Posted:
Dear viewers,
I hope you all are fine today, on this cold, yet pleasant, morning. I do appreciate all the love a vast majority of you shower on me. And I do understand that some of you hate me for what I am - everything that you are not.
I am God's favorite child, given that I have triumphed, inspite - or perhaps, because - of all the strife he has laid in my path.
Starting my life as a girl in rural Rajasthan was the first cross to bear. Bright beyond belief, in today's day and time, I became a child bride - a Balika Vadhu - at an age where other girls play with their dolls. Is that my fault?
I began life afresh, in a new house, with a new family that had ambiguous feelings about me. At an age where I did not understand the meaning of separation, I was asked to segregate my feelings into two - for my "old" family and for my "new." Is that my fault?
I was torn away from my favorite companions - my books - at a time I needed them most. I was told they interfered with my duties. Is that my fault?
I slowly forged my new relationships, against all odds. A new ma, a new bapusa, a new friend, a dadisa who saw strictness as the only way to break me in to my new life, a new village... I succeeded at some steps while failing at others. As a child struggling against all odds, was that my fault?
I grew up quickly, donning the "beendni" mantle, becoming the person everybody turned to for help and advise. I became way older than my age. Is that my fault?
I started looking at my best friend in a new light. The light I was supposed to look at him in. My husband, my caretaker, the only man I could talk to (openly). I fell in love with him, with the thought of him & I together. His aspirations became mine. His dreams were mine. I supported him in everything he did. Is that my fault?
I saved his life. I took a bullet for him. But, people started thinking I was losing myself. So, a new bride was found for him. It was a failed step, but it laid the path for our ultimate destruction. Is that my fault?
I sent him off to the big, bad city with a heavy heart. Go, live your dreams I said to him, in my heart of hearts. I cried silent tears each time he left, and each time I sat in isolation. Is that my fault?
He grew up. He grew away. His aspirations and dreams took him on a path different from mine. The distance between us grew. He thought I was to blame because I could not match him in his new-found coolness and status in life. Was that really my fault?
He came home with a new wife in tow. He celebrated his relationship, as if he had done something to be proud of. I reacted in the only way I knew - with calmness, acceptance, and a deep sorrow. I am sure you all know the famous quote "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were." So, I set him free. And he was not mine to keep. And he never was. Was that my fault?
I gained the title of divorcee. The world cannot be silenced. Of course, to some of it, I must be at fault. But, my family (and finally, dadisa) rallied around me. They lifted me up from the depths and brought me into the light. I gained an occupation. I got a title other than Mrs Jagdish Singh. I came into my own finally. I was independent in thought, finally. Is that my fault?
Then, another man came into my life. As a man who saved my life, as a colleague, as a strong individual who I respected and looked up to. And as a person who slowly became my friend. Is that my fault?
Then, dadisa started dreaming her own dreams. She saw a life partner for me in Shiv. She started plotting and planning to get us together. She convinced the rest of my family too. Shiv and I were thrown together at every opportunity. We progressed from friends to best friends. Was that my fault?
And then dadisa asked Shiv if he would marry me. He agreed. I was horrified. I fought. I didn't want this bane called marriage and all that it entailed - the trust, the love - all for one person. I couldn't face that pain again. Was that my fault?
The fates conspired against me. My mother bound my hands firmly with her deathbed vow. The deed was done. I was to be married. My best friend rallied around me, understood where I was coming from, and had no expectations, or so he said. Was that my fault?
We got engaged. I walked through that in a zombie-like state; my only thought that of my mother and her vow. Shiv was happy. I was neutral. Then, Jagya reappeared in our lives, in a condition that was unimaginable. My life went through many upheavals again. But, I was glad about one thing. My heart did not dance to his tune any longer. I only wanted what was best for my family. People misunderstood me again. Was that my fault?
Shiv was noble. He tried to hand me back to Jagya, like a toy that was being bartered. I was angry. I was hurt. But I could not break my vow. I refused to let Shiv back down. Was that my fault? Yes, it was. Because I was being selfish for the first time in my life. "I" considered what was best for me at that time.
But, I had told Shiv where he stood vis-a-vis me and my feelings. He was my Rock of Gibraltar, my one hope for the future, the one place where I felt safe. Was that my fault? For wanting to be safe, secure, and loved for the first time in my life?
So, the marriage proceeded as planned. Grand in its simplicity. Wonderful in the hope it brought to the lives of so many women who had lost hope. I went with the flow, loving the love I received from everyone, loving the adoration I saw in Shiv's eyes. I was sad about leaving my house but I was also excited about my new home and family. The Shekhars - how warm and loving they were. I could handle the small problems that existed. I was keen to begin a new life. Is that my fault?
And then my bubble burst. I realized just how much Shiv loved me - me, the unwanted castaway. I realized his expectations. Yes, I woke up late. I woke up to the awareness of all that a "real" marriage entailed. I realized I was capable of fear. Fear of myself and my failures. Fear of history repeating itself. Fear of happiness, which could never last forever, according to me. Life was a hard teacher. Is that fear my fault?
I discovered that I could try to deceive. I also discovered that that deceived knew me and my foibles too well. I discovered the power of true love. I discovered the depth of faith one could have. I discovered how I longed to be part of that love and faith. I discovered that I needed to open the doors of my closed heart and mind - as Shiv had once asked me too - to embrace life afresh. I discovered that I am human - full of insecurities, full of sorrow, and full of fear. Is that my fault or am I just human, finally?
So, viewers, I am human - just like you. I am scared of new challenges - just like you. I want to love and be loved - just like you. I am gathering up courage for my new start in life - just like some of you. I find it difficult to leave all old memories behind - perhaps like some of you.
I am struggling with my new identity, with my new life. I am in love - yes, I am. My mind knows it, but I have not accepted it yet. I will one day. And that day will be the day of my rebirth.
With a lot of love,
Yours (in hope),
Anandi
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Disclaimer:
This is Anandi talking from the viewpoint of the author - VerboseG (who tends to get carried away when she starts talking/writing). The views are solely mine.
This post is not meant to be pro Anandi, pro Shiv, pro/anti anybody. Kindly refrain from any kind of kabbadi on this thread.
Please also forgive any factual/typographical errors.
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