Posted:
Okay first I want to apologise sincerely to all my readers that I don't reply to all your comments. I'm really sorry about that but I really don't have much time except to write. I hope you understand.
Again, enjoy.
So maybe Neil's a little impatient when he decides to burst into that diner (even though Avni told him no), and maybe he's a little aggressive with his puffed up chest when he flings open the door (okay, yeah, the waitress definitely eyes him warily) and hell, maybe when he says, "Feel a little left out over therescoot over, he's maybe a little too enthusiastic when he shoves into the booth next to Avni (and kind of sits in her lap), but whatever the hell he does, it definitely doesn't give Ali the goddamn right to pull him aside with a glare and say, "Maybe you wanna be a little less alpha male right now, Neil, and focus on Avni?
The f**kno one knows how to focus on a Avni better than Neil.
But yeah, maybe Neil can't help but swallow a little nervously when Ali says that.
Because it gets to him.
It freaks him out when Ali says it. It freaks him out because it implies a little somethingsomething about the way that he feels around Avni, and there's something uneasy, something that stirs in the pit of his stomach when Ali notices it. He tries to brush it off. He rolls his eyes at Ali, thumps him on the back and pretends that what Ali's said doesn't mean a damn well anything, but none of it matters, because in the end...it gets to him (it makes him force himself to stop wanting).
But he can't get himself to stop his behaviour.
Avni doesn't notice it. Or at least she doesn't seem to. She doesn't notice the way that Neil sometimes pushes Avni behind himselfthe way that Neil just has this instinct to cover Avni with his body, whenever someone dares make a threat to her life. Hell, when that happens, Neil doesn't know what comes over him. He doesn't know why he's suddenly trying to make himself bigger, trying to redirect those damn insults to himself and away from Avni.
But it's Ali's glance at him every time that it happens that makes Neil's heart skip a beat, makes his hands clammy and makes him feel anxious; it gets to him (it's a goddamn warning to keep himself from Avni).
They bicker a lot. Lately, it's just what Avni and him do. Neil knows that his anger's misdirected. He knows that Avni was just trying to save his ass when Avni decided to stick it to Dayawanti, but cosmic consequencesthey scare him. He's sick of cosmic consequences. He's even sicker when Avni is the one who might have to face them.
"Yeah, you know what I like about him is that he's sarcastic but he's thoughtful and appreciative, too.
Neil doesn't know what it is about thatabout Avni' boasting statementthat makes the anxiety in Neil's blood boil over, that makes his fingers twitch and makes him crane his neck to look back at Avni and demand, "What's that supposed to mean? and what makes him lose control of his car. But the feeling's the same. The feeling's the same when Avni praises Ali as if someone's holding a knife up to Avni' throat right in that moment, and it evokes Neil's goddamned reactionit evokes his need to make sure Avni is safe and behind him where Neil can take the blows for her even if Neil knows Avni is safe and just irritated.
But it's Ali's knowing look that always f**king gets to him.
It starts slipping into other thingshis behaviour. He even becomes aware of it, maybe even before Ali knows it, because now there'll be a thought crossing his mind before he acts, and it'll whisper Don't over and over even though he'll always push it aside.
The first time it happens, he holds himself back. They're down at one of the clubs for a rare night offhe, Ali, and Avniand even some of his staff is there. It happens when he notices the way that two men look at Avni,the way that their eyes seem to slide over Avni' body, the way that they lick their goddamn lips and exchange glances with each other as if they've got a plan and it involves her and sharing and a f**king bed. It sets fire to an itch beneath Neil's skin. It makes him tense enough that Ali shoots him a look, a look that follows Neil's murderous gaze at those f**kers, but Neil's good enough at holding himself back that Ali dismisses it as Neil's contempt for anything that resembles criminals.
It gets to him so he holds himself back.
But he can't do it for long.
He can't bite his tongue, even when there's a mantra of Don't, Don't in his head. He finds his feet working for him. He finds himself sauntering over to the map place where Avni is talking to those guys,finds himself walking right up to Avni, finds himself bumping their hips together, swinging an arm around Avni' back and saying, "How's my wife doing?
Maybe he's even a little mortified at his behaviour. Maybe he knows he's a goddamn embarrassment, but he can't help it. He keeps finding his lips twisting into a smug smirk, finds himself tightening his fingers on Avni' back and maybe he's issuing a challenge, a silent challenge that those idiots seem to understand.
And then Avni looks at him. Avni turns and looks at him, and there's maybe a little itch under Avni' skin, too, because Avni' eyes are intense and they're focused on Neil's lips, trailing down his neck and they make Neil feel like he's burning under Avni' fierce scrutiny.
He swallows; it gets to him.
It gets to him in a whole new way.
He keeps doing it. He can't help himself. He keeps walking up to Avni, keeps finding reasons to touch her. Maybe he gets a little impulsivehell, he doeswhen he starts coming up behind Avni, starts pressing himself up from behind just to murmur meaningless messages into Avni' ear, things like "Ali's got a lead and "Freakin' Ali's getting on my nerves, but he'll find himself using his lowest voice, find himself speaking dark and deep and wanting as Ali look on.
Or maybe everyone in the whole room knows by now.
Maybe they know how to get to him. Maybe they know that he's not good enough for Avni.
There's something about Avni that changes, one month into them living together. Maybe it's Neil imagination. But it's the way that Avni starts to look at all the men around her. The way that she'll smile at them, a way that'll reignite the itch in Neil all over again, the way that the need to flank Avni from every side will rear up, the need to keep touching, touching in ways that maybe aren't so innocent, just to keep the itch at bay.
It seems to amuse Avni.
It seems to make Avni look at Neil with darker eyes, with possessive eyes that seem to want to stoke the fire in Neil's reactions, Neil's urges. It'll make Neil swallow, it'll make Neil hot between his legs, and Avni'll seem to provoke Neil, make Neil too bold. It'll make Neil press up against Avni with everyone in full view and it'll make Neil whisper in Avni's ear, a deep growled, "I don't like the way that you look at them.
Avni's heavy breathing in that moment seems to get to him.
It's a kind of downwards spiral. It's him and it's everything that he's been denying himself for years. It all gets to him. It all reminds himAli's knowing expression, his own needy touches, Avni' wanting eyesthat he's crossing a line, crossing into a place that he's promised himself that he won't touch because he ruins everything. He knows it.
All of it, all of it. All of it gets to him.
There's something sweet about it.
There's something in him that makes him crawl over to Avni's prone form even though he's bleeding out fast himself, even though they're finally facing Dayawanti.It's there when Ali is unconscious. It's there when it looks like they're going to lose. It's there when Dayawanti stalks up to Neil, Neil who's crawled over Avni' body, who's straddling her and who's holding Avni's face in his hands and begging her to look at Neil, for god's sake, just to look at him because Avni' eyes are unfocused, and there aren't anymore Don'ts chanting inside of Neil's mind. Nothing's getting to him anymore, nothing that makes him want to hold back. He knows if he stays, then at least they'll die together.
It doesn't get to him. It doesn't get to him when the fight's over and Neela ma's interruption saves the day. He lets himself fuss over Avni' wounds, wounds that are rapidly healing to Avni's exasperation, wounds that are nothing compared to Neil's. He doesn't let it get to him when Avni sticks her hand up his shirt to check for the wound when, he shivers when Avni strokes the skin there a few times even though Neil's all healed up.
It doesn't get to him when they're back at home. It doesn't get to him when he goes there, to his assigned space in his bed, and finds Avni sitting on the edge of the mattress, the single light bulb swinging slightly above Avni's head like a strange halo, Avni in nothing but his shirt.
Neil walks slowly, takes those few steps before he finds himself standing between Avni's parted legs, Avni' hands coming to rest on his hips.
Avni' eyes are dark, unreadable, when she pushes Neil down until Neil's kneeling on the floor before her.
Something makes Neil close his eyes when Avni brushes her finger across Neil's temple, when Avni starts moving forward, her hot mouth, her lips almost closing the distance between Neil's own, hovering near but not kissing yet.
Maybe she's waiting to see if it gets to Neil before she touches him.
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