Chapter 5
"Khushi, I love you .
His voice stopped her in her tracks, reverberating through her skull, shocking her, scaring her, thrilling her. She felt as though an electric current passed through her, jolting her system, scorching her skin. The door she had slammed shut on the day of her marriage, blast open again, flooding her with forgotten feelings and ignored emotions.
Even before the impassioned declaration could fully invade her, a wretchedness crawled up her skin and reality drove a stake through her heart. Her hand automatically came up to caress her curved belly, reminding her of her past, present, and future, all at the same time.
Unwilling to face him, lest she shows him what those words had meant to her, she forced her legs that had halted when she heard his words, to move, willing herself not to turn back and look.
She couldn't deal with this now. She didn't have the strength, the energy to think about this and with each step, she took away from him, she let her anger grow for springing this upon her. Why couldn't he let things be the way they were, she thought. What was the need to put into words, to declare things he had no business even thinking in the first place? Didn't he realize what she was already going through? Every day she felt as though her heart and mind were being put through a wringer.
When she started working after walking out of her marriage, work had become her escape. When he walked in and extended his hand in friendship, he had become her salvation. The feelings she had thought were dead and buried, sprang to life again, blooming under his gruff affections and heated stares. When she realized that she was in danger of falling under his spell again, she had made half-baked plans of moving away from him.
How dare he jeopardize their equation? She was taking care of this, wasn't she? They could have maintained status-quo, couldn't they? On some level, she knew that she was behaving irrationally and that her anger towards him was not justified, but nothing other than a need to hide from herself and him spurred her actions. Gathering her things and hastily shooting out an email to Vikas and Arnav about her leaving early, she stormed out with as much grace a pregnant woman was capable of.
Later, dressed only in a nightshirt that was two sizes too big even in her much plumper version, she raided the refrigerator for something edible. She was too tired to cook but it didn't look like there was anything leftover. Come to think of it, she didn't remember the last time she cooked. All her food had been taken care of by Arnav since they had been in each other's company for close to twelve hours a day. For some reason, the thought brought in a sheen of fresh tears to her eyes. Since when had they become that close? How had she never noticed it before this? Why had she never noticed this before? Had it been only two months since he came back into her life? It seemed as though he had never left. It seemed as though he had always been with her. She had thought distancing herself from him would take care of this inconvenient dependence she seemed to have developed for him. And he had to go and spoil everything by declaring...She couldn't say the words even in her mind. Why would he say something like that to her? He could have any of those pretty, unmarried girls who coveted his attention. Hadn't she seen it at the engagement party? So many of the aunties lining up to introduce their daughters to him. He was the certified catch of the season. Why the hell was he interested in a just-divorced pregnant woman like her?
She would have gone on ranting if her stomach hadn't chosen that moment to let out a loud rumble reminding her of the purpose she had been raiding the refrigerator in the first place. Giving in to the urge to sigh, she closed the fridge and hunted for her phone to order food for delivery. Fifteen minutes later, she sank into the sofa and desperately tried not to give in to the urge to cry. Her phone was nowhere to be found and hunger was making her weak. It was either make something for herself or eat raw vegetables for dinner. The silence of her apartment suddenly turned oppressive and she felt tears of rage and pity leak from the corner of her eyes. Just as she decided that a good cry might actually make her feel better, she heard the peal of the doorbell. Too tired to do think, she opened the door only to find her powers of speech desert her.
"Hi " the small smile that accompanied the voice that usually sent shivers tingling up her spine, made her knees go weak.
"Can I come in? " Unable to form a coherent thought, she nodded before moving to the side to let him in.
It was only when she saw him completely at home in her space like he had always been a part of it, did sanity return and she asked him almost sounding belligerent.
"What are you doing here? "
"I came to return this " he held up her phone, brandishing it around as though it were a toy
"Plus, I got dinner, " he said holding up a bag from which delicious smells wafted up her nose. Suddenly the hunger she had forgotten about came back with a vengeance and her stomach let out a loud rumble. She saw his eyes fill with mirth and his lips twitch. Angry color flooded her face and she first snatched her phone and then as though on second thoughts, grabbed the bag containing the food and put it on the table. Throwing him a look that could have felled him had it the power, she said
"Thank you for the phone and the food. You can go now. "
"Wow! itna gussa?! But why? What did I do? " he sounded so genuinely baffled that she almost felt sorry for him, almost being the operative word. She snorted but kept quiet.
"Khushi, I really don't understand. "
She gave him an incredulous look when she saw him shrug his shoulders.
"Really? You don't understand why I am angry with you? " His nod snapped the fragile thread of control on her anger that she had held. Fury gushed through her veins with the force of water through a broken dam. She shoved him with all her might and felt satisfied when she saw him stagger back and fall against the wall.
"What do you think of yourself? You think you can say anything you want and I will be okay with it? I would accept it? I don't feel anything for you! Do you understand? I feel nothing for you!! You are just my boss and till today was someone I knew once. Bas! Nothing more! "
"Really? So you feel nothing for me? " she didn't know how she suddenly came to be trapped between the wall and him. He had his arms on either side of her, the palms pushed against the wall, effectively caging her. He leaned towards her as though trying to taste her lips, but at the last minute she turned her face. It didn't seem to deter him. She felt his breath against her ear, warm, wet and felt something unfurl at the pit of her stomach. His lips gently grazed the outer lobe of her ear and she felt resulting heat spread from deep within her. She couldn't stop the shiver that started from somewhere deep within her.
"You still feel nothing? " he whispered before nipping her ear. Her heart thundered and her blood roared in her ears. His lips were now moving across her jawline, placing tiny feather soft kisses along the way. As they reached the corner of her lips, a low moan rose from deep within her, the sound reverberating through the tiny apartment.
The only thought running through Arnav's mind when he caged her between his arms was to somehow prove to her that he wasn't the only one who was burning. But at the first touch of his lips on the silky smoothness of her skin, all coherent thought flew out of his head. He could do nothing but feel. The haze that clouded his eyes was so thick that he was aware only of her response. Her low moan spread through him and an answering growl emerged from deep within his throat, the guttural sound sounding harsh in the still silence of the air around them. His hands were no longer on the wall but on her waist, kneading gently, trying to feel the softness of her skin through the rough cotton of her nightshirt.
He felt as though he had come home when his lips finally closed in on hers. Vaguely, somewhere in the back of his mind, he registered that they were even softer than they had looked and definitely a lot more smooth than he had imagined. None of his vivid fantasies ever matched the reality. His tongue plundered as he drank her like a parched man. As they finally broke for air, he continued his assault on her moving from her jaw to her neck and then down to her collarbone. God, how those delicate bones had tormented him. He had heard of fetishes, but he had never heard of one for collar bones and yet, her delicate bird-like collarbone had driven him out of his mind on more than one occasion.
He must have said that out loud because one minute he was gently nipping her, feasting on her and the next he was being pushed back. The very hands that had been gripping him had pushed him back with surprising strength. He very nearly lost his balance before straightening himself. He stared at her fighting his way out of the cloud of passion he had been engulfed in, trying to make sense of what had just happened. He felt smug satisfaction when he saw her trying to gain control of her ragged breathing, sounding like she had just run a marathon.
"You think this is nothing? " he asked softly when he caught his breath back.
The smugness of his tone brought Khushi back from the cloud she had been floating on. She pushed his hands off her and tried to create as much distance between them as possible, which was not much, given that she was still plastered to the wall on her back.
"This? " she tried to introduce a note of disdain in her voice but it was spoilt by the tremor in it.
"This is nothing but...but just an attraction. Chemistry. Just...just two people who..who haven't... she took a deep breath and continued trying not to notice his look of increasing skepticism.
"Look, I am pregnant and hormones run wild when you are pregnant. It says so in that book you got for me. And "
"And? "
"And you...you just probably "
"Probably? "
He moved back and folded his hands across his chest, waiting for her to complete. He had a fair idea of what she was going to say but he still wanted to hear it from her mouth.
"Probably haven'tgottenlaidinawhile "
"Huh? " she huffed out her breath and would have stamped her foot if she didn't think he would have burst out laughing.
"I said, you probably haven't gotten laid in a while! "
"Okay, let me get this straight. You think that this..this attraction between us is because your hormones and me not being with a girl in a while? "
At her nod, he stepped back and pinned her with a gaze that seemed to search for something on her face. She flushed and tried to not fidget under the intensity of his stare. Her breath grew short and her heart started to race again.
"Why were you angry with me when I came in Khushi? " he asked in a soft voice. Without waiting for her to answer, he continued
"Why did you keep walking this afternoon when I said that I loved you? I thought maybe you hadn't heard me properly but when you ran away from work " Her eyes flashed at him as she narrowed her gaze when he said ran away. There was a challenge in his eyes when he returned her stare with one of his own and his tone was almost taunting when he continued
"Yes, ran away. Like I was saying, I thought you hadn't heard me first, but then when I thought about it, it is something else isn't it? What is it, darling? " she flinched at the endearment and Arnav stopped. He was an idiot of the first order. He was doing the exact same thing he told his parents he'd never do...Force her to accept him. Stunned by his own insensitivity, he reared back and raked a shaky hand through his hair. Contrite, he said his voice apologetic
" Khushi, God, I am sorry! I swore to myself that I will never force my feelings on you and here I am, doing exactly that! Just because I love you.. he was interrupted
"Stop saying that! "
"What? "
"Stop saying that you love me! You don't! "
"I don't?! "
"No, you don't. Believe me, I know " the earnest words accompanied by emphatic nods had him baffled. Why did it suddenly feel as though he had completely lost his ability to think?
"You do? "
"Will you stop repeating everything I say? " at his blank look, she pushed herself from off the wall and walked past him muttering to herself and walked back again.
"Khushi, I can't understand anything. Can you please slow down and tell me clearly. And can you please stop pacing, it's making me dizzy! "
"I said, you don't love me! "
"I got that! I just don't understand why you would say that " he replied, his frustration spilling through in spite of his efforts to remain patient.
"You have this knight in shining armor syndrome and think..
"A what syndrome?!! "
"A knight in shining armor syndrome. Will you stop interrupting me!! "
"A knight in shining armor syndrome?! "
Her answer was exasperated groan accompanied by the stamp of a foot. He put up his hands in defense and pursed his lips signaling that he would keep his mouth shut.
She took a deep breath and started again.
"I think, no I know you have a knight in shining armor syndrome. You feel compelled take care of people who you think are in distress...rescue them actually. I have seen it all through my childhood, in fact, it was one of the main reasons I fell in... her voice trailed away while his heart soared. She started pacing again.
"Anyways, this time, I just want to say, I am not, I repeat, not in any trouble. I am happy. Really, I am fine...I don't need you to come and rescue me. All this love you are feeling, na, is just that. If I wasn't a divorcee and pregnant, you wouldn't be looking twice at me. I don't need to be rescued. I am fine. More than fine actually. " she finished, her voice trailing off towards the end as she took in his increasingly thunderous expression. He clenched his jaw to prevent himself from saying something he would regret. He fought to bring his emotions under control. Of all the hare-brained reasons he had ever heard for anything in the twenty-six years of his life, this one had to take the cake! He deemed it safe to speak only when he felt had a semblance of control over his anger.
"I don't know what I feel? I think hunger has addled your brain! " he said, struggling to keep his voice from rising, as he felt his frustration and ire returning when he thought of her explanation. When he looked at her, he saw the lines of exhaustion and tiredness etched in her face and swallowed the angry words that rose to his lips. She didn't need this now.
Allowing himself a heartfelt sigh, he raked a frustrated hand through his hair again before backing away from her and then turning and making his way to the door, his long strides eating the distance in a couple of steps. At the door, he turned towards her and said
"Why don't you eat and then sleep? I will see you tomorrow. Don't forget to lock up."
Before she could blink, he was out of the door.
Khushi watched him close the door softly behind him and sank down on the dining chair. Suddenly, too tired to get up, she put her head down on the table. Misery combined with other un-named emotions clawed her insides. It was only when she saw the dinner package did she realize that he had bought dinner for the both of them. Feeling utterly wretched, she felt overwhelmed with the mix of emotions assailing her. Finally, deciding to eat for the sake of eating, she made a plate for herself. That he had picked all her favorites only served to deepen her misery. Dashing the tears that made it's way down her cheeks, she wolfed down the food without tasting anything. It could have been sawdust for all she cared. Resolving to talk to him again the next day, she went to bed, exhausted from all the happenings of the day. Her last thought before the sandman sprinkled his magical sand on her was that the next time Arnav and she spoke' she would make sure that there was a table or something separating them. A monster one.
*
Arnav drove through the quietened streets of Delhi listlessly, his mind on the range of emotions he had felt in the past fifteen hours. He had gone from being optimistically happy to furious to euphoric to tenderness to concern to guilt, all within a span of a day.
She had been so exhausted, he thought with a pang. This was definitely not the best time to prove his feelings to her. She needed a restful few months and he hadn't made it easy for her at all. He hadn't meant to declare his feelings. They had just popped out...in the spur of the moment. He had berated himself almost immediately. His intentions when he had gone to her house had been to play it cool and to reassure her that things would remain the same between them for as long as she wanted. He would never force her to listen or accept his feelings. But, things had gotten out of hand pretty quickly. The moment she had said that she felt nothing for him, something in him had roared to life and all that had mattered after that was to prove that he did mean something to her. The minute he had touched her, every thought had drained from his mind and all he could do was to feel. He had been drowning in sensations he had only dreamt of till now and hadn't wanted to surface.
He felt a chuckle bubble up his chest as he replayed the last conversation he had with her. A knight in shining armor' syndrome. That was something, he thought laughing out loud. Not to mention her haven'tgottenlaidinawhile' . What would she say if he told her that apart from going out of a few casual dates, he never had a serious girlfriend? She would probably declare that was the reason why he was having all these weird thoughts. He was even sure that she could come up with some convoluted logic to justify her weird statements. She was crazy and he was bonkers about this crazy woman.
He sighed, thinking about the emotional turmoil he had unwittingly embroiled her in. He would step back, he vowed. Put a distance between them and make her comfortable again. Give her the time and space she needed to be comfortable with the idea of them.
A small voice within him whispered that she might never be comfortable, that she would always come up with some reason why they wouldn't make a good pair. He would patiently listen to her and then work towards allaying her fears without her feeling pressurized. But, he would only speak about this if she spoke about it first. On second thoughts, what if she never spoke about it? Suddenly feeling a little hot behind his collar, he pulled it away from his neck. Okay, he would not speak about this until the baby is born, he amended. After that, he would definitely make his case. It would be him and baby vs her, he thought, not for a moment entertaining the possibility of the dynamic being anything else.
He was still thinking about how to make Khushi look past his behavior of the day before and make her continue her job here, the next morning, when he bumped into a svelte saree clad figure. Looking up to say sorry, he was struck dumb to see the last person he had expected to see looking at him with a hopeful and yet fearful expression on her face. The only thing he could think of at that moment was that he didn't need this right now. Not at all!
***
Note:
Sorry, I am a day late. Just couldn't get the update ready in time.
The next chapter would be the last one with the probability of an epilogue if you guys want one.
Please excuse the typos if any.
Hope you liked the way the story is progressing and would consider leaving me your thoughts. It is always so great to hear back from the readers.
And a big thank you to those who commented on the previous update. Made my day. Hugs to the three who asked me for the update. Felt so good to know that there were a few people who were waiting for my story š
Next update will be in two weeks.
Edited by Ssanjinika - 8 years ago
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