ArHi FF! Gravity - Thread 1 - [Completed] - Page 76

Love it ...it was heart breakingly beautiful...everything is so messed up but in this chaos there are moments which are too beautiful to let go...the sister talk...crossing the road hand in hand...friends call me la...really thanks for the update ...
Cant wait for more...

Chapter 18: Little bit of Frost and a lone spark

Like dreams, one realized that they were in love when they were in middle of it. You don't remember when it started, how it started or how you have arrived at such a point but you just know that you are in love. It wasn't like that for me. I knew the moment we both burst into laughter after reading a lame joke that I was in love with him.

I enjoyed being sixteen. I loved being sixteen. When he walked into our class on his first day, he scanned the room searching for...perfection I suppose because when his eyes fell on me, his room scanning had stopped. His eyes had held a smile though a he sported a fairly vacant expression. He walked past me with a nonchalance rivaling a saint but I knew that I was invading his peripheral vision. I always sat in middle of the room unlike my best friend who preferred wall on one of her sides. She claimed that it helped her ignore lessons and solve Sudoku or crosswords. Her disinterest towards peer appreciation annoyed the hell out of me and we always had huge arguments about that.

Arrival of Arnav Raizada had changed everything. He and I became fast friends within days and started hanging out whenever we had a free period. We had similar backgrounds, similar attitudes towards school life and were true born leaders. When we walked in halls, I could hear my peers, seniors, juniors and sometimes even teachers whispering about us. I loved every second of attention I received. He had only handful of friends and spoken to less a dozen kids from our class. Immense thrill ran down my spine when he would come by my desk every morning and whispered a 'good morning' and stopped to chat for several minutes.

After three weeks of knowing him I was in love. It wasn't a teenage crush or an infatuation. I knew what those felt like and it wasn't what I was feeling. It's the surging feeling of losing my breath as I felt I was flying in high altitude without wings. His laughter was whimsically addictive and his smile was a potion for my decadence. He spoke about obscure things and the words danced around me in their own melody. I jumped around and clutched them all and shoved them into my pocket. Once home, I would take out those words from my pocket and put it in an old jam jar. At night, I would go under covers, take the jar with me and see it in complete darkness.

In darkness, I would see the jar lit with a lone sparkle.

It wasn't as if I lost my sleep over it or my concentration in my activities but he would invade my thoughts at the oddest of the odd moment. I would be gardening at home and would weed out a plant and the colour of wild flower would remind me of the checkers on his shirt. I would be drinking morning tea with my parents and I would remember the teabag he carried in his pencil pouch. I was hopelessly, painfully and rapidly falling in love with him.

The idea of being in love with him was cemented six weeks after his arrival. I had contemplated, analysed, agonizingly revaluated and finally resigned to the fact that my heart had simply shoved off any rational explanation I provided and installed Arnav permanently. Strangely I was okay with that. I didn't tell him that I was in love with him. Nothing changed between us after my realization hit me. We continued to hang around, work on projects together, sometimes even met for ice cream or two.

I was so f**king scared to tell him how I felt about him.

Maybe then life would have been drastically different for so many people. But I was so scared to tell him...the idea of rejection was far too strong and over weighed the idea of confession. Maybe that was a mistake. Maybe I wouldn't be hurting so much now. Maybe we would be together now.

Maybe. Yeah, maybe.

I was sitting with my best friend in empty classroom waiting for her finish whatever she was doing. I tapped my feet impatiently as she continued to fuss around her bag. She was searching for a Polaroid photo of her which was taken by one of our classmates while she was fast asleep during lunch period. She had confiscated the photo after several hours of begging and pleading with the photographer. It had earned a round of laughter around their classroom but Khushi hadn't minded a bit; she had even performed a silly victory dance for everyone to see. She had started using that photo as a bookmark in whichever book she was reading and now it was lost.

The classes were finished for the week so we had decided to hit the market and look at pretty clothes. Khushi finally stopped searching, her effort in vain and had disappointingly followed me out. I was surprised to see Arnav waiting for me outside the classroom. Khushi looked at me, looked at him and looked back at me with a smile I couldn't recognize. She mumbled a good-bye and walked past us without waiting for a response. I had been ignoring for couple of months now and she hadn't said a word about it. I felt incredibly guilty but something stopped me from calling her. I looked at Arnav hiding my eyes under eyelashes and saw that he was looking at Khushi walking away. Something stuck in my throat then; the way his eyes lingered on her retreating back, his smile stuck in a different time and the sigh that escaped his lips like a feather drifting in errant wind. Tears pooled in my eyes for reason not known and I chastised myself for being so...exaggeratedly dramatic. He didn't say anything for the rest of the afternoon as we spent walking around the market and discussing random things.

My heart was aching the whole time that afternoon.

I made it up with Khushi on the next day by taking her to market but my ulterior motive was to tell her that I was in love with Arnav. Every time I brought his topic I ended up digressing from my confession and sprouted some errant facts. I felt someone physically choking my throat in stopping me from telling her about my feelings for Arnav. I had no idea what was stopping me or what was scaring me so much. She was my best friend and I told her everything. Well, everything except about Arnav.

I finally made a decision to tell him about my feelings after the mid-terms. We had three weeks of vacation after that so even if I got horribly rejected, I would have three weeks to stitch and apply Band-Aid on my broken heart and come up with a plan. The decision put some pep back into my life and it didn't go unobserved by my friends. I had a good feeling about this but there were momentary lapses in my confidence - which was a first for me. It felt as if heartbreak was just around the corner and I was simply fooling myself into believing otherwise. As the last day of the term came closer, it both exhilarated and scared the pants out of me.

I was packed my bags in a very slow pace my head swimming in anticipation and heart hammering inside ribcage. My hands stilled when I saw Arnav sat on a chair in front of Khushi's desk. My right palm clutched pencil pouch tightly till my knuckles turned white. I saw him place a book on her desk and say - 'You need some Robert Frost in between Sylvia Plath and Emily Dickinson'. The smile on Khushi's face was not something I had seen before - it was filled with secret only Arnav could decipher and spices that was exclusive to him. Arnav then turned sideways to lean on the wall and started talking about something I couldn't hear; my heart was beating far too loudly in my ears to hear any other voices. A buzz settled in my head and throat constricted. I shoved rest of the contents on my desk to my bag and walked out of the classroom as fast as my noodle like legs could carry me. Angry tears spilled on my heated cheeks and I bent my head to avoid any direct eye contact. I didn't want those tears on shirt or skirt or any part of my body. I wanted them to hit the ground as soon as they left my eyes. I don't like crying. It makes me feel...useless and...unloved; exactly how I am feeling now.

I knew then that I truly loved Arnav. My emotions were building up for an inevitable heartbreak yet they hadn't stopped evolving with every passing day. I didn't care if he loved me or not but when the time came, I wouldn't hesitate to confess my love for him anymore. It was a promise I made myself that day.

After a decade the time came where I had an opportunity to confess my decade old love for him. But then he was too broken and childlike that what he needed was a friend and not a lover. And I became exactly that.

For the second time in my life, I let the time slip from my hands again.

Now, it is just too late.

Next Chapter: Chapter 19, Moisturizers and death of a dream

Lavanya...Lavanya...girl my heart goes out to you

Edit

I am a HUGE fan of Jaaved Akthar and his poetry, this one is from the movie Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara

(Hindi in Blue and the English translation in Red)

Jab jab dard ka baadal chaya
Jab ghum ka saya lehraya
Jab aansoo palkon tak aya
Jab yeh tanha dil ghabraya

Humne dil ko yeh samjhaya
Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai
Duniya mein yunhi hota hai

Yeh jo gehre sannate hain
Waqt ne sabko hi baante hain
Thoda ghum hai sabka qissa
Thodi dhoop hai sabka hissa
Aankh teri bekaar hi nam hai
Har pal ek naya mausam hai
Kyun tu aise pal khota hai
Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai

Every time the cloud of pain loomed
A tear filled my eyes
When this lonely heart was scared
I told my heart 'Why do you cry for such reason? This happens everywhere in this world'

These dark lonely times, time has distributed them to all.
Some sadness is part of everyone's story,
Some sunshine is a part of everyone's life
Your eyes are damp for no reason
Every second is a new season
Why do you waste your time over such matters
Why do you cry I asked my heart

One word. Brilliant. You make Lavanya come alive and I wonder - haven't I been her once?

Poor Lavanya...she never had a chance and the sad thing is she still doesn't.

Wow another update...it was lovely...a different insight to la..
i am just glad that she let the second time slip...khushi still has a chance...i know i being mean...those are the words of an arshi fan...

Hmmm...lavanya.. i guess she is a golden girl here... she was d friend in need for every one... she did d right thing being his friend rather than barging into a territory tht might leave them both broken... i feel for her in ur update... jst too hrt breaking.. i hope she is able to find peace soon..

Oh gosh! My heart breaks for Lavanya.. Unrequited love is the worst form of pain and joy! I wonder if khushi knew about Lavanya's feelings ...