bebe19 thumbnail
16th Anniversary Thumbnail Voyager Thumbnail
Posted: 16 years ago
#1
can u guys proff read my esaay plzz.......
where should i put my clubss and VS? helppppppppppp
Essay: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.

My cultural background and experiences will help me adjust to college life and they will also help me to handle the challenges that I will encounter .I have shaped myself as a unique individual. My idiosyncratic culture has allowed my to develop a tolerance for all cultures. Extremely to colleges, my hometown where I lived for ten years, Belleville ,NJ is also a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. Using this as an advantage, I can contribute to the various cultures at any University by sharing my own culture among others while aiding them as they learn to develop respect and tolerance for these many amazing cultures . My various cultural experiences and travels formulate me as the perfect candidate to contribute to many university's cultural diversity.

Another asset would definitely be my struggles as a very young girl arriving to new country which is U.S.A. I was about nine years when my family decided to move here. We went through many obstacles to get here. In the search for a better life and a better education we had to make many sacrifices. It was not easy for any of us. especially my parents, starting a new life in unknown country extremely hard but many people have accomplished the American dream, so why not us?. We went form from buying a house ,to new school, new job, and new life style. We no longer had the same life like we use to back in India it was different here. We had to start everything from scratch. I was an complete alien to the students in my school. It was very hard for me to understand their culture because I was not familiar to the language or the new trends. Because of this disadvantage of me not being able to speak English influenced students to automatically made me an easy target to bully. That was my motivation in life to learn English and to prove to my generation that I was as strong as they were and that I can do ever I wanted too. I never let that get in my way, my parents have taught me to always stand tall and to always keep my head up. So keeping their advice in mind , I went through my elementary school years without a trouble . I learned how to speak English in no time. After I did I made new friends and I was able to communicate with them better.

I Have had the privilege of spending about two months in Borsad , India. During my excursion, I was able to visit many new and ancient temples and villages. It was extremely interesting observing the lifestyles of the citizens of India, and relating their ways of living to the American traditions I am so familiar with. I traveled to many different cities in India-- each with its different fascinating societies. However, I have learned that diversity in culture can be found anywhere and it is not necessary to travel half way around the globe. I also learned of many different cultures on my voyages to London ,Canada, Virginia, Georgia, South Carolina ,Pennsylvania, Mary land ,Chicago, and New York. Through these travels, I have acquired the abilities to accept many different cultures with respect and curiosity.

For my entire life, I have been surrounded with cultural diversity and I was very excited to learn Rutgers was no different. I have had the honor of introducing culture in my school. In my school, there are very few Indians, and the very few that are present are quite timid due to belonging to a minority. Being the extrovert that I am, I love teaching others about my wonderful culture, and encouraging them to do the same. I plan to continue doing this at Rutgers also!

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shellytt thumbnail
19th Anniversary Thumbnail Navigator Thumbnail
Posted: 16 years ago
#2

Originally posted by: sexymartiini

can u guys proff read my esaay plzz.......
where should i put my clubss and VS? helppppppppppp
Essay: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.

My cultural background and experiences will help me adjust to college life and they will also help me to handle the challenges that I will encounter in the future .I have shaped myself as an unique individual. My idiosyncratic culture has allowed me to develop a tolerance for all cultures. Similar to colleges, my hometown where I have lived for ten years, Belleville ,NJ is also a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. Using this as an advantage, I can contribute to the various cultures at any University by sharing my own culture with others while aiding them as they learn to develop respect and tolerance for these many amazing cultures . My various cultural experiences and travels formulate me as the perfect candidate to contribute to many of the university's cultural diversity.

Another asset that I can bring to your college would definitely be my struggles as a very young girl arriving to a new country which is U.S.A. I was about nine years old, when my family decided to migrate here. We went through many obstacles to get here. In the search for a better life and a better education we had to make many sacrifices. It was not easy for any of us. especially my parents, starting a new life in an unknown country was extremely hard, but many people have accomplished the American dream, so why not us?

We went form buying a house ,to new school, new job, and a new way of life. We no longer had the same life which we were used to back in India, it was different here. We had to start everything from scratch. I was a complete alien to the students in my school. It was very hard for me to understand their culture because I was not familiar with the language or the new trends. The disadvantage of me not being able to speak English automatically made me an easy target to bully by the students.
That was my motivation to learn English and to prove to my generation that I was as strong as they were and that I can do whatever I wanted to. I never let that get in my way, my parents have taught me to always stand tall and to always keep my head up. So keeping their advice in mind , I went through my elementary school years without any trouble . I learned how to speak English in no time. After I did I made new friends and I was able to communicate with them better.

I have had the privilege of spending about two months in Borsad , India. During my excursion, I was able to visit many new and ancient temples and villages. It was extremely interesting observing the lifestyles of the citizens of India, and relating their ways of living to the American traditions I am now so familiar with. I traveled to many different cities in India-- each with its different fascinating societies. However, I have learned that diversity in culture can be found anywhere and it is not necessary to travel half way around the globe. I also learned of many different cultures on my voyages to London ,Canada, Virginia, Georgia, South Carolina ,Pennsylvania, Mary land ,Chicago, and New York. Through these travels, I have acquired the abilities to accept many different cultures with respect and curiosity.

For my entire life, I have been surrounded with cultural diversity and I was very excited to learn Rutgers was no different. I have had the honor of introducing culture in my school. where, there are very few Indians, and the very few that are present are quite timid due to belonging to a minority. Being the extrovert that I am, I love teaching others about my wonderful culture, and encouraging them to do the same. I plan to continue doing this at Rutgers also!

Hi there,
The content of teh essay is very good and it flows for the most part well.
I tried to correct some of the gramatical errors (in bold type) found in your essay, and I took the liberty of changing a few phrasings to have the essay flow better.
Just something you should think about though, the second paragraph has the word culture mentioned quite a bit. If you could try rewriting the paragraph using the same points but limiting the use of the word culture too much. Try reading it aloud as it is and you might understand where I'm coming from.
Just some general advice I learned in essay writing, always have an introduction, a body and conclusion. Your first paragraph should not give too much information away but it must set the tone for the rest of the essay. You last paragraph should not give any new information but must aim to answer the question set, using possibly points raised earlier in the essay.
I hope this helped some and if I messed up your essay, I'm sorry!😳😊 If you need any more help, feel free to PM me and I'll see if I can assist.
Edited by shellytt - 16 years ago
bebe19 thumbnail
16th Anniversary Thumbnail Voyager Thumbnail
Posted: 16 years ago
#3
heyy thankss so mcuhh i will pme as soon im done thankss =].
bebe19 thumbnail
16th Anniversary Thumbnail Voyager Thumbnail
Posted: 16 years ago
#4

Originally posted by: shellytt

Hi there,
The content of teh essay is very good and it flows for the most part well.
I tried to correct some of the gramatical errors (in bold type) found in your essay, and I took the liberty of changing a few phrasings to have the essay flow better.
Just something you should think about though, the second paragraph has the word culture mentioned quite a bit. If you could try rewriting the paragraph using the same points but limiting the use of the word culture too much. Try reading it aloud as it is and you might understand where I'm coming from.
Just some general advice I learned in essay writing, always have an introduction, a body and conclusion. Your first paragraph should not give too much information away but it must set the tone for the rest of the essay. You last paragraph should not give any new information but must aim to answer the question set, using possibly points raised earlier in the essay.
I hope this helped some and if I messed up your essay, I'm sorry!😳😊 If you need any more help, feel free to PM me and I'll see if I can assist.

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