Posted:
Okay so another essay😆. Read at your peril⭐️. Its from PayPal and Ansh's perspective. I 100% support Yash's actions (and Aarti's) in last episode. Wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I'm simply sharing my opinion on child-rearing techniques (as always 👏).
As some of you would know, I am staunch in my defense of Ansh. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Its because I can relate to PayPal. 👏
My problem with how adults view children (how I was viewed when I was Ansh, Payal, Palak's age), is that they see them as less than human sometimes. Their opinions don't matter. Their intelligent and genuine remarks are taken as "being smart". They're pushed around when no one else is looking, and when their parents do find out, the story is always quite filtered and without impact of a first-hand look. I've received that conciliatory speech (ex: A&A bridge speech) a time or two, and also a "Well, what do you expect me to do?" Let me tell you, it does a child no favour to be told that their being mistreated (however trivial it may seem) can not be helped. "Your grandmother said/did this? Well then, I say sorry on her behalf." A child does not need apologies, they need said behaviour to stop. That's what Ansh needs. He needs Gayatri to stop treating him horribly. No amount of conciliatory behaviour on ArYa's part is going to change that. Yash realizes this. Aarti does to, but unfortunately, her hands are tied.
As someone who was raised just as Scindya's were (how I assume they were anyway), I understand where Ansh is coming from. Sometimes you do a crazy little kid stunt, not thinking about the consequences. And then all hell brakes loose, and you don't understand why. A series of events happen to you, and still you don't make the connection between your stunt and your punishment. Or you do, but you're too scared to even give a shit about right vs wrong. All you know is that you will never do what you did again. So the end result is the same. But the child is left with feelings that the parents might not have intended.
I see that in Ansh. I don't think it'll be long before he'll start to resent his own mother for trying to cover everything up instead of taking his side. That story she made up, about how Gaya had been looking for a key, and that she in the end had helped Ansh, was touching in a helpless way. How quickly a child will latch onto stories like that. But then the next day dawns, and you remember the truth. Children are intelligent and intuitive, and although the incident might be forgotten, the pain that they received will stay with them. Right now Yash and Aarti are desperately trying to make him feel better, but the truth is, damage has been done. And they know it. They know they let their kid down. First by not preventing it (or stopping it), and second, for not getting him justice. (I am speaking from Ansh's perspective here. I didn't expect Yash or Aarti act differently. They did what was in their power, and in the long-term it will only benefit Ansh. But he doesn't know that.)
Just because Ansh messed up the bathroom, or just because he 'talked back' doesn't mean he's going to end up a bad person. Neither will PayPal. Also, Ansh did receive his punishment when Yash yelled at him for the table incident. Only Ansh didn't know that the table incident included anger from the bathroom debacle. Its such a mess when parents start to discipline children in anger, or in an attempt to straighten them out. If you want a child to know the consequence for their action, you need to first (or after at the very least) explain the action that led to the consequence. A silly thing to say, I know. But there is no inherent understanding of these things. It needs to be told to them. If I could only tell you the number of times I was told "because I said so" while growing up 😆. Never once, was I given a why. Instead, when I asked why, ulta I would get yelled at, "How dare you ask me why? Because I am your God, thats why". 😆 Well no one ever used the word 'God', but you know what I mean. You are expected to understand, instantly, why you got the punishment you did. And maybe you do...a little. But is it really that insulting to have to explain yourself to a child? Ego seems to be an issue for adults at every age. Except for children. They have yet to develop the concept. So is answering really that wrong? Does explaining 'why' really have the horrible consequences, most parents think it does? Will it feed a child's ego, or will it broaden understanding?
A child does not talk back. I firmly believe that. But when you oppress someone, words are all they have. Why should a child be any different? Why do we expect Ansh (with all his intelligence and innocence) to behave differently with Gayatri. She is forevermore "moti dadi"😆. There's a difference between back-talk and an honest genuine question, but I think the lines get blurred when a child upstages a 'grown-up'. Because all the grown-up sees is this little child, just out-smarted them. Its embarrassing to those who feel their intelligence, is already in question, or is being questioned. Ansh's 'time' comment was a slightly smart thing to say, and maybe Ansh meant it to be that way also. I do not think Gaya meant to hurt him. She just wanted to show him who was boss. But that is no way to raise a child. Because your ego, and your need to establish yourself as a better, comes across a little monstrously. Pari and Vidhi looked horrified, for gosh sakes. Imagine what Ansh was thinking. Things escalate, and before you know it, you're scrambling to justify your behaviour, both to yourself and to everyone else watching.
As someone who was told and shown in a multitude of ways who was boss, I must say, that it does a child no service to constantly be shown that you are beneath, or lesser than them. As a child, you are not beneath, you are dependent. Your parents are your world. They are your every source of 'world education'. When parents do not communicate with a child (the reason for X or Z), its demeaning, hurtful, and has the effect of making the child think they do not deserve a response. I know it seems dramatic, but that's what I felt growing up. Like every time I was yelled at or punished it was because that was what I was worth. Ansh talks like a little man because that is how he is treated. PayPal act like bratty little girls because that is how they are treated.
Like PayPal I learned to behave in a certain way, within certain contexts. My family was often complimented on how well-behaved myself and my siblings were. But you know what happens when you're bullied? You bully others. Lack of confidence rears its head in ugly ways while growing up. PayPal's principal was right. Your first teacher is your home/family/parents. They are your most important teachers. Always.
Like PayPal I would say things behind my parents' backs, and when they accidentally heard, I would prepare myself for punishment, and sit there and wait for it to be over. When I did something wrong, I would hide it instead of confess it. There were things that would happen that I would never confide to my parents about. I was sure that once again, I would get punished even more. Stories came out, eons later, about how teachers would mistreat myself, and my siblings in school, and how we never confided to our parents, because we felt, in childhood, that they did not have our backs. It is important to keep lines of communication open. I can see the regret in my mothers eyes, when she hears stories like this. And you know what? First few times, I was pleased. Twisted I know, but there you have it. Because for the first time I started to understand that they did not know the effect their style of parenting had. That they had not intended the hurt (or neglect), only the result.
I know the effects of being financially spoiled (like PayPal), but I always wondered what it would be like to be emotionally spoiled instead (like Ansh), Or to not be spoiled at all. 😃Material things have a way of stunting your growth emotionally. I love and respect my parents with all my heart. But respect came after many years of resentment and built up anger. As an adult, I ask myself, even though I turned out perfectly fine (just like Scindya brothers), would I raise my children in the same way? Pankaj says hell no, Yash says yes and no, and Prateik is a question mark. I used to say yes. But now, my answer is no. I'm sure I'll yell in anger atleast once or twice, like Yash (because that is what I know). I'm sure I'll punish my children when they become of age. One very important lesson I have learned: first and foremost is your child's emotional upbringing. The money and the things that money can buy (like computers and pretty toys when you're parents want to express love), are actually quite unnecessary.
A part of me is a little disgusted by PayPal's behaviour. Maybe because I wasn't too far off the mark when I was little. I guarded my toys fiercely. I only shared with my sibling. And we didn't mix well with others. It was hard to make friends, because that wasn't encouraged at home. In our strict household it was more important to be at home (like good girls are expected to be), and make good grades, than to socialize. To be honest, I don't remember if I always felt love with the giving of gifts. My parents gave them with love for sure. But I don't think I felt that earlier in life. Before my mind made the connection. What I do remember, is demanding stuff. My parents might have made me wait, but I ultimately got what I wanted. Just like PayPal. Seriously, this show is just so awesome. Such wonderful and spot on writing. ⭐️
As a parent, it is your job to give your child an upbringing to the best of your ability. No one is perfect. But every generation marks a new opportunity, and progress is the ultimate goal.Like my parents, I will learn from my upbringing, and give my children my best ⭐️. I hope its enough.
PS: I'm not trying to convince anyone that they should change their mind on parenting styles. I am simply sharing my experiences and feelings, in a hope to explain my unorthodox thinking. If it is possible to raise a well-rounded individual in a "lenient" manner, then why not?
Edit: I guess it makes a major difference if you're raised in a joint-family or not. I was, and the thing is, not everybody disciplines you because they consider you "as their own". Some just take advantage of their power position. I don't think they mean to mistreat kids, its just that they think anything short of physical abuse is fine. Its an obvious danger, and I'm surprised PV's chosen to touch on it. Usually they portray such families as god's gift to earth. When in reality it has its own advantages and disadvantages.
As some of you would know, I am staunch in my defense of Ansh. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Its because I can relate to PayPal. 👏
My problem with how adults view children (how I was viewed when I was Ansh, Payal, Palak's age), is that they see them as less than human sometimes. Their opinions don't matter. Their intelligent and genuine remarks are taken as "being smart". They're pushed around when no one else is looking, and when their parents do find out, the story is always quite filtered and without impact of a first-hand look. I've received that conciliatory speech (ex: A&A bridge speech) a time or two, and also a "Well, what do you expect me to do?" Let me tell you, it does a child no favour to be told that their being mistreated (however trivial it may seem) can not be helped. "Your grandmother said/did this? Well then, I say sorry on her behalf." A child does not need apologies, they need said behaviour to stop. That's what Ansh needs. He needs Gayatri to stop treating him horribly. No amount of conciliatory behaviour on ArYa's part is going to change that. Yash realizes this. Aarti does to, but unfortunately, her hands are tied.
As someone who was raised just as Scindya's were (how I assume they were anyway), I understand where Ansh is coming from. Sometimes you do a crazy little kid stunt, not thinking about the consequences. And then all hell brakes loose, and you don't understand why. A series of events happen to you, and still you don't make the connection between your stunt and your punishment. Or you do, but you're too scared to even give a shit about right vs wrong. All you know is that you will never do what you did again. So the end result is the same. But the child is left with feelings that the parents might not have intended.
I see that in Ansh. I don't think it'll be long before he'll start to resent his own mother for trying to cover everything up instead of taking his side. That story she made up, about how Gaya had been looking for a key, and that she in the end had helped Ansh, was touching in a helpless way. How quickly a child will latch onto stories like that. But then the next day dawns, and you remember the truth. Children are intelligent and intuitive, and although the incident might be forgotten, the pain that they received will stay with them. Right now Yash and Aarti are desperately trying to make him feel better, but the truth is, damage has been done. And they know it. They know they let their kid down. First by not preventing it (or stopping it), and second, for not getting him justice. (I am speaking from Ansh's perspective here. I didn't expect Yash or Aarti act differently. They did what was in their power, and in the long-term it will only benefit Ansh. But he doesn't know that.)
Just because Ansh messed up the bathroom, or just because he 'talked back' doesn't mean he's going to end up a bad person. Neither will PayPal. Also, Ansh did receive his punishment when Yash yelled at him for the table incident. Only Ansh didn't know that the table incident included anger from the bathroom debacle. Its such a mess when parents start to discipline children in anger, or in an attempt to straighten them out. If you want a child to know the consequence for their action, you need to first (or after at the very least) explain the action that led to the consequence. A silly thing to say, I know. But there is no inherent understanding of these things. It needs to be told to them. If I could only tell you the number of times I was told "because I said so" while growing up 😆. Never once, was I given a why. Instead, when I asked why, ulta I would get yelled at, "How dare you ask me why? Because I am your God, thats why". 😆 Well no one ever used the word 'God', but you know what I mean. You are expected to understand, instantly, why you got the punishment you did. And maybe you do...a little. But is it really that insulting to have to explain yourself to a child? Ego seems to be an issue for adults at every age. Except for children. They have yet to develop the concept. So is answering really that wrong? Does explaining 'why' really have the horrible consequences, most parents think it does? Will it feed a child's ego, or will it broaden understanding?
A child does not talk back. I firmly believe that. But when you oppress someone, words are all they have. Why should a child be any different? Why do we expect Ansh (with all his intelligence and innocence) to behave differently with Gayatri. She is forevermore "moti dadi"😆. There's a difference between back-talk and an honest genuine question, but I think the lines get blurred when a child upstages a 'grown-up'. Because all the grown-up sees is this little child, just out-smarted them. Its embarrassing to those who feel their intelligence, is already in question, or is being questioned. Ansh's 'time' comment was a slightly smart thing to say, and maybe Ansh meant it to be that way also. I do not think Gaya meant to hurt him. She just wanted to show him who was boss. But that is no way to raise a child. Because your ego, and your need to establish yourself as a better, comes across a little monstrously. Pari and Vidhi looked horrified, for gosh sakes. Imagine what Ansh was thinking. Things escalate, and before you know it, you're scrambling to justify your behaviour, both to yourself and to everyone else watching.
As someone who was told and shown in a multitude of ways who was boss, I must say, that it does a child no service to constantly be shown that you are beneath, or lesser than them. As a child, you are not beneath, you are dependent. Your parents are your world. They are your every source of 'world education'. When parents do not communicate with a child (the reason for X or Z), its demeaning, hurtful, and has the effect of making the child think they do not deserve a response. I know it seems dramatic, but that's what I felt growing up. Like every time I was yelled at or punished it was because that was what I was worth. Ansh talks like a little man because that is how he is treated. PayPal act like bratty little girls because that is how they are treated.
Like PayPal I learned to behave in a certain way, within certain contexts. My family was often complimented on how well-behaved myself and my siblings were. But you know what happens when you're bullied? You bully others. Lack of confidence rears its head in ugly ways while growing up. PayPal's principal was right. Your first teacher is your home/family/parents. They are your most important teachers. Always.
Like PayPal I would say things behind my parents' backs, and when they accidentally heard, I would prepare myself for punishment, and sit there and wait for it to be over. When I did something wrong, I would hide it instead of confess it. There were things that would happen that I would never confide to my parents about. I was sure that once again, I would get punished even more. Stories came out, eons later, about how teachers would mistreat myself, and my siblings in school, and how we never confided to our parents, because we felt, in childhood, that they did not have our backs. It is important to keep lines of communication open. I can see the regret in my mothers eyes, when she hears stories like this. And you know what? First few times, I was pleased. Twisted I know, but there you have it. Because for the first time I started to understand that they did not know the effect their style of parenting had. That they had not intended the hurt (or neglect), only the result.
I know the effects of being financially spoiled (like PayPal), but I always wondered what it would be like to be emotionally spoiled instead (like Ansh), Or to not be spoiled at all. 😃Material things have a way of stunting your growth emotionally. I love and respect my parents with all my heart. But respect came after many years of resentment and built up anger. As an adult, I ask myself, even though I turned out perfectly fine (just like Scindya brothers), would I raise my children in the same way? Pankaj says hell no, Yash says yes and no, and Prateik is a question mark. I used to say yes. But now, my answer is no. I'm sure I'll yell in anger atleast once or twice, like Yash (because that is what I know). I'm sure I'll punish my children when they become of age. One very important lesson I have learned: first and foremost is your child's emotional upbringing. The money and the things that money can buy (like computers and pretty toys when you're parents want to express love), are actually quite unnecessary.
A part of me is a little disgusted by PayPal's behaviour. Maybe because I wasn't too far off the mark when I was little. I guarded my toys fiercely. I only shared with my sibling. And we didn't mix well with others. It was hard to make friends, because that wasn't encouraged at home. In our strict household it was more important to be at home (like good girls are expected to be), and make good grades, than to socialize. To be honest, I don't remember if I always felt love with the giving of gifts. My parents gave them with love for sure. But I don't think I felt that earlier in life. Before my mind made the connection. What I do remember, is demanding stuff. My parents might have made me wait, but I ultimately got what I wanted. Just like PayPal. Seriously, this show is just so awesome. Such wonderful and spot on writing. ⭐️
As a parent, it is your job to give your child an upbringing to the best of your ability. No one is perfect. But every generation marks a new opportunity, and progress is the ultimate goal.Like my parents, I will learn from my upbringing, and give my children my best ⭐️. I hope its enough.
PS: I'm not trying to convince anyone that they should change their mind on parenting styles. I am simply sharing my experiences and feelings, in a hope to explain my unorthodox thinking. If it is possible to raise a well-rounded individual in a "lenient" manner, then why not?
Edit: I guess it makes a major difference if you're raised in a joint-family or not. I was, and the thing is, not everybody disciplines you because they consider you "as their own". Some just take advantage of their power position. I don't think they mean to mistreat kids, its just that they think anything short of physical abuse is fine. Its an obvious danger, and I'm surprised PV's chosen to touch on it. Usually they portray such families as god's gift to earth. When in reality it has its own advantages and disadvantages.
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