This isn’t an OS. This is therapy. I am heartbroken like Murtasim cheated on me. Unhealthy? I know..
This is me trying to get into Meerab’s head. To my utmost chagrin Murtu makes an appearance but I don’t like him now. This is heavy angst
Porcelain Doll
She couldn’t sleep. The air itself seemed like it was drowning her. So she sat in the fancy prison that her husband had concocted for her and stared out at the breaking dawn.
If she had her way, she would away from this mess and on her way to Karachi by now but Khan Murtasim Khan had refused to let her leave. He had refused to entertain the thought and after screaming herself hoarse she knew it was a lost battle. There was no way to refuse him. This was his domain and he had the ultimate say. She was also physically exhausted and sick from food poisoning. So she had marched to this guest room and locked herself in.
He had knocked quite a few times but there had only been silence on her part. She knew he had the keys to every room so if he really wanted he could have come in but for whatever reason he didn’t. And she was somewhat grateful- because she couldn’t bear him now. His presence felt toxic; his every word felt tainted and every moment that had raised him in her esteem felt fake.
Uske aankh mein kuch chala gaya tha main sirf
She blocked it. She blocked the image because it felt like it could suffocate her. But it kept coming: Haya in her red dress styled so provocatively and Murtasim touching her.
Sick..She was going to sick again. Meerab took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She had spent the night puking and crying. And her head was spinning. She needed to calm down.
If she was honest with herself her reaction surprised her- the hurt, the heartbreak and the pain she felt surprised her. She knew she was jealous of Haya’s closeness with her husband but she had always believed in her heart that he wouldn’t betray her. But the extent with which this betrayal was hurting her astonished her.
Because you fell for his pretty words, you idiot.
Tumhe na bachata toh khud bhi zinda na reh pata
She felt the tears drop.
Why did her life turn out to be so different from what she had envisioned?
Main woh hoon jo mere baba hain aur meri Mamma hain
Who is my baba? The one who lied to me from childhood or the one who rejected me and gave him away for a crime I couldn’t possibly comprehend. Was Anila Waqas my mother? Then why didn’t she protect me and give me shelter when I needed her the most? Why didn’t she open the door? Who loves someone so much and then abandons them completely.
Why did Waqas Ahmed give her dreams, made her grow wings, applaud her each achievement, made her aspire to be something greater and then in a moment turn around and cut her wings? Force her to settle down in a life she never wanted, in a role she despised and left her in a golden cage that she felt suffocated in. Why didn’t he open that door? Who loves someone so much and cuts ties in a minute?
Was Anwar Khan her father? Her root? The man who had punished her for a crime so badly that he refused to have a relationship with a baby and gave her away. Suddenly 25 years later she was supposed to accept him and love him like he hadn’t abandon her.
Who was she??
Why did her horizon felt so dark? She remembered the mini panic attack she had on the eve of her wedding. What was she doing? Why was she committing to a life she despised with a man she hated? There was no choice. She had to accept this- or else this family would continue to pester her. Murtasim could help her but he wouldn’t. In the most desperate of moves she had drafted the contract -
One last chance of respite- if they were unbearably abusive or toxic she have the chance of annulling the marriage.
It wasn’t the best move for a bride to be but she had forgotten to trust. She had forgotten to hope. She only had broken dreams, impaired trust and abandonment in her eyes. Her horizon had never looked darker when he had started to become one last ray in that dark horizon.
Murtasim
She had said his name in anger many times, called it in frustration in others. It was hope when she was kidnapped and a fervent prayer when he was in the hospital. Today each syllable broke her heart and she was shocked.
Shocked to know he could hurt to this extent. Unbeknownst to her, she had began to cherish his words, his presence. She had fought against it with everything she had but he had slowly began to melt her, break down her barriers and before she knew it trust him so very completely.
He became her savior, her support and her strength in a world she didn’t want to be in. She felt cherished and she felt protected and it made her want to lean onto him but she always held back.
Because if she couldn’t trust him enough. What if he was only saying these pretty words to get her to commit and then will show his true colors? But after the accident, she had began to trust him and to her utmost chagrin long for his companionship.
Her heart was still torn as she was yearning for the life she had dreamed of for 25 years but she had also started to yearn for him.
Meri sari ummeed toh Bas ek insaan se hai
My officially wedded wife
It had melted her. His eyes which always spoke volumes, his words which made her heart skip a beat and his touch. Her eyes fell down to her pale hands- he always touched her softly and she had always blushed. It made her feel so loved, so cherished.
Is that how he touched Haya? The thought twisted her stomach and before she knew she was puking in the toilet. Her head was spinning and she rested her head against the cool marble.
Then she heard the panicked voice
“ Main bohut der se darwaza knock kar rahi thi.
Mai?
Bibiji darwaza kholei”
She edged up and opened the door. The woman rushed forward and embraced her.
“ Jab Maine suna ke aap aayi ho toh mujhse raha na gaya” she pulled an adorable little girl from behind her “ Yeh meri poti hai Anam. Bas aapko dekhna chahti thi”
Meerab smiled at the little girl who quickly embraced her. She breathed in a little trying to stop the room from spinning.
“ Mai, meri tabiyat thik nahin hai. Mere liye juice le aayengi please”
Mai left immediately, leaving Meerab alone with little Anam. She was so beautiful, so innocent, so giving in her own little way that suddenly Meerab felt a sudden worry: that one day Anam would be broken by someone she loves, that she would give all her love and never get it back, that everyone will leave her and that she would never be good enough for anyone...
Tears filled her eyes but she blinked them away as the baby yawned. She placed Anam next to her and kissed her tiny hand before staring at the little bundle of joy.
Why do you leave me all by myself?
Why do they use me and bring me down?
Why do they hurt me?
She just wanted to be loved by her father, her mother, and him... And they all failed her.
Why do they leave me?
Why doesn't anybody stick around?
Mamma and Baba failed her too, individually and collectively. They never loved her as she loved them fiercely, protectively, willing to kill on their behalf.
Why doesn't anyone stay?
Don't they realize I am porcelain doll?
And Murtasim- he used to be one constant in her life but now…
Small
Was anything he said true? Why was he hell bent of humiliating her?
Unsure
She got up once Mai was back and pulled on the clothes her maid had laid down. She stared at the mirror eyeing her black lush curls and her doe eyes.
Beautiful
Her brown doe eyes which looked haunted
Breakable
She was tired of being strong; of everyone assuming that she was strong enough to overcome everything. She groaned as she felt sick again and she threw up again.
"Kya hua,bibiji?” Mai asked from behind the door
How to answer that.
"She was a mess.
Many people look through the window
But seldom do they ever look in my eyes
She had no one.
She was scared, yes she was. She couldn't trust him. She couldn't trust anyone.
Don't they realize I am porcelain doll?
The next time she knew was darkness.
She felt gentle hands touching her and a worried voice calling her name again and again. She forced herself to open her eyes. The first thing she was the dark pink rug and the first thing she felt was cold tiles on her cheek. Had she lost her consciousness? She moved her head and groaned. Murtasim Khan was staring down at her, relief evident in his voice
"Shukr Alhamdullilah”
“ Mai aap doctor ko bulaiye.” There was a sudden movement and they were alone.
She sat up reaching for the broken embers of the anger in her but it was too far off. Instead she said in a broken whisper "Go away Murtasim. I don't want you here"
He ignored her and pulled her up. She clutched onto him to stand steady. He splashed some water on her face. She steadied herself on the sink and looked away in disgust.
Meerab tried to wash herself. The attempt exhausted her when she realized she had vomit on her hair. She sat down crying at her pathetic existence.
Suddenly gentle arms pulled her in the shower. Warm water splayed down her back as she closed her eyes and silently let the tears flow with the water. Her kameez was soaked and she felt her head spinning again. She wanted him to go; she hated that he saw her weakness. She felt him applying shampoo to her scalp.
"Don’t touch me..” she protested weakly
He shook his head, his eyes over bright as though he was fighting tears. Slowly he washed her hair. His touch was gentle and unassuming. It was asexual; the touch untainted by lust. He wasn’t touching her like a husband.
Having regained much of her energy she pushed him out and dressed her herself. She could feel his eyes on her when she exited the washroom and turned to him furiously.
"What?"
Haya that’s all she could see. Her in the red dress and her husband who had made so many promises touching her. The man who had shattered her trust.
“ Meerab, main kuch aisa nahin kar raha tha jaisa tum such rahi ho.”
It was back; her anger and she snapped. "You can leave now"
He stood where he was watching her.
“I am sick Murtasim. I have food poisoning. Is khush fahmi na rehna ke yeh Sab kuch tumhare liye hain. Tum mere liye kuch nahin ho.”
He shook his head and his voice almost broke “ Meerab, mere aur Haya ke beech mein..”
“ Don’t say her name.” She shouted “ don’t say anything to me ever again”
He looked shocked at her outburst and swallowed hard. He walked away and she sighed in relief and disappointment. He returned with a small tray and a glass of water.
He placed the glass on her hands. "Drink"
She shook her head. He closed his eyes "Meerab, you are in grave danger of being dehydrated. Drink now"
She raised her eyebrow but kept the glass firmly away from her lips.
He sighed
"If you drink,I promise I will leave you alone”
His dark brown eyes were over bright, his complexion heightened as he reined in his emotions and he stood with his hands slightly folded. It was the pose he took when he was hurt.
It’s a lie, all of it is a lie.
And the thought shattered her. It broke her and she knew.. she finally knew.
Love… she had fallen for him, given away her heart. Broken beyond comprehension, she took a sip and he looked relieved.
“ Thank you” he said in a hushed voice and left
Her breath left her in painful swallows as she finally gave in to the tears.
She loved him..she loved him.
What a painful way to realize her feelings
The thought broke her. Of course fate had connected her destruction to her heart. Of course she had to realize it when he had betrayed her. Broken her..
When she knew it was all a lie
What a perverse love story
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