You've Got Mail- 09/01/15- The Co-Written Harry Potter Special- Pg 117 - Page 64

brilliant!!

Simply hilarious! I'm reading this ff for the 1st time and woke everyone in the house shrieking with laughter at 0000 hrs reading manorma mami's plea to uninstall the keyboard tracker 🤣 

Cant wait to check out your other work now, so ciao! Keep writing!

all thnx to u😃

i mean , are u the same one whose writing TAINTED!!!these are like..two opposite like hell stories...how do u manage to do that??👏

Part Twelve
'Subpar'

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From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Cameron, James
Subject: Nice Try

My wife tried to connect her ponytail with my oiled up fringe last night and said she learnt about 'true physical connections' from Avatar. 

But I soon showed her the error of her ways.

And it was fantastic.

Arnav--> 1
Most Successful Film Director In The World--> 0 

P.S. Actually no. You're Canadian...--> -1

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From: Singh Raizada, Khushi
To: Raizada, Manorama
Subject: WHY?

WHY did you make me put this off for so long?

Sure, I screamed a little when he whipped what looked like some kind of sausage in a sock out and tried to slap it away at first. 

But I soon got over that.

And it was brilliant.

I don't know what your problem is woman, but you are missing out.

Sincerely,

Finally-Got-Laid

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From: Raizada, Red
To: Raizada, Dhruv
Subject: Breakfast

I'm hungry. Make me a sandwich.

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From: Raizada, Dhruv
To: Raizada, Red
Subject: Babe...

You're lying next to me in bed. You can talk to me you know.

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From: Raizada, Dhruv
To: Raizada, Red
Subject: JSYK

Talking to me just to inform me that you take your coffee with one teaspoon of sugar and one cup of milk is not what I meant. 

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From: Raizada, Dhruv
To: Raizada, Red
Subject: Neither Is

Telling me that you want cheese first then the tomatoes. What does it even matter?

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From: Raizada, Dhruv
To: Raizada, Red
Subject: That Doesn't Even Make Any Sense!!

IF YOU PUT THE TOMATO ON TOP, THEN THE TOP PIECE OF BREAD WILL BE SOGGY. IF YOU PUT IT ON BOTTOM AND THEN FLIP IT OVER, THEN THE TOP PIECE WILL STILL BE THE PIECE THAT IS SOGGY.

I'm beginning to think this panic, shotgun, contract marriage might not have been such a great idea after all.

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From: Raizada, Dhruv
To: Raizada, Red
Subject: Yes Of Course

I know that you told me it was stupid and that I needed a kick to the head you would gladly have provided, but you haven't met Nanav yet. 

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From: Raizada, Dhruv
To: Raizada, Red
Subject: Wait

What do you mean 'Yes I have.'? WHEN? 

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From: Raizada, Dhruv
To: Raizada, Red
Subject: EXCUSE ME?

Arnav Singh Raizada is not nice.

He's a scum-sucking roadwh**e. He RUINED MY LIFE.

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From: Raizada, Dhruv
To: Raizada, Red
Subject: Yes

I did just quote Mean Girls.

Wanna have a domestic about it?

P.S. Just so you're aware, I also frequently quote Bring It On, She's The Man, Grease and The Notebook.

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From: Raizada, Dhruv
To: Raizada, Red
Subject: I... I'm In Shock

You didn't cry at the end of The Notebook?

Are you even human?! 

Next you'll be telling me you didn't cry when Mandy Moore died in A Walk To Remember.

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From: Raizada, Dhruv
To: Raizada, Red
Subject: That's It

We're getting a divorce.

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From: Mathur, Aman
To: Raizada, Anjali
Subject: Thank You

For helping me to finally exact revenge on Arnav.

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From: Raizada, Anjali
To: Mathur, Aman
Subject: Trust Me

Aman- the pleasure was all mine.

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From: Mathur, Aman
To: Raizada, Anjali
Subject: Revenge

Really is a dish best served cold.

Ice cold.

Literally.

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From: Raizada, Anjali
To: Mathur, Aman
Subject: True

I didn't realise his bed was so comfortable. Or so bouncy. He requested we get him an extra bouncy one after that one he broke with Khushi. I still sometimes wonder how they did that.

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From: Mathur, Aman
To: Raizada, Anjali
Subject: Well

At least we know it definitely wasn't what we spent all of last night doing. ;)

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From: Raizada, Anjali
To: Mathur, Aman
Subject: Of Course

I don't think they'd know how even if they wanted to. 

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From: Mathur, Aman
To: Raizada, Anjali
Subject: Ahh

This is true. Arnav never was all that great at poking his needle into the right hole, if you know what I mean.

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From: Raizada, Anjali
To: Mathur, Aman
Subject: You're Forgetting

I'm his sister. I grew up with him.

He's never been all that great at needling.

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From: Mathur, Aman
To: Raizada, Anjali
Subject: I Know!

When we first started AR, the models would come and complain to me all the time about how stiff and painful it was.

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From: Raizada, Anjali
To: Mathur, Aman
Subject: But...

Why was Arnav attempting to sew their clothes anyway? 

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From: Mathur, Aman
To: Raizada, Anjali
Subject: WHY?

Because he's an overbearing control freak who would do EVERYTHING by himself if it were only possible. 

I'm GLAD we sewed frozen prawns into his mattress. I feel bad for Khushi bhabhi of course, but enough is enough.

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From: Raizada, Anjali
To: Mathur, Aman
Subject: YES!

WE SHOWED HIM.

Or we will.

When he gets back.

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From: Mathur, Aman
To: Raizada, Anjali
Subject: One Question Though

You don't think this might be considered childish at all?

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From: Raizada, Anjali
To: Mathur, Aman
Subject: Childish?

Not even remotely.

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From: NK Photography
To: Kasyap, Lavanya
Subject: Holiday

So it turns out I have to go back to India. My cousin got married. I know this is a little out of the blue, but do you want to come with me?

My cousin's wife's aunt seems to have a thing for me and it's terrifying and she keeps shouting out my name at random moments when I'm around and it freaks me out and I'm hoping if I turn up with a date she'll leave me alone.

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From: Kasyap, Lavanya
To: NK Photography
Subject: Your Cousin's Wife's Aunt?

Sorry what? 

That's ridiculous. We've been on one disaster of a date. I'm not going on holiday with you.

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From: NK Photography
To: Kasyap, Lavanya
Subject: Please!

I'm begging.

I'll pay for your ticket and everything. If there's one thing my family isn't short of, it's money.

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From: Kasyap, Lavanya
To: NK Photography
Subject: Let Me Get This Straight

Are you suggesting that you think I'm either:
a) strapped for cash
b) a gold-digging skank-ho 

???

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From: Kasyap, Lavanya
To: NK Photography
Subject: Because If You Are

Then you're totally right. Where are we headed? Kerala? Shimla? Calcutta?

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From: NK Photography
To: Kasyap, Lavanya
Subject: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

Lucknow.

I'll send you details later.

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From: Kasyap, Lavanya
To: NK Photography
Subject: We're Going To Lucknow?

Of course we are.

How did I not guess Luck-freaking-now.

Ironic really as I never seem to have any Luck despite the fact that I could use some right Now.

The Universe hates me.

It really, really hates me.

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From: Raizada, Red
To: Raizada, Dhruv
Subject: My Cheese Toastie

Was subpar.

A subpar sandwich is indicative of a subpar sandwich maker, you know?

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From: Raizada, Dhruv
To: Raizada, Red
Subject: Not Sure If Reading Into This Too Deeply

But are you by any chance sneakily referring to my lovemaking ability? Because let me assure you, I have it on good authority it is anything but subpar.

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From: Raizada, Red
To: Raizada, Dhruv
Subject: Did You Seriously Just Refer To Sexual Prowess As 'Lovemaking Ability'?

What are you, 87? 

No. You just have a filthy mind. No wonder Arnavji wants to kill you.

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From: Raizada, Dhruv
To: Raizada, Red
Subject: ArnavJI?

You're calling him ArnavJI now?!

And shut up. What the hell kind of a name is RED? That's not a NAME. It's a COLOUR. Were your parents TRIPPING when they named you? 

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From: Raizada, Red
To: Raizada, Dhruv
Subject: They Weren't Tripping

But mum was 18. She thought it was cool.

Speaking of- they're coming to visit tomorrow. Might want to hold off on calling them drug addicts while they're here. 

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From: Raizada, Dhruv
To: Raizada, Red
Subject: I'M SORRY OKAY

I didn't mean to be mean. BUT SERIOUSLY- HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO INTRODUCE YOU TO PEOPLE WITH A STRAIGHT FACE? "Hi, my name's Dhruv. Meet my wife. She's Red."

"Why yes, it is rather hot in here. I'm beginning to get rather flushed myself."

"No, I mean she's Red."

"Well, I would say she's actually a rather pleasant shade of pink. It's endearing."

"WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?! SHE'S RED!"

"I UNDERSTOOD YOU THE FIRST TIME, WHY ARE YOU YELLING?!"

"WHY ARE YOU YELLING?!"

And then we'd make a scene in the middle of some poncy, poshnob party and get politely asked to leave and blacklisted forever more. 

And then I'd lose loads of business contracts and word would spread and then Nanav would get angry and DEAR LORD IT WOULD BE A DISASTER.

I don't suppose you'd consider a name-change? Or at the very least couldn't we pretend it's short for something?

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From: Raizada, Red
To: Raizada, Dhruv
Subject: Calm Down

You have a really fulfilling inner life going on inside your head, don't you? 

If you're worried about your reputation, surely the fact that your wife is called Red isn't going to be half as much a blow as the fact that you're going to divorce her in three months.

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From: Raizada, Dhruv
To: Raizada, Red
Subject: You're So Logical

I knew there was a reason I married you.

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From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Singh Raizada, Khushi
Subject: Tum Theek Ho?

Kaal raat ki baad?

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From: Singh Raizada, Khushi
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Subject: Of Course

More than just 'theek'. I am buzzing.

You've awoken a sleeping beast. 

It is time to suffer the consequences. 

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From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Singh Raizada, Khushi
Subject: Delightful Though That Sounds

I'm afraid I can't.

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From: Singh Raizada, Khushi
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Subject: You Can't?

FINE. I'll go find someone else to feed it.

It won't be sated this easily.

I'm not MAAMIJI.

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From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Singh Raizada, Khushi
Subject: What?

What does Maamiji have to do with anything?

No I mean... I physically can't. Khushi- I'm in hospital at the minute. 

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From: Singh Raizada, Khushi
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Subject: HOSPITAL?!

WHAT?

WHY?

I thought you went to the Office with Dhruvji and Laalji. Why didn't you take me with you?! You just WAIT till you get home Mister!

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From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Singh Raizada, Khushi
Subject: Why I Didn't Bring You With Me

It's kind of a... personal problem.

One I didn't really want you here for. If you get what I mean.

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From: Singh Raizada, Khushi
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Subject: If I Get What You Mean?

Of course I 'get what you mean'. You mean you don't trust me. Or love me. Or both me enough to share your pain with me. 

I understand. It's okay. I get the message. I'll pack my bags today.

Don't worry, if I'm pregnant I won't harm it. I will carry it to term and raise it bravely alone like the strong, independent woman I truly am, ignoring the tainted paintbrush you will have forever stained me with in society's eyes.

I'll be like Hester Prynne. Only less dull and... peasanty. 

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From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Singh Raizada, Khushi
Subject: Stop It

You're being ridiculous.

It's a problem with my PENIS okay? There. I said it. Now shut up and put down the Devi Maiyya statue I KNOW you're packing first.

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From: Singh Raizada, Khushi
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Subject: Penile Problems?

What?

Have you given me syphilis? 

Or chlamydia? 

Or gonorrhoea?

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From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Singh Raizada, Khushi
Subject: NO

I do not have an STI.

I really just didn't want you to feel guilty.

I think you broke it... It's broken. This morning when I went to pee, it went sideways.

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From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Singh Raizada, Khushi
Subject: Wait...

I thought you didn't even know what sex was until yesterday.

How on Earth do you know about syphilis? 

Or chlamydia?

Or gonorrhoea? 

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Part Thirteen

A/N: I'm sorry this gets updated so sporadically. And I'm sorry if this update was 'subpar' 😆. I hope you enjoyed it. P.S. I love Canada and many Canadians (Haffy <3). In-jokes abound in this update ;)