4. Turning of Time
I saw Aadi peeping out of the window as the flight started to tear down the clouds for its descent in Mumbai. He had a wide grin on his face, I couldn't help but laugh, seeing his childlike enthusiasm of seeing his nani' and maasi' again. I had kept Aadi as far away from all our complications as I could, but Aadi is an intelligent child, more often than not I felt he had sensed the ridge between me and my maternal family, but he never asked me anything.
***
Sitting on the couch by the table where Mallika was enthusiastically displaying her array of wedding shopping to show me, my eyes fell on the kitchen slab where Aadi was now sitting with his nani'. Mumma was quietly smiling at his random stories and feeding him his breakfast of demand for the day poori aloo'. Seeing her pamper my son thus, anyone would think it was a normal household, but not in our household. This was her way of indirectly telling me to not behave distant in front of Mallika's in-laws I laughed at the thought of this if Mallika's in-laws where any different family, I would understand why she wanted to put up this charade. But this was Pricks's family, they knew me better than Mumma anyway. However, to be fair to her, as she hasn't ever been fond of us, neither has she ever let the bitterness seep into Aadi's heart. She has always shown cordial affection towards him.
"Di, di, see this earring!! Shivay bought this for me!! He said, it would look prettiest on me!! It's so beautiful naah? the mention of Shivay's name caught my attention back at Mallika who was now enthusiastically waving a box of earrings before me. It was a simple diamond dangler earring in the shape of a dew drop. My hands automatically moved to touch it gently as my thoughts moved on to the person who bought it for Mallika.
After Shivay had left that day, I did think about those days for some time, but I was as clear as ever in my mind that those were memories that was tangential to my reality. I had a chance to create some perfect memories and store them in the hidden chambers of my heart forever, and so I grabbed the opportunity. There aren't many such fulfilling moments of love and passion in my life anymore thus I knew the value of these they were perfect because, none of us were ever going to visit the past to change it, none of us had a future to add to it these were untouched virgin memories, and I held them close. But Shivay? I had reasoned with myself that the next time I will meet him, he will be my half-sister's beau. Other than being my best friend's brother, he will only be my brother-in-law now and nothing else.
Also to be honest, after Aadi returned from his boarding and Daksh joined too, I really didn't get the time to think about Shivay and my escapade anyway. Aadi and his mischiefs, his demands, Daksh's routine kept me busy. In a way it was good, because by now when I had to fly to Mumbai, I knew I was mentally sorted and over that phase of possible guilt and dilemma. Now I was ready to face Pricks and Shivay and not feel awkward about it why should I? I didn't seduce Shivay into sleeping with me, it was a mutual decision between two adults and I intended to uphold my share of the deal.
***
"Destiny waits alike for the free man as well as for him enslaved by another's bond" ~ Voice of the Ocean, Anika.
I don't want to believe it was destiny that made Mallika ask me in the evening to accompany her to Shivay's house. Pricks had arranged for a small family dinner before the mehendi' and official commencement of the wedding functions most of their guests had arrived and she wanted to introduce Mallika to all of them personally before the function. I wasn't sure why I didn't want to go it was Pricks's house, I knew them all, they would be only too happy to see me, and Pricks and I hadn't had a chance to catch up with each other in the longest time. But my first instinct was to say No'. I tried to reason myself, was it because of Shivay? It couldn't be, I was sorted in that lane maybe I was tired? But what surprised me most was when Mumma spoke to me.
"Betaji, I know you must be tired, but this is a big day for Mallika, she is meeting so many of her in-laws, I think she will feel better if her sister is by her side to support her. the Mumma I knew, would never insist me to be a part of Mallika's world or happiness, just like she would never stop me. I wondered why she had such a change of heart;
"But Aadi, he needs to sleep. I can't leave him... I began again, surprising myself on my insistence to avoid going to Shivay's house.
"Don't worry about Aadi, betaji. He will be okay with me. I will make him eat and put him to sleep she finished with a slight maternal affection. This time I was too surprised to negate, and also deep within, I wanted to challenge myself and see why I wanted to inherently avoid facing him. Was I feeling embarrassed or awkward deep within? Who knew? But either ways, I wasn't leaving Aadi behind, in case what happened in the last few days got the better of me, I could always make up some excuse on his behalf and leave quickly.
***
As much as I thought, all these fancy "filler dinners in between the main ceremonies were getting a tad bit over the top, but who would explain that to Priyanka di? Maybe a small part of me, as much irritated these made me, it wanted to abide by whatever di wanted me to do I have noticed that di has been put off for some time now, I knew it had to do with Rajveer jiju, I felt, if tormenting me with inconsequential wedding customs made her feel better, I would listen to her however grudgingly. For example, just sometime back di had marched into my room and informed that all my plans for the evening were cancelled and she had conveyed the same to my manager, she gave me yet another kurta from Andy's never ending ethnic wear collection and asked me to put that on and come downstairs, since Mallika had arrived for yet another dinner.
As I walked out of my room, while leaving a quick text message to my manager, so that he rescheduled my meetings for another day instead of cancelling them, I almost bumped into a child who was hardly deterred by the push and sped past me to Daadi's room. My gaze followed him before I turned around, and then I froze on my spot. I was just about to bump into another person only this time it wasn't a kid, it was someone with a pair of hypnotic eyes. Someone whose existence, I was trying to ignore. Someone, whom until now I felt, I could deal with, when I met her here at the wedding. And in a moment, everything suddenly came back to me again like it was painfully put on suspension inside my heart, and suddenly all came crashing down on me.
~Flashback begins~
I was done with the days recording and was about to head back to my hotel in Delhi, when my manager frantically called me to inform that there was some operational misunderstanding at my clients end, and hence my suite that was to be booked for ten days starting that night, was in fact, booked from the next day. He apologized for the goof-up and assured me he was going to arrange for my security and staying for the night in some other good hotel.
After two hours of waiting, I was told that all presidential and executive suites of all the best hotels in town were booked due to wedding season, and my manager had suggested that for security purpose, I should fly back for the night to Mumbai and again fly the next morning and come to Delhi for the rest of the recording. Tired, hassled and irritated as I already was, I wasn't up for such a hectic plan hence, I had told my manager it was fine I would stay the night with a family friend, that way I won't require security for the night, and I would come to the hotel the next evening directly after recording.
I thought for a while, I had a few good friends in Delhi. There was Rudra my childhood friend and brother, but only yesterday we spoke and he said he is in Bangalore for work. Then there was Riyaan from the college football team, even when we spoke last, he had asked me to visit him but his wife was pregnant, so I didn't want to disturb them. I could always go to Omkara, but ever since Omkara married Svetlana, it got awkward turns out Svetlana is still bitter about our breakup and Omkara embarrassed about it. So that left me with Anika di. Yes, I could go there. She and Daksh bhai wouldn't mind.
As I rang the doorbell, I felt excited about seeing her. Anika di and I go way back in history. She has been my solo consistently serious crush since childhood. I have had quite a few shots of adulthood at her expense. As a child I was quite her stalker, but she never knew this of course! I hadn't called to inform them of my arrival thought I would surprise them! At that point, I was completely unaware of the surprise, life was soon going to throw at me.
As I rang the doorbell of her house located in the posh locales of Defence Colony, south Delhi, I waited patiently to catch the surprised look on her face at seeing me here at this hour. After a few short moments, I heard movement from the other side of the door, and soon enough the large and tastefully designed dark paneled main door opened.
"Is this real? Oh my God! Shivay the Rockstar at my door? I mimicked before the petit woman who now stood at the door and peered at me with a frown.
A few seconds passed, and she still had the same expression just a frown.
"Err..Anika di! Hello! May I come in? I tried again.
"Sorry, sorry. It's just that my medication got over, and I haven't been able to buy it yet..so..you personally know us? she asked politely, still frowning. I was surprised to say the least. What was she saying? She couldn't recognize me?
"Di, you're joking right? I asked with a serious tone, trying hard to deny any possibility of her not keeping well and suffering from something serious it would be typical of her to hide it from the family of course.
"You're joking, right, Anika di? I tried again, feeling at a loss and feeling slightly panicked at that point.
"Why absolutely lockstall'! And I trolled you again she replied in her usual voice, with eyes shining in laughter as always like the Anika di I knew! I sighed in relief and laughed in protest at her prank as she finally led me to her home.
"God, Shivay, how do you always fall for my pranks? I have to tell Pricks this the next time I talk to her! And what brings you here? she asked while smiling at me. Her smile, it always made me dazed, and no matter at what point in life I met her, it took mere minutes to feel like a love sick puppy before her.
"May I stay here for the night? My manager goofed up my security and my suite is booked from tomorrow! I explained in tired voice. And without a response, she swiftly pulled my trolley to her guest room, gesturing me to follow her.
"Where is Daksh bhai? I asked noticing the house was empty otherwise.
"Hong Kong. Have you had dinner or shall I fix you some? she asked.
"Nope, some Maggie would be fine I answered embarrassed.
"Aah, we don't want to see a Rockstar with a paunch! I shall get you some chicken salad! she laughed.
***
"This is so amazing! Just like old times, God I miss Pricks, she murmured as we settled down on her couch and began chatting after dinner, she held her cup of tea and I with my special cup of cinnamon coffee I hadn't tasted it, ever since daadi stopped making it to be fair, both the butler and Mallika has tried, but they are nowhere close to perfecting it.
"Teach Mallika to make this coffee I suddenly blurted out before thinking. Anika-di looked at me quietly and smiled and we engaged in some light hearted chats.
~An hour later~
"So, how excited are you about the wedding? she asked with a warm smile. I knew she was Mallika's sister, and I should have just stuck to the charade, but I knew she was closer to Priyanka di and me than she was to her kins' anyway, so I could tell her the truth.
"I am scared. Shit scared. I know I can't back out, I don't have a reason to either but I am scared. I realized I don't really want this. I don't love her. I love no-one, I have never felt love. Anika I think, I have settled for too less. I finished breathlessly as I looked at her. I don't know was it the coffee, or the whole setup we were in me, she, her empty house, the warmth, the tension inside me, the long arching craving for her attention I don't know what worked, but that evening I found myself blurting out my deepest secret to Anika, as she listened quietly.
"Are you sure you want to go ahead with this? she asked, as she looked at me with a slight curiosity which I couldn't really place.
"Y-yes I stammered. "It's too late, I can't do this to Mallika. I replied. She smiled.
"Who is she? she asked quietly after a while. Once again that night, I was given a chance by the universe to keep things in order I could say, there was no-one. But instead, I chose to be honest it was unnecessary, but looking back, maybe it was worth it.
"Doesn't matter, who she is. She is far away. And I don't love her anyway. Just that she is special I murmured staring at the black screen of the television before us.
"So, it's more like you desire her? she asked with a smile that she had throughout childhood whenever she caught me doing something crazy.
"Yes, I really do. From a long time...childhood actually I replied with an exasperation and an awkward smile.
"Oh, so I always had competition Rockstar? she asked with her most innocent smile I was flabbergasted.
"W-what do you mean? I stammered.
"Well let's just say, I have known for a long time, about how obsessed you were with me. You were quite the stalker weren't you? Going all the way to find out what each of my boyfriend was like, and behaving like them when you met me, having my photo in your wallet, always wanting to join me and Pricks in our sleepovers, it was quite obvious you know? she laughed heartily.
"I was a kid then. I replied with eyes bent low. So she knew I had the hots for her, but boy she was innocent, she only noticed the childish ones I was secretly glad, she didn't know exactly how well a stalker I had become for her, and to what degree I stalked her. Also, now she thought I was stalking someone else too how could I ever tell her, I had meant about her in the first place?
"How is Daksh bhai? Is he getting any action from elsewhere? Or he is still the ever sincere Daksh bhai? I asked half laughing trying so hard to change the subject. It worked. Anika di looked stumped for a second before laughing out shrilly in an absolutely unconvincing way.
I looked at her skeptically, "For how long is this going on? Does Pricks know? I asked quietly. Her smile slowly disappeared. She let out a low sigh and responded, "Pricks knows nothing. Also, it happened long time back, it's past...and he has come out of it
"Have you? I asked softly. I never had such a personal conversation with her before. Even though the circumstances were shocking, it felt oddly nice to connect to her at an equal and friendly level.
"It's all my fault, it's been hard on me, and I never forgave him. We could never go back to being in love" she drew out a long slow breath before pouring herself some more tea. "Forget this, tell me about you. About this girl you can't get Mallika to be at par with"
I was about to begin with some gibberish explanation about this "other girl as she took a sip of her tea, but destiny had other plans for me that night. What I asked her instead was, "Given a chance, which is that one moment you will change from your past Anika?
Anika di looked at me surprised. I am not sure if the surprise was because of my question or because of the fact that she noticed I had dropped using the di' after her name. I suppose it helped, maybe without the age gap glaring between us, she could look at me more as an equal, she could open up to me.
"Nothing Shivaay. Nothing in the past. She replied quietly.
"Would you not want to change the moment Dakhsh bhai felt attracted to the other woman? I asked curiously.
"Maybe five years back I would. But today, it doesn't matter anymore. I have come so far away from him..if indeed I want to change something, that would be in the future. I want to gather enough courage to make the most perfect memory of my life, make the happiest moment of my life, a moment of selfish happiness, a moment where I matter only me, No one else, not even my Aadi. Just one such memory, is it too much to dream Shivaay? she whispered looking out of the window into the darkness.
That moment I had felt something, that I have never been able to express clearly. I felt protective, helpless, heartbroken, attracted, dejected and crippled all at the same time. It was one so profound a moment that my head had no control over my heart, and I simply spilled out the darkest secret of my life.
"Make that memory with me Anika. Give me that perfect memory to cherish, before I settle for less. I knew the magnitude of the words that escaped my lips that moment, I would have collapsed in the aftershock of my words, given any other day. But today was different. Anika made me strong, I stood my ground, I even dared to hope.
Anika stared at me for a entire minute. She was still as a rock. Then she suddenly sprang up from her seat and indicated me to go to the guest room and sleep as it was getting late. Sometimes looking back, I feel, it was the most unreal moment of my life. I didn't let go even there. I clutched her wrist as she froze at my contact.
"It's not complicated Anika. You have been the center of my world forever now. I have lusted for you from so long that, wanting you feels holy in my heart. You want the perfect memory right, a memory to help you fight your restless life with Daksh bhai? I want one too, to pass my mundane life with Mallika meeting my family's expectations. For once you want to feel like somebody's sole desire, you have been mine for a long time. It's our best chance one shot at a life we wanted. For you, to be more loved than anyone else, for me to love that one person who is impossibly out of reach.
I knew, I had succeeded when she slowly turned around with dilemma smeared in her eyes.
Edited by Aafrah-SA - 8 years ago
Anupamaa
