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Originally posted by: Aafrah-SA
Hello folks!! I love you so so so much for liking this!!
I am so sorry my little one was down with fever and cold last week and was cranky as ever!! Mommy duty calls :PWeekdays are too hectic at work - so you can expect the new update this weekend!!Stay tuned for more!Love you all!!Aafrah
6. In Pensiveness
"Suddenly she realized what she was regretting was not the lost past, but the lost future, not what had not been, but what would never be. ~ Voice of the Ocean, Anika.
I have often found my first novel more relatable with life than all the others that were bestsellers. "Voice of Ocean my first novel, had tanked, unlike my other books, no movie was ever made on it, not many people even read it either. Not many people like looking into a mirror, that reflects truth.
I was getting Aadi ready for home from Priks' next morning, when there was a knock on the door. I turned around and froze, he was standing at the door, looking at me directly in the eye. The Shivaay I have known earlier, always had a grin on him, the smouldering eyes with choler in them belonged to the man I had made love to and ever since I have come to Mumbai, I am only meeting this man.
Last evening when we came face to face for the first time, I was chasing Aadi as he ran up the Oberoi mansion to meet daadi, but suddenly he came in between. I had seen him freeze for a moment, before he gently caressed my arm with the tip of his finger and spoke almost in reverence Anika..
For a brief few moments I felt like I was in a time warp, back in the comfort of my bedroom in Delhi on a rainy afternoon with Shivaay holding me. I shuddered at his mere touch. I could feel my skin melt in heat at the places where his fingertips touched. I had never craved for a man this much in my life. In my years of marriage I have often let my husband Daksh warm my bed and body without warming my soul, but what was it about this man that could shake my core with a mere touch? Standing there, in a daze I felt for the first time that maybe coming to attend Malli's wedding wasn't a good idea. Maybe I could never see Malli claiming another of my loved ones. As I stood there looking into his eyes, as my morals crumpled fast, I heard Pricks greet Adi in daadi's room and I snapped back to my mundane reality. A place that had no place for hope or peace.
He seemed to come out of a trance himself as he quickly let go of my arms and said, "Actually..I was...err..going down and nodded at me awkwardly.
"Yes Shivaay, I was just trying to stop Aadi from...I stammered as I couldn't help but shamelessly stare at his rather dry lips. Cigarettes..I thought wishfully, that's what his lips tasted like..
"So..umm..you arrived today? Di was saying you'd be coming later
"No Aadi was really looking forward to the wedding..so.. again I was out of words, but at the same time I felt more indignant in proving myself casual than ever and a certain part of me wanted to instil this in him, that things between us would exactly be, how we had planned it to be. So I suddenly found myself saying, "Daksh would come soon too.
It burned my heart to see that his polite smile stiffened a little at my husbands' mention, why did the slight discomfort in him hearing about my husband please me thus? I realized I was treading dangerous water now, hence I quickly nodded at him and escaped from there.
Yesterday was easy, I had an escape, but now? It was only Aadi and me in here and he was at the door.
"Aadi beta, see Priks aunty has arranged for pancakes for you for breakfast! he smiled and my Aadi flashed his happiest smiled and dashed out of the room to run downstairs for breakfast before I could say anything.
As I looked at him, I gulped. It felt like familiar times, only we were in Mumbai and we were at his home where my half-sister would soon join him as wife. As he slowly advanced towards me, I cautiously took a few steps back, and he stopped.
"So this is how it is going to be Anika? We'll pretend forever that everything is normal? he asked quietly.
"That's what we had decided Shivaay I replied quietly.
"We had decided to stop it there, never to not acknowledge what we share Anika
"What do you want Shivaay? If you think we will discuss that phase every time we meet, then you are wrong I replied hastily.
Shivay looked livid for a second, but then he exhaled a deep breath. I could empathise with him, he too was in a dilemma, he craved me as much, but he had his own barriers.
"Anika... he begun again, "I don't want us to be awkward like this. It might be a phase for you but those were the best days of my life... he said softly looking deeply into my eyes. "I thought I could let it go Anika. I truly believed I could but yesterday when I saw you here, something changed. I know what we shared was for a very short span, but wouldn't you know, hell you're a writer Anika! There is something between us, there always has been we cannot ignore it after accepting it once. I am not asking you reprise anything, I know you have commitments. I seek only acknowledgement within your heart. That's all
Life has offered me many such instances where I could show my moral strength, but with a loved one, I always failed. It was a moment when I should have walked off with dignity, but the darker part of me, the needy me, the me that didn't care about Malli couldn't walk away. My heart was parched for long enough and I didn't have what it took to reject these small showers of joy and contentment. It happened that damned night when I chose my happiness over fidelity and all this begun, and it happened again today when I could have walked off, but I walked straight towards Shivaay and hugged him in a tight embrace. I could feel his fingers that were rough and taut from guitar strumming gently cage my waist, and just as I was about to melt into him, my phone rang.
We both sprang away from each other, while I struggled to receive the call from Malli that told me my husband had reached Mumbai in the early hours of the morning. A lot of emotions hit me at the same time. I was still succumbing from the flush of my and Shivaay's closeness, yet there was a tight knot in my chest hearing that Daksh had spent a night at my house with Malli and Mumma in my absence. It had become my natural reaction to guard my people from Malli and Mumma, and at that moment I was stranded between Shivaay and Daksh for the first time. My old insecurities were back and the past I had shrouded away in the dark was ebbing before me a past so dark that I lost sight of Shivaay standing there and rushed away from the Oberoi mansion pushing aside a surprised Shivaay saying, "Move, I have to go. Daksh has come home
***
We were sitting at the dining area and having breakfast when the doorbell rang frantically. I quietly got up to get the door it had to be Di. As I unlatched the door to an over excited Aadi, who ignored us all and straight ran to his father, I looked at my Di, who was looking straight into my eyes with a coldness of death. I smiled.
"Hi di, did you guys have breakfast or will you join us? I asked uncertainly.
"We are good. she replied curtly and walked inside. She glanced at Daksh who now had Aadi on his lap and was looking at her. She nodded and smiled politely and walked into their room, leaving us all in the dining space.
That's how di has always been. It's not like di would be hounding behind us when Daksh was around, she would still be stuck in her own room, but she would rather have herself present then not. I have witnessed this, Daksh and di's marriage was falling. I don't know how to react. She is my sister, it hurts me to see their falling marriage, but at the same time, I cannot help smirk thinking how unfair their marriage was to me. I don't hold grudges against di anymore, we are even now. But still, wasn't this evident? For how long can one deal with a loveless marriage?
As we were having lunch, Shivaay texted me. He and Priks di wanted to come over for dinner at night since Daksh was here. I readily agreed. Somehow even after so long, Daksh and di together in the same house with us made me awkward, Shivaay's company was going to be of great help to me.
***
Anika was unhappy in her marriage, that's what was established when we came close. Yet I couldn't ignore the intensity with which she left me in the morning to see Daksh bhai. There was an urgency in her eyes, and it stumped me. Moments back she was in my embrace and I had seen the passion in her eyes, but it ran away as fast as it came, it was gone in a flash. My heart tells me her feelings for me were true, but why did I see insecurity in her eyes for Daksh bhai? I couldn't sit in peace knowing there was something troubling Anika. I know I am engaged to Mallika, and my focus should be to keep her happy. Didn't I promise myself to be a good husband to her? But how was I to care for my responsibility towards Malli when the woman I have loved forever seemed to be in trouble. I had to know, for my sake, for Malli's sake and for Anika's sake, what was it that I saw in Anika's eyes today. With this intention, I had called Malli and got invited myself and Priks di for dinner.
Aadi was running around and playing with Malli in the evening when di and I reached Anika's. Malli's mother was in the kitchen arranging for dinner with the domestic help. As we entered, I saw Daksh bhai come ahead and greet us, but where was Anika? I looked around and saw the door to her room was shut. Was she avoiding me? But my question was answered when di enquired about her. Daksh bhai mentioned something about her not feeling well, hence she was resting. She was to join us for dinner. I looked at di, and she looked a bit surprised too, as for me, I was sure Anika was hiding something. I had seen her eyes. I was right. Maybe she wasn't going to be around, but I would still see her for dinner.
Dinner was a sombre affair, unlike the many dinners we have had at Malli's. I saw the coldness that Anika had towards her family was mutual. With Anika in the house, Malli or her mother wasn't their usual self either. Daksh was quiet, or maybe something in me had started detesting him and hence couldn't go talk to him myself. Anika had finally joined us, but she did look pale and exhausted. I wondered whether it was the night-out with di that exhausted her, or the morning with me or the fact that Daksh was in town or something completely different. I strongly sensed that something was not right.
My hypothesis was validated when I noticed that after dinner when we were sitting in their couch to chat. Daksh and Malli were sharing a couch, I was on a single couch and Di was sitting on another double couch where Anika was to join. But Anika came and looked at Malli, it was a strange expressionless stare, but Malli got up and moved next to Priks di, as Anika settled next to Daksh holding his hand as she looked directly at me, as if challenging me to get away. Of all the love songs that I have ever written, so much is written about new love and heart breaks. I had never really witnessed either, but in this short span of time, Anika had really entered my life, muddled it, made me feel love, and pangs of jealousy too. I couldn't stand the sight of her challenging eyes, asking me to silently ward away as she held her husband's hand. Sitting there unable to deal with these new feelings, I felt a deep-seated hatred towards the woman I have loved all my life. A hatred so deep that I could do anything to go away from her. Anything. Even go close to Malli.
***
The mornings incident had shaken me. What if Malli had not called and told me Daksh was here? What if there was no one at home? Was I going to go back to those days in the past? Did Shivaay have that power to uproot me and take me back in time? I had made those memories and intended to keep them untouched, unvisited and precious. I had no intentions of going back. Had I not told that to Shivaay that very day when he left? Then how was I changing my decision without a thought today? I realized I needed to put a foot down firmly on the ground. Upon that Daksh's arrival, his night with Malli and Mumma, and my insecurity, all seemed to challenge me at the same time. If I was swayed towards Shivaay then why was Daksh and Malli bothering me? If I was to be loyal to Daksh, how did I go into Shivaay arms so effortlessly?
By evening I had reached a decision. The past couldn't be changed, but wishing for a future that wouldn't be, was taking me and Shivaay nowhere. I wasn't going to be stuck in between Shivaay and Daksh anymore. I had made a choice years back. To be married to Daksh, and I will live up to that this Shivaay had to understand and accept. After that he could decide whether he wanted to be with Malli or not.
It took me all the effort in the world to get out of bed and join them for dinner. But I did. I joined them and did what my heart was vigorously against doing. In all this years, for the first time, I approached Daksh. My action was slight, but it showed Malli and Shivaay there places and Daksh his. I was surprised at my gut. Daksh was surprised at me. Malli quietly moved away and Shivaay? I choose to believe he will find perspective in life and find his happiness.
Sometimes you need to do things that are right for all not for just you. That's what I thought when I decided to forcefully bring back normalcy in my life. Now it was Shivaay's turn.
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