Posted:
This is my first attempt at a FF so please bear with me.
Black
The flutter is gone. It was like the rapid flutter of a hundred butterfly wings and now it's gone. The only thing left is the slow surging of my own heart, beating alone.
The light is gone. Now there is just a deep blackness that stretches forever. I hear my lone heart beat in the dark, and the voices and movements of others but I don't see them or feel them anymore. I am still in this place that has become my world.
I can't look any of the others in the face. Maaji's acussatory glances, Bauji's disappointment, the anger and hurt on the faces of my family is unbearable.
I drop my gaze and turn my head when they approach me because their pain along with my own is too much to bear. And Yash, he offered me so much love, happiness, friendship, trust... and I laid waste to it all.
It's better to stay here in the dark than to see that hurt and stand before the pain pouring out of him.
They really don't need me anyway.
The children are well loved even if I'm not present. I hear them, they move around me on tip-toe, speaking in hushed tones.
"Why doesn't Mumma smile anymore?"
"Won't Mumma ever play with us again?"
"Can we see, sit, be near her?"
"Mumma we love you."
If I had a heart left to break "Mumma we love you" would do it.
But my heart shattered to dust the day Yash faced me and my truth with hurt and betrayal in his eyes. I knew he would walk away and when he turned his head Aayu went with his gaze. That I didn't expect.
After the pain and loss of Aayu the blackness feels...safe.
I've started moving thru my life again. I think I'm mostly doing it right. Every now and then one of the voices from the dark will make a request.
"Aarti will you hold this?"
"Can you cut that?"
"Stand there" and on and on until whatever task I've been assigned is complete. But mostly I just sit in the shroud of black that surrounds me.
Sometimes Vidhi Baubi and Paridhi will sit with me, but it's very hard to follow their chatter.
When Vidhi baubi brushes my hair I try not to flinch. Her gentle slow strokes feel more like a whip stripping my soul bare.
How can they still be so kind to me?
I destroyed the happiness of the family with my stubbornness and inablility to trust...still they're so kind. Maybe if I go deeper into the dark I won't have to remember what I've done to them and I can finally rest in the embrace of black.
Well that's it for part one please like and leave comments. I know it's not the most cheerful way to spend Christmas. But I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas.
Excerpt from part 2 added below, for a not so heavy ending.
Black
The flutter is gone. It was like the rapid flutter of a hundred butterfly wings and now it's gone. The only thing left is the slow surging of my own heart, beating alone.
The light is gone. Now there is just a deep blackness that stretches forever. I hear my lone heart beat in the dark, and the voices and movements of others but I don't see them or feel them anymore. I am still in this place that has become my world.
I can't look any of the others in the face. Maaji's acussatory glances, Bauji's disappointment, the anger and hurt on the faces of my family is unbearable.
I drop my gaze and turn my head when they approach me because their pain along with my own is too much to bear. And Yash, he offered me so much love, happiness, friendship, trust... and I laid waste to it all.
It's better to stay here in the dark than to see that hurt and stand before the pain pouring out of him.
They really don't need me anyway.
The children are well loved even if I'm not present. I hear them, they move around me on tip-toe, speaking in hushed tones.
"Why doesn't Mumma smile anymore?"
"Won't Mumma ever play with us again?"
"Can we see, sit, be near her?"
"Mumma we love you."
If I had a heart left to break "Mumma we love you" would do it.
But my heart shattered to dust the day Yash faced me and my truth with hurt and betrayal in his eyes. I knew he would walk away and when he turned his head Aayu went with his gaze. That I didn't expect.
After the pain and loss of Aayu the blackness feels...safe.
I've started moving thru my life again. I think I'm mostly doing it right. Every now and then one of the voices from the dark will make a request.
"Aarti will you hold this?"
"Can you cut that?"
"Stand there" and on and on until whatever task I've been assigned is complete. But mostly I just sit in the shroud of black that surrounds me.
Sometimes Vidhi Baubi and Paridhi will sit with me, but it's very hard to follow their chatter.
When Vidhi baubi brushes my hair I try not to flinch. Her gentle slow strokes feel more like a whip stripping my soul bare.
How can they still be so kind to me?
I destroyed the happiness of the family with my stubbornness and inablility to trust...still they're so kind. Maybe if I go deeper into the dark I won't have to remember what I've done to them and I can finally rest in the embrace of black.
Well that's it for part one please like and leave comments. I know it's not the most cheerful way to spend Christmas. But I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas.
Excerpt from part 2 added below, for a not so heavy ending.
Naagin 7
Cricket
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