Anandi Singh- if anyone had told me a year ago that a chit of a girl would come to mean everything to me,I would have laughed him for a fool.Never in my wildest dreams, did I ever expect myself to fall in love and this badly:today I live ,breathe ,talk and dream of her.I feel her in every essence of my being.Its as though God created me for her…to shield her from her fears, heal her of all her ghosts,to teach her the true meaning of love,to bring a new dimension to her life!
My entry into her life was nothing short of dramatic.It was in true Bollywood style.The damsel in distress,the knight in shining armour to the rescue,saving her life and protecting her modesty;why,even the white horse was there to complete the picture.Looking back,each one of our meetings seem to take on a special meaning:her pallu getting entangled in my watch;she, wiping the mango stains off my shirt,her desi nuskas for each of my illnesses and ,sweetest o f all pulling my shaving foam,my ear and leg in the bargain.
I was well aware of the huge responsibility I had donned when I married her.I knew that her past had scarred her badly.She ,who was forgiving as far as others were concerned, raised the bar when it came to herself.Still,I carried her across the threshold of marriage with the belief that I had stripped at least some of those thick layers of hide that encased her heart. Imagine ,to my hurt,when I realized that she was not ready to go the full way with me…….worse so because of Jagdish! Still,I swallowed my agony and put on a brave front…promised her in a moment of madness that I would not even touch her till she whole heartedly accepted me. There has not been a day I have cursed myself for that .Those small touches,her faint quivers were what had so far given me hope.
But today,I am completely shattered.At the badi haveli,as soon as she entered,I found her searching for Jagdish.For her happiness,I swallowed the bitter pill and asked out aloud where he was.I saw Saanchi throwing a scornful look my way and CM shocked.And they are right. I mean,which guy in his senses will enquire after his spouse's ex?Even I am not that magnanimous…I mean I do not want to be.But I have to …for my anandi,just to see that look of relief that someone had voiced her thoughts aloud.
They all say I am selfless…I am not.I am just an ordinary guy with the usual desires and expectations of love and of being loved by a beautiful partner.Even my asking about Jagdish had a selfish motive…..a corner of my mind fervently hoped that Anandi would realize the extent I cared for her and might develop a small fondness for me.I feel like holding her and shaking her…lady ,I have had enough of your respect .Now give me your love.
These days I yearn for that look,that smile from her.It seems ages since I saw it on her face,I last remember it at the sangeet ,when blindfolded I recognized her…of course I would ..put her in a room with thousands ,still I will unfailingly trace her.That is the extent and power of my love.
I am learning more about myself with each passing day.I am tolerant….am I not tolerating jagdish's presence in our lives,I put others happiness before my own…did I not drive in the wee hours of the morning ,narrowly averting an accident to talk to the Governer just for Dadiji,I am patient…..am I not waiting for my bride. I supposeit is all these qualities that make me 'mahaan'..ideal for my 'mahaan sarpanchji'.But,let me confide in you ,I am finding this burden now weighing heavily on my shoulders.iIwant to be the guy who returns from office everyday and is greeted by his wife with a smile..who can touch her and romance her without hesitation,who can have a wonderful honeymoon .
Most importantly,I dream of a family replete with laughter ,surrounded by kids whom I will love,cherish and protect :Just as my parents brought me up with the right amount of love and discipline ,so too do I want to for my kids.I am sure I will be a great father..But that day seems a long way off and I have to wait…months,years…..maybe ,God forbid,forever.I have always equated love with brightness and laughter .Never did I think that to be in love will also entail an ache so severe that sometimes you feel you very existence squeezed out of you.
As I wait for her,I wonder if God ,and, more importantly ,Anandi will make the tables turn.Will she ever look at me differently?"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"Is that true?My heart says yes but my head says is it so? Let us see .Only time will tell.till then au revoir!
Anupamaa
