Chapter 15
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It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy; it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.'
By Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility
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"Is there anything you want to share, Arnav?"
His sister's voice boomed into his numb ears as he stared at the cloudless night aimlessly. The day had been tiresome, starting from the uncharacteristic conversation with Kiran that followed by the sudden protectiveness he had felt for Khushi consuming his peace. The sudden visit that his sister and her husband planned for him failed to bring his lost spirits. It was like standing alone on the road with nowhere to go and no one to lean on. He knew what he wanted in his life. He always had. And that was to find who his Shona was and lead a happy life with her. But the way he was growing closer to Khushi by each passing second, though it was nothing sort of romantic in nature, it bothered him for the way Khushi stared at him that morning. It was disturbing, as he had seen what she never said aloud - pain she had been hiding from the world around her.
"Why do people who fell in love always end up in tears, Di?" He voiced his thoughts, his gaze still fixed in the space in front of him, as his thoughts made their way across his mind. "Why can't a person have a normal ending?" He looked at her, his eyes boring in hers that pierced her heart. "With all the complications, why can't a person ever let go off his loved one and end his miseries?"
He waited for her to speak as Anjali searched his eyes to find the reason for his restlessness, though she knew what it was. She had always known without her brother voicing it, and tonight was no different. She took his hand in hers while smiling at him. "You said it yourself, Arnav." She whispered softly, the words caressing him just like the warm wind ruffling his hair. "It's because the person is someone we love and wish to have a life with.It's because we knew, even if we never accepted it aloud, that the person is what we need to breathe. We knew we couldn't live if we let that person walk past us, even if it is for their own good. We end up in tears because we care for them enough and worry enough that it makes us forget how to smile, if the person has no part in that smile.It's better to cry for any person, than to embrace smiles and laughs without his loved one."
Arnav smiled at her as he rolled his eyes at her words, trying hard to hide the sensitive side of him, although he knew that she knew his weakness. "This is why I hate to discuss anything related with emotions with Amma or you, Anju." He said, sounding as careless as he could manage, making his sister chuckle at his modesty. "One word and you guys go on this entiresoul mate thing."
"When did I mention regarding soul mate, Suriya?" Anjali teased, using the endearment that Arnav hated the most. But at times like this, this was all Arnav ever needed. To hear his family calling him by his middle name. "By the way, isn't it you who brought it up?" She demanded with narrowed eyes, "is that whom you are waiting?" She asked seriously, "to meet your soul mate?"
Arnav sighed aloud before gazing back at the dark sky, taking his hand out of her grip. "I met her," he whispered, "my soul mate, six months ago, Di. I haven't seen her, I accept it. But I felt it. I can still feel that she is the one for me. I know she is waiting for me just as much I am longing to have her by my side. I know that my sentiments are reciprocated. Don't ask me how I am sure about it, I myself am clueless. All I know is, Shona is all I need to breathe, and I prefer those tears, than to smile without her."
"I know how it feels," Anjali replied with a knowing smile, "to experience that emotion for a person, who we met as complete strangers but managed to become our life. I know Amma and Papa knew it better than we do. Isn't it the reason for all of us to accept your love without knowing who your pen pal is, Arnav?"
He laughed aloud with a nod, as he tilted his head aside to find Aman cradling his baby who was sleeping peacefully on his chest, on a rocking chair inside the room. "That was why they hadn't worried when you brought him as your boyfriend for the first time." He said as the siblings sat there,reminiscing their happy memories. "I was the only one to react violently, without having an idea about the feeling."
"The ever possessive brother..." Anjali teased him further, as they settled more comfortably. She glanced at him for a long moment before sighing helplessly. "Is that all you are worried about, Arnav?" She asked directly, "is this all about your Shona?"
He avoided looking at his sister as the images of the day's events flashed across his mind, bringing back the restlessness that came from altogether different reason. "Khushi." He said the name that had been haunting him from the time he reached the place, which only intensified that morning. He looked at her to find her molten eyes wide with shock at the fact he had taken a girl's name. He chuckled at the hope his family were having that he would just move on by forgetting his Shona, whom he had never met directly. "Not in a way you hope or misunderstood, Anju." He said softly that delivered the message clear and aloud. "She is Bindu's sister... facing her own love problem."
Anjali backed off, slapping her head at the momentary happiness she felt when she heard him speaking about a girl who wasn't his Shona. This was his brother - the person who would worry about everyone he met and liked, keeping his happiness at bay. "I am sorry, I overreacted." She paused for a while, composing herself, and the asked him. "I never thought you would like a person enough to worry about her problems, Arnav." She voiced her doubts.
"It's a shocking surprise, I know." Arnav assured his sister that he felt the same about it. "However, Khushi is a little different. So what I am saying is," his smile dropped a little as he remembered how she cried in his arms few mornings ago. "She is in love with this guy, who has no idea about her, but the guy who treated her as a kid. And also, the guy is already in love with someone else."
"If she made my brother care for her in the span of hardly three weeks," Anjali looked at him just as Aman joined them, seating himself on the concrete platform at the edge of the terrace, "this Khushi is really different, Arnav."
"Khushi?"Aman asked him, "are you talking about Kiran's to-be-saali...? The one you mentioned to be the craziest girl alive in the world?"
Arnav laughed as he remembered how he described her to Aman and shook his head. "The same girl," he confirmed, not noticing the confused glance the couple shared. "You have to meet her, guys. She is funny, witty and child at heart... innocent and stubborn... yet she has that shade that she often hides... the mature girl in her."
"And why is her love problem bothering you, Arnav?" It was Aman to demand him.
Arnav looked at him and then at her before taking a deep breath. "I don't know why," he confessed truthfully, "but I liked her. The first time I saw her, she was, in those half-saris that most Southern part girls are used to, offering her prayers to the Sun God. The second time I saw her, she was all Kaali-Ma at her family. Every time I saw her, she showed a different shade of her, that it intrigued me. I didn't see as a girl, but I see her as a friend - a friend who is hiding her true self beneath the pampered kid faade, with her eyes carried out pain which no one would ever find words to describe. I saw the love she has for the guy, and how painful it is for her to stay away from him. I saw how difficult it is for her, to smile at the world as if she has a perfect life. I find myself worrying about her, this strange urge to protect her, and to help her find her happiness is eating the little peace I have. I felt like I have known her all my life, when she stared at me this morning... when I stared back into her eyes."
"Arnav..." his sister whispered, the worry in her voice making him uncomfortable, "I know that it isn't new for you to worry about a person. But the way you said the last thing... feeling that you knew her all your life... is something that is bothering me." She raised her hand, stopping him to speak anything. "I am not saying that you have something related with the girl. As a sister, all I wish is for you to find all your happiness. I have faith in you and your love for Shona. Also, I believe that the reason for you to be worried regarding Khushi is just because you accepted her as your friend. All I ask for you is, think twice before taking any decision. If you want to help Khushi find her happiness, and if you need help for it, you know I am always with you, right."
He hugged his sister, as he nodded. "I know you meant my wellbeing, Anju," he said gently, kissing her forehead, thanking her with his action, "I don't think I can accept any other girl than Shona. I haven't seen her, but I know her for who she is. And I fell in love with that caring, full of life Shona. If there comes a day where I have to accept anyone who isn't my Shona, it will be compromise, Anju. I might move on and love someone else, but my first love is Shona and it is something that always stays with me. And if such day comes where I am forced to leave my Shona behind, it will be the very day that I would lost the capability of loving ever again. Because as you said, I could never smile or laugh wholeheartedly if it doesn't have Shona in that moment."
Arnav squeezed his sister's hand before looking at Aman. "Now, don't you start with the entire lecture," he whined but smiled sheepishly as he saw Kiran and Bindu walking towards them.
"Seems like the family is catching up..."Kiran commented while slapping Aman's back to which Aman just nodded with his own grin.
"Seems like I have to learn what this family has done to my Saala that he has become abnormal."Aman commented back, making Anjali chuckle at his description, while Arnav rolled his eyes at his modesty. "You know," he continued, "Arnav is actually having family-bonding emotional conversations right now." He grinned at Arnav who glared at him, in full mood to tease him, and also to lighten the situation by pushing the heavy and serious discussion they just had. "What..? Am I stating something that never happened, Suriya?"
"If you have such a strong death wish..." Arnav hissed under his breath before jumping on his feet, as Aman, knowing well about his Saala, was faster to run around the terrace, to save his life... and just like that, the night was filled with their laughter as Aman and Kiran caught up with their life, teasing Anjali and Bindu in between... with Arnav taking in the whole scene, happy to see at least his sister was blessed with herlove.
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"Where have you been the whole night, Khushi?"
The voice boomed from her behind, a contrast to the warm early morning. Khushi turned around while cursing herself for being caught, to find him glaring at her. She had never seen him losing his calmness in such a way. Though she had informed last night that she wouldn't come home and that they need not to be worried about her, she knew better than to think he would let the matter go as she wished he would. He wouldn't be him if he didn't demand for answers... reasons behind her staying away from home.
"I was at the Radio Station," she repeated the reason she had said, avoiding to look at her as she walked in. the early morning's rays failed to calm her nervousness for the first time ever since a long time."I was too bored to come home and wanted to spend in a funny way. So I decided to take up another shift and was preparing for it as the program is going to hire from tonight. It's 10 to 12, by the way. I hope at least few will listen to me." She shared her excitement with her usual cheerful smile.
"Do you really think I will pretend to buy your reasoning and let go like I always did?" He demanded, blocking her way from escaping into her room that she had been sharing with Bindu from the time Arnav moved in to her room upstairs. He held her elbow as he shook her, trying to make her see sense. "I am not going to lay back and entertain your ways, Khushi." He hissed at her. "That's not going to go on from today. You are doing no such thing and whether you like it or not, you are going to follow my orders."
"Who do you think you are, Kiran?" She shouted back, pushing his hand away from her, ignoring the pain her own words inflicted on her. She knew she was being selfish. She knew she was going to hurt her family in the most possible way, but the whole night that she stayed away from the family, from the time she met her doctor uncle earlier the previous day, it was all she had thought about. The chances were thin, and she knew exactly what would happen if she hadn't found a donor for heart transplantation. And she was tired of pretending that she was strong enough to smile at the family. She would spend as much away from them as she could. And she would, at all the costs, be careful around Arnav.
Her father had said that it wasn't her right to decide what was best for Arnav. Her mother and sister had pleaded that she should confess that she was the girl Arnav was waiting and searching for, and let him be the one to decide what he had to do further. Kiran had always been a support for her when her family was against her in this matter. He was the only one to say that he would try to understand her reason, but if he had a chance, he would want her to confess Arnav first, and then take a decision after discussing with the man. But Khushi couldn't do any such thing. For starters, she knew Arnav would never leave her side if ever he came to know about her being his pen pal, the girl he fell in love with. And she knew without any doubt that Arnav would be shattered if he came to know that she had less time to survive. As selfish as Khushi was, she wanted and wished for Arnav to move on in life. Keeping him in the dark and letting him believe that his Shona was just a passing cloud that he would never meet her in his lifetime seemed the best option rather than to let him lead a dreadful life along with Khushiif he came to know her health condition.
For a while in the past few days, she had been confused herself as what she wanted and needed and wished from Arnav that she, as Shona, replied to his message that she did love him but not in a position - never would be in a position - to meet him or have a life with him, and as Khushi, sending mixed signals that she dedicated two songs for him openly, staring in his eyes with all the love she had for him, confusing him in a great extent.
But the last night, as she sat along in the comfortable silence in the Radio Station, a place where she would her muse in the past four months, two months after knowing her condition, it helped her think about the whole situation in a peaceful mind and also helped her realize and understand what she really wanted. And all she could come up was, for Arnav to be blessed with the happiness he deserve, and the love that would stay by his side for a lifetime.
"I know you are worried as much as my family," she said harshly, ignoring the pain in his eyes, and the gasps she knew from her mother and sister who stood few feet away, shocked at her outburst. "I know you want me to be happy and healthy, but get along with it, Kiran." She then turned around so that she could see the three members, glad that her father wasn't home as she could never speak such things in front of her father who was everything to her. "Accept the fact that if things failed to happen according to the plan, it's hard for me to survive. I am not ready to go and confess Arnav that I am the girl who is going to die. I am tired of this game. I want to enjoy the rest of my life and you guys are really not helping me in any way. So what if I have a month... a week... or just a day? I want to spend as happily as I could. And I don't to drag the man I love into this dreadful life. Is it too much for me to ask and hope for? So what I want to do RJing at nights as well, if that is what keeping me sane? So what I stayed up late and give a damn about it, as far it makes me happy? What's so wrong in being a little selfish for my own satisfaction?"
"There are chances..."Kiran spoke as soon as she stopped, his voice choked a little but he managed to stay strong even as his heart was being murdered as he was forced to watch helplessly the girl he loved as his sister fighting death.
"The chances are slim." Khushi countered, challenging them to dare and speak otherwise. She smiled lifelessly as she watched them having no other word to speak. "I am not worried about it, Kiran." She said softly, "my only worry is that I would be unable to enjoy its fullest. I will be careful, I promise. I will take care of my health and do no such thing that gives me pain. I want to stay away from this... I want to forget the fact that I have less time. I want to enjoy, Kiran, and I found RJing to be my call. I beg you all to let me answer that call."
"Can you stay away from Arnav knowing that you are misusing the opportunity?" He asked gently as he pulled her into his arms, hiding his tears as he blinked at Bindu and their mother.
Khushi sighed deeply as she hugged him, letting her tears fall. "I am not going to regret my decision, Kiran." She whispered, feeling lighthearted after a long time as she let her frustration let out of her system."I love him so much that it made me selfish to let him go for his own good."
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