They say that a heart would always know... even if one's mind gives in to the tangles of unfathomable thoughts. Then how come I didn't know? How come my heart didn't?! Amala wondered in silence, sitting still on the board of the handmade swing hanging from a thick branch of the biggest tree in their foresty front yard.
Ever since she was a six years old girl.., for a lifetime really, she'd thought she had found and fallen for the soulmate that God had created only for her how foolish was she... how naive... that she had lived in a world of illusions... that she had chased after a mirage... for so long... only to be shown much later, and in the cruelest way ever possible... that her reality was a whole different thing... a totally different person...
Amala let go of the swing's fat ropes, and brought her hands in front of her... resting her palms on her lap in a slow movement; as the somewhat cool evening breeze continued to hit her rigid form from all sides in gentle blows. She gazed down at her hands for the longest moment, not quite sure what she expected to find in them a way out maybe, something deep down her subconscious mind tried to convince her...
A way out... of what? Or where? She thought to herself again, returning her firm grips on the swing's ropes as she turned upwards to look at the sky... the aether roof above her was darkening in a fast yet beautiful pace.
An abrupt sense of the time snatched her out of her distant thoughts, and Amala turned her glance to the pond that stretched before her eyes, as silent and dark as she was at that instance... she smiled at it a little... and mused at how often she had been visiting this secluded spot of their house's yard as of late, to the point that every thing there seemed so familiar with her now... so friendly.
She would come here every time she'd felt heavy in her heart, specially during those moments when everyone in the house had fallen back to their own small worlds and she felt somewhat left alone and dejected. At the start, she had made sure she'd completely ignored the swing and seated herself in the grassy shade of the huge tree, leaning back on its trunk with her troubled self. But then... the swing had kept tweaking and twirling whenever she had sat there, almost as if nagging her to notice its presence in her vicinity; that she had finally gathered enough will one day and hesitantly sat on it... after that, having a seat anywhere else was no longer an option.
"Such a stubborn swing you are!" Amala said in a soft, grumpy tone, turning to give one of the thick ropes in her clutch an angry glare. "Just like the man who's made you..!"
That man... her husband... Amala let a small "tsk" escape her lips as the thoughts of that person, and the idea of his actual position in her life, started to swarm her mind.
Why did he have to be the way he is... that person?! Amala pondered with an air of melancholy. After only one time that Mannu uttered that childish wish of his, to have a swing at home; Abeer had decided he'd make him one... and he'd actually gone to the trouble of making a swing from scratch, for three times... the first time he'd made one the branch on which it hung broke, and the second time the ropes were too weak they barely lasted a single week... and then he'd made this one... "strong enough to hold anyone of us, not just Mannu!" He'd announced so proudly one afternoon, the brightest of smiles stretching on his face. Her heart had acted weird at that time...
And that was not the first time that she'd felt a mingle of those confusing and unnamed emotions towards him, Amala contemplated in silence as she muffled an ironic snigger that was directed at herself. For the last few weeks now, an array of events have been occurring that had made her stop in her tracks and be lost in her deep ruminations, and before she could realise it she'd felt her anger toward him diminishing. She could no longer get irked whenever he comes into her surroundings... she could no more feel outrageous at every little act he does or word he utters. Heck... nowadays, she was even on the verge of admitting to herself that somehow... somewhere... there was a good person living in the shell of the monster who'd been the reason of her worst nightmares, her worst fears.
How could he give her such a hard time at labelling him her main culprit? How dare he?!
But by now Amala knew very well that she had been turning a blind eye to all the attempts that Abeer had been making at finding ways through which he could fulfill his redemption, to somehow succeed in making her life a tad bit easier... to do good for her...
Yet, she couldn't speak of that in front of anyone, not even Kannu di; who probably was the most capable person in her life of showing her the right way to decipher and act out on her emotions.
She was behaving like a total coward; Amala was aware of that. However... she felt too weak to stop with the self-pitying... too scared to leave behind her human punching bag that was Abeer. Because to do so, meant for her to let go of her sorrows and loathing, and move on in life with the expectations of tomorrow rather than the anguish of the past. And to her horror..; she just didn't know how to do that anymore.
"How to be free again?!" Amala muttered to herself in puzzlement... and then an idea clicked in her mind.
She started to carefully readjust her position on the swing, now half seated on its wooden seat and half standing on the ground. Breathing a generous amount of fresh air into her lungs, she pushed the earth beneath her feet to swing backwards...
Albeit kicking off with the least bit of energy at the start, even those small swings back and forth had brought about an unexplained sense of euphoria into Amala's whole being. And soon, she found herself picking up at her speed bit by bit, wanting to experience the highest point she could reach under that thick tree; for the whooshing breeze that had hit her every time she flew forward was too intoxicating at that moment to think about stopping.
Then, out of nowhere, she'd felt it... a certain pair of eyes looking at her with an intensity that caused the hair at the back of her neck to go into a ticklish frenzy...
With one sharp move, Amala landed on the ground and swiftly turned to look at him, unabashed, her hands still clutching the ropes of the swing that hung neglected behind her now. Though Abeer hadn't budged an inch, nor did he break their connected gazes, still, Amala was too sure that he was taken aback at the sudden attention he'd gotten from her.
"I'm sorry..." he began, his voice sounding a little dry. "I didn't know you'll be here... usually at this time you're already gone inside..."
Amala furrowed her brows at him, her eyes narrowing into questioning slits.
"Ah... it's not that I'm keeping an eye on you or anything." Abeer tried to explain further, looking thoroughly dumbfounded now, "actually this side of the yard is visible through my room's window, so... uhm... I'll just go now. You carry on."
"Stay." Amala called out behind him on a whim.
Abeer turned on his heels and met her eyes again, his hand simultaneously reaching to take out one of the earbuds stuffed in his ears, while the other held his phone aloofly. He didn't say anything... but continued to look at her in a curious yet expectant manner.
"You can stay." Amala said again, not knowing exactly why did she even offer him that in the first place.
Abeer stood still for a few moments, as if unable to interfere the words she'd just spoken... and then, ever so slowly, he nodded his head and walked in her direction.
As Amala resumed her comfortable seating pose on the swing again, she noticed with the corner of her eye that Abeer had made sure to maintain a considerable distance from her.
She looked down at her feet as she started to draw circles in the soil with her toe tips.
"You still come here to listen to music?" Amala asked after some minutes, trying to break the flustering stretch of silence.
"I do. Though not as much as before." Abeer replied, eyes glued to the pond now patterned with reflections of lights in the dark.
"Why?" Amala pressed on, turning her attention to him, simply to keep the conversation going.
"Well..." Abeer turned to look at her, "you often came here lately. I... didn't want to disturb you." He added a little awkwardly.
Amala nodded and looked down again.
"You spend a lot of your time here nowadays... alone..." Abeer went on, merely describing what she had been doing lately. But Amala could sense that his hesitation hid a bit of his concern behind it.
"I do." Amala simply retorted. Again not sure of the reason why she didn't mind him clearly being inquisitive.
"Why..?" Abeer asked... a little carefully, keeping up with the pattern of talk she'd initiated.
Amala looked up at him again, his eyes were glistening in the dark due to some light falling on them... and she wondered how much really she could share with him. How much of her mind was a space in which he was allowed to dwell...
"A lot has been going on in my mind recently... it's so confusing..." she stated in an ambiguous tone.
"And you're trying to get rid of your confusions by swinging at neck breaking speed?!" Abeer asked in an incredulous voice, as if momentarily he had forgotten his own discomfort around her, and causing a tiny smile to force its way on her features.
"No. I just sit here... thinking..." Amala said, a little more at ease now for some reason unknown to her. "It's only today that I felt like swinging. It's actually the first time I tried the swing."
"Is it..?" Abeer replied, as a mysterious emotion started to form in his eyes, and even as Amala couldn't recognise it; she could see that his uneasiness was starting to melt away... just like hers did, so slowly.
"You know... if you swing with full force, then you will be right above the pond at the highest point forward!" Amala blurted out before she could stop herself, and she felt like giving herself a smack on the head the instant she finished her sentence, and saw him blink at her rapidly... probably surprised at her unexpected childish blabbering.
"I see. But you need to be careful while attempting that... you don't want to fall into the pond's murky waters, do you?" Abeer said, his lips curving into a small smile.
And they fell silent again... a little longer this time, as both ran out of ideas to keep the conversation alive.
"You've started using earphones..." Amala stated after a while, as if it was her turn to describe what he was doing.
"Yes, I have." He affirmed her words, running his fingers in his hair, "I didn't want to disturb your preparations for exams." He added briefly, smiling down at her as he returned his hand into his sweatpants' pocket.
Amala passed a nervous smile to him, and quickly returned to her messy drawing on the earth beneath her feet. A strong inkling, however, told her that he had actually acted on her demand the last time she had came across him while listening to music in the yard...
"You're listening to that song now?" Amala couldn't help but ask him.
"No. I'm not listening to that song..." Abeer replied at her almost instantly, in a half laughing voice, "though I am listening to R D Burman's playlist."
"Oh." Amala uttered in a small voice, and inwardly hoped that the effect of hot blood suddenly rushing to her face would go unnoticed by him under the cover of darkness.
"I can take out the earphones if you want to have a listen too..." Abeer said, now studiously looking at her.
Amala gave a little nod, making sure not to look up and meet his eyes.
Din duba nahi raat dubi nahi
Jane kaisa hai safar
Khwaabon ke diye aankhon mein liye
Wahin aa rahe the
Jahan se tumhari sada aa rahi thi
The evergreen voice of Lata filled the silent air around them with its melodious sweetness... and Amala found herself compelled to look up at Abeer yet again.
He returned her gaze almost immediately, and with equal intensity. She wasn't sure what it was that she'd felt when their eyes collided, but as she continued to be captivated with the depths of his..; Amala knew that whatever was the feeling that was overwhelming her mind and heart, it was certainly mirrored in Abeer's sparkly light eyes at that moment.
Edited by Diaa - 8 years ago
Udne Ki Aasha
