I was in two minds whether to write anything today, as I have been busy with a more important task. But since 90% of the forum seems to have caught that rare fever, dengue tigerensis, which produces delusions of a tiger attack on a beloved person😉, I thought some prophylactic measures might be in order, whence this post.
Now I have a son, Sasha aka Siddhartha, who is only slightly less stubborn and know-it-all than Jalal, and only a bit older, so I am familiar with this variety of the young male psyche. I thus decided to give Jalal (towards whom I feel very protective these days, seeing how many determined females of assorted ages in this forum are out to make mincemeat of him😉) some good advice as to how to turn the tiger encounter, which is clearly in the offing, to his advantage. Moreover, he is, on the basis of recent evidence, much more likely than Sasha to take sound advice and profit by it.
So I wrote to him thus:
My dear Jalal (not Shahenshah, as I am old enough to be your mother and, at a pinch, with early marriages in your era, even your dadijaan),
I have watched in steadily mounting exasperation as you make a mess of every chance you get to bring that akdu baddimaag Begum Jodha of yours to order.
Instead, she is running rings round you, and you barely escaped having that expensive glass vase hurled at your head yesterday. Yes, I know you have guaranteed turban protection, and a very thick head underneath, but it might have shaken up your already scrambled grey matter and made a bad omelette of it😉. Which would never do for the future welfare of your millions of subjects.
So, while your artisans are melting the glass pieces and making an identical vase with which you can get the better of Jodha, you clearly need some lessons in how to handle obstinate and spoilt young women who do not know what is good for them. And that is You, bewakoof bachche!
So pay close attention, and I will tell you how to tackle the tiger in the offing with maximum effect and minimum damage (to yourself, of course). This will be the first in a series of lessons, so save this in the 16th century equivalent of a hard drive for future reference, just in case the tiger seeks a postponement.
1) Make sure the tiger goes after her first. Wait till the very last moment, to make sure that the wretched girl is really scared to death, and cannot say, after you have rescued her at great risk to life and limb,
Yeh kaunsi badi baat thi, Shahenshah? Hamare Amer mein to bachche bhi bagh ko dande se bhaga dete hain, toh aapko use parajit karne me itna vilamb aur itni kathinayi kyon huyi?
2) Push her behind you and advance a good way from her and towards the tiger, which will be stunned at the vision of a man actually coming towards him. More important, Jodha cannot then hear what is going on between the two of you.😉
3)Look the tiger in the eye, and tell him: Mere bhai, aap bhi bahadur aur hum bhi, isliye aapko ek achchi salah deta hoon. Is aurat ko mat khayiye. Ye abhi bahar se hi mujhe roz jhagda kar karke pagal bana rahi hai, to sochiye aapka andar se kya haal karegi?
4)The tiger will turn tail and run for his life. But before he does that, ask him, as a quid pro quo, to wrestle with you for a couple of minutes, and inflict 3 bad gashes on your arms and chest, calibrated to bleed heavily and picturesquely without causing any lasting damage.
5)You can then pick up your fainting begum and return to your camp in triumph. Make sure that as soon as you have deposited her on whatever is available, you collapse artistically on the ground, with blood all over you, and await further developments with your eyes strategically closed.
I can guarantee that this will work, provided you do exactly as I have told you. Apne dimaag par zor dene ki koyi zaroorat nahin. Is ladki se joojhte joojthe aapka tez dimaag sunn pad gaya hai, nahin to Sujanpur me jo hashar hua, wo kabhi nahin hota!
No need to thank me either, but I shall wait and see if you have followed my instructions to the letter before deciding whether to help you in the future, so watch out!
Yours affectionately,
Shyamala Aunty
Smoke and Mirrors: Now for the less important matters that form the latter half of the title of this post.
Mahaam Anga: She is not going anywhere any time soon. Not till Adham has been defenestrated, at the very least. From this, it follows that she will slip neatly out of the noose flung around her by the inexpert Jodha, who apparently has no inkling of how a man will react if told, by a wife who displayed acute hostility towards him even half an hour ago, that the mother-figure who has always been the sheet anchor of his life, and to whom he has owed his very existence time and again, is guilty of extinguishing the life of his unborn child.
Jodha can never be accused of a having any imagination, even less the ability to put herself in the other person's shoes and to try to think as he would😉. So, she very likely does nor spare even a moment to imagine how Jalal will receive this fell news, and instead barges straight into his aaramgah with Rahim in tow, full of her momentous and, as she imagines it, clinching discovery. Miss Marple in top form would be nothing to apni Jodha!
But when Rahim, as the SBS segment apparently shows, is paralysed with fright when confronted with the Shahenshah, and runs dry when Jalal commands him to speak up, she is stranded and left high and dry.
When Mahaam Anga, joining in the fray and fresh from the dry run with Adham the other day, turns on the heat and launches into an ironically self-accusatory peroration, expanding on the parts shown in the precap, and hinting obliquely at the folly of believing in the fantasies of a child's vivid imagination, Jalal's reaction is a foregone conclusion. And who shall blame him?
Having won this round,and in style, Mahaam Anga must be already reserving a second line of defence in her mind, copying the Mullah Beqazi template. That whole segment about Gulbadan Begum in the throes of the composition of the Humayun Nama, with the Mullah Beqazi impersonation of the dead Emperor Humayun underlined repeatedly, was obviously inserted there for a purpose. Look forward to Mahaam producing the doppelganger theory at some opportune moment in the future, citing the Mullah Beqazi example as both illustrative and decisive.
So Jodha, as in the fable of the Three Little Pigs, can huff and puff all she wants to, but she cannot blow down Mahaam's house, anchored as it is in the bedrock of Jalal's unconditional love and trust for his Badiammi. She will thus end up, not where she started from, but a good ten steps behind, barely escaping another sazaa, not a jawaab, for this latest harkat of hers.
Kanha, who is antaryami, must have quickly readjusted his ear plugs to cope with the torrent of angry protests in which Jodha is bound to deluge him.
Kanch ke karigaron ki beizzati: The Shahi Kaanch ke Karigaron ka Sanghatan of of Agra is staging a formal protest to the Shahenshah against the beizzati to which they have been subjected, by having a priceless specimen of their art wantonly reduced to smithereens by an angry begum. This would, they insist, give their potential customers the false impression that their products were substandard and not fit for the Shahi household. Their livelihoods would be badly affected for no fault of theirs. The Mughal empire's export trade figures for glass objets d'art would also take a downturn. They demand justice and corrective action.
The Shahenshah, while receiving them in the Diwan-e-Aam, and acknowledging the validity of their plaints, promises to give them the opportunity to recover their prestige and in fact enhance it, by melting the selfsame glass pieces and using them to recreate a bowl that would be the exact copy of the smashed one. They accept the challenge right willingly and disperse, praising the Shahenshah.
Jodha: Returning to her khwabgah in a state of suppressed fury, Jodha Begum looks around in vain for something more to throw that could be reduced to a satisfactory heap of rubble. Baulked of this outlet for her bruised feelings, she is reduced to muttering dire imprecations under her breath:
Apne aap ko kya samajhte hain yeh Shahehshah? Ek to is Rahim ne sahi samay par mera saath chhod diya, aur main unke samaksha jhooti ban gayi. Aur to aur, unki Badiammi ne atyant chaturayi se mujhe apne shabdon ke chakravyuh mein uljha diya, jis se mein apne aap ko mukht hi nahin kar payi. Anth mein, mujhe Shahehshah ke krodh se bachne ka natak karke, unki drishti mein aur bhi vishwaspaatra ban gayi. Ab kya karoon mein?
Aaj to Kanha, aapne mere saath kitna dukhdaayi vyavahaar kiya hai! Kya apni itni mahaan bhakt ko aisi peedha dena aapko shobha deta hai, Kanha? (Kahna readjusts his earplugs and starts snoozing).
Ek to maine itni bahumoolya vastu todi, is ummeed mein ki tab to unhe samjh aayegi ki hum par kya beeth rahi hai, aur hamein manane ka thoda to aur prayas karenge. Par unhon ne kya kiya? Mujhe ek aur dhamki deke chale gaye.
Ek shabd bhi nahin kaha ki : Jodha, hamse galti ho gayi, hamein kshama kar do. Agar thoda sa jhuk kar humse kshama mang hi lete, to kya bigad jata unki shahenshahwale guroor ka? Par inko to akadke rehne aur dhamki dene ke siva kucch bhi nahin aata!
Haan, par jootiyaan to dhyan se utaari thi is baar. Aur aarti bhi bina sankoch ke aur sahi dhang se le liya tha. Lete samay, humein dekh bhi rahe the; hum ne aankhon ke kone se dekh liya tha. Par jab humne unke aane ka kaaran poocha, yeh soch ke ki kuchch sahi kehne aaye hain, to wo dibbi aage kar di.
Bas jootiyaan utaarne ke liye unke itne sare avagunon ko hum kaise kshama kar dein? Kabhi nahin!!
And so on and on and on. Exactly like a Mills and Boon heroine 4 centuries down the years. Oh Jodha, my Jodha, when will you learn to read a man, even such an akdu Shahenshah, inside out, which is the first step to making him dance to your tune?
So, folks, en avant! The tiger, who is very strict about not working overtime, awaits!
Shyamala B.Cowsik
PS: Those of you who have got this far intact have a treat in store for them. Please see Riyya's delightful JA: Tiger Attacks Guide at
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