Abhi was sitting on a bench in the midst of neatly trimmed hydrangea bushes, the grass dewy, everything around him the same, perfect shade of green. It was spring and everything was in full bloom, flowers spilling all around him. The night was warm, and lights from the house spilled over into the garden, illuminating it like a reflective pool, a haven. Nikki settled beside him, their hips brushing slightly as she did so. For the first time in weeks, the silence between them had the air of openness as opposed to the tension which clouded everything when they were in contact. Maybe it was the effect of the calm yet imminent night, as if some sort of peace had been established, a truce...they were there together on an equal ground, turned to the same page....neither rushing to blame the other or fight. Overwhelmed by sitting there like that with him, gazing ahead, Nikki's eyes became wet, her vision swimming with tears that threatened to fall over but still contained themselves.
It looked like they were in paradise, but there wasn't supposed to be any heartbreak there, right? But this was heartache, and they were sitting in the middle of a beautiful garden that belied their situation, almost mocking them. There was no way out, and she didn't even know if she wanted a way out, because maybe they could spend eternity here...but that was just a mirage her mind wanted to see while the real world would remain waiting.
"I don't think we're meant to be," Abhi said quietly. It was a statement; a fact which he'd already surrendered and come to terms with, his voice sunken in accepted defeat. He was only bowing down to fate.
With his words, it was as if for a moment, everything that had already been in slow-motion came to a perfect standstill and Nikki couldn't even hear her own heart beating. In that moment, it was only the two of them in the entire world, sitting side-by-side, feeling the same feelings in a way no other could have. The ocean of emotions that raged in them would be enough to erupt in flames and she didn't know why the garden around them wasn't already on fire. For her, everything seemed to be burning and crashing down in a transcendental silence.
She nodded slowly. "I know..." Glimmering tears spilled down her cheeks unknowingly, and she placed her head on his shoulder, "I know," she whispered.
His voice placid, almost serene, Abhi went on, "Love doesn't always mean getting...and my love for you isn't dependent on whether I can have you or not. If I love you, I want you to find happiness, even if it's never with me. I can't keep you caged in hope that one day, maybe, we could have something. No, I can't be that selfish. If I can't make you smile, if I can't give you the happiness you deserve, then I don't deserve you. But I still love you," he said, voice breaking with a pause. When he continued, it was with a sad smile. "And if it can't be from close by, then I'll love you from afar, because I can't make this feeling stop. My love for you isn't a passion that demands possession...I care about you, I want to protect you, and by holding you down, I'm only hurting you. And I'm hurting you by doing this too...but I can't help it. I don't know why I fell in love with you, I don't know if it was good or bad for me...but I know that I can't change it, I can't change this, I can't change anything. I can only surrender to it and I can only set you free." Leaning in, he placed his head on hers, urging her to understand why he was doing this.
They sat there for a while, and when it was time to go back in, she realized that while he had liberated her, her respect and love for him had only increased. Her already torn heart crumbled into a million pieces thinking of how he was stuck in a relationship, a duty that would never make him happy. She knew however that seeing her smile would ease the weight of his burdens, and so she set out in search of her happiness and indirectly Abhi's.
Udne Ki Aasha
