Akash's Musings

I have jotted down what I think are Akash's musings. I will try and jot down his thoughts from time to time. Hope you enjoy reading them.

Akash's musings:

I grew up aware that I am an illegitimate………….but worse than the label that I was born with was the disgrace it cast on my mother. People never realize that children born out-of-wedlock are not "non-persons" they are humans and have their being.

The hindi word for bas***d is haraam-zaadeh, born out of illegitimacy. Young adults of respectable society in India do not enter into a physical relationship with members of the opposite sex before marriage. It is generally believed that only ladies of easy virtue would indulge in physical intimacy with a man outside of marriage. Therefore being called a haram-zaadeh was not a reflection on the marital status of my parents at the time of my conception, but a slur on my mother's moral character. And that pains me more than anything ever in this universe. My mom has faced a life of humiliation, hardship, endless hurdles and abject poverty ……hmm……….yes it all boils down to a battle for roti, kapda aur makaan (bread, clothing and a roof) and respect.

I grew up thinking about my father …my mom had told me about him – his status, his big house, his riches, my step mom and brothers. Weirdly enough I never met him or his family. I guess I always had a hole where I felt I never fit in with society or people. All my life I felt different …you see my mother and I carried this stigma. I just felt like the black sheep, odd duck, the unwanted kid of mother earth. This feeling of inadequacy is like a disease in me and so I started developing a cool dude attitude. You know the guy who walks fearlessly with shirt buttons open, collar upturned and devil-may-care look!! The man full of poise, confidence, toughness, aloofness, the complete package for any job!!

I had never met my father or step brothers until I came to work for my father as his driver…I do not know what drove me to meet him. I only knew that I had to. I never let him know who I was …until mom herself told him today.

What was it that happened to me…why did I marry this woman Ishita? Why did her frustrated accusations at her father remind me of my own mom's life of tears? Her piteous voice reminded me of those endless years of emotional and social deprivation that mother and I endured and are still enduring. No, I am certainly not attracted to Ishita…it was the agony of seeing another woman hurt by my father SURAJ PRATAP SCINDHIYA. No I would not, could not let him destroy another woman and so I decided to marry her. Her parents wanted her to marry a Scindhya son well she would and she has……..but those resounding slaps by my father. More painful than the slaps are the derogatory words he spoke about my mother. I never raised a hand on him until he degraded my mom… His insults have fuelled the desire to expose him and claim my legitimacy. No more will mother and I face societal rejection, emotional insecurity and practical hardship so that he can maintain an image of Mr. Clean.

I have to make mom realize that what has to be taken into consideration is our best interest and not his image in society!!! The time to claim what is mine is now………..