Skinny Love
He yawned loudly, his hand slowly pressing down on the cold metal door handle as the longevity of the day bore down on him. The door opened slowly, his eyes adjusting into the dark and cold room. 'It's only half nine, Jeevika won't be asleep so soon…'
His hands searched out the light switch near the door, finally finding the small plastic switch. It took a few seconds to readjust to the change in light, a few blinks sufficing in opening his eyes to the bright room ahead. His eyes searched out that gentle smile, or at least the peaceful figure tucked under a few layers of blankets, oblivious to the world as she dreamt away. His eyebrows furrowed together in confusion; the room never seemed so bereft of life. He could only guess their balcony doors were open as an unsavoury breeze touched upon his arms, shaking him of any previous stupor.
"Jeevika?" He called out into the empty room, a frown on his lips as no reply came. Setting the laptop case and his formal jacket on the vacant bed, he took the few steps to the bathroom only finding himself in a further state of confusion as again, his search came up empty.
"Where is she? Maybe Ma knows." He muttered to himself, his feet leading him out of the door he had only moments ago came in through. He followed the well trodden trail to Vanshika's room, stopping briefly as his knuckle collided with the door in soft succession, humbly making his present known. "Come in!" He just about heard the muffled call in addition to a small chuckle as he opened the heavy oak door.
"Arre Viren, you're home! Have you eaten yet?" Vanshika sat upon her bed, an assortment of photo albums splayed out around the bed as a grinning Manvi gazed through them casually. "Oh my gosh! Jeeju, you had an Aston Martin?" She looked up from the picture, her mouth morphed into an 'o' shape. He laughed softly, leaning heedlessly against the doorframe. "Yeah, a birthday present which I drove once right before your fiance decided to drive it and get it written off. Anyway, Ma I'm not hungry right now, but have you seen Jeevika? She's not in the room."
Vanshika looked to the ceiling, taking a moment out to think. "I'm not sure son; she headed to bed early after supper saying she was tired. I assumed she'd gone to sleep; have you tried the kitchen?" He nodded, confusion taking over slowly. "She wasn't there when I came in… She could be with Badi-Ma."
"I heard my name! Viren what's wrong?" Swamini called out from a distance as she exited Dadaji's room with a tall glass of water in hand. "Badi Ma, have you seen Jeevika anywhere?" Swamini shook her head as she walked closer towards Viren, cautious of the nearly overfilled glass in her hands. "No, I haven't. I thought she went to bed; her mood seemed a little off so I didn't bother her. Have you tried calling her?"
He sighed, pushing his body away from the wooden frame; his fingers making their way through his hair. "No; no, I haven't. Anyway, Ma, Badi Ma, I'll try now. Good night." He turned, disappearing down the gloomy hallway to again find himself in the empty room. Digging around through his pockets, he reached for his ever present phone.
Tapping her name like he had done a million times, he waited as it rang once… then twice… Cocking his head to the side, he removed the phone from his ear as he could hear the hushed sound of Birdy's singing, a song he soon recognised as Jeevika's ringtone. Following his ears, he drifted towards their chaise lounge, all the while the noise growing louder. He dispensed of the cushions quickly, unaware of the direction to which they took.
His eyes drew to the discarded blackberry as it ended its cycle of vibrating. Noticing the small white envelope wedged between the phone and the upholstered chair, a sense of uncertainty overcame him. Sitting himself down on the bare chair, he gingerly opened the white envelope, slowly taking out the neatly folded paper inside.
At once, he recognised the pristine handwriting of his absent wife, etched perfectly into the matt paper. Running his fingers over the cursive letters, he began to read:
'Viren-ji,
What I could not say in person, I have written to you. Laid out in your hands is a testament to my heart and my soul; I can only pray that with time you will come to understand what, how and why. In the instance that you don't, and I fear that possibility in the deepest corner in my heart, then know that above all else is the small thread of fate with which we have tampered with too carelessly in our naivety. To right that wrong, I need to take this step for only through this can we both be at peace.
Forgive me for the cryptic nature of this letter, but I must go. My place is no longer at your side, in your arms or in your heart. My love, my life, my heart, my soul, my eternal being; I gave it all to you whole heartedly, and even in a thousand life times, I wish to give my all to you… but, my love, all good things must come to an end.
Destiny is calling and it yearns for our parting; who are we to tempt the fates? We're just humans, walking through life, fumbling the journey before losing our selves, never to gaze upon our final destination. And so my dear husband, the universe has called. Our journey together is at an end for I have lost myself along the way; you're already too far in the distance, and that distance is too great to cross – a feat I could never accomplish in this lifetime.
A life with me would be of no use for you… no use for anyone. My demons haunt me, and the past is still alive in my conscience – I can not forget. This is probably my comeuppance, my retribution and my sorrow which I shall hold forever. I do not wish, and would never want my loved to witness this pain, or even try to alleviate it. It can not be done.
And that is why I leave in your charge all I have ever held dear to me. My heart shall forever be yours, and my soul – my Manvi. Take care of them both, they are the memories I held and the memories in which I shall live with till my end.
I love you Viren-ji, till my last breadth, the last beat of my heart, and that is why I must go. The road ahead will be filled with sorrow and regret, and that is not the life I want for you. I will somehow console myself with the truth, the few memories we have shared will sustain me but the burden I bear is too great to share.
And under the shadow of the night, I have slipped from your hands and your life, maybe to never meet again. If I had looked into your eyes, I would have weakened, my resolve would have broken – I just couldn't. So under the guise of the coward, I leave you with my hopes and dreams for the chance to love again, to be whole. Forget me, forget our love and forget the life we shared.
Jeevika.'
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"I was just a young boy when I lost my father… it completely broke me, but you… You lost both your parents; how, just how did you cope?"
"When the one above gives us pain, he also gives us the strength to endure the pain and grief so we overcome it."
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"You kept the fast?"
"Why not? If women can do the same things as men, then can't I do this?"
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"How do I possibly make you understand? There was nothing… nothing. Ever since I looked in your eyes, all I could see was my future. I swear on the Ganga… and if you still don't believe me, then I swear on my parents…"
"How did I make such a big mistake in reading you?"
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"You realise the true importance of a person in your life when there's the possibility of losing them. That was when I realised just how much I love you…"
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"Of course! The stars and moon and the night sky bore witness to me coming here, especially for you."
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"It's nothing like that! You know, I'm not usually like this but the thing is, I was thinking about Jeevika and started missing her, so here I am."
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"You're scared… of marrying me?"
"No! No, nothing like that…"
"If I'm telling the truth, I'm scared too."
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"Happy Honeymoon Mrs. Vadhera."
"She agreed?"
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"I can bear everything, just not some other girl with you."
"Jeevika, you are the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I love you Viren-ji…"
"Say, are all girls this possessive?"
"I don't know about other girls, but there's me."
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"You've been charged with looking at another woman in front of your wife!"
"Tell me Lady Judge, if my eyes were upon you all that time, how could I possibly have been looking at another woman?"
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"I bought this necklace when I was in a conference in Delhi; I was just waiting for the perfect girl to be mine."
"So you mean this necklace has been destined to be mine for the last year?"
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"You're going to be a dad…"
"Such a small issue, come on Jeevika, you could have tol- wait… What did you say?"
"You're going to be a dad."
"Are you serious? Me a dad! Then you'll be a mum, Ma because Dadi, Dadaji to Pardadaji, Badi Ma to Badi Dadi, Virat to Chachu!"
"Yes, I think I got it. Right now, I just want you to give me a hug…"
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"I'll spend the rest of my days painting portraits of you and our beautiful little daughter."
"And what if it's a boy?"
"A boy? Then I'll make his an artist too! We'll both sit and just draw portraits of you."
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"How could you ever think of destroying one life for another? A life that has no voice; how can you as a mother want to destroy it?"
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"We need to do this… for Mannu."
"I'll support you through whatever Jeevika."
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"If you break, then how will I stay strong? Please Jeevika…"
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"Jeevika, she's going to be fine; Manvi's going to be fine!"
"I can't believe it; my Mannu's going to be okay. She's going to be okay…"
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
"I'm sorry Mrs. Vadhera, it seems you are infertile…"
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