I am honored that this entry of mine was a runner up in the 2000 word contest. Thank you everyone for the encouragement. Please keep it coming!
Genre: Drama/Final Goodbye
Trigger Warning: Death, Grief
(Cover made by sevemstreaks)
She never thought this day would come when she would have to live without him. Yet, here she was, standing at the edge of the balcony, glancing at the full moon–the same moon they used to watch together, sitting under the stars–except this time, she was on her own.
She turned back as she heard faint footsteps approaching her. “Sami?”
She could distinguish his steps from a mile away. She could feel his presence. How could she not? She had loved him sincerely for ten years. Since the day they had gotten married. Since that day they vowed to stand by each other’s side through thick and thin. Yet here she was…all on her own.
“Haniya!” He said softly as he took her in his arms.
After that there was silence, and all they could hear was each other’s heartbeat.
Eventually after a long interval, Haniya spoke. “Six months! Six months without you! Do you even know how difficult it has become to live without you? Every breath feels like a struggle. Why did you leave me? Why didn’t you take me with you?”
“I know you miss me,” he said affectionately as he took a strand of her hair falling on her face, and tucked it behind her ear. “ But you need to let go now…”
“No!!!” She shook her head profusely like a stubborn child. “You were everything to me. How can I let go? Please don’t leave me.”
“It’s time for you to heal, Haniya. I’ll always be in your heart, in your memories–you’ll carry me with you wherever you go, but I need you to move on with your life. Can you do that for me?”
He took a step closer to her, yet he still felt so far away. She grew exasperated as her chest tightened with all the emotions she wanted to convey, yet couldn’t find the right words.
“How can I move on? Each day without you feels like an eternity. I am nobody without you, Sam. I don’t know what to do with myself. My life has come to a dead end. I feel like a zombie.”
He touched her tear-filled cheek with the softest gesture, “You are still the only woman I have ever loved, my Haniya, the woman I cherished, my most treasured gift. You may not know what you’re capable of and how strong you are, but I know… I have seen it, and I believe in you.”
Her eyes were full of pain and she looked deeply into his. Her heart felt so heavy that it could jump out at any minute. But she saw no pain in his eyes, all she could see was peace and undying love for her. He must be going to a better place.
“You have to leave, don’t you?” She asked with her voice barely a whisper.
He nodded at her sadly. “I’m sorry this has to happen, Haniya. I’m sorry we had to separate. But there’s one more thing I want to tell you before we part ways and embark onto our own journey…”
She wasn’t sure if her heart could take anymore, but she nodded slightly for him to go on. This was the least she could do for him.
“I want you to acknowledge and accept that whatever happened was not your fault. I didn’t die because of you, Haniya. It wasn’t any of our fault. It was our destiny. Please stop blaming yourself for it. The day you stop blaming yourself, you will feel free. It will be easier for you to let go of the past and move on.” And with that he disappeared.
Her heart shattered. He was gone. She would never see him again. She fell to the floor and cried. She cried for the whole night. She cried until there were no more tears left and her eyes were dry.
“I don’t know how I will do this without you, Sam.” She said to herself.
—
She woke up as the bright light coming from the window fell on her eyes. She realised she had been crying in her sleep as her cheeks felt wet with fresh tears.
His voice still echoed in her ears. “Look around you, Haniya. You will see love all around you. You still have your friends and family to live for. They want to see you happy. Move on for them. Most importantly, do it for yourself, you are enough for yourself, my courageous wife.”
A smile formed on her lips as she whispered to the empty air in the room. “I love you, Sami.” Even though he wasn’t around, she knew he could hear her. Because he lived in her heart, and would forever live there.
The pain of his absence was still unbearable for her, but she realised in that moment that he was right. She was strong, she just never knew it. She would prove his words right, that she could go on without him. She would find a way to keep going. She would make him proud of her.
From the past six months, since that dreadful night, she had been holding a grudge against herself for her husband’s departure.
SIX MONTHS AGO
The room was quiet, and all that could be heard was the rhythmic beeping of the various monitors which were attached to Sami’s fragile and paling body, and the steps of the nurses coming in and going out every so often. Haniya sat by the bed, holding Sami’s hand and watching him, trying to capture every part of him in her memory, trying to hold onto whatever little part was left of him–trying to find a small flicker of hope.
All she could read on his face was pain. All she could hear from his mouth was his shallow breathing. She hadn’t heard him speak since hours, and perhaps would never be able to hear his voice again.
“Sam, please. I can’t live without you.” She whispered in a fragile voice.
She felt suffocated with the weight of the happenings from the last few months. She no longer had any strength to cry. Her eyes were completely dried out.
The word still gave her goosebumps after all these months–cancer. It had entered their lives like a volcano and destroyed everything. She had seen him go through it all–the tests, the treatments, the medicines, the monthly consultations–each round taking more and more of him. He grew weaker, his eyes grew duller, his face more pale. She couldn’t even remember the last time she had seen him smile whole-heartedly. One thing she admired about him though, was how he went through it all on his own without a single complaint. He never blamed her for any of it, but she constantly blamed herself.
The doctors had said that the cancer was aggressively progressing, they were trying their best to control it through various treatments, but nothing was enough.
She stared at his pale face as she questioned herself. Could she have done more? Maybe she could have consulted other doctors, maybe she could have pushed him for more treatment…maybe she could have taken him to another country for advanced treatment. A more costly approach would have saved him perhaps? Did their arguments cause him more stress? If she hadn’t been so weak, if she had been stronger and more supportive, she might not have been losing him. Did she even pay attention to his diet? The guilt was eating her alive. She held onto his hand tightly, clutching it in both of her hands, but he did not respond.
“I’m sorry I didn’t do enough for you. I couldn’t save you,” her voice trembled. “I really wish I had tried harder. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could go back in time and fix things…I wish I could save you.”
His lips parted, his eyelids fluttered. Sami was trying to say something, but nothing came out.
She leaned closer to his ear. “I couldn’t do enough for you. I couldn’t be enough for you. I couldn’t understand what you needed…”
Sami’s hand twitched. She felt his hold tighten as his fingers curled around her hand.
He tried to speak again, this time his voice slightly but barely audible. “Haniya…you did everything.”
She stared at him in disbelief as he continued to reassure her. “You loved me. That’s all that matters.”
“I’m sorry,” she repeated again as she collapsed forward, her forehead now resting on his heart.
His hand let go of hers, as the heart monitor beeped one final time. After that, there was a deafening silence which almost choked the air out of her lungs.
She closed her eyes, with her forehead still resting against his chest. He was gone. Forever. And all that was remaining was his love and memories…and her regrets.
NOW
Today, for the first time, she felt a sense of peace as his words lingered with her. He was right. This was their destiny. Nothing was her fault. She had given their relationship her everything. They had created the best memories while they were together. And as they say, good things don’t last forever, and the best things are taken away too soon. She didn’t have Sami with her anymore, but she would value his memories and everything he gave to her until her last breath. And she knew one day in the future, they would re-unite in a better place. And there they would reside together for eternity where nothing could distance them from each other.
This wasn’t the end, but the beginning of something new. Their new journey towards meeting in a better place.
Sami would always be a part of her, even if he wasn’t physically with her. And her heart would go on. That was the power of true love.
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