close resemblance to my former self?
Mr. B - that's what I came to call him - had gone to get me something to eat; I had not eaten for several hours and he feared that in my condition, I'd pass out and he wouldn't be able to deport me and make his 76th deportation. He definitely held me responsible for trying to deceive him and he had given me quite a mouthful of all the multiple laws I had broken. Surprisingly though, he was not a cruel man and wanted to do his best to make sure that I at least left the country with a full stomach - as for my soul; that was too big a challenge for him - or anyone else for that matter.
I sat, wondering, what I could do to fix my mistakes. I had a list of "If I had only done this" and "If I had only thought" but it was useless. A sense of hopelessness rose in my gut and a renewed feeling of despair took over me. I slumped down in the chair. I looked a mess; my make up was smudged - so much for waterproof mascara. I felt and looked miserable. I bore no resemblance to my cheerful passport photograph that I wondered if the airport authorities would question my identity.
"Here, have some samosas and chai," said Mr. B. holding out a piping cup of tea and two, rather surprisingly fresh and tasty looking, samosas. I was not hungry; however, but I didn't want to disappoint him and graciously took them. He sat on the chair on the other side of the table in the airport lounge; he gestured for my permission before he took a seat. I responded with a nod. I was not in the mood for company but I was also very lonely.
"Miss Farooqui, I am very sorry this had to happen, but I am a man of principal and ethics and there are laws. You and Mr. Khan are very fortunate you did not get arrested for trying to deceive me."
I didn't need another lecture, and I didn't need him to scold me. I had had enough of it for the day.
"Are you OK?" I sensed concern in his voice - a pleasant surprise considering his sternness and pride as the local illegal immigrant catcher.
"I'll be fine." I mumbled; it was hard to talk. I could feel the tears coming again and the lump in the back of my throat, which I tried to soothe with the hot tea.
"I put milk and sugar in it for you - I hope that's how you like it"
And I thought of the times when "he" gave me coffee with milk and sugar and I burst out howling like a baby scaring Mr. B. "I am sorry -I didn't mean - I" he panicked and quickly handed me several tissues.
"It's OK," I wept, I started shaking and huge drops of tears trickled down my face as Mr. B frantically searched his pockets for more tissues fearing he had just handed me his last collection and would have to witness me use the back of my sleeve once again. Not a pretty sight when your nose is running.
"Miss Farooqui," he whispered, trying to sound consoling, "I know I told you that you couldn't come back into the country, well, maybe I could look into your case..."
"I don't need to come back to "this" country" anymore," I gulped. "I have nothing to come back too." And with that I howled even more. Poor Mr. B.; he didn't know what to do.
Mr. B looked at me; I could tell he desperately wanted to tell me something but he was at a loss. So I asked him.
"Yes," he nodded. "I have done this job for many years; I have seen many people try to fake falling in love, but I know deep inside, Mr. Khan has feelings for you, and you Miss Farooqui, have feelings for him."
"Yes, Mr. B." I laughed. "O, Mr. Khan has a lot of feelings for me. He feels I am an interfering busybody who has no respect for him or his family. He calls me a misfit, an embarrassment. You know what he thinks of me? Someone who cannot be decent enough to be someone's wife or daughter-in-law; I am musebaat, a nuisance. I have no tameez, or class. I wear jeans; I don't even have a family; which self-respecting man would ever want me?" I wiped the tears from my eyes as I realized that no matter how much education I had; no matter how much I tried to do what was right in life, no matter what I did, I would never be good enough for Mr. Khan. I could never be like his "Tanveer."
"O, I don't think Mr. Khan feels that way about you at all," he said shaking his head.
"O really?"
"Yes, really."
"How do you know that?"
"Simple; ask yourself this, which man remembers in such detail what a woman is wearing the first time he sees her or how she behaves? He remembered you wore a black stole; that you were nervous and tearful. He remembered everything about you that day and he said it in such a warm and tender way. I felt I was there watching you through his eyes."
I thought about that moment; I was stunned. He remembered me from the Daargah. That was the first time he had seen me and he described the moment in such detail - he had been watching me! I wondered what he had been thinking at the time. Would he ever know what I was thinking, what I was praying for that time? O, Mr. Khan, if only you knew; I had prayed so much for a family, for a home, for a husband whom I could call my own. I prayed for someone who would love me and want me, shower me with love and affection, and I thought for a moment this week I had it all. I was an idiot; I had it all and it just slipped through my fingers because of a stupid mistake. I made a stupid decision.
Why did I even think of going to the engagement? I was wrong to have tried to force Mr. Khan to go against his own rules. I had not meant any harm and wanted so much for both the brothers to be together on such an important date, but how could I have forgotten how much his mother also meant to him. I hurt him and Poophi - and she tried so hard to convince Mr. Khan of my intentions, but he paid no attention to her. He was furious; if he had his way, he would have buried me alive just like at Mangalpur, but this time, he would have done the ugly deed and left me there for eternity and made sure no-one ever found me.
How could I ask forgiveness from him or the family? I could not even forgive myself. O, and that horrible Razia woman who slapped me across the face; why? How could she say those mean and nasty things about Poophi? And her accusations that the mitaai was tampered with and that she, Poophi, sent them on purpose to ruin the marriage and I was the messenger? What I don't understand is how did Mr. Khan ever find out what had happened; who called him? Razia, Ayaan? Who? How did he know what had happened before I even made it home - home -that's a joke - that's not my home. It never was my home. And more importantly, why did Humeira faint from eating the mitaai? I didn't even have time to check them or the go back to the store.
"Stop it Zoya, stop thinking about the past." I told myself. I was making myself upset thinking about all these incidents and it simply upset me further to know that none of this would have even happened had I respected Mr. Khan's wishes.
"Mr. B; I don't know what else to say to you, but Mr. Khan, he doesn't like me. He never did. He asked me to leave his house many times before and I don't think he wanted me to stay - for real. I think he just tolerated me. Perhaps he thought I was pretty but so what if he did; he never liked me as a person."
No, I don't think Mr. Khan ever did like me as a person. I thought of the bitter and heartless comments he made to me before I left: That he would never think of getting engaged to someone like me; that I could never be good enough to be the daughter-in-law of his house or anyone's house for that matter. That I was not fit enough to be anyone's wife. I was an insult to him, to his family and most of all, his mother. He called me arrogant; disrespectful. Yes, I had no family and it showed in my character and that without a proper upbringing I could not fit into his family. He tried to soothe his harsh words by adding that it was not my fault that I was so poorly behaved and did not have any tazeeb or tameez - after all what could they teach me at the orphanage. And he didn't want to blame my Appie or Jiju but they really needed to face the fact that their "Zoya" needed to improve her character before they tried to embark on finding her another rishta.
A blanket of defeat and exhaustion took over me and I simply could not fathom another tear to ease my sorrow. Anguished at the pain I had caused the Khan family for my thoughtless actions and the need to apologize to them once more overwhelmed me but what could I say to them. I had insulted and invited insults to the very family whom I had wanted to call my own. I was so at fault that knowing what I had done tortured my very essence. I desperately wanted to make amends but I couldn't even do that. Look at me; I even amaze myself! Despite all the hurt Mr. Khan had given me, here I was once again more worried about what the wrong I had done them.
"Mr. B." I said, my voice, barely audible. "Thank you for the chai and samosa" I had eaten them without really paying attention to the taste. Fatigue had overcome me and I wanted to sleep; would I sleep? Could I sleep? I didn't know. What I did know was I would never see him again. Ever. I shuddered at the thought and wrapped my arms around me; trying to hug myself. It was the way I had learned to console myself in the orphanage for many years. Appie's mother didn't show up until I was 10 years old. They had done so much for me that I was indebted to her for her kindness, but despite all her warmth and love and desperate efforts to spend time with me she too had passed away. I had no real family left and I could not remain a burden on Appie and Jiju forever; they too needed to live their lives. My quest to find a family had reached a dead-end. My journey had taught me that I was to be alone. My biological parents were dead; I had no siblings and no man to love me. My eyelids felt heavy; my body weary and my soul, wounded. I opened my music box and tried to soothe myself to sleep. Humeira had the same music box - she was so lucky to have a father who cared for her so much. And before I knew it, I had drifted to sleep.