OS: Shadows from the Past (Chap 12, Pg. 117, Note, Pg. 130, VM Pg 131) - Page 53

Sitting all by herself now, almost two weeks later, she was lost in deep thought, even smiling to herself forgetting that she was in the Emergency ward in the middle of her shift. She was rudely awakened by Nurse Janki Bai who was now introducing a patient who had just arrived. It was a lady whose little son had a deep gash in his foot and she seemed to be pregnant as well. After tending to her little boy Nidhi sat back in her chair. Her thoughts immediately shifted to Anji. She had barely recovered from the accident victim's trauma when Anji had got a scare, and that had scared her even more...

Dr. Ashutosh walked back into his cabin, sat down heavily in his chair, took a few big gulps of water from his glass, loosened his tie and finally breathed a sigh of relief. "Phew!! The last of the train accident victims was finally out of the ICU having been successfully treated. Thank God!" They were being shifted into the regular wards, a full 10 days after that nightmarish, freak accident! An accident that not only tested all their professional abilities to the max but seemed to have impacted their personal lives as well. It was times like these that made him wonder why he was still hanging around doing what he did. Why did he not quit and retire to a peaceful life somewhere in the hills? He had enough money to do so! But on the heels of this came another thought, a more pleasant one, "After all, hanging around in this profession and working in this hospital is how I met Nidhi! I would not trade that for anything! Seems like working here did have some fringe benefits after all!" He huffed out a dry laugh and acknowledged that her very presence in this hospital helped keep his spirits high. But thoughts about Nidhi also reminded him of how the events of the last 10 days, first the accident, then Anji had affected her more than him and on many levels. It seemed to have robbed some of that enthusiasm that Nidhi exhibited at all times and had made her more contemplative. She had been very stressed, unlike the bubbly Nidhi he had come to know and love. These incidents had brought forth a lot of buried emotions from her side, revealed some of that latent vulnerability that she managed to keep suppressed, and as a result he felt as if Nidhi had grown and matured a lot, both as a woman and as a doctor. "She has certainly gained ample professional experience handling the emergency as the intern on duty in the Emergency and Trauma ward." Her dedication and endurance had been tested to the hilt. "I am proud of you Nidhi, very proud that you sailed through these testing times with flying colors!" He also made a mental note to check her duty sheets and personal file. As her Dean it was his duty to make sure she was on track to complete her internship and he suspected that she was now very close to that finish line. "God! Has it been only two weeks since we celebrated Valentine's Day? Seems as if eons have passed since then!"

Everything had looked so rosy and cheerful that day. Nidhi had loved all his gifts and surprises. He had succeeded in startling her with all the arrangements he had made and he was supremely glad of himself for making an effort to do something for her on Valentine's Day. Her response to him, her loving gestures were all the gifts he had needed in return. He would cherish them forever. In the days and especially nights that followed she had been openly receptive of his advances and their nights had never been better, making all his efforts entirely worthwhile. He had to admit that part of it was due to to their new-found closeness after his confession about a month back. "Thank you Nidhi for listening to me ranting and raving about Baba's desertion and what it did to me. I have never revealed all this to another living soul. You are the first and now I am glad I told you. Thank you so much Nidhi! Because of that I now feel that I can openly share all my emotions, happiness, anguish with you. Your love and understanding has succeeded in breaking down the last of my barriers. And what is better, I now know you can understand me, my thoughts and my feelings very nicely." He was feeling greatly relieved of a huge burden that had enabled him to be more appreciative of Nidhi and more attuned to her as well.

And that took him back to that dreadful accident once again. Nidhi's first loss of her patient, her breakdown in his cabin and then her raging mental turmoil that she had kept so well hidden from everyone. Her emotional outburst when they had finally got home still shook him. He would never forget those words, "But its true, as a daughter I now realize that sometimes I will miss my mother. I have experienced that. And sometimes I get worried wondering if I would be a real mother? What if I don't know how? Even if I have seen Aunty and Anji, I have personally not experienced that kind of love...the type of mother I will be will be purely instinctive...and sometimes these thoughts worry me." He had never expected Nidhi to carry such emotional baggage. He had always perceived her to be balanced and emotionally very stable, someone who was completely secure with her life, and her family. Only now he knew a side to her that she had kept so well hidden from all, a side that he now realized made her similar to him at least in one respect. And he admitted that it could be this similarity that drew them to each other. "How did I not see this before. Like me Nidhi is a motherless child! While I do not know my mother, how she looked or even her name, Nidhi knew all that and yet she did not know her mother at all. All she has are photos, a few snippets of information from her family about her mother and of course her mother's name... But she has no recollection of the physical time spent with her mother or what they did together." These last ten days had been a litmus test for Nidhi. After that outpouring, he had tried to understand her vulnerability some more. A few months back, when she had wanted to wait before getting pregnant and had opted to rejoin work, he had whole-heartedly agreed to wait. He knew he had to help her finish her education and had assumed that that had been the only driving factor for her. He had thought that after all that had happened with Mallika, Nidhi had needed time to recover and regain her confidence in herself and also in him, even though she had never expressed such a thing. After all, after everything he had done long ago, he owed her at least this. It was the very least he could do to assuage his guilt. He had not in a million years anticipated that Nidhi could have some doubts about her capability in being a mother, doubts that were inadvertently brewing in her mind and were sub-consciously holding her back. But his desire to father a child was always burning within, ever since DB managed to rekindle it. Since then he had satisfied this urge by playing or chatting with the children in the children's ward or visiting the maternity ward. And he was under the impression that no one, least of all Nidhi, ever saw this. But he was wrong once more. She had yet again succeeded in surprising him yesterday when they had another conversation on their way back home and he had realized that Nidhi had seen and understood a lot more than what he had given her credit for. And all because of Anji, who was now admitted in their hospital...

Nidhi's day was turning out to be emotionally exhausting, full of conflicting emotions, her thoughts were ranging from her confusion last month to Valentine's day to the train accident and now Anji... The pregnant lady and her little son had left a little while back, but not before they had succeeded in reminding Nidhi of Anji. Anji... her best friend and sister all rolled into one was now admitted in the hospital in the maternity ward with some complications to her pregnancy. All this started three days back, when she had finally managed to emerge out of the shock of losing her first patient and was slowly regaining her lost confidence, of course with ample help from Dr. Ashutosh. In fact he had insisted she be his intern for his next two surgeries and she suspected it was his way of helping after her setback. They had both been in the OT together when Anji had been brought in and admitted in their maternity ward. After changing out of the scrubs they had been on their way to the canteen for a refreshing cup of tea when they had seen entire family standing in front of the OT in the maternity ward...

Nidhi: "Baba, DB... All of you here? What is the matter?"

Just then Dr. Ranganath came towards them...

Nidhi: "Dr. Ranganath, what is it? Why is everyone here and looking so worried?"

Dr. Ranganath: "Its... its Anji...She..."

And he could not continue, but she could see the tears he was trying to suppress and the fear in his eyes. And he averted his face trying not to let anyone see his condition. But Shyama Aunty, who had followed Dr. Ranganath out of the ward quickly came to his rescue...

Shyama: "Nidhi... Beta, its Anji. She suddenly developed very painful cramping and bleeding as well. Luckily Jamai babu was at home, so we rushed her here without wasting any time. And thank God we did."

Nidhi: "Anji... Anji! Aunty, what... what are you saying? What happened to Anji? Is it the baby, is it something to do with the baby? But how is that possible, everything was fine even yesterday. I spoke to her as I do every day and she said so. Even her last tests were normal... Aunty, DB, please someone please explain. Say something, what happened to Anji?"

That's when she had felt Dr. Ashutosh's hand on her shoulder. Till that moment she had not realized that her voice had been steadily getting louder and louder...

Dr. Ashutosh: "Nidhi, calm down. Let them talk."

His timely words had stopped her tirade. She now realized that she was on the verge of getting hysterical...

Shyama: "Well, we admitted her straight away. Just some time back an examination was done. You both were in the OT then. After the examination her OB-GYN told us that Anji has developed a tear in the uterus. It is a very rare condition, especially for first time mothers to develop. You understand all this Nidhi... As a doctor you know all this. This sort of thing usually supposed to happen when someone had a Caesarian or some other operation in the uterus before, but Anji... this is an extremely rare situation..."

Nidhi: "So Aunty, what happened? How is Anji and the baby? What is happening in there now?"

Shyama: "Well, they immediately did surgery and put some sutures to hold the tear. But Anji is only half way through her pregnancy and taking the baby out now is not an option. So they have decided to let her continue with it but she has been put on complete bed rest for the remaining duration of her pregnancy or at least till she recovers completely. But even then she may be allowed to walk only a few steps. But at least she and her baby are safe now. They expect that with bed rest she will be able to carry the baby till 36 weeks and then they can perform a Caesarian at that point which is perfectly safe."

Nidhi slumped down in the nearest chair with her hand on her mouth. She was stunned. "What is going on? Suddenly, everything was changing... I have to see Anji right now!" As soon as that thought came to her, she got up, purpose written all over her face. She thought of Anji, her excitement at her pregnancy, her glowing face from a few days ago danced before her eyes and she felt tears prick them...

Nidhi: "Have you seen her Aunty? Can I see her, talk to her? Is she awake?"

Shyama: "Yes, Nidhi. In fact she would love to see you. She asked for you and I told her you were in the OT. So go ahead, she is awake now."

And a dazed Nidhi had walked in to the ward only to see her friend lying listless on the bed, equal degrees of worry and fear clearly etched on her face...

That had been three days back and Anji had been advised to remain in the hospital, under observation for a few days. Since then everything was proceeding as well as could be expected with her pregnancy and so she would be discharged tomorrow. In the meantime she had been spending every available free time with Anji. Just yesterday, upon entering her ward she noticed that Anji was awake and reading a book on pregnancy...

Anji: "Hi, Nidhi. Have you finished your duty for today? When are you going home?"

Nidhi: "Yes. I am waiting for Dr. Ashutosh who at this moment happens to be in a management meeting with your husband. As soon as he is done I will whisk him away and leave, so you can have your husband back and all to yourself."

And the two friends giggled like old times forgetting all their troubles or a few moments. But when Anji had some discomfort due to this the two friends sobered immediately.

Nidhi: "Anji, what is all this. How can all this happen to you? You are so fine and fit! Everything was going fine!"

Anji: "Nidhi, it so happens that you are the doctor and you are asking me. Instead you need to tell me what is going on. And anyways, I have been told that sometimes things are not within our control. And even with the best of care things can go wrong at any time and no one is to be blamed."

Nidhi: "Yes, I am the doctor, aren't I? But sadly, this doctor is unable to help her best friend when in need... What is the use of all the medial knowledge Anji?"

Anji: "Hey Nidhi, don't be so hard on yourself. You know these things can happen to anyone..."

Nidhi: "Yes Anji. And for the first time it has made me wonder that even though I know all this in theory, pregnancy really is such a case by case thing. Though I have seen many pregnant patients, you are the first one whose pregnancy I am following at close quarters, whose pregnancy personally affects me. Even though I have read about such complications I have never witnessed them until now. With you like this it makes me wonder..."

Anji: "What are you thinking Nidhi?"

Nidhi: "You know Anji, almost a month ago I was wondering if I was doing the right thing by making Dr. Ashutosh wait to have a family. And then I felt it was indeed correct as I needed, no wanted to finish this internship and complete my degree. But now...."

Anji: "Now what Nidhi? What are you feeling now? You know I feel you are simply getting scared for nothing. Becoming a mother is a natural progression for any woman and if you think too much you will never find the courage to go for it. So, do what your heart tells you, go with your instinct."

Nidhi: "Is that what you did Anji? Go with your instinct? Do you regret it, now that you maybe spending the rest of your pregnancy in bed."

Anji: "No Nidhi! I can never regret my decision. At this time all I am thinking and praying for every minute is that I want this baby to be safe and healthy. Nothing should happen to it and I am willing to pay any price to accomplish it. You know Nidhi, I think this feeling comes with the territory of being a mother. Your first instinct becomes saving your child at any personal cost. A few months back I would not have reacted this way or told you all this, but now... I think in some ways we get 9 months to prepare ourselves. The same goes for a man as well, it gives him time too to mentally prepare himself for becoming a father. I don't think any woman is ever ready to be a mother till she becomes pregnant. So you are not the only one like that. And once she becomes pregnant, all her thoughts are concentrated on that child, its safety, its well-being and so on... so Nidhi, if you feel that you want to have a baby, give your love a new identity then do it and don't think so much. Go ahead and try to have that baby as much as for yourself as for Jeejaji. If you want to have a baby only for his sake, because you feel guilty for taking this time, then don't, you are not ready as yet and you will not enjoy it then. It may end up becoming the biggest mistake in your life rather than the biggest joy. I may be in bed for the next few months but I can assure you Nidhi that even in this condition I am going to enjoy every step of the process and experience every little change as this baby grows bigger."

Seeing that Nidhi was on the verge of tears...

Anji: "Hey, Nidhi. What happened? Why these tears? I am so sorry I am making you cry like this!"

Nidhi: "No, no Anji. Don't worry, its not you. But Thank you. Thank you for helping me get a clear picture. Finally, I am able to think straight. And for the last few days I have been coming to the same conclusion myself. I have seen how much Dr. Ashutosh wants a baby and when I was on rotation in the maternity ward I closely observed those patients. Since then I have started getting this feeling that I was missing something and now after hearing you I know what it is... So Thank you Anji."

And she held Anji's hand and squeezed it. In response Anji placed her other palm on hers...

Anji: "Nidhi, since when have you started saying thank you to me! And that to, so many times!"

Nidhi: With a giggle, "When you became the more mature one and started talking big philosophy! No, but seriously Anji, ever since I got to know that my accident patient sustained such major injuries trying to save her daughter, I have started feeling the power of being a mother. It makes you selfless, isn't it?, when you put your child ahead of your own welfare, a lot similar to what you are doing now. But her death had raised questions in my head. You know Anji, even with Aunty and DB around me all the time, there have been times when I have missed my mother, when I have felt lonely and yearned for her."

Anji: "And that is how it should be Nidhi. Its natural. You can never forget the woman who gave birth to you. Even with others around you, there will be times when you will miss your mother. Sometimes I feel this is more so with a daughter than a son."

Nidhi: "I felt bad for that little girl then thinking she will be facing the same situation like me. I even questioned if I could be a good mother, if I would know how to be one... But now, when I heard you talk, I felt I was seeing the other side of the coin. I was seeing things from a mother's perspective. And I must confess I feel very deeply about it now. The feeling that I used to have in the maternity ward has only intensified. Anji, I think I am ready now, and I want to have a child as much for myself as for him."

Anji: "Then go Nidhi. Go and talk to Jeejaji and tell him what you feel. He deserves to know... All the best!"

The two friends laughed, hugged and wiped each other tears. They talked some more when both their phones rang simultaneously! No points for guessing who the callers were! Just like she had promised Anji as soon as both their husbands walked in, she departed in haste with Dr. Ashutosh in tow. But not in a million years did she anticipate the conversation she was about to have in the car...

As Nidhi sat thinking about that conversation in the car yesterday, she realized that it was a milestone. Just then her phone pinged with an incoming message...

Dr. Ashutosh: "Are you ready to leave? Any more patients in E&T?"

Nidhi: "No, none for now. I can leave in a few."

Dr. Ashutosh: "Ok, meet you at the front in 15 minutes."

Nidhi: "Ok. Love you. :)"

Dr. Ashutosh: "Me too."

She smiled as she kept her phone down. This was another aspect where there was improvement in their relationship. In this last month, ever since her husband's confession they had openly and more frequently said those magical words. Somehow it seemed easier to do so now. With that thought started furiously cleaning her space and putting back all the equipment and medicines that she had used. She also made sure all the charts were updated. She had been maintaining them religiously and so it was taken care of quickly. As it happened this was her last week in this department and today being Saturday it was her last day here. Come Monday and she would have a new assignment. As her hands were busy working she reflected back on the conversation she had with Dr. Ashutosh in the car last night...

TO BE CONTINUED...

Friends, one again I apologize for the delay between chapters. Since I started m new job, time has been scarce and I have not been able to devote as much time to this OS as I would like. Hence a heartfelt thanks for your patience.

And thank you in advance for reading this chapter as well. Once again your comments and responses are most welcome. And please kindly hit the 'LIKE' button if you liked the update... 😃