[Fan Fic] SaAlekh: 'Candle light scene' Sadi POV

I know I was suppressing emotions around him. Every second was a struggle. Occasionally,when he and I would stand too close, his hand would brush mine, our eyes would linger, or I'd catch a wisp of his breath, it would be excruciating for me. Howcould I avoid looking at him? How could I not feel pain when I couldn't touch the one I loved more than my life? It was all too much. Some days I would crymyself to sleep. And always, I dreamed of him. I would wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweats. I felt empty, alone, dead. A part of me was dying slowly. I knew that if we were separated, I would live, but for how long? I know the pain was poisoning me slowly. I was dying a slow and painful death.

At work, I would observe him, monitor him. Sometimes I would forget everything and look at him with pride. He had come such a long way now. His personality was so amazing. He was so sure of himself. He carried himself with confidence now. He knew what hewas capable of. His fears were gone. He would go very far in life now. But, I wouldn't get the chance to be at his side. Maybe that was better for him.

I always thought Alekhji loved me just as much as I loved him. Even when he wasn't "normal", I never doubted that. I always believed it. I knew I couldn't be wrong. Maybe I waswrong. Did he love me that much? Did he still have any feelings for me at all?Was he going through the same hell as I was, day and night?

I didn't notice how lost I was in my own thoughts. Next thing I knew, I bumped into someone. It was Alekh ji. My Alekh ji. My heart reacted immediately. My eyes couldn't leave hisface. It was an awkward moment, but the selfish part of me told me to take itall in. It told me to look at him. My mind, of course, told me to run.

He looked back at me in astonishment. He had a towel around his neck. He wasn't wearing a shirt. His hair was wet. He must have just showered. I was spellbound. He was absolutely beautiful.

As I tried to control my disobedient senses and gather the courage to walk away, the light went out.Great, I thought. I'm alone in a room with my…my husband.

I felt his eyes on me,and I looked up. Some where in between my discovery that he was standing there,and now, he had walked right up to me. When I looked at him, he looked at me.He looked at me from head to toe, and then his eyes were back on mine. There was about a foot separating us. "Sadhna, you? Here? Uh, I don't know where the candles are, let me go fiind them".

"Uh..uh…I'll look for them too". I couldn't believe it. I thought being around him at work was gradually desensitizing me to the effect he had on me. I was terribly miscalculating! I was shaking now. My heart wasn't in my control. My legs felta thousand pounds heavy. My palms were sweaty. There was a lump in my throatgrowing larger. My eyes were filling up with tears of love, pain, frustration,devotion, and desire. My body was betraying me. I looked back and he was looking at me again.

He was having that same inner struggle again. I wish I could pinpoint it. He was fighting with that unknown urge again. Worst- I couldn't stop looking at him. I tried to look at my feet. I noticed he was inching closer and closer to me. I began moving back. I looked at him, I looked at my feet. I did this until he was standing less than a foot from me. I then realized that the matches and candles were behind me on the table. I turned and reached for them, and he reached for them.

His hand was on top of mine. He was holding my hand, I was holding the matches. I felt his body touch mine. Every pore in my back could feel his heat. It was like electricity. I was on fire. But there was a seething pain developing in my stomach. The pain caused by hopelessness. I was so in love with him. I was his. Why couldn't he be mine? Why couldn't it have worked? I loved him. I waited for him. Why couldn't it have worked?

I turned and saw him looking at me again. He handed me the candle and light it. With the light candle the only thing in between us, he continued to look into my eyes. I didn't want him to look at them. They held nothing but pain. I didn't need him to see my suffering. I didn't want him to know how much I longed for him, needed him, and missed him. Even right now, as I stood inches from him, I missed him. I was alone.

But the love I had for him couldn't be hidden. It was probably crystal clear in my eyes and my every single facial expression. He could probably see through me.

He searched my eyes for something. In his eyes, I saw a million questions. I didn't know what they were. There was such a depth to his eyes. He looked confused, yet a bit satisfied, almost smug, as if he'd won a silent victory. I thought I saw it. I saw love there too. I didn't know what to feel. Should I feel pain or joy? I stood there completely helpless, aching to get out. My body wanted something else, but my mind began to preach. My hands were twitching, asking for the privilege to touch him. I could smell him. I could feel his breath. My heart leapt with joy at such closeness between us. My mind told me not to take joy in such moments, as separation is what lay ahead of me. I dared to look up at him and saw that his eyes were on my lips. I froze.

He leaned his head towards me. He looked like he was hypnotized. I was hypnotized too. I realized what he wanted. He wanted to kiss me. I couldn't believe it. What was I supposed to do? I used to dream of moments like this. Right now I needed to get out.

He came closer to me, closer. The heat was radiating from his breath. I looked at his lips. They were parted and in a slight pout. His long, beautiful eyelashes cast shadows over his eyes. His eyes were hooded, but I could see fire in them. He looked so sure of himself.

My heart was beating like drums. It threatened to leap out of my chest. I prayed he didn't hear my heart. I prayed he didn't see the love in my eyes. I prayed he didn't see how much I wanted him, in every single way.

His face was now inches from mine. Could I stop him?

Just then, there was a knock on the door. We were both startled. Alekh ji looked shocked and slightly annoyed.

It was Mummiji. She was asking for Alekh ji. What would I do if she saw me here with him? There were only inches separating us. Alekh ji didn't budge. He looked right at me and then suddenly put his finger on my lips and grabbed my other wrist and pulled me behind one of the walls near the bed. He pulled me close to him, almost hugging me, and put one hand on my arm, to keep me from moving. He put his other hand on my back.

There was a struggle at the door, and we both heard Mummiji enter. My heart began to flutter like a bird. I was sweating. Alekh ji kept his eyes on me. I looked at him for a few seconds and looked back down. Mummiji came closer and closer, calling Alekh ji. Alekh ji grabbed my arm even tighter and refused to move. Soon Mummiji left.

When she was gone, we both looked at one another. His expression was that of bewilderment again. I tried to free myself from him. He was in a trance of some sort. I pulled my arm free and pushed his hand away. I ran out without looking at him again. The pain of separation returned. His smell lingered in my senses. I could still feel the pressure and warmth of his hands on my body.

I was burning. My insides would combust. I knew my heart couldn't take it anymore. It continued to beat for him. How could I go on this way?