Chapter 5
"Why?"
Khushi Kumari Gupta's voice has intrigued me for months now.
At times it is cheerful, and rings through the house like the chimes of a bell.Sometimes, it is soft and hushed as she whispers to her Devi Maiyya.
And I've also heard courage and sheer stubbornness in it when she stands up to me for something she believes in.
But I have never heard this tone of voice before.
The word she has spoken is tinged with uncertainty, and fear.
My mind goes blank for a minute as I try to imagine the possibilities.
What is she going to ask me?
Why I have done all those things for months now?
Why I have written those entries in the journal?
Why didn't I trust her before?
Why couldn't I protect her from Shyam?
I steel myself for whatever it is that she is going to ask, and wait with baited breath while she looks down at the journal again.
But her question, when it finally comes, leaves me shocked and speechless as I realize which page of the journal she has just been reading.
"Why did he call you?"
I have been foolish enough to write about Shyam's phone call, but at this point, I am grateful that I have omitted the vile details of that call.
I have been able to spare her the horror of reading it, but how should I answer her now?
I want to protect her from the disgusting details, so I try to buy some time.
"What does it matter now, Khushi? Let's go inside, it's cold out here.."
She turns towards me fully, and holds out the journal towards me.
"Why did he call you? I need to know."
Her voice is firm now, although a hint of fear still remains.
She is looking straight at me, and I suddenly realize that she is not going to let this go.
But I have to try, because I cannot take the risk of her going back to the state she was in before.
In a small, selfish corner of my mind, I am surprised at the fact that she has picked this page over the many pages where I have confessed my innermost thoughts.
But I push these thoughts away, and decide to tell her the partial truth.
"He called to try and scare us off, Khushi. That's all. Now can we..."
"You are lying."
"What? No, Khushi I.."
She sighs, and turns away from me, facing the railing again.
Just like always, I don't like it when she does that, but I stop myself from saying anything.
Her soft words take me by surprise yet again.
"Are you hiding this from me because I did the same with you?"
"What?!"
She turns slightly so I can see her profile, and speaks again, her words still soft and unhurried.
"I hid the truth from you. When I found out about him, I did come here with the intention of telling Anjaliji, but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't be the one responsible for breaking the unwavering trust she had in him. And then there was Jiji's wedding to think about, of course."
She stops to take a deep breath, and I am amazed at how calm she appears now.
"So that's my reason. What is yours?"
"I'm not hiding anything from you, Khushi."
She turns towards me, and stares at me for a moment.
And then she starts walking away.
"Khushi? Where are you going?"
"I'm going to Nanheji. I'm sure he will tell me the truth."
I move in front of her, and she stops immediately.
I don't want her to go anywhere else for answers, and yet, how am I supposed to answer her?
One again, she speaks before me.
"Haven't you realized the danger in hiding things yet? I have. Which is why I need to know.."
I close my eyes as I realize the truth behind her words.
Half-truths and secrets are the things that have brought us to this point, how could I have forgotten that?
And after all that she has gone through, she deserves nothing but the truth.
All I hope is that she is strong enough to take it.
I open my eyes, and look at her pale face and wide eyes.
And I tell her the truth.
The entire truth.
I tell her every word that came from that filthy mouth, and try to push my fear for her aside while doing so.
When I am finally done, her face is even more pale, and she sways a little.
The journal drops from her hand, and she turns away with the intention of walking inside.
But she stumbles after just one step, and I pull her up against myself immediately.
There is fear in those hazel eyes, but there is something else as well.
A strength that I have recently seen in another pair of eyes.
My Di's..
All this time, have I underestimated the strength inherent in these two women?
She looks back at me, and I pull her shivering form close, and then lift her into my arms.
She says nothing as I walk inside, and I am suddenly afraid that she has returned to that silent zone from which she has recently emerged.
But a moment later I know that my fears are unfounded.
I lay her down on the bed, and she pushes herself back against the headboard, her eyes never leaving mine.
As I straighten up, I hear her voice.
"Have you hidden this from everyone else too, apart from Nanheji?"
I am surprised at the direction of her thoughts, but decide to stick to the truth again.
"No, I haven't. Everyone else knows about this."
I did tell everyone, including Di.
That is a moment I'll not forget anytime soon..
Di broke down completely, proving that her outwardly calm facade was hiding this deep turmoil that now came to the surface.
And then she had asked me the question to which I still don't have an answer.
"How could we have been so wrong about him, Chotey? When will all this end?"
And now as I tell this to Khushi, she stares at me for a moment, deep in thought.
And then she takes a deep breath before speaking.
"Then why did you try to hide it from me?"
I don't know what to say.
How do I tell her that my greatest fear is that she will revert to being a silent shadow of her real self ?
But it turns out that I don't have to, because she speaks before I can say a word.
"You didn't tell me because you thought I couldn't handle the truth, didn't you?"
"Khushi, I.."
"And do you also think I cannot tell the truth to the police?"
The mention of the police sparks the memory of the incident this morning, and I watch helplessly as she involuntarily raises her hand to what's left of her hair.
A moment later, she seems to pull herself together, and speaks again.
"I may have had a moment of madness this morning, but I am not as weak as you seem to think."
"I never said you are weak, Khushi. It's just that the legal process is going to be difficult for you, and I didn't want to add to that.."
"How difficult?"
"What?"
"How difficult is it going to be?"
I don't know how to answer that, and I stare at her helplessly.
She leans forward and looks straight into my eyes as she continues.
"Is it going to be more difficult than being married forcefully?"
"What?! "
"Is it going to be more difficult than not even knowing what you have done to be punished that way?"
"Khushi, listen.."
"More difficult than your worst nightmare coming true ?When the man who was supposed to protect you leaves you alone, and vulnerable to be attacked by a vile beast?"
I stand up now, her anguish cutting through me and leaving me devoid of words.
But she isn't done yet.
"Can anything be more difficult than lying there while a man defiles your body in full view of your husband? Can anything be more difficult than fighting back while knowing that you don't stand a chance against him?"
I can't take this anymore, and I turn away, rubbing my hand over my eyes to stop the pricking sensation there.
The full weight of what I have allowed to happen crashes down upon me, but she isn't done yet.
"If I have gone through all that, and come out of it alive, then I'm sure I can handle telling them the truth. Don't worry about that."
I turn back to her, and go down on my knees by the bed.
"Khushi, I am so very sorry you had to go through this..I know mere words will never be enough, but.."
"Then don't say anything. And don't be afraid, either."
"Afraid?"
"Yes. I don't want you to be afraid that I will go back to being silent like I have been these past few days..That's what you were thinking about earlier, weren't you?"
"Yes, because your silence was killing me! And I was afraid that telling you about Shyam's words would bring back memories of that horrible incident.."
I stop as her eyes widen and she raises one hand to stop me.
"Do you think that my condition over the past few days was only the result of what he did to me?"
I still at the implication of her words.
Where is she going with this?
"I should have known that was the conclusion you would arrive at..but that's not true."
"It isn't?"
"What he did to me was done to my body. Of course, he wanted to do a lot more, but Devi Maiyya sent those guards in time.."
"Khushi, I.."
"I don't deny that what he did to me has affected me deeply..I still have nightmares about his hands..his words..his vile intentions.."
I don't want to hear this.
It's tearing me apart inside, but I can't turn away either.
"But that is what happens during the night. Do you know what made me silent during the day? Do you know what consumed my thoughts when I was wide awake?"
I shake my head, unable to speak.
"I think about what he said, before he saw you.."
I suddenly realize that I know nothing about what happened before I entered my room that fateful night.
"He was crazed. He was beyond madness, and he was playing with me like a cat plays with a mouse, taunting me with little parts of the truth.."
I close my eyes again, and curse myself for leaving her alone..
Never again.
"He told me the truth about why you had married me. He said you would never have married me if you hadn't heard part of what happened on the terrace. He said that you believed him when he said that I was having an..an aff..an affair with him.."
I open my eyes and reach for her hand, wordlessly asking for her forgiveness, even though I don't deserve it.
But she pulls her hand away, and continues to speak.
"Do you know what his last words were, before he ran away?"
I shake my head again, afraid of what is coming.
"He told me that he would be back to finish what he had begun. He said that I..I should be grateful to him..because..because he still wants me..and he said that..that you wouldn't even touch me , now that you had seen what he did to me.."
Tears are running down her face now, and I reach out to wipe them away, even as an uncontrollable fury builds inside me.
"Khushi, that's not true! I would never.."
But she moves away and swipes at her tears, and continues in a shaking voice.
"Those are the thoughts that hurt the most. That I am a person who didn't even deserve the trust of someone whom I l... I didn't even get the chance to explain, because you didn't even ask me.."
"Khushi, please.."
"And I chose to escape from it all. From the man who had defiled my body, and the man who had done the same with my soul..That is the true reason I was silent. Because I didn't want to be in this real world.."
I clench my fists in despair, the full extent of the damage I have caused now creating havoc inside me.
"I chose to stay silent, and think about my life before I met you..my childhood..Bauji's sweet shop.."
"Khushi, I am so..."
"Kabhi kabhi sapnon ki duniya mein rehna hi achcha hai."
I stand up now, unable to keep myself from reaching out to her, this innocent woman who has been wronged by so many, on so many levels.
But before I reach her, a voice intrudes, and I turn to face the open door.
"Nannav, I think it's time to let Khushiji get some rest. The policewomen will be here early tomorrow..I think we should leave the nurse with her."
I look at NK, standing there with the nurse, and then I turn to Khushi.
But she isn't looking at me anymore.
I know NK is right, she needs all the rest before facing the ordeal tomorrow.
I look at Khushi one last time, willing her to look at me.
But she doesn't.
And then I know I have to leave her alone for now.
But it is still painful to turn away and walk out.
NK walks out with me,and the nurse closes the door behind us.
Suddenly, a suspicion takes root in my mind as I watch NK.
"Where were you just now?"
"What?"
"Where were you before you entered Khushi's room, NK? "
"I..I was.."
"Why weren't you sleeping in your room?"
NK just stares at me, and then turns away abruptly, heading for his room.
But I want the truth tonight, and I pull him back with a jerk.
"You were right outside all the time, weren't you? Why, dammit? Why do you always manage to interrupt? Why are you so protective of her? I want some answers, NK!"
NK shakes my arm off, and stares at me for a moment.
"You want to know why? You want to know why I want to help her, and save her from man like you who are so selfish that they can't think beyond themselves?"
I take a step back, suddenly unsure.
"Because I am in love with her! I always have been, since the first moment I saw her!"
Although I had suspected something like this, the words still manage to shock me.
"But it's of no use, is it? Because all this while, she has never looked at anyone else apart from you! Everyone knew that! Why couldn't you see that, Nannav?"
"NK, I don't know what to say.."
"None of it matters right now. All I want is for that B*****d to be caught! Maybe that will give her peace.."
As I stand there shocked and speechless, NK walks away, and moments later, I hear his door slam into place.
I walk to my room slowly, and sink down on the recliner.
Only then do I realize that I am clutching my journal in one hand.
______________________
A day of revelations for me..
The investigation into Shyam's whereabouts is still on.
His picture is on all possible media, and our investigators are leaving no stone unturned in their quest to find him.
They have searched through his office, and been in contact with his friends and colleagues.
Since he has no family, this is their only possible source of information.
The SIM card from my phone has proved to be worthless.
They have told me to be vigilant about further contact from him, since they are certain a psychopath like him will try to do that eventually.
All we can do now, is wait.
And now I finally allow myself to think of Khushi, who is still suffering because of him.
My Khushi..
I have underestimated many things, including the horrifying effects of my lack of trust.
When I did those things today to bring her out of her stupor, I thought that my love would be enough.
I thought that it would be enough to start her on the path to healing..
But I was wrong. Again.
The wounds are too deep, and the vile act is still too fresh in her mind.
She cannot yet see past it to the love that I want her to acknowledge.
If only she would come to me..
But I know it is early, too early for her..
And after what she has just said, I know that I may have hurt her beyond redemption.
A man like me is not worthy of her..
But does that mean I should lose all hope?
I would have, except for one thing.
One memory stops me from giving up on all hope.
The memory of a sound.
The sound of a spoon clicking against a bowl of soup.
That is all I have to cling on to.
For now, it is enough.
_____________________
I wake up with a start, suddenly aware that is daylight, and someone is knocking at my door.
I am still on the recliner, and I look down at the journal on the floor.
I must have fallen asleep while I was writing.
I hurry to the door, suddenly afraid that I might be too late.
I want to meet Khushi before she has to deal with the police.
But as I open the door and listen to what Di has to say, I know that my worst fears have come true.
"Chotey, I thought you would come down sooner! The police is already here, and Khushiji is downstairs with them!"
I rush down immediately, and come to a halt when I find that Khushi is following the two policewomen out of the room while the rest of the family watches.
"Wait! Where are you taking her?"
The cops turn to me, and one of them answers.
"We need privacy while we talk to her, Mr.Raizada. "
I am not going to let Khushi handle this alone, and so I go up to them immediately.
"I understand that, but I'm her husband, and I'm sure that it would be.."
"Actually, Mr.Raizada, that's something we need to talk to you about. We need some paperwork for our files, in order to establish your relationship in court. Can we see your marriage certificate, please?"
"Marriage certificate? Sure, I can give it to you just as soon as I get our marriage registered.."
"You mean that hasn't been done yet?"
"No, there hasn't been time to.."
"That's fine. For now, we would just need a written statement from at least two people who witnessed your marriage."
"But we didn't have any.."
The cops look at each other for a moment.
"No witnesses?What about the Pandit who conducted the marriage?"
I remain silent, memories of the hurried temple ceremony running through my mind.
Buaji speaks up suddenly, and her strident tones cut through the charged silence.
"Hai re nandkishore! There was a pandit,wasn't there?"
I shake my head, and open my mouth to speak, but the cop cuts in.
"With no certificate, no witnesses or marriage rites, it is impossible to prove that you are married, Mr.Raizada. In fact, for all intents and purpose, no legal marriage exists between you both ."
I am stunned,and look at Khushi immediately, appalled at my carelessness.
She looks shocked as well, and turns to her parents, but she gets no chance to speak before Aman's voice interrupts.
"ASR, I'm sorry, but this is urgent."
I turn to him and I am shocked anew when I see how worried he looks.
Aman has handled all kinds of crisis for me, and I know that something major must have happened to upset him.
"What is it, Aman?"
"Our PR team has been handling the media until now..and they have been interacting with the reporters outside, you do know that, right?"
"I know, Aman.So what has happened now?"
Aman swallows audibly before he speaks.
"They have just received some breaking news, it is unconfirmed as yet, but they say they have a very good source.."
"News?"
Aman looks at Khushi this time, and then back at me.
His next words fall into the silence likes heavy stones, their impact creating ripples throughout the room.
"A body has been found , and preliminary investigations have identified it as that of Shyam Manohar Jha."
********************************
A/N: I have given a lot of thought to Khushi's recovery. Does this seem like it is too soon? Maybe.
But I do believe that a victim of such a crime has an inherent strength, and given enough time, this is what helps them more than any other external factor.
New readers, please add me to your buddy list for PMs of updates.
Shiv Shakti
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