Parents' attitude can make a marriage unhealthy

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Mahadevan Venkitaraman

@maha2us

Voyager

Posted: 12 years ago

Hi Friends,

This is an important reason why problems could occur in marriages. Especially this is the case of males. Till the day a man is married he could see nothing going wrong in his relationship with his parents especially his mom. But then a day comes when a man is married and he has a wife with him. This event is enough to make his mother insecure. She has to share the love her son has with another woman. At times it becomes also possible, the mother is an insecure and a scared person. In that case, things will become so bitter. (This is something her husband doesn't know.) All on a sudden the man finds his mother yelling at him and behaving hysterically. He has no idea why she behaves that way. Other times, whenever the mother gets a chance she could blame his wife. Things become bitter when the man believes his mother and not his wife. This could become a possibility because he is brought up with a view that what mother tells is always right. Also his mom can cite how much sacrifice she has done to him and how much she did to bring him up. His dad who will really be a old person and one who needs his mom's support would only support his mom. And this way, the man develops an unhealthy opinion about his wife. As another point, he could not see everything his wife did as right because he was brought up believing certain things as truths which his wife may not know as she was brought up with different values . While he created his values based on what his parents told, she created values based on what her parents told and so their values don't match. And so the man will see only bad in his wife. This could lead to disasters in marriage? What is the solution here?

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Krani

@Krani

Dazzler

+ 9

Posted: 12 years ago

To be honest, I don't get mothers who turn insecure once their son is married. I mean why get him married in the first place, if you're going to hate his wife for the fact that your son is now a husband.

Anyway, in situations like these the husband needs to take a stand and let the mother know that now he is married and he has responsibilities that of a son and of a husband. He cannot shirk on the responsibilities of a husband just because his mother wants him with her all the time.

The husband needs to be strong about this, because it's unfair on the wife, and it just forms an unhealthy environment in the family.

Edited by Krani - 12 years ago

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return_to_hades

@return_to_hades

Stunner

+ 6

Posted: 12 years ago

Parents attitude is very important to marriage. How parents treat their kids spouses and in-laws can make or break marriages. In relationships people dream "mama's boys" and "daddy's girls".

Socially moms are very protective of their sons. They nurture them and raise them. They don't think any girl is capable of taking care of their boys like they do. They don't like the idea of not pampering their baby boy anymore. Dads are similarly protective about their daughters. They feel no man is good enough to marry his daughter. They feel like they need to protect their baby girls even from the husbands. These are just natural human instincts which just happen in human relationships.

It is OK to love kids and be protective. However, at some point parents need to learn that their kids are grown up. They are no longer their babies and have responsibilities towards their own families. They are mature to fend for themselves and make their own decisions. Sometimes they have to disagree with parents and do something the spouse or kids may want. Kid also need to realize that as much as we ought to love and respect our parents, marriage comes with responsibilities. Your life should be about you and your spouse. Letting parents dictate your life choices even after marriage can affect your marriage. Sometimes you need to put your foot down and tell mom and/or dad to back off politely.

One advantage with arranged marriage is that parents tend to be more receptive of their kids families. With a love marriage, many traditional parents don't warm up to someone who is of a different culture or background or not what they expected. Parents may approve, but adjustment is difficult. So when going for love marriages people should be aware of this extra bridge to cross of dealing with finicky intrusive parents.

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Krani

@Krani

Dazzler

+ 9

Posted: 12 years ago

Originally posted by: return_to_hades

Parents attitude is very important to marriage. How parents treat their kids spouses and in-laws can make or break marriages. In relationships people dream "mama's boys" and "daddy's girls".

Socially moms are very protective of their sons. They nurture them and raise them. They don't think any girl is capable of taking care of their boys like they do. They don't like the idea of not pampering their baby boy anymore. Dads are similarly protective about their daughters. They feel no man is good enough to marry his daughter. They feel like they need to protect their baby girls even from the husbands. These are just natural human instincts which just happen in human relationships.

It is OK to love kids and be protective. However, at some point parents need to learn that their kids are grown up. They are no longer their babies and have responsibilities towards their own families. They are mature to fend for themselves and make their own decisions. Sometimes they have to disagree with parents and do something the spouse or kids may want. Kid also need to realize that as much as we ought to love and respect our parents, marriage comes with responsibilities. Your life should be about you and your spouse. Letting parents dictate your life choices even after marriage can affect your marriage. Sometimes you need to put your foot down and tell mom and/or dad to back off politely.

One advantage with arranged marriage is that parents tend to be more receptive of their kids families. With a love marriage, many traditional parents don't warm up to someone who is of a different culture or background or not what they expected. Parents may approve, but adjustment is difficult. So when going for love marriages people should be aware of this extra bridge to cross of dealing with finicky intrusive parents.

@Bold: Hahaha, trust me that's not the case in all families :P

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boreddamsel

@boreddamsel

Rocker

+ 5

Posted: 12 years ago

Originally posted by: maha2us
While he created his values based on what his parents told, she created values based on what her parents told and so their values don't match. And so the man will see only bad in his wife. This could lead to disasters in marriage? What is the solution here?

This can be fixed only by communication. When the man sees bad in his wife, he needs to try and figure out why that situation arose. They need to try and sort out the differences as a couple, understand where their values don't match and decide on what compromises they both need to make to make sure they both are happy as a couple and as individuals. The couple need to realize that its their life, their decisions and mistakes to make, not their parents! Parents are there for guidance and support, but not for running your life!

I wrote this and later remembered cases where this has gone to the extreme, where husbands listen to their wives and ignore his parents! Kids do need to understand that after marriage, they are taking on a new role, apart from the old roles they had as children and siblings .. and so they shouldn't completely ignore the old roles and the responsibilities! So now that sounds confusing doesn't it 😛 Well you need to strike a balance .. only then can you prevent insecurities. Keep your parents and your spouse happy, make them realize that you love them both .. loving one doesn't mean you love the other any less! Parents and spouses need to understand the same thing .. for example, mommies should understand that just because their son likes his wife's cooking doesn't mean he doesn't like theirs anymore 🤔 Someone should make a show .. stupid issues MILs have! 😛

I underlined both, 'coz that is key. If only one person compromises, that person will remain unhappy and the marriage will be unsuccessful. Such marriages might not always end in divorce, 'coz sometimes the person who makes the compromise makes one more compromise (of their happiness) and stays in this unhealthy marriage and suffers! It is hard, because you both might have been brought up with different values and have different habits, but that doesn't mean you don't even try. They need to try much as they can, and if it doesn't work, they need to end the relation and find someone whose values match theirs!

Edited by boreddamsel - 12 years ago