Shobha's musings:
I have cried many a day and night wondering where my little boy went. I have been through severe pain and hurt, anger and bitterness, and forgiveness towards P as I could not continue to live with hatred and bitterness in my heart. But his deceitful and abusive ways have had such a severe impact on my mental and emotional health that I very well could be dead now – if it were not for Aarti's love and care. In fact at that time Dupeyji too had an emotional and mental break-down – it was a pregnant Aarti who nursed us back to life. And dear Ansh made us live again with his endearing smile and baby prattle.
If I could go back to the beginning, I honestly don't know what I would or could have done differently. When I married Dupeyji – I entered a joint family. Ours was a love marriage, my family was one step down from the Dupeys in the social ladder – so I accepted the rebukes and taunts of in-laws both immediate and extended as well as that of Dupeyji's elder brother and cousins and their wives. I soon got pregnant. I bore the taunts of my in-laws because I knew I would always have the love of my child and my husband – no matter who else in the world did not love me. Alas, when a woman gets pregnant no one tells her that one day the bundle of joy within her will in time be physically and verbally abusive towards her and make her feel worthless.
The warning signs were there, Dupeyji's eldest uncle – the patriarch of the family was controlling, abusive and had a frightening temper. We women folk stayed a safe distance from him but his wife invariably had bruises on her body. He never took responsibility for his behavior it was always someone else's fault. So it always was that his who wife provoked him or hurt herself because she was clumsy. But I was young and truly never realized that it was a telltale warning sign. Dupeyji loved me and treated me with respect, P was born and I was happy with my child. When P was 5 years old he was playing with his older cousin Anil – the two of them proudly brought home mutilated squirrels. I was aghast but P's Kaki who is abominably dominating dismissed it as a childhood prank. Her son Anil apparently did this and similar acts for a hobby. I was worried – at P and Anil's unfeeling nature, at the same time P started exhibiting uncontrollable anger just like Anil, and enjoyed taunting and disobeying me despite being well loved. Kakiji of course felt nothing was amiss – and I thought my child was imitating his cousin and the rest of the family in his behaviors towards me and the cold nature with which he handled squirrels and other small animals. My worry about P's behavior and attitude new no bounds so finally Dupeyji gave in and when P was about 8 years of age, we moved to Indore. Finally he was away from the influence of his cousin and, Dupeyji and I began parenting him alone.
We knew P's troubled and confused ways so we worked with love and patience at home and asked for understanding from the school. However in a year we heard he was a regular bully, stealing from his classmates and his temper tantrums were alarmingly increasing – once he came home and smashed a vase intentionally. His school teacher suggested that he may be autistic so we took him to the clinic. He was put on medication and began therapy sessions. The therapist was concerned that it was not just misbehavior - P was hurting people in a cold and calculated manner in many different situations. He showed no guilt when corrected for his wrongs, he did not care how he did in school though he had the smarts, and invariably blamed others for his mistakes rather than accept responsibility.
The therapist worked with P four times a week and with me and Dupeyji six times a week – the intent was for us to learn to handle P with love and care. The therapist brought to our attention that P never looked at our eyes when he interacted with us or people in general – so P never understood the emotional components of interaction. So we were taught how to look P in the eye and tell him we love him, we are pleased with him, etc. – the intent was to develop these underactive areas of the brain. Similarly the therapist informed us that the area of the brain that processes fear was underactive – and so he liked rewards but was unaffected by punishment. Gradually we were coached to deal with P - for the therapist was concerned that he had a tendency for psychopathy. The therapist asked us to be clear about consequences, be firm and follow through our threats in a calm manner - also to give good doses of positive talk when his responses were appropriate. Unfortunately – one thing Dupeyji and I were never successful in implementing was consistent parenting. Dupeyji invariably made me handle the firmness and discipline while he handled the reward. P soon picked up on this dichotomy – he abused, harassed and taunted me. I held on through all the trials he put me through and worked with him - I was never sure if P improved or simply learnt to charm and manipulate others with more cleverness. In any event, he got through school and college with minor hiccups and became a productive adult but he never learnt to experience empathy as normal people do.
Dupeyji and I always experienced the accusing eyes of friends and family – that somehow we were at fault for all of P's 'medical' problems. As the mother somewhere my nurturing was at fault – no one understood the genetic link that ran in the family. In order to prove myself innocent I emphasized the societal rules and morals to P – as suggested by the therapist in a firm, strict and calm manner. P however always held this on me. When he brought Aarti home – both Dupeyji and I were delighted to have a "normal" child in the house, we hoped P would finally settle. We lavished all the normal feelings locked within our hearts on Aarti. The marriage started off well – they were so happy but again P's ugly side arose. He noticed the discrepancy in how we treated her - how easily she adapted and won our love. He now began harassing both Aarti and me – his decline had begun. I do not know when things snapped – when his affair with Nida began – when I lost my boy and Aarti her husband. All those symptoms that we had taught him to positively channel raised their head in the worst possible ways. He separated himself from us, from Aarti and his baby in her womb. Dupeyji and I collapsed we literally died within – all the hopes and yearnings of our hearts for the son we loved suddenly seemed meaningless for he never learnt anything about relationships and love.
Now that he is dead – I only feel numbness. My mind is bereft of thought and emotion. Am I in shock – or am I enveloped with a sense of loathing at his base act. I do not want to see his inert form. All I can think of is Ansh and his safety. I want to hold his Ansh and feel my baby in my arms again!
