Most people here may not even want to take a peek into Mallika's mind...but I felt like making the attempt...the result is before you...!
I stroke my belly softly. I can feel a tiny response. It is like a little butterfly fluttering its wings within its cocoon. I know it is my imagination. I am not far along enough to start feeling it yet. But my mind knows it and my body does too in ways that are inexplicable. So, it chooses to offer me a phantom experience. Maybe it is my mind's way of reminding me of my vile past and my resultant bleak future. Not that I have forgotten any of it. It will remain a cross that I will bear for the rest of my existence.
I have actually been entrusted by Nature with the responsibility of nurturing life. I, a potential murderess, have been endowed with this responsibility of perpetuating life. Why did Nature choose to bestow this blessing on me? When thousands of good men and women out there long for this blessing, why have two vile human beings been chosen to recreate life's greatest miracle- life itself? I don't know!
Is there something that I have done in the distant past that merits this blessing? I try to think back but all I can recall is Nidhi's appalled face when I coerced Ashutosh into practically throwing her out of her own home. I still shudder to think of that vile smirk I sported as I watched in glee. I had successfully duped my best friend into doing something that no right thinking man would have. I had created such a smokescreen that my gullible friend was left with no option but to believe me. Like a gallant knight, he had defended his friendship and possibly irreparably compromised his love. That is what I thought until she came back. When she challenged me thereafter, all I saw was an adversary who had taken away what was rightfully mine. I did not see a vulnerable young woman who was fighting desperately to save her love and her marriage. A woman who had given up all, fought against all societal perceptions to be with the man of her choice. A woman who was my best friend's greatest source of joy. In my blind hatred, I chose to lash out and scheme further to destroy her happiness. What an evil woman I had been? A doctor who had been willing to take a life to satisfy her desires!
I cringe even now when I think back to all that I did. The memory of the look on Ashutosh's face when he knew the truth will haunt me till the day I die. He had been betrayed by a friend, a woman whom he had chosen to trust over the love of his life. I had used him as a weapon to destroy the peace of the woman he loved above all else, a woman who was his heart and soul. I know he will never forgive me for it. Even if he does, I wonder if I ever will.
I had told myself that i would keep well away from them. But ever since I got to know that I was carrying another life within me, I felt a strange restlessness. I wanted to reach out to him,
I wanted to reach out to Nidhi. I even called him on his birthday but he chose not to pick up my call. I have been desperate to reach out to him ever since. I just don't know how!
I want to talk to him and Nidhi. I want to share the news of this blessing that Nature has endowed on me. I want to beg for their forgiveness not for myself, but as a blessing for my child. Nature has chosen to make me a vessel, a carrier of a future life. I do not want my past to taint my baby's future. I don't want the child to carry forward this legacy of hatred. So long as this burden of the past remains within me, my child too will be corroded by it. I want to beg Ashutosh and Nidhi to help me get rid of this burden. I want them to help me save this life within me. I have sinned most against them, my best friend and his child bride. I have sinned against love. Let this not curse my child to a life of hatred and loneliness. God, spare this child the punishment that its sinner mother deserves. If indeed life is a blessing, then you have chosen to give me this blessing. Let this not be tainted by my vile past. Please help me find a way to reconnect with the two people whom I have hurt beyond belief. Let me plead for their mercy, let me plead for their blessing for this life within me. If it does not receive the blessing of their pardon, I know my child will be tainted for life. God, if not to this vile woman, grant this blessing to an innocent child. Let it not come into this world carrying the burden of its mother's vile past. Give me this one opportunity, I beg of you. Give me this one opportunity to seek redemption from the two people in the world who have the power to grant it.
Tears seep through my closed eyelids and run down my cheeks. I can't stop crying and still, I can't stop praying. There is a gentle knock at the door. I open my eyes.
Ashutosh stands at the doorway looking straight into my eyes!
