She had run away. Honest to goodness walked away from her masimaa's house without turning back around. She had been there for three weeks, one day, fourteen hours and twenty nine minutes before she stepped out of the door. She thought her masi would never leave to go for the satsang she'd been invited to and once she had, Raavi quietly removed her packed backpack with all her essentials, some clothes and the food she'd brought in the morning.
Krish, on her instructions, had booked her tickets and had sent them to the new sim she had bought. She wanted to go off grid for a little while; two weeks to be precise, to come to terms with her life and sort out her feelings and that was all the time she was willing to give herself.
Everyone, be it her family, friends and even teachers, had always assumed that she was frivolous, without a care, but she had always mapped her life out as accurately as she could. This obsession, she knew, stemmed from losing her parents at a young age and planning goals gave her a sense of achievable direction that she was in control of.
Her thoughts kept her busy and she reached the train station in no time. As she waited, she felt a tap on her shoulder. Glancing towards the hand, she saw Krish standing beside her, watching the tracks as she had done till but a few moments ago.
"Are you sure you want to do this bhabhi? All alone? I can always come with you if you want!"
"I know you would Krish, but I need you to keep me updated with what's happening here. I can't think, all I hear is how I'm taking this too far, how Shiva is wrong, we need to apologise and forget what has happened. I'm hurt and I know he is too. He's dealing with all this his way, I need to deal with it my way; away from all the voices."
"But bhabhi, it's not safe. And I'm not comfortable with you travelling alone."
"Don't worry Krish, I'm meeting some people from a tour group whom I'll accompany to the hostel. I've turned on my location for you and I'll keep you posted on where I am at all times, say every three hours? But remember you can't tell. ANYONE. Where I am. I'll be back in two weeks, till then please manage."
"I have left Masi a note telling her I'm staying with Archana in Ahmedabad , who knows what to do. She doesn't know where I'll be going but she'll handle masimaa. I really need to do this as you're the only one who has let us be."
"I really want you to come back bhabhi, but I want you and Shiva to be happy and right now you both look miserable. I'll wait for you to message me. Take care bhabhi." Giving her a tight hug, Krish turned to go home, consoling himself that distance would make the heart grow fonder.
***
Four hours later, Raavi stepped off the train and took a deep breath, before moving to the taxi stand. She rarely visited Rajkot, always opting to go to Ahmedabad when travelling, but this was the quickest way to her destination, so she didn't mind. She had found a short stay hotel near the airport where she would spend the night before her flight the next day.
The webs had started clearing from her head already and a sense of relief filled her; the weight of decisions dropping off her shoulders like one would shrug off a heavy backpack after a long hike. She was feeling better and spent some time looking at herself in the mirror.
She had always been vain, it was something that she never denied, not because that was what mattered to her, but it was a confidence in herself that her outer beauty was just as beautiful as her inner beauty. Pausing, the words she had spoken to herself echoed in her mind, "I've become just like you Shiva…" with a slight shake she touched her face outlining the hollowed eyes, prominent cheekbones and the wrinkles on her forehead and resolved to take care of herself first.
She turned on the shower, waiting till the bathroom had steamed up before stepping into the water and letting the fatigue wash down the drain with the soapy water. It was nice, having a bathroom to use whenever you wished; smiling at the direction of her thoughts, she wondered whether Rishita was still whining about the bathroom back at home… no, Pandya niwas; Kaki had made it clear that if she left, she would no longer be able to call it home and for now she wasn't going to think about making a decision.
Opting to go out for dinner at one of the numerous chaat stands dotted around town, instead of sitting at the restaurant, she looked for someone selling pani puri. She loved the flavour bomb that exploded in her mouth every time she had some; sweet, tangy, spicy, crunchy and smooth. It was something she had enjoyed, at various times with Dhara di when walking in the streets of Somnath where Gaumbi would sometimes join them. Those days felt faraway when everything was simpler.
Distracting her mind, she blanked the thoughts, wanting to hold them all in for a little longer, at least till she reached her destination. She walked around the market after satiating her hunger and bought some trinkets; some jewellery, some t-shirts and shirts and a scarf that she fell in love with. She knew some of her purchases would sit in her bag, probably never reaching the intended recipient but that would be decided later.
Reaching the room exhausted, she packed everything ready to leave early in the morning for the airport. She had a full day of travel ahead and wanted to be as rested as she could.
***
The turbulence made her nauseous, it always had, hence she preferred trains and buses just so she could sit near the window, breathing in fresh air. Steeling herself, she popped another ginger candy into her mouth, hoping it would help settle her stomach till they landed. She was addicted to the sweet and spicy taste of the hard buttons she carried in her bag at all times. They reminded her of him although she would die before she ever revealed that secret to anyone. He had introduced her to them when they were younger, when everything was simple and he didn't hate her.
Sucking on another piece, she let her thoughts drift to their childhood, where sweet memories resided, Gautam giving her candy when she visited the store, Dhara doing her hair up for her in the latest styles, Dev showing her how to solve the equations she would never quite get right and the pranks with Krish; She knew Shiva had always watched over those pranks, making sure neither got hurt if things got out of hand and even occasionally taking the blame on himself. She knew he did that, he always did even though he denied it and she had never appreciated it, she never acknowledged it.
The seatbelt sign flickered on and the landing announcement pulled her from her thoughts, pushing them behind the wall again, she gathered her belongings, straightened her seat and looked out the window at the capitol buildings. She could feel the smog clogging her lungs despite being in the aircraft and she was glad she'd booked a connecting flight not even an hour after she landed.
She ended up waiting at the airport for four hours. The flight had been delayed and she sat with the tour group she was accompanying to her destination. Making small talk, she learnt that they were going trekking for ten days with two days for relaxing either way. She would be travelling back with them, so it felt nice to get to know them. She forgot about her worries for a little while till they started talking amongst themselves and she was left to her observations.
Making friends had always come easy to her, she remembered always being surrounded by peers, getting involved in extracurricular activities and school events. But, the one face that she couldn't see anywhere in those memories was his. Thinking of Dev and Krish, she had vague recollections of seeing them around school but she couldn't remember ever seeing Shiva outside of Pandya niwas or Pandya store; as though he ceased to exist outside those places.
Her phone ringtone jarred her from those thoughts.
"Hello, Krish?"
"Kya bhabhi, you said you'd call every three hours. You've been gone one day and already you've forgotten? Why are you still at the airport? Is everything okay? Do you need me to do anything?"
"I'm fine Krish. The flight got delayed so I forgot to call you and tell you. They should be announcing boarding anytime soon. How is… everyone? Have you heard from masimaa?"
"Everyone is fine, the same as when you left. I saw mami near the store a little while back, she was talking to Anju about finding you a boy, when you come back from Ahmedabad. She's going to convince you to give Shiva a divorce and settle with someone else. She was talking about an NRI."
"Oh God!! Why can't masimaa understand I don't want to talk about all these things!? I don't want to get married again regardless of what happens between Shiva and I. Anyway let me go now, we'll be leaving soon. I'll message you once I've reached and I'll call you later tonight."
"Have a safe flight bhabhi, I'll wait for your message. Don't forget!"
***
It was valentine's day in her first year at college when Rohan had asked her out on a date. She had said no, because that's when she'd really started liking Dev and she didn't want to hinder that relationship, but she'd been over the moon that day; the then not so popular Raavi, asked out by one of the most good looking boys in their year. She remembered giggling about it with Sneha and eventually becoming good friends with Rohan and then Rahul and Sudheesh. But that didn't stop Rohan. He asked her out for every single college function after that and each time she refused, it irked her a bit more that he never understood.
She gazed out of the window looking at the tufts of clouds passing by underneath, remembering the feelings of unease resurfacing when they were doing the yatra. She had thought they were because of Shiva's temper, but it hadn't felt that way till she'd seen Rohan and the feeling had just grown till she left home. What had happened? Questioning herself, she quickly pulled out her diary to look at her entry from three weeks ago to jog her memory of the incident she had blurred out.
***
Shiva is still angry and I don't know if it's because of my conversation with Dev or what happened at the Pooja or even something else from earlier. I keep apologising, but I don't know what I'm regretful of. How can I if he doesn't want to talk to me?
I want to scream at him, shout that he needs to tell me what he is feeling so we can solve this misunderstanding together. He's been this way since Sneha said those words in the market. Have I pushed him away?
***
I've been home for three hours and already it feels like I'm losing something. Can you miss someone you hate so much? Is it even hate, what I feel for him?
He decided to beat up my friends, he hurt me and then questioned my intentions with my friends, taunting me to leave with them...and I?... I gave it back to him, spoke to him like he spoke to me, letting out all my anger and frustration. I even slapped him, I became like him; like Shiva, physically violent and that hurt me. I was never like this. Why then did I raise my hand?
***
She closed her eyes, memories of the day flashing past; Rohan trying to get her to drink juice, laughing at Shiva, helping them out, catching her in the crowd, telling Shiva he cannot take care of his wife… her eyes flew open, surprise etched on her face. If anyone had seen her then, they would have thought she had made a discovery of utmost importance to the world, and it truly was for her world. They had questioned his capability and she had let them, she hadn't stood up for her husband, for his self respect before her friends.
The cracks were appearing in her wall and she needed to think of something else before the bottled up thoughts burst out in front of the whole flight. This was why she needed the quiet, to sort through her feelings, her thoughts that jumbled together and the emotions that burst from within her in waves. She watched the plane descend and the sight that met her was soothing to the mind, almost like someone had laid a quilt over the earth, vast mountains made way to sand like gravel and green patches of land with houses dotting the landscape.
***
I've landed. My hostel is about half an hour away from the airport. I've just booked a taxi and I've sent you the details. I'll call you once I'm settled in.
***
"Hi Krish, what are you doing?"
"Finally. I have been waiting. Not much. Maa found out about mami's decision for your divorce and remarriage so she's gotten it in her head that Shiva needs to do the same. Bhabhi has been given instructions to find Shiva a new wife."
"Is that what Shiva wants? I know he said that our relationship has ended but is he going to get remarried? Of course he would, he's finally getting rid of mami ki behen ki beti." she huffed removing her clothes from the backpack and putting them in the wardrobe provided.
" Arey bhabhi, kaha? Shiva doesn't even know of this khichdi maa has decided to cook up. He's been spending even more time at the store than he used to. He eats there and comes home to sleep. He's usually gone before half the house wakes up. But leave that, tell me, how is the view? I've always wanted to visit so I'm a little jealous."
"It's beautiful Krish. There is no one around here. I can hear the Monastery bells from my room and I have an uninterrupted view of the river."
"Wow bhabhi, it sounds amazing. Take lots of pictures. I hope you find what you went looking for."
"I will, Krish. I can feel it. It's liberating. Chal I'll call you later in the week. Don't forget, keep me posted!"
***
Krish cut the phone and couldn't help but feel positive. She sounded genuinely happy after so many days and it made him happy to hear that. He had felt both his brother and bhabhi slowly losing their essence that made them unique compared to all other couples. Even Gaumbi and Dhara bhabhi could not match up to their chemistry. He had noticed it, that's why he constantly teased them about it. He hadn't believed it always, remembering the words he'd told maa on the wedding day, but his words were proven wrong and he couldn't be gladder.
***
She spent every morning at the Monastery, sitting in the tranquil environment, the young boys who were learning the teachings, giggling when they were let out to play, provided a soothing balm to her aching soul. The peace of the temple let her purge the dam of thoughts she had been holding in for the past three weeks. She had read her diary again, the one she had started after her marriage to Shiva and had quickly stopped. How could she have been so quick to blame him? The first few pages were filled with hatred for a man that she'd teased her whole life.
She remembered herself saying,
"Shiva isn't all bad masi, he's part of the family. I'll make him love me."
What had happened to that Raavi, who was willing to see the good in everyone? Why hadn't she tried harder to move on and see the good in him as her husband when she had been willing to do so when he was to be her brother in law? Because you thought you would get hurt, a voice whispered in her head; You had already been left once and the same blood ran in Shiva that did in Dev.
But what had she done anyways? Had her disappointment in not marrying Dev been so great that it caused her to try and give up on her most precious possession, her life. To hurt herself so that she wouldn't feel the pain that someone gave her?
If that was all she thought of him, why would he have saved her life? Because even though she wasn't conscious, she knew that it was him who had saved her. He wouldn't meet her eyes when she opened them and he'd let her vent her frustration out on him, not meeting her gaze, never quite looking at her. But she had still seen in his eyes what he had been trying to hide, his pity for her, the poor girl left in the mandap by his own brother.
Subconsciously she knew why he had married her as well. He loved his bhabhi and would do anything for her, just as she loved her mausapa and would do anything for him. And he had stood by her from that moment on, protecting her from the harshest of words from outsiders, "Raavi naam hai uska" being one if the many times he would stand up for her.
A smile escaped, as she remembered him saying he was the only one who would make her cry and truer words had never been spoken. Apart from that one other time, he was the only one who evoked such emotions from her. But even that had stopped for a while, especially after they had been injured in the khandar. He had become soft, understanding almost gentle as one would be with a fresh flower bud, not wanting to bruise it.
"Phool Kumari"
The thought came unbidden and she felt as though he had whispered the word in her ear. Opening her eyes she looked around almost expecting him to be there but she heard the bell toll and all she saw was that the courtyard was now empty.
She walked back to the hostel room to freshen up for lunch and grabbed her phone on her way out.
"Hi Krish. How are you?"
"I'm good bhabhi. How are you? How has your week been?"
"I needed this Krish. I feel like I can breathe, think clearly and finally I feel at peace with myself. You tell me, what has been happening there? How is everyone?"
"Everyone is good. Bhabhi has gone to meet one of maa's friends, whose daughter is working in Vadodra for Shiva. Gaumbi and Dev have been at the shop. Shiva has gone to the new site to make sure the shop is being built properly. My exams are next week…Ooh guess what?"
"What?"
"Rishita bhabhi was having to cook every day because maa wanted her to learn, but for the first time, maa is giving up on something, Rishita bhabhi is so bad that we've all had tummy aches at some stage this week."
The giggle escaped even though she tried holding it back and hearing Krish's laughter had her in stitches shortly after. The image was not lost on her, and neither was the fact that Rishita was a danger in the kitchen.
"We all miss you bhabhi, are you closer to making a decision?"
"Not yet, but things are becoming clearer. I'm going to go now. I'll call you in a couple of days, okay. Study hard."
She was proud of herself. She had wanted to ask how he was doing, whether he had agreed to the marriage or not but had resisted. She didn't need the influence over her thoughts.
***
It had been four weeks, three days, ten hours and eighteen minutes since she had left the house. She sounded like a lovelorn lover, counting down the days but she knew she had less than a week to make her decision before she stepped back in Somnath.
Walking by the river the waves of the water reminded her of the stillness of the lake at the haveli. The contrast in both, one slightly choppy and icy cold, whilst the other almost stagnant and warm to the touch reminded her of how different their personalities were. Shiva was as turbulent as she was calm, his words often harsh, but always direct and frank; hers soft, with hidden meanings. How would they ever stay happy together?
He had been shy. The thought came suddenly; unsure what had brought that about, she sat on a nearby rock, dangling her bare feet in the cold water. She remembered during their reception he had looked at her with wonder, it had made her shy away from him, a slight heat stained her cheeks as she remembered dancing with him, feeling a ghost of warmth on her waist where he had held her.
"Aaj kal kuch ajeeb lag raha hai…" she had jokingly replied that she mixed poison in his food and it was the effect of her poison, but the look on his face that had been trying to tell her more. Were his feelings more than just that of dislike? Had he started thinking of her as more than his mami ki behen ki beti?
***
Laagta hai mera wala gunda aagaya. He had fought for her, and it wasn't the first time, even when they had been kidnapped he'd hit the sleazy man who was trying to tease her, it was a shame she hadn't thought of that and instead remembered that he'd left her there, tied up.
But he hadn't divorced her even then. He had always left the decision on her.
"Tujhe mujhse aazadi chahiye na? Main tujhe aaj aazad karta hoon Raavi. Aaj se teri meri shaadi khatam"
She gasped as she woke up. She'd fallen asleep but her thoughts hadn't stilled and her biggest fear had come to the forefront. He wanted to leave her, her heart beat erratically, her breath shallow and the trepidation settling like a rock in her chest. Closing her eyes she remembered the instructions the head monk had given her on the first day. She counted her breaths, equal in and out, holding them for longer each time till her heartbeat steadied.
She called Krish, wanting assurance that nothing had happened while she'd been away. She was leaving the day after so she needed to know.
"He.. Hello?" Krish spoke yawning.
"Krish, Shiva hasn't signed the divorce papers has he? Has he gone to see kaki's friend's daughter?"
"Aare bhabhi, stop. Wait, let me go outside so I can talk to you properly. Yaar, who calls in the middle of the night like this?" she heard the shuffling as he complained and then,
"Haan bhabhi, what's wrong? Shiva hasn't done anything yet, don't worry. Mami has come home to get Shiva's signatures on the papers, but he refused saying you needed to sign them first. Why don't you just talk to him bhabhi?" Krish asked gently.
"I'm almost there, Krish. I'll be home in a couple of days. I leave the day after tomorrow. I just need one last day. Please make sure nothing happens for two more days. Sambhaal lena. Sorry for calling you so late. So ja. Good night."
Putting on an extra layer she walked out into the night, looking up at the stars, she thought of all the misunderstandings they had of each other. Wasn't that the problem, they assumed too much and spoke so little. How would they ever understand each other if they only spoke in riddles with tempers ready to flare at the drop of a hat? She would have to make a decision soon.
She went back in, sitting on the writer's desk tucked in the corner of the otherwise small room, she opened up her diary, reading the pages she had filled with all her thoughts since she had come. She had made a list on the last page with pros and cons of their relationship and they were at par. So all that she had to decide on was her feelings. Sighing in defeat, she shut the diary and realised that she was no closer to a decision than she was two weeks ago. Getting under the still warm blankets, she closed her eyes to get some sleep before the sun came out.
***
She had gone to see the head monk, wanting to thank him for all his help. She sat at her favourite spot in the courtyard and let her mind wander, she was finally at peace with herself. The fresh air had done her wonders and her thoughts were now articulate. She knew what she had to do and determination made the steps she took more confident. She didn't know what everyone would think of her decision, but she knew this would make her happy. Bidding a final goodbye to the place she had called home for two weeks, she moved forward to make her way back home.
***
I'm on my way. We're about to board the flight to Delhi. I'll call you when I'm in Rajkot.
***
Krish couldn't contain his excitement, Raavi bhabhi had sounded happier on the phone when he'd called to make sure she had found the tour group okay, a sliver of the cheeky, mischievous girl that he had grown up with shone through.
***
She finally saw him, five weeks, one day seventeen hours and five minutes from their fight. He looked as she had two weeks ago, the image in the mirror coming to haunt her in the form of his face. She had asked Krish to bring him to the ghat so they could talk without interference from any family members.
"Hi Shiva."
He only nodded in reply, not making eye contact. Pushing past the insecurity clawing its way back into her heart she continued,
"I did a lot of thinking, Shiva. The two weeks I was away gave me the clarity I needed to decide what I wanted from this relationship. I know you don't want to talk about your feelings so I'll tell you mine, then you can decide what you want to do and I will agree; no questions, no arguments. The only thing I want is for you to listen till I finish."
" Hmm."
" I'm sorry Shiva. For not understanding you, not supporting you, not speaking up for you. Not giving you the assurance that you are enough." she took a few deep breaths before continuing,
"I had always wanted a love marriage and I thought I loved Dev. Why wouldn't I? Everything I had read and watched indicated that that was what love was about. But when I was left at the altar a fear settled within me of being all alone, that fear took the form of anger I felt towards you, the family, the world but no matter how much I tried bottling it up, you ended up bearing the brunt of my anger.
We fought, but you were always there for me, protecting me, keeping every single one of your vows, grudgingly but fulfilling them nevertheless and I failed in that, maybe not all, but my ignorance caused me to hurt not only you, but myself too.
You need to be the judge of your actions, just as I am of mine, because that is something I won't speak on, my perspective of your actions may not be what you had been thinking of and I don't want to make that mistake again, but I would like you to tell me Shiva. Communication was our downfall, you didn't speak up and I didn't listen."
She looked at the water, gathering the remainder of her thoughts and started again,
"I want to give this marriage another chance. My feelings for you aren't as filled with hate as I thought, I haven't experienced it before but the thought of leaving you has been unsettling. I want to start afresh, not as strangers but not as enemies. I'll leave you to decide what you want to do. Maybe you can call me once you decide?I'll speak to you soon, Shiva. Take care." she stood up dusting her clothes and turned to walk back home when he spoke,
"I'm sorry too." she stopped in her tracks, her heart fluttering at his voice; the same voice she had imagined for the past two weeks.
"I'm sorry for losing my temper, for saying those words, for acting the way I did, for questioning your character, for proving your thoughts about me right even though that is not me."
He was looking her in the eyes, the dark orbs holding her light ones neither wanting to break the fragile connection that had formed.
"I need time to gather my thoughts, after all everyone doesn't have the luxury of disappearing for two weeks." he finished teasingly, diffusing the undercurrents of intensity.
"How did you manage anyways? Surely mami didn't slack off watching you? She has eyes like a hawk and you disappeared from under her nose? Impressive."
"I had help. I can make it work for you if you want to disappear. After all, I wouldn't want it to be unfair."
As they continued their banter, she knew they would be okay.
Edited by Miss.M - 4 years ago
Arjun
Tum Se Tum Tak
Anupamaa
Health and Fitness
