The Diary
Part 2
21st November, 2011
Sharon,
It's been more than two weeks since...since what happened in the abandoned corridor. You have no idea how hard I try to keep myself away from you. Maybe it won't hurt so much if we have some physical distance between us. But the pain doesn't leave me for even a single second. It's there, every minute of every hour, as I keep hearing your voice telling me, over and over again, that we could never be together. I was living in an illusion till you shattered it that day. I used to believe that one day, you would realize how much I love you. But I have stopped hoping now. But I can't seem to stop loving you.
I decided to ignore you, avoid you and act like I don't care but it's easier said than done. I don't think it's in my hands anymore. Whatever I do to keep away from you, I somehow always end up with you. I don't want that. It hurts more than you can imagine.
We were made to dance together today. Why does this keep happening? I was forced to look at you, look into your eyes. I don't want to look into your eyes. I can't bear to see how much you don't want me. But look into your eyes, I did. And even after all that has happened I couldn't look away. I don't know what took over me. Everything else just faded away. It was just you.
And the next thing I realize is that everybody is applauding and you are in my arms. And then I hear Nicole M'am telling us what an explosive chemistry we have. Ha! The biggest joke of the century! There is nothing between us! How does everyone else manage to see that 'explosive chemistry' when there is nothing whatsoever between us? You made it very clear that day.
This wasn't healthy for her, so much crying. And now she had started hiccupping too. Her mind once again went through those almost faded memories. Faded, because her mind had tried to absolve all those memories in order to suppress the pain and guilt that accompanied those memories.
She remembered how she had been pining for his attention. Wishing against her better judgement that he would spare just one glance at her. She had felt a dull pain resonating through her body, crying at his negligence. Every few seconds, her gaze would rest on him, almost willing him to look at her. She couldn't stand the thought of him ignoring her. His lack of attention and frozen silence had been unbearably hurtful.
She thought she had been hurting. But after reading his side of the story, her pain felt trivial in front of his.
She drank the water from the glass lying on the bedside table to control her hiccups. Her crying had been reduced to sniffling and taking a deep breath she turned to another random page, hoping that this time she would land on one of the beautiful memories. But she knew that it was wishful thinking because back then, all of their beautiful memories had had a thick layer of pain underlining them.
23rd January, 2012
Sharon,
What is pain?
For me it's synonymous to the feeling of Love, now. Love has taught me the real meaning of Pain. It's because of Love that I feel so much Pain. For the first time I find myself wondering would it have been better if I hadn't fallen in Love with you? At least I wouldn't have to go through this pain.
For weeks now, I have driven myself crazy wondering if there ever was going to be an 'us'. And today, you killed that last flicker of hope in me. I guess I deserved it. I had been stupid enough to hope that we would ever be together. I have accepted it now. We were never meant to be. In all of this heartache and cold war I never imagined that you could like someone else. That someone else could take that place in your heart which I vied for. I guess I was too selfish to think that if you ever decided to let anyone in, it would be me. Or may be too ignorant. But either way I was wrong.
Because you do like someone else. You do want to be with someone else.
You are with someone else.
That night, when I saw him kissing you, my world had collapsed. It had come undone. The pain of seeing you with someone else was so immense that it took me by surprise. Everything had felt surreal. I felt numb. I felt hurt. I felt lost.
I don't know what had happened to me. You were never mine. Then why did it feel like I had lost you?
I will never forget how I had felt that day.
And if that wasn't enough, today you told me that he and you were together now.
And even after all this, my heart sank. I guess somewhere deep down I had been wishing that it had all been a mistake. That, that kiss didn't mean anything to you. But, once again, I guess I was wrong.
The ink on the entire page had been smudged as if he had been crying when he had written this. And that just made the words more painful.
She had cleared that misunderstanding ages ago. That she hadn't kissed him. He had kissed her and that too only on her cheek. But she had never told Swayam how much she had regretted that small action. That small lapse in judgement. How she had punished herself because she had let him down, somehow betrayed him. That burden wasn't his to bear.
She couldn't feel the tears this time. At this point, she was completely drained of all her emotions. She just turned on to the next random page.
12th March, 2012
Sharon,
I still can't believe what happened today. For some time now, I feel like I have been oscillating from one state of mind to another. It's because of you, of course. I can't really figure out what is it that you want from me. And then I realized, it isn't me who is oscillating, it's you. Are you actually softening up towards me?
When I looked into your eyes this morning, I saw a different light in them. There was actual gratefulness in them. What I didn't know was that this gratefulness was actually directed towards me.
You asked me to meet you in the abandoned corridor today. I had been purposely avoiding that place since the last time we had been there together. I don't much like that place.
When I opened the door leading to it, I also opened the door to let in all those past, submerged memories. It was overwhelming and not something I wanted to experience.
And then I saw you struggling to get your thoughts out but I already knew what you wanted to tell me. I always do.
I learnt today that I have always been blaming you for all the situations we get ourselves into. I shouldn't. You can't help them any more than I can and now I've made peace with the fact that I really shouldn't expect much from anything. Different situations demand different things from the both of us and we act accordingly. There really isn't anything much to it. I've been seeing all these connections everywhere when I should have just accepted them as something beyond our control and move on. I have now truly given up all hope I had of us ever being together. It'll happen if it has to happen.
I understand that what happened in Goa was merely because you needed me then. Only then. I understand that you no longer need me and I'm alright with that. I won't force myself on you, you don't have to worry.
I thought that was it. That was all that needed to be said between us. But then you surprised me. At first, I almost thought that I had imagined it. Sharon Raiprakash wouldn't say thank you to me!
That is when I realized there was no Sharon Raiprakash in the room. There was only Sharon, expressing her gratefulness. I wish I could tell you, how much it meant to me. But I knew it was only a onetime thing. You wouldn't want my help ever again.
It surprised her when she felt a trickle of tears making their way down her cheek. She thought she had been burned out. Apparently not.
Her fingers, once more, found their way to her belly and she rubbed soothing circles on it, unsure whether it was her baby she was soothing or herself.
"I love your father very much," she said, her crying taking a noisy turn. "I was stupid back then, so stupid. I didn't mean to cause him so much pain. I would do anything to take it back."
"Don't you dare be like me, you understand?" she continued. "I think one self-destructive Raiprakash is enough for this world! You be a good, kind, caring Shekhawat. Just like your father. Don't worry, you have it in you!" she said, suddenly tinkling with laughter.
With that she turned to next random page, once again hoping that this time, at least, she'll come across some of the happier memories.
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