Posted:
Mom,
Is this how i am special? lying unconcsious between the battle of a world unknown and unexplained. A world i was dragged in but had no right to claim, had no right to understand. It's as if i have no rights at all anymore, not even over myself, .... sometimes i wish he had never saved me the very first time....i could be with you by now. Our world have never given you or me any rights anyways....it took you away, and i was left, forcing the world to let me hang on, to let me hope, to let me smile....maybe there is a brighter future i used to think.
I came here in hope of that future. Little did i know how i would be surprised by the power of nature planning me a future i could never expect. A nature i didnt know abt actually. He is a Vampire,mom....No, i'm serious.
But that doesnt matter, we are bounded,connected from the very first day...maybe even before. I tried getting close to him. He refused. And well we ended up here....he had to almost end me to save me. We are both in pain and confusion. Sometimes to a level which makes me wish he had let that truck just hit me. If we cant be together, if we cant be close, but yet always in thaughts, always in regret, always in desire, always in danger cause of this connection which neaither would give me any future nor him any peace, nor us any 'us'....whats there to live for?.....I just wish he would talk to me....things would be so much easier, if not for me , but for him. For how long are these confusions going to make me end up in situations i easily could have prevented if he only talked. How can i be safe and live on when i know nothing of what i'll be facing? more importantly....How can i be safe without him? and i dont mean safe of danger....but a safe heart....a heart that beats so loud as if the whole world could hear,whenever he is close. I need him mom,.....and only him, not the face he tries to feed me with....it doesnt matter how his humiliations where for my safety....it doesnt matter if i knew they were just empty words....its still hurts....it matters...cause He matters.
So i am lying here...after a game of hide and seek, caught in the battle of this still unknown world. He warned me, but in a wrong way making me feel like a property copyrigted to him to just have in a corner, and well thats not me, so i cared less, why would i care when i even cant have him? why would i care when my involvment was for what i thaught, the sake of a good deed? I care for people, I care for their problems...no matter how risky it might get, thats just how i am, he should have known that...he should have warned me right.
So i am lying here almost lifeless, unconcsious, bitten. You know the irony mom?...its all for my safety,lol . I am not a self-pity soul, you know that.....still, cant help but feel sorry for myself in this moment....fighting for my life,locked in the waiting-room from our world to their world, beeing carried around in confusion of 'what to do with her'? entering a house where even mentioning my name is illegal...how did this turn so dark? Did i even i have a say in this? Am i to be blamed for beeing careless of a danger i knew nothing of? Am i to be blamed for Loving him regardless boundries? Am i to be blamed for reacting impulsivly in this game? reacting carelessly to his beahviour in frustration?
Is this how i am special mom? I wish you would just grab me in ur arms, and take me with you....doesnt seem like there is anything left for me here anyways. Each time i am about to surpsrise our world with a big smile of success and hapiness something seems to wanna take me down. So no bright future, no life,
no love............Yea, maybe you are right, the last one was kinda exaggerating. He is worried, he is scared...to loose me. See mom, i dont even have a right over dieing,lol.....if i die, he'll die...again. I cant let that happen. He needs me more than i need him. Just the thaught of me beeing safe seems to be reason enough for him to live again. I guess i should satisfie my mind with that.....for now. So, mom...i guess i gotta go back....and yea, i understand how i am special, you told me i am born of and for love. A love that brought together two lonely souls with only one beating heart, A love that brought together two worlds...whenever he is ready i'll be there, to together face difficulties this clash of worlds brings along. I love him, regardless misunderstanings,confusions, fights....he'll always be that deep thaught i wish for. could we ever become one?
He is calling me back, mom, i can feel him, this connection is still a mystery for me. Its as if not even highest powers could break it. not even death....
So, sorry for giving you a headache mommy, yea, i knew the answer all along, but not beeing able to embrace and become one with him frustrates me in most weird ways possible, so i just had split it out. I wish i could remember all this when i wake up....or i wish he would just talk to me. I dont wanna hurt him and i dont want him to hurt me with his words anymore. He is so lonely mom, so hurt, so in pain...i wish he would let me in, i wish he would let me have a claim on his world aswell. Afterall, his world,above all difficulities, gave me what mine didnt, Love and belonging!
Bye mommy!
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