Jab we (were) Upset!
Starring:
Mona Capho:
Onebir Cup o':
Typica:
Donjay Neela
Metoo Cup o'
Awwnil Capho
Wishy Cup o'
Fourhaah Can
Disclaimer: No offence meant to anyone'just in jest. All characters are a figment of my imagination😉
Scene 1
Donjay sitting in his den looking at a picture. It is his one and only( ahem) love'Webhawe. He looks dreamy. Suddenly he jumps back to reality and presses the red button. His man Friday walks in.
Donjay chews on his special cardamom/clove chewing gum imported from Paris and flicks a lock of hair from over his eyes
Donjay: Friday'main picture banaoonga, phir se'par is baar the theme is blue
Friday( under his breath); What will happen to all the black stuff we have left over from the last one!
Donjay: You said something?
Friday: No boss'.nnoo nothing'( grins and accepts the chewing gum and pops it into his mouth)
Donjay: So go find me a hero and heroine and lots of blue curtains!
Friday exits and spits the gum as soon as he is out of sight, his face is thrown into funny contortions..
Scene 2
Onebir's house
Onebir to Mom Metoo: Mom I am off to a party
Metoo: Okay'here's your pocket money , Rs 1500 for the month
Onebir throws a tantrum: Mama'whaaa'u said u'll increase my allowance
Metoo: Okay Okay Jaanu'don't cry'here( with a sly look)'here's your father's credit card that I pinched last night when I went out with the gals'and that reminds me if you see you dad sleeping at one of those bars, please drag him back with you'
OneBir: Maaa ma
Metoo: Oh Btw'who are you going out with?
One Bir: Oh the usual..Mandi and the rest
MeToo: Look me in the eyes Biroo'why are your ears turning red'Is that Typica gonna be there?
OneBir: Ma I am getting late'will catch u later
Metoo: Noone listens to me'lemme just hit the treadmill and knock of another pound or wait'maybe I should visit Donjay today and ask him again to cast him in his film'atleast he will stay away from all the trouble!
Scene 3
Awwnil's House
Awwnil: Mona baccha utth jaa'
Mona: Mmm...Papa I told you I wont get off this bed and I wont eat and I wont even go to the parlour until you talk to Donjay Sir'whaaa whaaa!
Awwnil: Ok baby Ok 'I'll call him'(pulls out his cellphone)
Awwnil: haan Donjay Saab'remember me'?
Donjay from the other side: Awwwnil'. Awwnil!! Kahan that u
Both sing together: Kuch na kaho kuchh bhi na kaho!
Scene 4
Gynaec's office
Fourhaah Khan to gyanec: Haah Haah Haah and Haah'Doc I want 4 babies'I wont settle for any less'they don't call me Fourhaah without a reason
Doc( looking scared): yess'yess Ma'am we will try but it may take some time u know
Fourhaah: Time lagega'hmm' to chalo I'll make a movie meanwhile
Calls up someone on the phone: haan who script laana jo maine Andrew Webber ke ghar mein uske chikne toilet paper par likhi thi'
Kya'Donjay ne naam badal liya hai? Donjay Neela...hmmm...Wishy aur Anil ke bachhon ka launch...haah, haah haah...
Suno Mujhe Yeh Onebir aur Mona ke baare me kucch dope chahiye...
Kya kaha? Typica aur Onebir'chupke chupke''.Liril, Close up waali'hmmm
Sign karo usko'abhi
Accent ka problem'koi baat nahi'dub karenga'tum sign karo bas'
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So thats how it started...!
Want more?? 😃
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Act II
Scene 1
Donjay's fim set where everyone is feeling blue
Mona : I want my daddy...whaaaa
Her hair dresser hands her the phone which she grabs hastily and punches the numbers
Awwnil: Mona bachcha'kaisa hai'khana khaya?
Mona: Stop it dad...I cant breathe in these tons of clothes that Donjay Sir has made me wear.and can you believe it he has made rules for us....
In the other corner of the set Onebir tries to steal a few moments with Typica
Onebir: hi hon'how're u doing baby?
Typica: Please no crap'why haven't we met still'its been 3 weeks
Onebir: Hon Donjay Sir has laid down the rules
Typica : Rules..what rules? As it is I have a headache seeing the 40 year old six packs and listening to Fourhaah going haah haah haah haah on the sets
Onebir: I am supposed to be seen only with Mona in public and we are always supposed to hold hands'
Typica: WHAT??? I don't believe this
Onebir: Darling I tried to argue but Donjay blackmailed me and said he would chop off my towel song from the film and u know na babes'that's the only good thing I have in the movie'and you know what when Mom heard this she fainted 'we thought it was because she was exercising too much but the doc says that its because she has been dreaming of the day when I would do a repeat of Dad's debut film 'the towel you know'What colour towel should it be Babes'tell me na'your favorite'pink???
'.. No answer 'line gone dead on the other side
Donjay appears from nowhere and grabs Onebir's phone and throws it over the bridge into the murky waters'Onebir sighs and returns to the shot'Mona mouths the song lines'"thode badmaash ho tum"while Onebir turns around to hide a tear trickling down his cheek!
Somewhere in another part of the town on another set Typica thumps her feet extra hard on the ground as she goes Dhoom Tana'this is her way of anger management..she learnt it from her dad'he did that a lot on the badminton court'whenever he was losing a game!
Act III
Scene 1
At Typica's friend Neighaw's House
Typica is seated on the couch watching the music show where Mona and OneBir along with Donjay are promoting their movie
Neighaw and his mom enter, Mom holding a plate of steaming hot Idlis
Mom: Here Typs try some..
Typica: Ooo thanks Aunty'No coconut chutney?
Mom: Oh 'I'll get some
Neighhaw: Typs baby'why the frown'you will get lines on that pretty forehead'C'mmon smile now'
Typica isn't paying attention'she is fuming as OneBir cuts the cake with Mona and Donjay smirks in the background on the TV
Typica: Hey Neigh' Can you get me Boni's number please
Neighhaw( looks a lil sad): Boni..the Indian captain? ya sure Babes'lemme try
Mom walks in with chutney. Typica dips an Idli in it and eats daintily'a mysterious smile on her lips'She like Neighaw..she knows he refers to her as as his GF in public sometimes but she doesn't mind that 'his mom's idlis more than make up for that
Typica on the phone with Boni..
Typica: Helllo..remember me?
Boni: Yes, Yes who can forget you Typica ji?
Typica: So Wont you invite me for the match tomorrow..?
Boni: Yes yes ofcourse ji'you are invited and there's a party to after the match'will you come Typica ji?
Typica: of course'Aap bulayen aur hum na aayein
Neighaw listens to the conversation as he plays around with the crumbs of Idli that Typs has left on the plate'how can she be so heartless'Didn't even leave one Idli for me??
Scene 2
Cup o' House
Its 3 in the afternoon and Wishy is already nursing his second scotch..and watching the cricket match on the telly
Onebir sits in the corner forlorn and Metoo as usual working out a furious pace on the treadmill
Wishy: Oye Meeto' whats wrong with this boy yaar'His movie is releasing in a few days and look at his long grumpy face
Metoo: Hai'Donjay showed me the rushes of the towel song'and he looks much cuter than you did in Bobby
Wishy: Puttar whats the matter?
Onebir: Dad I hate this'I mean being seen in the public only with Mona'and holding hands
Metoo( walking even faster): Whats wrong with that'She's a sweet girl..and your cousin, well almost!
Wishy( is sozzled by now); ya ya..what do you say'spaceship cousin'nahi astronaut cousin'nahin yaar'who kya kehte hain
Metoo: Gawd'this man will drive me crazy'WISHY!...its satellite cousin'that's what Donjay suggested so that people don't cry incest!
OneBir isn't listening he is staring at the TV screen where they are showing close shots of Typica in the VIP box'smiling coyly and then there is Boni'he is smiling too looking at Typica on the big screen'
Onebir's head is swimming'his world seems to crumble before his own eyes..
Act III
Scene 1
Post cricket match party
Boni: So Typica ji'*grin grin*'you didn't tell me what you think about it?
Typica: Think about what'uh hhh'I am sorry I wasn't listening
Boni * sulks* : About my new hairstyle'Should I have a hair cut'and what hair colour'tell na jee
Typica: Why don't you get me a drink first'* dimpled smile*
Boni scoots on the double after that..
Typica to herself : Oh Gawd'he is such a bore'what did I get myself into
Sees a bunch of guys grooving on the dance floor and approaches them
Typica: Hi guys'I am Typica
Luvraj is one of the guys'when he sees Typica his tongue is lolling down to the floor
Luvraj* smooths hair and swaggers forward* and in his best attempt of a sexy drawl : Haai'I am Luvraj'but pyaar se log mujhe Luvi kehte hai'aap bhi mujhe Luvi bulayengi kya??
Typica to herself.: this is my best chance of getting rid of Boni and is hair talk
* bats her eye lids and makes an extra effort to smile* : Hi Luvi'I love you'*pause* for the 6 sixes you hit in the T-20'* tinkling laughter*
Scene 2
Luvi takes Typica home..
Luvi: Typica this is my mummy'Subnumb!
Typica: Oh Sub numb'you mean really'has she been like that always?
Luvi: Ya kinda.. only time she isn't numb is when she sees a girl with me.
Typica: Mummy ji* dimpled smile* touches feet
Subnumb: Hai Hai'yeh kaun hai ab'Who mari Krim to nahi aa gayi bhes badal ke..hai hai
Luvi: Mummyji tussi overeact na karo'Yeh Krim nahi hai'iski height to dekho'or yeh dimple'yeh Typica hai ji'OSO waali..
Submumb: Hai hai'To Shanti bol na bewakoof. Main to isko Shanti hi bulaoongi'
Typica murmurs to herself: Oh Gawd'* then loudly*..yes yes Mummy ji'when you call me Shanti, I feel so much at peace!
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I HAD to bump this....
Anupamaa
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