DECISION TAKING
* NOTE: Anything inblue italics is in the past.
Its been over a year now. I'm not over him. Every morning is still different without him. Like today. The city seems empty without him. I feel empty without him.
I got up to the sound of my alarm. Thankfully had a dreamless sleep. I went out in the balcony with a cup of coffee. Black as we both liked. The chirping of the birds seemed unfamiliar too. The birds seemed to be enjoying their moments together. It made me smile. We used to do the same. We had our moments. Enjoying every moment of our life together. Reminiscing them always bought a smile to my lips. I finished my coffee and was about to leave when I noticed that the birds seemed to have disappeared somewhere. Only one was visible, who was flying into the sky. Alone. Was it a sign? Probably.
I still remember it like it was yesterday. Arjun and I were the best of friends. We spent almost every moment of our lives together. We knew each other like the back of our hands. It was not surprising for anyone when we decided to take our friendship to another level. Every girl in the college was jealous of me, I could see it, sense it. But I didn't care. I had the most handsome guy in love with me. He indeed was handsome, but for me it was his eyes, warm and deep, which spoke volumes to me. It was his smile, that washed away my worries instantly. It was his heart, that accepted me the way I was. It was his embrace where I felt safe and protected. That was what I loved of him. How I longed to be there right now. But I knew it was not possible anymore.
I remember the night when he had proposed to me. How could I forget that. It was the most beautiful night of my life. Everything was as I desired. Spontaneity made it even more memorable. I was clad in a white gown, his choice ofcourse. And my prince charming, he was in black. It was my parent's wedding anniversary. 'i wish I'd have a husband like my dad, caring and supportive in everything I do. One who would love me even if I grow fat.' Arjun smiled at my puppy face, 'Ofcourse I know that sweet heart.' And before I knew it. He was down on one knee with a diamond ring in his hand. 'I know its too early maybe, but I couldn't miss the moment. I know I may not be the perfect person in this world, but I assure you I'm perfect enough to take care of you. I promise I'd be by your side, in whatever decision you take in life. So miss Arohi Ahluwalia, will you marry this imperfect person who promises to love you till the end of his life?' the moment was perfect indeed. Dim lights. My prince charming with a diamond ring in his hand. Was it the words or his smile or he himself that I accepted his proposal. I hugged him tight after that. I was very happy. Tears of happiness evident in my eyes. 'So to be Mrs. Arohi Arjun Singhania, are you happy now?' that's what I'll be I realized. Too happy to speak I nodded a yes.
How was I to forget him? How was I to live without him? I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked miserable. I knew he wouldn't have liked seeing me like this but I wasn't left with any choice. He had left me in this position. I moved my hands along the surface of the mirror, where I used to write his name time and again whenever I missed him. It seemed just yesterday that it was full of lipstick with Arjun written all over it. Why had life written that fateful day in my life, when everything was perfect. When I was going to get married to the love of my life in a month.
'I'll be back in two days sweetheart. I promise. I just have to finish that deal. You know na how important that deal is for me.' I don't know why I was reluctant that day. It wasn't for the first time that he was going anyway. I agreed even though I wasn't sure that he should go. I talked to him for almost the entire night that time. The perfect man, consoling me and trying to put me to sleep. It seemed like he was just next to me. 'I promise I'd be by your side tomorrow sweety. You can cuddle me instead of softy tomorrow.' 'very funny, naughty man. I'm fine now. You have an early flight tomorrow. You should sleep. I'll look forward to your hug on the airport.' But he never came. The flight had crashed before it reached Mumbai. I never got to see his smiling face on the airport. I never received that hug that I had longed for. That was the last time I ever heard his voice. My life had shattered into pieces that very day. Since then I was alive but I wasn't living.
Its been over a year now. I'm still not over him. I still feel empty without him. I never got to be Mrs. Arohi Arjun Singhania, even though I was the only woman he ever loved, even though he was the only man I'd ever love. He on the other hand he stood by his promise. He was perfect enough to take care of me. He loved me till he died. And now even when he is gone, he's always here with me. Supporting me in whatever decision I take. Its after immense pressure from my family and the letter which Arjun had written for me when he had asked my hand in marriage.'This is a letter which I have written. Read it when you feel you can't go on in life anymore. You feel like you want to end it. Promise you you won't open it before.' I didn't know why he was talking like that. But I accepted his promise. It was time to open that letter now.
"Hey sweetheart. Probably I'm not nearby or else you wouldn't have opened this. (unless drama queen broke her promise, which I doubt) its not always the end when its seems so, there's always another door open for you. You need to open your eyes to see it. Things are tough, I know but so is my Arohi. There'll always be someone by your side, if not me. But remember I'm always there with you if you promise to live your life fully, smiling even when times may seem difficult. Know that I'm her with you. At times you don't get the perfect things but you should always make the most of what you have. I'll always be there with you. With lots of love. Your (I don't know what to write, but since I'm going to be) husband, Arjun."
That letter was the one that persuaded me to stand where I am right now. ' I know you love Arjun and you will always do so, I Salil Mittal was/am his best friend. I had promised Arjun I'd take care of you in his absence. And I want to abide by that promise. I want to marry you.' I looked at Salil as if he had made some mistakes. How could I marry him?! 'Arohi, I will stand by you as a friend, as a companion. In life you don't always get the perfect ending, but you do need a companion to share things with. I promise I'll always be there for you.' ' I love him.' 'I know. I do so too.' 'I will never be able to love you.' ' I know. I just want to be by your side, and keep my words. Eventually we will like each others company. I know I'll never be able to take his place. And I don't want to. So Arohi Singhania, will you help me keep my word?'Probably it was the name which told me he'd understand what I felt and what I feel about Arjun.
After marrying Salil I did find a great friend in my husband. I did move on if you can say that. But I never loved him. It is still Arjun that I think about. Every morning while drinking coffee, I think of Arjun. Every morning when I look myself in the mirror I visualize his name written on it. I still sleep cuddling softy in my arms hoping that tomorrow would be a different day, that tomorrow Arjun will be next to me in my arms wishing me a good morning. And as for Salil, he knows I still love Arjun, and probably I always would. But he understands me very well. He's just happy to see me wake up and sleep with a smile. But me, I still wish it would've been that crooked smile I woke up for.
I don't regret the decision that I took, I knew that somewhere up above he's there supporting me, as he had said. He's there looking after me, looking upon me. And I had to smile for him. I had to live my life happily for him. For the world I'm Arohi Mittal but I even today I call myself Arohi Singhania Mittal. My life still begins and ends with a single name Arjun Singhania. And always will, till the end of my life
