Part 92
Dev was sitting silently listening to Sarada's questions.
Sarada: Dev, tell me. I heard more about Radhika from Suchi, she told me about her past, the sketch that she draw before even seeing you, her letter that she read, and to her recent behavior. So only i am asking you, your words can bring clarity to my thoughts. What might have provoked her to take such a big step, almost like a runaway, I won't call it complete runaway as she still tried to kept her contact with the family.
Dev was finally speak up: I don't know, I really don't know.
Sarada sitting lightly over her table edge , held his shoulder and asked him to look at her face: no Dev, there should be some solid reason behind this action, that might have happened without your knowledge, but hurt her badly, any incident or talk that you can recall.
Dev's lips were shivering , his eyes were moving corner to corner , on that table, he was digging hard on all the surfaces to find anything out.
Sarada very calmly : did she tell you anythime that she wants to come back.
"ha when she heard about Dadi's accident" the answer came quick
Sarada: then?
Dev: she talked to babuji , maaji, and they all comforted her saying dadi is fine.
Sarada: what did you say?
Dev in a normal tone : what can I say? Radhika knows I was busy and she was seeing me working on it, and it was impossible for me to even think at that moment.
Sarada: did you ever thought of sending her alone? You are the onewho was busy, she was free , right?
Dev: no, at that time, no, never.
Sarada: then why did you send her alone later?
Dev's gaze fell on that table mat. He gulped once, he remembered the night before her departure, her stiff cold body under his embrace., and the days and nights before also flashed in his mind quickly, his forehead tightened. she was not getting involved with anything around. I thought she need that break. Sarada was noticing all his reactions without his knowledge. And she gave him time to think, to dig it out well. Finally she saw those lines disappearing from his forehead as if he got the answer.
Sarada: Tell me Dev, why you changed your decision and send her alone.
Dev: she was getting so silent and was ........ was not interested in anything
Sarada: like?
Dev looked at sarada's face..?
Sarada: like what? Why you thought she is more silent? What was that she was not interested in?
Dev: I mean, even though I sit and worked on proect, she used to come and sit next to me and talked to me about her friend's marriage, and all that whatever happned that day when she was alone.. something generally
Sarada: and what you used to do
Dev: I just listened
Sarada: how?
Dev looked at her again...?
Sarada: I mean, how actively you listened to her. Did you ask her anything back or how you used to respond to her/
Dev: actually I was working on my projects, so I listened and acknowledged that I am listening , and sometimes if she see that I am not really listening then she used to give me a knock on my head and used to repeat and make me to acknowledge what she is saying, so sometimes I just "um" with all her talk
Sarada getting up from that table and sitting next to the chair: so that means, you were actually not listening to her, she tried to make you listen, but you passively tried to pacify her.
Dev looked at sarada
Sarada: it is not your fault dev, but yes, and you continued that mostly every talk of yours with her then , right?
. Dev looked at her unable to deny it...
Sarada: so maybe at some point, she also realized it, that her little talk or her little news are not important for you. Did anytime you openly mentioned that to her?
Dev thought back, and then: means?
Sarada: anytime did you raise your voice , to keep her silent
Dev tried to dig back
Sarada gave more explanation to her question : so that you can continue concentrate on yur work..
Dev: ha, few times, but that was not intentional, she was kept on talking about one of our friend's mom' funeral back here and she was taking it so seriously, unnecessarily, and was kept on talking about it, and I was in the middle of meeting and fixing that issue, I told her to keep quiet........ Then he went into silence as if thinking about it. His forehead tightened. Sarada waited patiently.
It was a Saturday evening and I was sitting on the sofa and was trying to figure out the issue,as usal Radhika came and sat near , holding onto my upper arm, and passively resting her head , looking into that monitor she started talking about it.
Radhika: It is not fair na
Dev: um
Radhika: Uma di is crying like anything. She wants to go, but if they try they can surely get the passport na
Dev: um
Radhika: see that is what I also was telling, but then Rema deedi told me, sometimes that also will be difficult and they may need to go to embassy directly and all, and it may take time to get everything settled
Dev: um
Radhika: Padamaja deedi also was crying, it seems like Uma deedi is more attached to her mom and Uma di has only her mom back in India
Dev: um
Radhika: now what she will do?
Dev: um
Radhika shaking his upper arm, looking at his face: what um um, are you listening to me? what Uma deedi will do now?
Dev slightly rubbing on his chest and placing his hands back on that keyboard: which Uma di?
Radhika: what?
Dev: um
Radhika: so you were not listening anything?
Dev: um. Tell me..
Radhika again holding onto his arm: what if that happened to us? I know dadi is back home, but still I feel so bad that I am unable to go, then what will be Uma di's condition. I never thought of it, poor deedi. But Rema deedi and Padmaja deedi, they all are very strong, they are ready to take care of the kids and was offering all the help, but still poor Uma di , she may wants to go and see her mom's face for one last moment probably...
Dev: um
Radhika: Is that can happen to us also?
Dev: um typing on somehting seriously on the keyboard...
Radhika:. What will we do then?. I heard them saying about their friends stories. The helplessness being away from family, you should listen to it too, it is really scary, I never thought about it atall, it seems like as it takes hours to get there everyone is missing one or the other occation that is happening in htier family. Do you know Balaji sir's cousin she got married last month and he didn't go... too bad na.
Dev: um
Radhika moving to the side, looked at his face: are you listening to me
Dev: um
Radhika: don't say Um, tell me what did I just say
Dev: um
Radhika held his chin and made him to look at her face and said: tell me what I just said
Dev: what did you say?
Radhika felt hurt and she made her face and said: you were not listening to me na
Dev: Radhika, can't you see , I am working, I need to fix this,
Radhika: then
Dev raising his voice: Can you please go and do something else, I am really busy now, did you get that, and please go, what is the need to talk all these now, see that is their issue ok. Now let me work on this and don't disturb me for some time.
But then later when he fixed it, he went to check on her, and she was sitting near the window looking outside at the park and he went and held her shoulder and looked outside. He tried to hold her close but then...
Radhika moving away: let me get the dinner ready
Dev: ok then, I am be right behind you.
Sarada: Dev
Dev jerking his head: ha
Sarada: so you had to, but
Dev: but that was just a response to that time, I was not doing it purposefully, I just wanted to fix things , so that I can be free and spend time with her.
Sarada: ha Dev, for you after saying it once, it gone from your mind, but for Rahdika. Your each raised voice , or your passive behavior with her, might have hurt her badly, so slowly she became silent and went in to her own questioning and reasoning. Does she has any friends
Dev: Ha, I mean, Rema deedi and all. She used to talk to them and we used to go out with them and all, for parties but then towards late she started finding some excuses and..
Sarada: exactly, she was doing all that to see you happy, she was trying to adjust her maximum. I heard about her from Suchi how she was when she came to Delhi. Even though you were in her picture, she felt that loneliness, but then when she got love, she felt your love that she waited for long, she just wanted to drown in that, and in that situation, small words, an irritation look, or let be just a casual talk to make her silent for few minutes, from you... might have hurt her really badly. because that was not her expecation, especially from you. and the deepness of hurt depends on the person who feel it, nobody can measure it, people respond differently to same situation. Some may take it lightly and forget it soon, some may take it very heavy and carry that weight inside them for long.... then the problem arise.
Dev: but it was not intentional,...
Sarada: I agree, you know what, it's a girlish thing, for you guys it is nothing, but for a girl, it is something so big. She might be remembering all those words that you said in your raised voice, she takes that so personally and she will be playing with those words to find the maximum worst thing to feel that hurt. You might have said her to "please leave me alone" but she might have took that in a different way, she might have felt that she is the cause, or cause of your irritation, or cause of your unhappiness, or cause of that distarbance. she might have blamed herself for all that silly things and the solution she found out was to run away, but she never wished to do that either, that is why she kept that contact.
Dev in a very serious tone: but she never contacted me, even afterknowing about our baby.
Sarada coming near and holding his shoulder: ha, she won't because she didn't want to be that problem maker in your life, she didn't want to be the cause of irritation in your face. She wanted to see you happy. So she remained silent over there and she remained silent over here too.
Dev: but then why she hide away from every one. she sould have gone home , na.
Sarada: I don't think that is intentional either. Suchi told me how you found her. She was leaving the signs behind about her existence. As far as I know she is a simple girl, who loves her family very much, who loves you very much, without any solid mind set up, she is happy the way she is. but that chain got broke now. But then also her inner mind wanted to see you. Did she ran away when she met you over there?
Dev: no, she came to me
Sarada: see, even though she is not telling that out, her action was showing it.
Dev: but then also she remained silent
Sarada: because now her mind is set to that. That silence came to her slowly with time, with her interactions over there, it may not be just you, may be outside atmosphere or events also influenced her. It is not just you. May be dadi's incident, maybe her friend's incidents,, who knows, but she was a dreamy girl who was able to sketch your face out without seeing you. So she has that deep thinking, deep imagination and then the same person can go reverse too, to the maximum to find the reason , to blame self, find the cause to be herself. It will be difficult to bring them back from that state.
Dev looked at her unbelievably.
.
Sarada: but with her, she was lucky to get a shelter in such a nice atmosphere. I know personally how the atmosphere of that asram is. So, that might have really pulled her back . The silent state or depression, the Asram and her interactions over there, really helped her not to go deep in that depression state. Because that was new atmosphere for her and she also did not had any expectation from anybody, or was not knowing what to expect from people over there. So whatever she got was a new experience and that really helped to learn or approach to things in different way. Can you see any change in Radhika now..
Dev: ha, vo. Ha, I can. She is reading on all these religious books and ...
Sarada with a smile: no Dev, it is good, that way she can gain some mental strength, she is out from her dreamy world ,, she is learning to face the reality. So in that situation we need to help her too. Don't question her much, because she may not be able to give a direct answer and that will make her more silent, which may end up with all the bad consequences.
........Even Suchi realized it late. She was also not happy, she felt hurt too, but if you stick on to that and questioning her, then you will never get back your Radhika. She will try to crawl more into her own inner space. This is just the beginning, this is the time to intervene, she did wrong, and she might be aware of that too, but she needs that love and caring. More questioning will not bring any solution Dev. There is nothing more to clarify , it happened, but you people are so young, and this is the time you learn how to travel together, you may find indifferences, but that is natural, don't accept the failure and walk away, don't try to ignore it either, because such situations will arise without our knowledge, what you can do is, learn to overcome it, holding her hand, and giving her the trust that you are with her, not only physically but also mentally.
Dev: but I...
Sarada : no Dev, you didn't do anything wrong. When you do your work, you are just forgetting the world around you. But that is not a problem, but that time Radhika felt all alone, and she tried to hide her true feelings from you, maybe not to irritate you much , maybe she felt more comfortable that way, which was not appropriate in others eyes but for her that was the right decision.
......Don't worry , Radhika is just fine and I am sure when she feel your love and caring back, she will only open up to you and tell you what happened in her mind. But for now I think this is what she is? and why she did it? Even though she is pregnant. and maybeyou both dreamed about it, talked about it , but she is not really taking it in her., because you both seen it together. So she is still taking everything the way she thinks is okay for her, and she is not taking that extra effort to take care of that new life in her. that extra care needs to come from you now. You need to bring her back into her colorful world, her talkative world. She may just follow you now, but without her expectation you need to show the support, your love. Then I am sure she will come back easily to normal self.
Dev sat silently. he wiped of his face and kept those hands covering his nose and mouth and tried to see it in those rubbing fingers.
Sarada: don't worry, you are not alone. Suchi is there with you, who knows you, who can understand you two well. So you are lucky... to have your mom knows all this now, who can support you without your explanation. And don't ever think it is your fault and take the blame. Blaming self is not the solution, that will only guide you to wrong way by suspecting once own behavior, and then things will happen like a robotic way. All the time you will think, can I do this, can i do that, will she like this, will she like that? that is not going to help. It should come from within. There was fault from everyones side, but the person who need help now is Radhika, and the person who can help her is you.
Dev stood silently and looked at Sarada thankfully.
Sarda: you are like my son Dev. Suchi is a great friend of me, we share everything, about our kids , about their success and their naughtiness, I felt envy on her when she used to talk about you, she is proud of you, so continue your journey and I am sure I will listen to your mom's proud talks again about her son.
Dev tried to smile. Sarada tapped on his shoulder assiring that confidence in him. .
Dev walked out silently. The staff looked at him and exchanged secrets, seeing madams son, but he didn't hear those giggles. He was trying to find more of such situations where he raised voice on her unknowingly, where he asked her to keep silent, so that he can finish his work quick and be with her.
When Dev came back to room, he saw Suchi sitting there next to Radhika. She looked at him. Dev tried to smile.
Suchi: she is sleeping now.
Dev went and sat near Suchi , on the arm rest of the chair , and rested his head on her shoulder. They both sat silently. Finally he said: Radhika really loved me a lot , right mom.
Suchi's eyes filled with tears and she just nodded her head agreeing his statement.
Dev: but then how I failed to see it, I asked her earlier too, why she run away from me, why she didn't tell me about the biggest happiness of our life? Why she avoided only me. He cried continuing the next sentence , when I only asked her to be silent, but I told her just for that moment, I never thought that will hurt her, I never thought that will lead her to run away from me like that., I never thought it that way Mom.
Suchi tapping his head sideways: I know
Dev: but then why did I ask her all those questions mom/
Suchi: it is not your fault.
Dev: ha, it is not my fault, not my fault mom, not my fault. I also love her so much. I do care about her, but then why she didn't see that, why she kept on thinking only those moments which gave her pain, why she didn't think of all those nice moments that we shared.
Suchi: That is human nature beta
Dev: but still
Suchi moved her shoulder and touched on his cheeks and looking into this watery eyes she said : Dev, this is not the time to cry and I don't like to see tears in my son's eyes. It should sparkle, like Radhika said, you should be special, you will be special. Um.
Dev tried to give a smile
Suchi wiped off his tears and said: now cheer up, we all are here, and we all need each other. Ok . Radhika was sick, sorry she is sick and the medicine is in your hand, and in our hand, so we can bring her back into her colorfull world .ok
Dev: um
Suchi: that's it. Now give me a smile
Dev tried to smile again.
Suchi shaking his chin, proudly: um, that's my boy
"What si going on here, between mom and son"
The doctor's voice brought them to the situation
Dr. : Suchi, good news, if she can eat something solid, then you are free to go.
Suchi: thanks.
By then Surender and all came back.
Suchi: the food is here, let's try
Dr: ha, and the when this bag get done, you can go....
Suchi: ha, let's try this now then.
The doctor chatted with surrender and Mohan , and dev.. while Rohini was checking on Radhika. She slowly woke up hearing the noise. Rohini went and sat near while Suchi told about doctor's decision . Dev glanced at Radhika every now and then while listening to Doctor's talk and Surender and Mohan 's comments. He smiled as he saw her eyes searched for him and then spotting him. She tried to smile too. Time passed by.
Radhika tried to get up. Dev came and helped her, she went and washed her face nicely and came back and sat for eating.
Dev , Moahn and Surender went out with settling things and with discharge papers.
Radhika took few bites listening to Rohini and Suchi's talk. , and drank full glass of water. The nurse came and discontinued the fluids and they helped her to change into a blue churidar.
Mohan held on to her hand as they walked out from the hospital.. The staff eyes were on them as they passed. Surrender pulled the car , and they all got in.
After settling everything back in order Mohan and Rohini left to Chandenpur. The talk of lechu's arrival next day came as they had their dinner. Radhika tried to gulp hard , to satisfy the eyes that were on her. After few minutes of talk Dev retired to his room, saying he is feeling tired too along with Radhika. Suchi watched them as they climbed those stairs.
Surender was on phone, Suchi waited. Surender looked at her surprisingly ,seeing her waiting for him, he raised his eyebrows to ask her what she needs, she just smiled and waited. Hanging up the phone quickly , Surender came near "is everything Ok, Suchi?"
Suchi: um
Surender: then what are you waiting for/
Suchi: I need to talk to you
Surender: talk what?
Suchi: about everything
Surender: what?
Suchi: come when you are done with your business work
Surender: no I am done , tell me
Suchi: let's go to our room
Surender followed her and as he entered the room, she closed the door and put the latch on. Surender looked at her. Coming near him, she guided him to outside patio, to the small swing, and sitting on it, she held his hand , and rested her head on his chest and her eyes filled up and her lips started moving.
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few asked me about my profile pic.. when i changed my profile pic to that tear drop , aunty santa sent me these rare flowers saying that tear drop won't suit me well. so , i was waiting for an appropriate time to change. snow is melting and rain started pouring around the corner in our area.. so next is our spring season.... so let the rare bloom spread its fragrance every where.....
thanks for reading my post dear.. have a good day...
part 93
Edited by Devika. - 14 years ago
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
