Chapter 26: Before I Fall Again...
When we finally arrived at the boat jetty in Alleppey after leaving Johnny in Madras and boarding the train to Kerala, it was early evening the next day. I don't know what I had expected, but the sight that greeted us when we walked down the unpaved path towards where the boats were moored was not exactly it.
We were both led over a narrow wooden plank from solid ground to step onto the boat, something that turned into a minor adventure in itself. I didn't know how to swim and lived in perpetual fear of falling into the water and drowning. When I was younger, whenever we crossed a bridge, even a footbridge over a canal, I used to bury my face against my father's legs until he would pick me up and then I would hide in the crook of his shoulder until we were over the bridge. But I loved water, despite all that. There had always been something magical and mysterious about it, even as petrifying as it seemed to me.
There was a moment when I stepped onto that narrow wooden plank when it shook just a bit and I felt a clenching fear seize my belly. I hadn't realized that I had put a hand out to steady myself until I felt him take it. I was tempted to pull it back from his grip, but my survival instinct was stronger, and when I felt the shuddering of the plank when I took another step, I held onto his hand as if it was a lifeline. I saw the man at the other end, holding onto the plank for additional support, smile teasingly at us as if we were indeed newlyweds.
Once we were both inside the boat was the real surprise. It was so much more... intimate... than I had imagined. There was no electricity of course; instead I could see several lanterns hanging at different sides of the boat, unlit now as there was still the light from the setting sun. There were wide curtained windows on the covered enclosure that took up the majority of the middle section of the boat that I assumed was the... bedroom. On either side of the enclosure, there was a narrow corridor to get through, but I could see that with the way that the windows were situated, there would an exceptional view of the outside from the bedroom. The space that we were standing in at the front end of the boat had two lounging chairs and a deck at the end where the oarsmen stood with a long bamboo pole for punting. We were told that during the day, we would move along at about 10 to 14 knots speed, practically a snail's pace, and that we would have the option of getting off to explore specific destinations as well as those of interest to us. During nights, the boat will be moored in areas where it would allow us the best view of the water. We were still at the tail end of the monsoon season, so they anticipated that there will be a constant drizzle or at times heavier rain during this week long trip, but they assured us that monsoon was the best time for house-boating trips, especially for newlyweds. We were also advised to drop the mosquito nets around our bed at night. They went onto say other things, but I barely listened, my ears not moving past the words rain, newlyweds, and bed. These were all things I had experienced in Varanasi just two days ago and yet this boat with its isolation and lantern lights and rustic charm made me want to jump out of it and swim back to Varanasi if need be, my swimming challenges notwithstanding.
I couldn't be alone with him for all that time... I really just couldn't... I took back everything that I had thought before... I wasn't mature... I didn't have any experience in anything that mattered... I didn't even understand my body, as I had found out just two days ago, and hence I was starting to doubt how well I knew myself...
Lalitha...
The name flashed in my mind all of a sudden and I grabbed onto it like it was another life-line.
I asked my mind to illustrate my husband to me as a traitorous two-timing liar... It was an image that my mind had drawn and redrawn many times in the past and an exercise with which it was quite familiar.
And yet... something about the whole thing seemed just a bit forced now... even while all evidence pointed to a permanent mark of infidelity upon his person, my mind had grabbed onto something elusive in the past few days that it couldn't yet make sense of... It now lacked conviction even as it repeated the mantra of the duplicity of the man that I had married...
But I knew I had to rediscover my conviction...
I had to rediscover it rather quickly before all this rain and lantern light and rustic charm and isolation got to me...
I had to rediscover it before I fell again...
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Geet - Hui Sabse Parayee
Bade Achche Lagte Hain Naya Season
