'Tooti hoon, Bikhri nahi '
The night was at it again. The facade gone, the pain was back, her hurt was reflecting in her eyes as she blinked away the tears that tried to escape the cracked boundaries of her heart. Anokhi closed her book with a sigh.
Today was another day of hiding behind the wall of pretence and words of ignorance. And then seeking future at the same time, a future that she have always wanted but now it no more quenched the thirst of her breezing soul. The void she felt was stronger than the wanderer inside her. Dropping the pen carelessly between the book, she stood up to clean her bed.
She was done for the day.
Picking up her books, she took slow steps to the study table, her heart still knocking the sense of reverie at the door of her mind. Anokhi ignored it. She no more wanted to see the ray of sun blazing amidst the night sky. She has accepted that the stars shone to break and the moon paled to fade. And a wanderer like her was supposed to fly with the breeze.
The liberty to stop and feel the wind against her cheek was too much to seek.
Placing the books neatly, she picked up the jar taking few sips of water. Her eyes caught sight of the mess pushed under the table, paper cuttings, stationary and her project report. Clipping her lose hairs again, she bent down to pick up the report and clean the room. As she collected the cuttings, her finger was pricked with the sharp blade of scissor that rested open.
Anokhi flinched in pain.
Bringing her finger to her mouth she sucked on the little blood that oozed out. Carefully, she picked the scissor again, her fingers touching it in absolute loss.
Tum baal kholke kyun aayi ho?! tumhaari galti hai ye pata hai!!
Anokhi gripped the scissor tightly before getting up. Maybe, it was her own fault. He was right.
He had cut her hairs.
But why didn’t he warn her?! He would cut her wings too. Anokhi questioned in oblivion, her screams echoing in silence. Getting up, she threw the cuttings in the dustbin and walked back to her bed.
As she picked up the pale white- mustard quilt, she couldn’t help but sense his presence against her fingers. The creases reminded her of his reckless behaviour that day and the scent inhaled her fragrance of his care. The faded colour scraped the intensity of her worry and the pattern told her the way they moulded together. To her, he had felt like a piece of her own puzzle.
Jo kaam mein karne aaya hoon naa, usse kiye bina mein yahan se nahi jaane waala
His eyes had held her captive for seconds.
For days, she had felt happy.
Her heart had dance above the clouds and her steps have faltered over the sand. She had felt giddy, and she had felt content. She had been confused and she had been excited. She had fluttered like a butterfly and she had bloomed like a sun flower.
But she forgot that after a day of tender peace, the night of chaos approached.
Anokhi shook her head. She wasn’t going to give in. She was not the one to surrender. Nobody will dictate her actions and no hurt would deviate her from what she was here to get. She was still going to shine.
But then every day, as she saw him trying to seek her acknowledgement, Anokhi wondered if she was hurting for her own loss or it was his blank eyes which would turn in her direction the moment she will look away.
But then again, she wasn’t going to give in. She was no candle to melt but she was going to be the fire that knew no douse. She was going to push her boundaries and she was going to nurture her dreams.
But she was human too.
And although her days continued to witness the fire in her, she allowed the night to heal her scars.
Closing the lights, Anokhi laid down in silence. Sleep was again away from her reach.
As she closed her eyes, she allowed the tears to slip in silence.
She was going to heal herself. She felt stubborn.
“Nikki tu naa bahut ziddi hai, kabhi bhi nahi sunti”
Her mother’s words rang in her ears. But today they felt distant. Anokhi felt fragile. She wondered what her mother was doing right now. And did she even miss her Nikki?! She wanted her mother to tell her that it was going to be okay! Maybe she could put her to sleep as well.
“Jitni tez hai naa tu, usse pata nahi kya ki kar jaaye!! Par pata nahi tune tou bas mujhse ladna hota hai, badtameezi hi karni hoti hai”
A faint smile captured her lips as she opened her eyes. Her father had appreciated her when she had repaired his radio at home. But then Anokhi didn’t have many good memories of her father. But the ones she had were precious too.
And for today, just today she allowed herself to slip against the walls of pain and pleasure.
She was tired, she realised.
She wanted to find ‘home’
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A/N - She breaks in silence ! She heals in open !🦋
CID
