Part 2 : Facing The Past and the Present
Khushi was staring at Arnav's face the entire duration of the journey, which was about one to one and a half hours.
Hey Devi Maiyya! What is wrong now? He is not even looking at me. I know he knows I am looking at him. And why are we going to Lucknow? And now!? Which means we will be staying the night there, but we did not pack any clothes. Oh Khushi! This Lord Governor is so angry and you are thinking about clothes. Think about why he is taking you all the way to Lucknow. I am sure he has planned revenge for the tricks I played on him these two days. But wait a minute, I already made sure he doesn't know anything about it.
Khushi tries to think hard about what might have happened while she was away with Buaji and Amma.
He was home alone with Bauji. Bauji can't talk. That means he was alone at home with no one to talk to. Anyway, chui mui Lord Governor doesn't need anyone to talk to.
Khushi then suddenly remembers something.
Oh no! what if Lata masi told him about what I did in the morning? No wonder he is taking me all the way to Lucknow. He must not want anyone to know how he is going to punish me, which only means he is really serious about punishing me this time. What if he dumps me in the streets of Lucknow and returns to Delhi? Hey Devi Maiyya! Protect me! Way to go Khushi! Isn't this exactly what you wanted? For him to throw you out of Shantivan? Yes, but I didn't want him to leave me in Lucknow. I have to think about who I can go to'.
***
Khushi is so lost in her thoughts that she doesn't even realize when they land and Arnav holds her hand asking her to get out of the helicopter. He tells the pilot that they will be leaving in the morning and will be informed of the time later. Khushi had been shielding her eyes from the harsh torrents created by the helicopter blades, which is why she didn't notice the palatial building in front of her and didn't recognize her surroundings. She wondered why of all places in Lucknow did he bring her here. To Sheesh Mahal.
Khushi tried to speak. Her ever curious mind wanted to ask him why they were here and the suspense was literally killing her from inside. She opened her mouth but the words didn't come out. This was one of those times her heart told her 'speak and you will be sorry', and she didn't want to be sorry, especially not in front of the Rakshas. They proceeded up a flight of stairs and stopped at a grand door. All the way up here she noticed servants spaced at regular distances like this was the palace of some prince, and each time they passed a servant they bowed before Arnav and her. The two men at the door opened it for them and stood aside waiting for them to enter, when Arnav without looking at them commanded "Close the doors and leave this floor. We are not to be disturbed till morning".
Arnav led her straight into the suite, which was exactly like that of a prince, to the huge balcony onwards and let go of her hand. His face turned towards the stars, showing signs of aging that were not present on his face when she had left him with her father in the afternoon. Khushi thought silently "What has happened to him? Surely, what Lata masi must've told him wasn't so bad for him to look like that." She remembered the last time she saw him gazing at the stars in the night sky. That night he was remembering his mother. Khushi was lost in her thoughts again when Arnav brought her out of her reverie.
Arnav: Do you remember this place Khushi?
Khushi realized that he was waiting for her answer. He was still gazing at the sky and not looking at her. This was not a good sign.
Khushi: (stuttering) Yes. (with conviction) How can I forget? That one night completely changed the course of my life.
Arnav: Not just yours Khushi, mine too.
Khushi: How could I have affected your life?
Arnav: (ignoring her question) My relationship with this place is very similar to my relationship with you.
Khushi: How so?
Arnav: (turning and looking into her eyes) I hate it. (sees that Khushi's eyes have started to well up and returns to looking up at the stars)
Khushi: (embers of anger starting to flicker stating incredulously) You dragged me to Lucknow to tell me you hate me?
Arnav: No.
Khushi: Then why else?
Arnav: Be patient Khushi, please. You want answers, right?
Khushi: Yes. I've wanted them for so many months now.
Arnav: You will get them tonight. You will know why I hate this place, why I hate you, and why despite everything I decided to marry you. All I want from you is a promise to listen to everything I have to tell without any interruption. Can you do that much?
Khushi: (Thinking "people were not enough that he has to hate places as well, wonder which animals he hates now". Then switching to drama mode and putting her right hand forward) I solemnly swear, in the name of Devi Maiyya, to listen to every word you have to say tonight without interrupting you.
Arnav: Thank you. You can sit down. I have a lot to tell and it will take a lot of time. Just don't fall asleep on the chair. You will have to pay close attention to what I say. Okay?
Khushi sits on the closest chair and thinks "Surely his blood sugar levels must have soared. He was so angry and still he is acting so sweet. First 'please' then 'thank you', all that is left is 'sorry' and the three magic words are complete... Magic? Maybe he is under a spell. Let him talk, then I'll come to know."
Arnav: You must have wondered of all the places in Lucknow, why in the world I brought you here. Am I right? (Khushi is bewildered thinking about how he knows and nods in response) I know Khushi, I know how you think. Well, to answer your question, there are two reasons. The first you probably guessed' this is the place where we met for the first time. Second, this is also my house. I did not just buy it with money, it is rightfully mine because I am its heir. I was born here and spent the first fifteen years of my life in this house. Once upon a time, it was my home. (Khushi noted the difference' it was his home' it isn't anymore)
We were a happy family' Maa, Papa, Di and myself, and of course Chachaji. I was my Maa's favourite and I knew it. You could say I was everybody's favourite as Chachaji was not married. Even as a boy I was arrogant and proud, I was rude, just like any other rich spoilt brat, but I wasn't ruthless. I played pranks on people and even got punished for them, sometimes spanked. Granted I didn't let people physically close to me except my mother, I only allowed her to hug me, but I loved to have fun and share my thoughts and feelings with everybody. I liked to be around people. I cared for people in my own way. I was polite when it was required of me and I did everything Maa expected of me. Still there was one thing I could never do. I couldn't control my temper. But Maa always knew how to simmer it down. My relationship with Di was like any other brother-sister relationship. She tried to take care of me and show me her love and I was always irked because of it. It was just not cool. Papa to me was the perfect father and Chachaji was the best friend. Life was as perfect as life could be. You must know Khushi, what I was back then was all because of my mother. I had faith in people, I had faith in God, heck I even believed in fairy tales, when she told me she would bring me a princess. For me the perfect love story was Maa and Papa's. They fell in love, but their families objected to their union and they were separated. They fought against all odds and ran away together. Their parents found them the next day after they had married. It took a few days for their parents to get over the shocking development, but everything was eventually back to normal. It was perfect because like all other epic love stories theirs did not end in a tragedy, i.e. with them dead, rather they were able to rear a family.
Arnav paused for a moment to let his words sink in, for her to paint the image in her mind.
Khushi: You had everything one ever dreams of! A loving family, friends, wealth'.
Arnav: Yes, everything and more. And then our shores were struck by a tsunami which destroyed everything' Di was to be married to a boy among our family friends, who she had fallen in love with, and everything was going just as planned' One day before the wedding, Maa found out that Papa was having affairs for the past five years. Every time he went out of town for conferences, it was to meet one of his many mistresses. I came to know about it because I heard them fighting that night in their room. It was decided that for my sister's sake, they would pretend that all was well, and I decided to pretend along with them. On the wedding day, with all the guests and celebrations, everyone was so happy, and I was happy for Di. And then, the phone rang. Papa had been in an accident. He was killed, and with him was one of his mistresses. This news spread like wildfire. The wedding was cancelled, and the love of Di's life left her all alone. Maa could not face anybody because of the shame. She left her whole world behind for Papa, and his love for her was fake. She was just a pretty face that he wanted as his wife, while she gave him her all. It was so depressing for her that she committed suicide by shooting herself in the head. She did not even think of me and Di. We still had hope though, we had faith in Chachaji' But the torture wasn't over yet. My best friend, my Chachaji threw me and Di out of Sheesh Mahal. He said he wasn't obligated to look after us, he was a man of principles and now that my father was dead this house was his. We pleaded with him, we begged him, we asked him not to leave us alone, to have some mercy on us, but he didn't. (By now Khushi had begun to silently shed tears listening to Arnav' story).
We spent three days on the streets before Nani found us and took us with her to Delhi. In those three days, I made some promises to myself. I swore to never look back on this house ever again. I even got rid of my father's name, I was Arnav Malik until that day. I buried those memories deep down in my heart and swore to never be weak and listen to my heart again. I would never trust anyone to have any good intentions. When I entered Nani's house I was reborn as Arnav Singh Raizada. I did not believe in relationships except the one I shared with Di. I did not believe in God and I did not believe in people, period. Everybody in the world has their own agenda. It's a matter of give and take, and I learnt to do just that. Everything became a deal for me. Well, everything except Di. I wasn't going to be indebted by anyone anymore. I swore I would repay everyone's kindness, even Nani's. I would never accept any favours. I would be my own man, complete in myself and totally independent. I would never let anyone close to me again, instead I would be the one controlling everything.
You must be wondering, if Di and I had the same upbringing, how come we chose such different paths? We were always opposites, she embraced God and love and I decided to forgo it. I worked very hard to be where I am today. I knew people pitied us and I hated it. I wanted them to fear me and to be in awe of me. I wanted to control my own destiny to make sure nothing like that ever happened to Di and me ever again.
I will never forget that day, 6th June 2011. All I had aimed for was finally done. I was rich, famous, powerful. I had repaid Nani her generosity with more than what was enough. Di was married and happy with her husband. I had begun to consider Di as a second mother and Shyam had begun to look more like a father figure. I listened to him and had begun to trust him. This family had taken me in when all was lost and I have taken it upon myself to provide for them in return. I had promised Di that one day Sheesh Mahal will be hers, and it was that day that I had finally achieved it. I was just beginning to feel content with my life when you entered it.
There you were on the stage causing people to whisper about tardy arrangements done by my company, and that angered me. The only logical explanation I could think of was that you were there to ruin me, and in time I found out I was right.
Khushi: (outraged) How can you even say you were right? I already told you I was there by mistake and you believed me. You yourself told Jiji that it wasn't my fault. What happened now?
Arnav: (Arnav was calm, expecting Khushi to react like this) Relax, Khushi. Let me finish. You'll know what I mean' When I interrogated you that night was the first time somebody had dared to question Arnav Singh Raizada. I thought I made sure you knew who you were dealing with when I tore that chain of pearls away from your blouse. I let you go, thinking I would never see you again, and I made sure the world wouldn't see us together either. But I did see you again. I was only at the dargah because Di had forced me to go, and there you were with my key in your hands. I didn't want to even look at you, so I walked away, but you followed me. You told me I could not control my destiny when that was the only thing I was trying so hard to do. I had to prove you wrong, so I had you defamed. It didn't bother me a bit to be associated with you, I had to prove my point. I kept a watch on you and I was informed that you'd left town because of the shame. I had accomplished what I had set out to do, but I was still not satisfied with it, when again, we literally crossed paths with each other. I thought maybe now you would admit you were wrong, but you did exactly the opposite. You declared me guilty.
Then I met you in the parking lot of my own office building and we fought again. I didn't know what it was about you that made me so angry' Then I find out that I am your employer. When I told you to get out, you told me you wouldn't work for me if your life depended on it. (laughs in sarcasm) And then your life was literally in my hands. I wanted you to tell me to save you, but you preferred death to being saved by me, so I dropped you. I knew you would land on the boxes below. I thought maybe now you would understand what you were playing at, but no, you challenged me yet again and told me I was wrong. Your attitude irked me because you dared to stand up to me. I was determined to break you and make an example out of you for anyone that dared to do what you were doing. I had a game plan ready based on your weaknesses. In fact, you were all I thought about since I met you. Your first task, taking measurements of male models. I had gauged that you were respectable enough to not go near strange men, let alone take their measurements, but you did. I still don't know how, but you did it. I knew your English was bad, so I gave you a dictation. I was confident you would fail, because it's something some of my most educated employees find hard to do. Still, you succeeded. You were efficient. If I wasn't so cross with you, I would have been amazed.
I needed to work a new strategy and I found it. You needed to go home early that day and I wasn't going to let you. I knew your family was important. You would have to resign to go home. So I gave you that paper work and made you stand for hours with a models coat. And again you managed to ruin things. The best way out was to use you as the model but I wasn't going to let an opportunity to torture you to pass by so easily. You wouldn't wear a dress so revealing if your life depended on it. Your dignity was important to you. You found a way around that too. Not only that, you also convinced everybody to your point of view. I had to concede' The game wasn't over yet, so I sent you to the parking lot, and for the first time in my life after so many years you made me feel sorry. For the first time, I thought maybe I wasn't right to do what I was doing to you. When I saw that car going towards you there was only one thought in my mind. I would never like it if you were hurt.
That night I couldn't sleep. I wasn't going to let you sleep either. I know it was childish, but I wanted you out of my life. And since I couldn't leave you, I was going to make you leave me'
Lavanya was a temporary part of my life, which is why I never even introduced her to Di. Our relationship was because it was convenient. She had a rich boyfriend to flaunt and I did had to hunt for a date at the last minute if I ever required one. It was like a job. She knew what I liked and did whatever I told her. No questions and no complaints. There was nothing emotional about it, never from my side.
That day when you came to my house with those files I'd asked, you told Nani exactly what I had been trying to hide. I was angry and there was barely anything I could do about it, and also Di seemed to like you a lot. So, I sent you away to the guesthouse just so I could put some distance between us. I didn't know it was in such a '. I really didn't, but when I did I came as soon as possible to rescue you. I tried to explain. You didn't listen and when you fainted in my arms for the first time, I felt like my heart really beating again. After that night, I wanted to see you again, I wanted to explain; you didn't let me. I let you vent your anger on me because I deserved it and also hoping that afterwards you would listen to me. You never did. You avoided me, and I grew angrier everyday. And then you told me you were leaving Delhi and I felt a part of me die. I didn't know why but I didn't want you to go and Di noticed my bad moods. She thought it was because of the tension between me and Nani because of Lavanya. She was wrong of course, my bad moods were because of you. I was even at your house to see for myself if you had left and saw the locked doors.
Just when I thought I would never see you again, I found you hiding in my wardrobe. Again, I tried in vain to talk to you and you ran away. I decided to ignore you as well when next day I found you employed to train my girlfriend. I was not going to take it. I wanted you out of my life but Di wanted you in it and so I had to relent. I couldn't bear it when you were close to me, because I felt my resolve weakening and I took out my frustration on you by yelling at you. I would never admit it then but your tricks used to take me by surprise. They were refreshing and reminded me of the young boy that I was. You were unearthing memories I had spent years burying. Every wall around my heart was slowly but steadily crumbling. I had grown used to you. My day didn't go well if I did not get at least a glimpse of you. That's why when you turned Lavanya into wanting to get married I was furious. I didn't want her back when she was leaving. You tried to convince to bring her back and I didn't listen but I couldn't bear your tears either. So to make you happy, I brought her back. By now I was subconsciously finding excuses to be near you. That's why, when you would call I would come.
On the night of Diwali, I realized my feelings for you were more than just mere physical attraction. I didn't even realize how I came so close to you. If that phone didn't ring then'' You asked me how I had your Payal. I found it at the poolside at Di's anniversary party. I had seen it fall off your feet. I kept it, I didn't know why. I just wanted to keep it. I only returned it because you said it was your mother's. I didn't tell you that night when you first asked because I myself was conflicted on that account. I announced my engagement so that I could know whether you were affected by it. That is the reason I wanted to drop you home at night, to know what you felt. You avoided the topic and pretended to be happy and that angered me further. When I found out that you were engaged as well, I felt like there was no more ground beneath my feet. I wanted one sign from you and I would have left the whole world behind. So I preponed my engagement for the next day but when you came to talk to me I thought I could give you more time and postponed it to a week. I thought I would be able to get some reaction from you at the time. Believe me, everything I did was to make you jealous, and then I realized what I did was only hurting you. Maybe you did love this other guy and I should not be in the way of your happiness. I decided to let you go. In the midst of this, I realized I wasn't being fair to Lavanya and I broke up with her. She was in love with me, but I never loved her and would never be able to as well.
When you told me that your engagement was off, I was more happy than sad, because maybe finally I still did have a chance with you. It did take jealousy brought on by NK to act on my feelings, but I was still cautious. I wanted to know that you had at least an ounce of affection for me before I made my move. I was sure of it on the day of the wedding so I decided I would propose. That's why I wanted to talk that day. You remember, when we were standing in front of that mirror and Nani had called me.
Khushi: (whispers) Yes.
Arnav: Di had been in an accident, and had narrowly escaped death. I was distraught. I couldn't imagine my life without her.
Khushi: How come I don't know about it?
Arnav: Di didn't want the guests worried about her. It was somebody else's special day. I cried on her lap and made her promise me to not leave me alone. She told me "don't let the one you love ever go away from you". I knew in that instant she meant you. So I followed you to the terrace'(Khushi gasps inaudibly as her mind registers Arnav's words and the events of that night) what I saw there shocked me. You were in Shyam's embrace and he was telling you how much he loved you and that his marriage meant nothing to him. I felt cheated, because I trusted that man to take care of my sister and he was saying this. When you got out of his embrace I expected you to slap him, tell him you were disgusted with him, but you said nothing like that. Your words that night tortured me "If this marriage does not mean anything to you, why don't you leave Anjali?" That was when I felt betrayed and left that place.
I confronted Shyam. He refuted at first but when I told him I'd witnessed the scene on the terrace, he admitted to his crime, and told me you both loved each other. That the only one in your way was Di. I decided Di had to know that truth. I had even managed to blurt it out before I turned and found her sprawled on the floor. I tried to tell her again when I found out she was pregnant. She was so happy with this news I couldn't tell her that her husband was a cheat. So I left to nowhere in particular, stopped the car when I was alone and broke down. It was all a repeat of what happened when we left Sheesh Mahal. It all came crashing down again. The betrayal hit me very hard and I decided to do the only thing I could. I couldn't tell Di, and I couldn't just make Shyam disappear from the face of this earth, but I could control you. With what I'd seen, I knew you wouldn't marry me if I begged you on my knees so I threatened you. The six months clause was just to make it easier for you to agree to marry me knowing you would be free soon. I imagined you would never want to live with me forever, and this thought bothered me to no end. I took out my frustration on you. I first time you ran away, I brought you back by force, but the second time, I knew I had to be smarter. So I made you believe I would follow through on my threats if you dared to disobey me. I didn't give the papers to you that day because they weren't divorce papers that Aakash had signed so mercilessly. They were papers regarding the Nainital deal. I only wanted you to believe they were.
On the day of Holi I felt something had happened between us. I felt maybe the situation wasn't so hopeless afterll. I thought now that you had promised not to leave this house and carry on with the charade I would let you have your own way. Otherwise there was no way I would give up my personal space for anybody.
I had been fighting the world for so long a time that when no one was left to be battled I started fighting myself. Despite all the reasons I had to hate you, I still loved you and I hated myself for it. I hated myself for hoping that maybe, just maybe all that I'd seen on the terrace that night was a lie. I wanted you to be the innocent one but my mind wouldn't accept what my heart said. My mind never failed me before when my heart already had. When I ponder it, I think I married you more out of fear of losing you than controlling like I'd convinced myself at the time. And today I came to know that I wasn't hoping in vain, you were innocent all along. My only regret is that you didn't trust me enough to tell me about it when you found out. You couldn't tell Di, I know, but you could've told me. Maybe I am only to be blamed for it, I was always too harsh on you.
Arnav finally turned to look at Khushi again. The tears in her eyes told him she was hurt by his lack of trust, that he thought she could stoop so low. He still had something more to ask of her.
Arnav: Khushi? ' I know what I did to you was unpardonable and I am sorry for it. I understand if you don't have it in you to forgive me' I need you to make a decision tonight. I am offering you two options. I will not force you. You are completely free to choose anyone. The first option is for you to leave me. (Khushi looks at Arnav bewildered but Arnav continues, looking away from her) I will make sure you get the divorce as soon as possible. You won't have to give any explanations about it to anybody, I will take care of that. As my wife, you are entitled to half my wealth and you will receive that as your divorce settlement. With that much money, you along with your family will be able to start your lives anew in any place in the world. You won't have to even see my face ever again. (Arnav pauses)
Khushi: And the second option?
Arnav: (Looks into Khushi's eyes almost pleading with her he whispers) Stay with me.
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Part 3: Signs - https://www.indiaforums.com/forum/post/56201455
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