Dear friends, after being on the IF for more than 3 years as a silent reader, I have given in to temptation from a very dear friend and encouragements from few other friends and present to you my very first OS. This one shot is the outcome of my unfulfilled expectation on Arnav's redemption track. Without further rambling, here I present "Living in the Past"
The business class cabin is as usual silent, with some working away on their laptop, some others busy with some in-flight movie, while a few others just snoring away. The moon is shining away brightly outside the cabin window, as the British Airways flight is heading towards its destination, New Delhi. As I look into the dusky sky, the silence that has surrounded the atmosphere is unmistakable. What was once welcome, is now somewhat eerie. Yes, the silence I used to like, but not anymore. Life has never been the same after she stumbled her way into my arms so many years ago. I am on my way back home after yet another 'escapism from reality' attempt I undertake when I become uncomfortable and unhappy with myself and feel the need to vent out the frustrations of my limitations and deficiencies into self chosen loneliness than on those who I love.
"Would you like to have something Sir?" I open my eyes to answer the cabin attendant, "A black coffee without sugar". "Sure Sir" and with that she leaves me to my thoughts once again.
It's been long ago, but fresh in my mind as if it happened yesterday. The problem is I can't seem to forget, when the whole world conveniently has, all those ill treatments that I dished out to her only because I was not brave enough to face the reality. I, Arnav Malik, who was once a happy go lucky boy, turned into a hardcore selfish, ruthless and stone hearted Arnav Singh Raizada overnight with nothing but betrayal and hatred left to fill his heart and love and compassion to vanish forever. May be that was what I thought as success after success slowly started masquerading me into my new identity about which I was so proud, until she fell into my arms from the sky.
I can't remember the first emotion that washed me at that moment when she looked right into my eyes like the proverbial deer caught in the headlights, but whatever it was, I was not comfortable, for it seemed to have evoked something in the left side of my cardio thoracic region that long since seemed to have lost any other function other than to pump blood. A momentary resurgence of old Arnav trait was enough for ASR to resurface and thus began a tale of passionate hatred towards the most innocent soul I have ever seen in my entire existence.
The one thing I have never learnt to accept is failure. The moment she came back with a retort to my acidic words that night in Sheesh Mahal, I knew I had to break her and that determination that shone brightly in her eyes, for my own sanity. I insulted her virtue, stopped her jiji's marriage, defamed her, chased her from her hometown, belittled her at every available occasion, threw her financial situation on her face, called her names, some of which intentionally, most of them unintentionally, but nothing, just nothing could break her spirit. Arnav Singh Raizada, who has cracked hundreds and thousands of deals could not even drill a hole in her will power. And for the first time I started getting a taste of failure. I didn't like it a bit.
"Your black coffee, Sir!", the cabin attendant is rewarded with a "Thank you!" Did I just thank someone? I smiled to myself. I am reminded of the scandalous look Aman gave me when I said my first thanks to him for one of those innumerable favors he does. Hariprakash once almost fainted hearing my sorry for asking for a second black coffee and troubling him during midnight when a project proposal was giving me a sleepless night.
Amidst all the silly and not so silly things we did to each other, I didn't realize when she became an integral part of my thoughts refusing to let me live in peace. Suddenly I felt something changed between us. It was creepy how I could sense her presence even before she made her appearance. The pull kept on growing between us steadily. And what her tears did to me was beyond my comprehension. But the monster in me kept showing its nasty head every now and then and I watched silently as she took the brunt of my apprehensive nature, the worst outcome about which I loathe myself about till date is the way I broke her on that fateful Diwali eve. But something permanently shifted in me when I came to know of her engagement. Call me a sadist, but I did a little happy jig inside when she told me about her broken engagement. Believe it or not, in the middle of all the cat fights we had, we still managed to know a little about each other.
The following days made the best phase in my life, the courtship days of Payal and Akash. The days just breezed through as my heart emerged from its dormancy amidst stolen glances, jealousy about her friendship with NK and schemed kisses. I did not deny the attraction and she was confused by my changed personality.
But everything drastically changed on Payal and Akash's wedding. She once again became a victim of not only my then jijaji's schemes but also to my distrust and anger. Her life long dream of a big fat wedding was burnt to ashes when I very unceremoniously made her my contract wife to save my di's marriage and my burning soul.
"Ladies and Gentlmen, we have now landed in The Indira Gandhi International Airport, New Delhi. The temperature outside is approximately 13 degree Celsius. You can now switch on your electronic devices. However please remain seated until the seatbelt sign is turned off. You can collect your baggages from belt 3 in terminal 2. Thank you for flying British Airways. Looking forward to having you on board again. Hope you have a pleasant stay in Delhi".
As I alight the aircraft and board the bus to be taken to the arrival terminal, I go back to my thoughts. While I think about the necessity to extend my stay in London by a couple of days, I remind myself the reason behind this trip. Although I gave her a wedding she had always dreamt of later after all the misunderstanding were cleared following a lot of love-hate clashes and a straight-from-Bollywood style kidnapping drama, it is the memory of that ill-fated day on which I forcefully married her that has stuck to my mind refusing my conscience to forgive myself. And for the past five years, I have been doing what comes to me the best, running away.
Lost in my thoughts, I proceed towards the arrival gate, with check-in baggage to be collected, I stop dead in my tracks looking at a vision in red right in front of me.
"Khushi" I manage to whisper as she leaps into my waiting arms. Unnerved by the curious glances from people around, she looks at me to her heart's content and says with a relief, "Arnavji".
She is still dressed in her party wear and I guess she has left the party midway to receive me. As we settle at the back seat of Maximus (that's what she calls my white SUV, after she saw that ridiculous fairy tale movie, Tangled), I tell her "You needn't have come, it's so late". She gives me a reproachful look and replies "I know, but I wanted to come" stating the obvious.
"How was the party? Akash must be disappointed that I missed it this year too"
"Deliberately"
I look at her in silence for a few moments before I say in a voice, that could barely pass as a mere whisper, "I don't know what you are talking about"
She tried to ape me by lifting an eyebrow at me, though unsuccessfully, and I give up, smiling at her antic, despite myself.
"Khushi! I..."
"It's okay, Arnavji, Hum jaante hain (I know)" and with that she leans onto my shoulder and fills me details of the past couple of days' events, while I listen in silent anxiety.
As Maximus nears Shantivan, my anxiety increases in anticipation to meet the most important Raizada of our lives. As if on cue, Di is waiting at the end of the drive way with the object of my restlessness. As I get down from the car, Vandana Raizada, my angel daughter, with a delighted squeal, leaps into my arms to shower my face with her drool and kisses. The name of our daughter was my choice, as a dedication to my love for my wife which has become nothing less than worship for me. The next couple of hours passes in the company of a thoroughly exhausted, yet willing family, belated wishes and gifts to Akash and Payal, Vandana's antics and lots of laughter. It is almost midnight when the family retires for the night.
As I freshen myself and come out of the bathroom, khushi is singing that blasted song as a pathetic excuse of a lullaby and Vandana choosing to fall fast asleep than to listen to a rather off key "Aaj mausam hai suhana, jiji aur jijaji ke saal gira ka bahana, what the, what the, what the".
I smile and shake my head amusedly at her before settling at the poolside chair. She joins me a little later with a duvet and settles besides me covering both of us with the duvet.
"You have to let go of the past, Arnavji"
"I am trying Khushi. This year, I came at least before the day ended and wished them, unlike the last few years. But how did you guess that I have been avoiding their wedding anniversary?"
Noticing a pained expression on my face, she quickly adds, "Well I am not Khushi Kumari Gupta Singh Raizada for no reason. You don't have to tell me, I just know"
"How did you forgive me so easily, Khushi, when I am unable to forgive myself for " she shuts me up in the best way that I had taught her, drawing me into a deep kiss. After a sudden thought, she asks, "Arnavji, the nightmares? Are they still about Ma?" Is there anything that can escape Khushi' sharp brain, I wonder. I sigh resignedly, "only sometimes, but it is predominately that dreadful night when I dragged you up the temple stairs with nothing but contempt in my heart and" I struggle for words, I continue in a broken voice, "the suppressed guilt suddenly surfaced closer to Akash and Payal's first wedding anniversary, when mamiji mentioned good humouredly that we have actually two wedding anniversaries in a year. I felt like I was just whipped. The nightmares started which were mostly visions of how i threatened you to marry me, dragged you to the temple, mocked at your beliefs in rituals, unceremoniously tied the mangalsutra around your neck and threw you out into cold night on the poolside. I will remember the look of hurt in your eyes that night for the rest of my life. Nightmares are nothing new to me Khushi, i have had them all my life. but those which reflected my own evilness are ripping my soul. It was my fortune that you are so, strong hearted and took every cruelty in your stride and never lost hope in us. But for my shortsightedness, you wouldn't have suffered so much. What if something had happened to you. I wouldn't have survived. I would have d....".
"Sshh! Arnavji, it's in the past, and I have told you that it doesn't matter anymore. It's five years since that day Arnavji. Although you did what you did on an impulse, you have always loved me, you have told me so many times and I have always known that in my heart. Nothing else matters. I have forgotten the past. You should too, Arnavji. Living in the memory of the bitter past will mar the beauty of the present".
With that we fall into a comfortable silence gazing at our favorite stars. As I draw my strength from her firm hold on my hand, I recount her words. My past made me what I was, years back. Despite the gains, the losses would have been too many had it not been for Khushi's patience, perseverance and above everything else, her unshakeable trust in her love and mine. She is right, I have to stop living in the past and learn to live with it. And Arnav Singh Raizada doesn't repeat his mistakes. Later as I look at the innocent face of my wife sleeping peacefully besides my angel, I can't help but think about how my life has changed and for the best. I promised myself that I will leave behind the scary nightmares of the past, some caused by others and some created by myself and give both my angels the happiness that they deserve. I fall into a dreamless sleep as a new day is waiting to dawn with loads of promises of a a bright and happy future.
Note: This OS is dedicated to Vandana.Sagar. Without her, I would never have gathered enough courage to write. I owe it you bigtime dear. I can't thank Parveenharry enough for making the wonderful banner and thereby making my debut memorable. She has been a constant source of support. I welcome appreciations and criticisms equally, although hope for good comments being a debutant and all, you know. Over to you guys!
Pls check page 25 for a poem by Vandana.
http://www.india-forums.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=3755665&TPN=25
193