Milestones (OS)

Turn down the lights;
Turn down the bed.
Turn down these voices
Inside my head.

Lavanya smiled sardonically as she watched the two of them stare at each other. It felt like she was intruding in a private moment...in their private moment. She turned away when it was too much for her to bear, silently heading for her room. She knew very well that they would probably not even notice her absence until later. It's a funny thing how one becomes a mere spectator of one's own dreams. The scenes unfold and that very person looks on from outside while someone else plays her part. Lavanya shook her head ruefully...since when did she become so dramatic? Switching off the lights of her room, she slipped into the blankets welcoming the warmth they provided. It had been a long day. She willed herself to sleep but sleep wouldn't graze the horizons of her consciousness. Instead the chain of thoughts started all over again. She really did see this coming but nothing could have prepared her for the blow. As a tear silently made its way out and disappeared into the pillow she couldn't help but wish she hadn't turned away from the truth for so long. She wished she had been strong enough to accept her relation with Arnav for what it was...just an attraction that didn't have the strength to stand in front of what Arnav and Khushi shared and so her relationship had inevitably crumbled down in front of their non-existent one right before her own eyes.

Lay down with me;
Tell me no lies.
Just hold me close;
Don't patronize.

So engrossed was she in her thoughts that she never noticed a shadow slip into the room and make its way towards her until it slipped into the blankets beside her. She turned towards him and watched in fascination as realization dawned upon his brown orbs. His eyes had always been his give away. If she had been a little more inclined towards drama she probably would have addressed his eyes as mirrors which lets others see reflections of his soul in them. But she wasn't and so she snuggled into him and looked away. Her self-respect wouldn't let him see her vulnerability...wouldn't let him pity her.

"Lavanya, I...," he began.

"I know," she said.

I'll close my eyes,
Then I won't see
The love you don't feel
When you're holding me.

Arnav tightened his hold around her as she closed her eyes, snuggling closer, seeking some much needed warmth. He pressed his cheek on the top of her head and she reveled in the feeling. Strangely, in all those years with him during their relationship she had never felt closer to him than now. It was like a wall between them had fallen, taking down their pretenses with it.

'Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.
You can't make your heart feel
Something it won't.
Here in the dark
In these final hours,
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power;
But you won't.
No, you won't.
'Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.

When the silence got unbearable Lavanya started softly humming Bruno Mar's Count on me while Arnav chuckled. She had never really been good with silence, always needing something to fill it up with. It's like the silence would bring back her demons that she didn't want to face. And so he helped her drive them away by humming along.

"You remember last time when they were playing this song at the restaurant we usually dine and..,"

"and you suddenly started dancing to it," said an amused Arnav.

"Yeah, and that old lady sitting on the next table was glaring at me and for a moment I thought I'd turn to ashes just by the power of her glares." Lavanya shuddered while Arnav rolled his eyes.

"That was because her husband was staring at you in a not-so-discreet manner and I think I also saw his fake teeth drop onto his plate, so yeah she was pretty pissed at you."

"Hey he wasn't that old! And ewww you are gross!"

Arnav laughed out loud at that. "Okay, I may have exaggerated a bit."

Lavanya snorted, "You think?! Anyway, it was fun I guess."

"I always admired that in you, Lavanya. Your ability to do something without paying two hoots about what others would think about it."

Lavanya sighed. "I never was like that Arnav. I changed so that you would notice me...and not just see me." Lavanya now had a faraway look in her eyes as she relived those moments. But there was no remorse in her voice, just monotony. In that moment, it seemed like she had aged years in mere seconds.

"You know why I started dancing to that tune that day? Because you were busy with your Blackberry, making and cracking deals...so busy that you wouldn't even glance up at me and I was desperate for your attention, for you to acknowledge my presence in some way. And then one day I caught you staring at Khushi...the same way I had always wanted you to look at me."

Lavanya smiled sadly as she went on, "Then, over the days that followed I watched you guys interact, fight and steal glances at each other. I outgrew fairy tales a long time back but I guess I never gave up on happy endings and so I hoped beyond hope for us... Stupid me, eh?

" Lavanya, I never meant to hurt you."

"I know," said Lavanya. "And neither do I blame you nor do I regret what we had, Arnav. I just wish we had what you have with Khushi. Had it been just an attraction I wouldn't have given up on us but how do I fight against love?" Her voice broke on the last part and Arnav swallowed painfully.

Morning will come,
And I'll do what's right;
Just give me till then
To give up this fight.

And I will give up this fight.

They kept on talking to each other until dawn broke out in the eastern sky. In retrospect, Lavanya and Arnav would probably agree that their last night together had been a milestone in their relationship, a milestone that indicated an end of a shadow of a relation and the beginning of a beautiful friendship, something that they both would cherish.

Arnav got up and was about to twist the door knob and step out of the room when Lavanya's voice stopped him in his tracks.

"Arnav my flight leaves in the afternoon and I would really appreciate it if you didn't drop me."

Arnav looked back startled and Lavanya chuckled. "Oh I knew alright that being the gentleman that you are you would do exactly that and I know you'll always be there for me and blah blah so don't bother giving me that break-up speech either." Lavanya said rolling her eyes.

"Hey cheeky! I wasn't going to give you one. In fact I was hoping I'd be at the receiving end of that speech."

"Nah, you won't get any trash talk from me. If you are ever in trouble, call 911 and not me."

"Lavanya you break my heart with your insensitivity! I think I am going to lock myself up in my room and cry into my pillow."

"And to think I was dating a man...Sheeesh!"

They both started laughing. Arnav came towards her and hugged her tight and Lavanya hugged him back as tears pricked at the back of her eyes. No, the tears would have to wait till she was alone again.

Song: I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt